by Nicole Dykes
He tilts his head to the right, his thick eyebrows drawing together and his lips in an angry pout. “Really?”
I shrug my shoulders and grab another bowl from the cabinet. “It’s really no trouble.”
He walks to me, taking the bowl from my hand and placing it on the counter. Then he places both of his palms firmly on the granite countertop, caging me in as he leans into me. “We aren’t going to talk about last night?”
“Since when did you become so talkative?”
I won’t lower my eyes from his. I don’t want him to see me as weak. “Viv . . .”
“Stop. We don’t need to talk about it, Asher. It’s no big deal.”
He looks shocked as he stares into my eyes, studying me like I’m a stranger to him. And maybe I am. Maybe he doesn’t really know me. Maybe no one really does. “No big deal?”
I gnaw nervously on my bottom lip, and his eyes dart to them, darkening with something before they flick back to my gaze. “It’s not. You caught me doing something very . . .” I straighten my shoulders, “normal.”
“You’re not normal.”
“Thanks for that.”
He keeps me in his cage, trapped and at his mercy. “Did you plan that?”
“What?” Now I’m the surprised one.
“You heard me. Were you waiting for me?
“Oh my God, Asher. Get over yourself.” I’m irritated that he could even think that. “I was home alone. You told me you were going to be gone most of the night. Do you really think that I was just waiting there with my hand down my shorts until I heard you come in?”
I watch him swallow the tension as he mulls that over. “Maybe. I don’t know, Viv. Is this your plan? To seduce me. First that fucking bikini and then . . .”
“Then what?” I stare him down, refusing to be embarrassed even though part of me wants to die, choking on the humiliation creeping up.
“Then you give me the fucking hottest show of my life.” His face nears mine, his lips creeping toward me. “I’ll never get the vision of you coming in front of me out of my head.”
I gulp, the sound audible between us, knowing that when I close my eyes, I see the bulge in his jeans and his hand moving inside them, his eyes watching me unwavering as he came. “Good.”
“What is this, Viv?”
“What do you want it to be, Asher?”
He looks tortured as he stares into my eyes. “It can’t be anything.”
Instead of my usual argument, that I am in fact a woman and not just Sebastian’s mom and that I am capable of a casual hookup, I remain strong and take a deep breath, letting it slowly expel from my lungs. “Okay, then. That’s all it was.” He pulls back, dropping his hands, but not moving his body, and I lean in closer to him, poking my fingernail into his hardened steel-like chest. “And that bikini wasn’t for you.”
“No, then why not another one-piece?”
“It was for me.” He looks confused, and I clarify, “I’m twenty-one. And I’m hot.” I push past him and grab my oatmeal, carrying it to the island and turn to get a spoon, but gasp when I run into his hard body.
“You are.”
I take another breath. “The swimsuit was for me to remember that. And I look good in it.”
Stay strong, Vivienne.
He’s studying me, but then something grabs his attention. “Mom.”
“What?”
He nods toward the security camera app on my phone that’s sitting on the counter behind me. “My mom.”
I walk away from Asher and go to the front door, letting them in before she can ring the doorbell. “Nora, hi!”
She smiles, and Sebastian runs to me as I kneel down. He hugs me around my neck. “Mommy!”
I smile and hug him tight, lifting him up in my arms. “Baz! I missed you!”
“He missed you too. He did great last night, but this morning he woke up wanting Mommy.”
I smile at Nora as Baz rests his head on my shoulder, and I squeeze him again. “Well, I woke up wanting you too, little guy.”
He squirms out of my hold, and I let his feet touch the ground before he runs up the stairs to his room.
Nora laughs happily as Asher joins us, and she gives him a hug. “Hi, sweetheart.”
He hugs her back, but I notice he looks tense. “Hi, Mom.”
I don’t get it. Nora is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. How can he be so cold to her? “I missed you at dinner last week.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been busy with school.”
Nora nods her head, accepting his line of bullshit. “I understand.” She ruffles his hair lovingly. “Hopefully soon.”
Asher nods and pulls away, and I look at Nora, annoyed with her son. “Would you like to join us for breakfast?”
“Oh, thank you for the offer, honey, but I better get back. Tony and I are leaving for another trip in a few days, and I have things to do.”
She’s my hero. She’s found her happiness. “That’s wonderful. Where are you two going this time?”
“We’re going to Ireland for a week.”
“That sounds lovely. Send pictures.”
“Of course.” She shouts up the stairs. “I love you, sweetheart! Thank you for spending the night.”
We all smile when Sebastian hollers back in his totally cool, casual little voