Slow Burn

by K. Bromberg

  Oh. Maybe I can get them to give some of this shit to my mom, who’s wearing grooves in the hallway outside so that she can relax a bit because she’s telling me everything is going to be fine, but she played with her charm on her damn necklace when she said it. That means she’s lying.

  Girls, Rover dug a hole under the fence and ran away, but I’m sure he found a nice new home to take him in and love him. Played with her necklace as Lex and I cried buckets of tears.

  Haddie and Lexi, I’m sick. It’s nothing major, just something the doctors call cancer, but I’ll be completely fine. Playing with her necklace the whole time. Two relapses, twenty-three total rounds of chemotherapy, fifteen sessions of radiation, and a chestful of scars that make Frankenstein’s monster’s stitches look like scratches.

  Haddie, Lexi’s going to beat this cancer, and we’ll all laugh about it later. Playing with her damn necklace. But she played with it at Lex’s funeral too. That meant she was hoping it was a lie, and well, fuck, it wasn’t.

  Same necklace but different charm over time.

  And I got the necklace act today. The bad track record of that stupid chain makes me want to rip it off and chuck it as far as I can so that I never have to see it again. Especially around me.

  Wait. Maybe I need the necklace when I talk to Becks. Maybe he’ll catch on if I play with it when I tell him thanks for the good time, the two hours you allowed me to be a we are, before fate stepped in and put me in my place. Reminded me why I’d made promises to myself about not getting involved with anyone.

  The door whooshes open and pulls me from my thoughts. “You ready, Haddie?” Dr. Blakely walks in with a relaxed smile on her face, and I want to tell her it’s okay to be worried because I sure as fuck am.

  “Hearts and heels.” I exhale, thinking of Maddie girl. I want to ask the doctor something but I don’t remember what … oh, about giving me some of this on the take-out menu plan so I can have some of the special sauce when I need it to feel better.

  A strained smile is on my lips as she snaps on her rubber gloves. “Did that valium help take the edge off?” she asks, causing me to snort out a sarcastic laugh as I nod.

  How exactly does one little pill—one I actually had to ask for to stop the churning in my stomach and the anxiety controlling my nerves—really take the edge off? Because cutting into your boob is a walk in the park, right?

  My mind screams with a sarcastic retort, but I just nod my head and mumble, “A bit.”

  “No need to worry,” she says, her smile still tight as I giggle again, my head feeling like a dandelion seed floating in the breeze. “Can you feel that?” she asks, ignoring my laugh. I can see her shoulders move as she does whatever with her hands, but I don’t feel a damn thing.

  Why the fuck didn’t they give me this shit when Lex died? I like this not-feeling thing. Maybe if I take enough, I can numb my heart and be immune to everything that happens.

  “Like we talked about, I’ll make a half-moon-shaped incision, remove the mass that we saw and marked from the scans, and send it to pathology. I’ll stitch you up, and you’ll be as good as new,” she explains as she spreads the butadiene over my left breast and then covers it with a surgical drape.

  Good as new? Okay. Whatever you say, Doc, because at this point I’m not real happy with you for slicing into my perfect tits. Full D, pink nipples, perfectly shaped, and perky as fuck. Never had any complaints yet. I usually get the bone-o-meter to be straight up when I show these babies, and now she’s going to fuck them up.

  Let’s begin the patchwork quilt, shall we?

  “Relax. It’s probably nothing.” Her smile is reassuring now.

  I close my eyes and try not to read into her smile, but I want to snort and tell her good as new with some X-marks-the-spot stitches and possibly cancer, but that’s nothing big at all. Just a walk in the park.

  I exhale when I begin to feel the pressure and try to return to the happy thoughts I couldn’t stop thinking moments ago. But this is suddenly way too fucking real, and I’m scared to death. I force my breathing to slow down, and I can feel my armpits sticky with sweat.

  She passes something off to the nurse waiting at her side, and the nurse leaves the room. Dr. Blakely turns to me and explains something about the pathologist checking to see if there are clear margins. Of course, my mind starts fretting that the only way one can have clear margins is if it’s measured against something that’s not clear, something cancerous.

  Time passes, and since I’m still under the veil of valium, I don’t know how long we wait.

  The phone buzzes in the room and scares the crap out of me, my valium obviously making me not as courageous when sliced apart with a scalpel. Dr. Blakely speaks to the pathologist and says she has to clear a bit more.

  I fix my eyes on hers, looking for any kind of sign of what the pathologist has said, but she busies herself, preparing to rebiopsy my breast. I want to tell her to look in my eyes and tell me the truth. This is my life she’s cutting into, and don’t I at least deserve an inkling of what is going on?

  But my mouth stays shut, my hands remain fisted, and my heart feels like it’s lost its beat.

  The same song and dance continues one more time, her hands steady and sure while my whole soul is shaken to the core. But this time she has gotten a clean margin.

  All in all, the procedure is quick, and I really don’t feel a thing except for the hum of my nerves zinging through me from my adrenaline high. I feel the tug on the incision as she closes it up and then watch her hands move although I can’t feel the steri strips being applied. I thank her, sigh in frustration when she won’t answer when I ask if whatever she biopsied looked cancerous. She just smiles the tight smile that I want to knock off her face again and tells me that pathology might have a preliminary report within the next couple days, but she wants to wait for the full workup. I can’t really focus on the terms she uses as the rest of the drugs and their calming effects ride out their stay in my body.

  My mom comes in, and I think I smile at her, but I’m not sure because I’m so busy watching her talk to the doctor, glancing at me intermittently, with her fingers tugging on her damn necklace the whole time.

  At some point the medicine must knock me out cold because the next thing I remember is waking up in my parents’ house. In Lex’s and my old bedroom, surrounded by memories of her in so many ways. Happy ones and sad ones. I feign sleep when I hear the door to the room open, not wanting to talk just yet about the cacophony of thoughts cluttering my head. I hear my parents murmuring their thoughts and fears in the hallway, and it takes everything I have not to cover my ears and rock like a child to shut them out.

  And I wish I could act like a child. I wish I could throw a tantrum and fight and rage and not care what people think or understand the consequences.

  But I’m not.

  And I do.

  And fuck if I want to get a firsthand reminder of just how devastating life can be.

  Chapter 16

  The jerk of Rylee’s head up from the vegetables she’s chopping to meet my gaze is almost comical. God, I’m glad she’s home. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her. How much I needed to look at her and not see fear mixed with pity looking back at me like I did at my parents’ house.

  I meet her gaze—my closest friend—and feel the pointed sword of guilt pressing against my throat as I carry on like everything was perfectly fine while she was away on her honeymoon. Like the doctor didn’t call and say she was ordering more extensive pathology tests on the mass she’d removed before making any conclusive decisions. Or how she was skirting around using the word diagnosis … because diagnosis is the word they use when they tell you it’s cancer. I’ve never lied to Rylee, and yet here I am, the smile I have fraudulently plastered on my face feeling more and more natural as I fall under the comfort of our easy rapport.

  And I feel like I’m two inches tall, strong-arming the bucket brimming with indecision from tipping over to the poin
t where I tell her everything.

  But I don’t. She’s gone through so much in the last few years, and I don’t want to worry her unnecessarily. Plus, it’s the first time I’ve seen her since she got home from her honeymoon, and I’ve missed her like crazy. I want to hear all about how sickeningly happy she is because I know her happiness will ease the weight of the unknown that I carry with me as a constant right now. The goddamn cloud trying to block out my sun.

  Add to that I have the little issue of having to explain why my only question in our first conversation since she’s returned was if Becks was going to attend the little “we’re home” barbecue she was throwing. I wish I could kick myself in the ass for the knee-jerk reaction that’s resulted in my preoccupation to avoid Rylee’s assessing eyes. I’ve been so diligent, changing the subject anytime it circles back around to me that I realize I’ve missed out on hearing the details of their honeymoon highlights.

  And of course my mind is so scattered that she catches me off guard. By fault of my distraction, I accidentally acknowledge that Becks and I did in fact have sex on their wedding night and then maybe, possibly one other time. It’s a muttered point given under the duress of a knife-wielding best friend, who’s chopping vegetables and waving said knife at me while she talks—but she hears my admission nonetheless.

  “So you look nice and tan and overly sexed,” I say over the rim of my glass of wine.

  “Whoa! Hold it, sister!” she demands, waving the weapon in her hand in my direction. “You think you can hit me with all of this …” She’s so flustered by my confession that she can’t find the words to continue, so she keeps jabbing the air with her knife toward me until I start laughing. “It’s not funny! I haven’t seen you in weeks—”

  “I know. It’s so great to see you so relaxed. So give me all the details … ‘sex on a secluded beach’ type of details—”

  “Don’t you dare change the topic. Sit,” she orders as she takes a sip of her merlot and stares me down until I oblige. “First, you tell me that you guys hooked up on our wedding night, which I thought a possibility when Becks had your phone … but then you did it again … AND you snuck out before he woke up?”

  I bite my bottom lip and nod my head subtly, guilt still slicing through me like a razor blade at my cowardice—the only part I feared admitting to Ry because even I know it was wrong. Not just the leaving but the subsequent refusal to speak to him other than my inadequate text telling him I was wrong in thinking I could have any type of relationship with him.

  No further explanation. Nothing. I was just trying to make it easier all around for him and for me. For the changes I fear are knocking on my welcome mat that are far from welcome.

  The sad fact is even I didn’t believe my own lies this time.

  “Why?” She finally sets the knife down and wipes her hands off on the dish towel before placing them on the kitchen counter to brace herself. Violet eyes meet mine, and fuck if I don’t love and hate this new self-assurance that Colton has brought out in my oldest friend. I really would prefer her not to have it focused on me right at this moment though.

  I sigh as I break my gaze from hers. “Because I’m trying to get my shit together.”

  She laughs out low and rich, and despite my thoughts, the sound brings a smile to my lips.

  “What?”

  “I do believe that getting someone’s shit together led to my current state,” she teases as she holds up her hand where her wedding ring reflects the light and sends a blizzard of prisms against the walls of the kitchen. I laugh with her now that I finally get what she’s saying and the irony in my own comment. How I once told Colton when they first started dating that he needed to get his shit together and only then would he be worthy of my friend.

  “So … six months from now should I be expecting one of these on your finger?”

  I cough on my sip of wine. “Are you certifiably crazy, Ry? After everything …” I stop myself from confessing all of the emotions I’ve hidden. Everything I’ve tried to keep inside since Lex’s death so that I could be a good friend for Rylee, so that I could help her plan her wedding without the oppressive weight of grief being a downer. And I know she knew what I was doing, the distraction techniques, the false fronts—all of it—but she let me think I was fooling her because she knew that was what I needed at the time. She knew that was what was best for me. And now I fear that she’s done being patient, and she’s going to tell me exactly what I need to hear. Except I’m not ready—and although there are things she doesn’t even know the whole truth about, I know she’ll be correct in her assessment nonetheless. “I haven’t even spoken to him since.”

  “He didn’t call you?” Bemusement laces her question.

  “Of course he did. Countless times. I just chose not to answer.”

  She chuckles with condescension. “How very mature of you.”

  And now she’s pulling the gloves off to force me to deal with my own shit. Take no prisoners and all that. I definitely need another bottle of wine here. I reach for it without a second thought, as the soft tug of my stitches hitting my clothes with the movement makes its presence known—the ever-constant reminder of my secret, my fear, my possible future.

  Tell her. My mind screams the thought, knowing I could use her strength, but my heart can’t bring her down, make her worry unnecessarily when I’ve never seen her this happy.

  I’ll tell her the minute I know something. I make the promise to myself to justify lying to my best friend, but it does nothing to ease the guilt.

  She angles her head to the side, and at first I fear she’s caught my grimace or my sudden silence. Her gaze dares me to look away, taunts me to try to hide everything swimming in my eyes.

  And I cave with eyes averted and focus on my fingers playing idly with the stem of my wineglass. “Well, you know, while you were gone, I came up with a new motto,” I say in a lame attempt at diversion “… ‘less stress, more sex.’”

  “New motto, huh?” she says, rolling her eyes, “because I thought your motto was “Whenever I don’t want to deal with Lexi’s death, I go have meaningless sex to not think about it.’ Slut glut, I believe is my term for it.” She raises her eyebrows at me as she finishes throwing her cards on the table so I’m forced to show my hand.

  And hell if her words don’t sting just as smartly as Becks’s did the other night during our argument. The difference is Becks is a guy and like any male will say things to beat his chest and assert his testosterone whereas Ry’s not competing for me. She’s just being observant—truthful—and I hate like hell that she’s right as rain.

  Shame fills me, but I hold her gaze in silence for a few more moments. I can tell she already feels guilty for calling me on the carpet, but I love her even more for not backing down, for telling me what I need to hear. “Talk to me, Had. Please talk to me.”

  “Slut glut? Really?” I ask, although I deserve the shrug of the shoulders she gives me, which says, If the shoe fits … And hell, it does fit, but at least it’s a really cute pair of four-inch peep-toe stilettos that scream, Come fuck me. I keep the thought to myself, knowing Ry won’t appreciate my humor if I say that aloud.

  I sigh in resignation before glancing down to watch my finger run around the rim of my glass while I figure out what to say. “The first time … your wedding night, I kind of didn’t play fair. Seduced him when he was trying to keep his distance…. Then we agreed to sex without strings.” I fall silent as I think about everything that I’ve already gone over a million times before, and whether I would change it—keep the zipper up and let him walk to his room alone.

  I don’t think I would. And that in itself scares me.

  “And the second …,” she prompts, but I just sit there in silence, unable to lift my eyes to meet hers, so she continues. “Look, I love you. You’re the sister I never had, so I’m going to say it, and you tell me when I veer off course.” I nod my head, close my eyes, and take in a deep breath as I prepare for her psychoan
alysis, which I’m sure will be much more real than I actually want to hear but probably need to nonetheless.

  “I watched you watch Lex die and know how much you suffered, Haddie. How much you still suffer. I saw you hold Danny while he fell apart and then try to fill in what’s missing for Maddie as best as you could. I saw you internalize it, refuse to deal with it. I watched my best friend lose herself with the worry and the fear and the grief. And that’s more than understandable.” I hear her sniffle, and I feel relieved that she is emotional right now because it’s taking everything I have to hold my tears back. I grit my teeth, and I’m sure she thinks it’s because I’m angry at her, but it’s because I’m trying to prevent the confession about the biopsy on my lips.

  “I’ve witnessed you drag your feet to take the first gene test and then refuse to take the second one when it could ease all of this fear inside you. Fear that you have cancer too. Fear that you can’t let anyone love you, fall in love with you—make a life with you—because you’re going to die like Lex did, and you’re going to leave him devastated just like Danny is.”

  It’s like hearing the words aloud validate my feelings and also makes my own stubbornness sound ludicrous all at the same time. I bite my bottom lip as she sits patiently, giving me the time to absorb her on-target commentary. She’s right on every level of course, but the catch is that Becks was able to coax out from its hiding place the part of me that was afraid to engage. It just didn’t last long before the fear of my fated future had me wanting to hold back again.

  I can’t speak quite yet, so I just nod my head as I brush away the lone tear that’s escaped.

  “I think the reason you snuck out was because Becks scares the hell out of you.” Her voice softens with compassion. “He’s making you think and feel things you don’t want to feel, so if you leave, then it just makes it easier for you to ignore something you both sure as hell deserve. He sees the fire in your eyes and wants to play with it … and that? That’s hard to find since most men would consider that a challenge to their manhood.” Rylee reaches out with the bottle of wine and refills my glass as I finally look up to meet her eyes. I nod ever so slightly at her, letting her see the fear in my eyes and telling her she’s hit the nail on the head. “Haddie, you can’t close yourself off forever. A life without passion and love is like slowly freezing to death.”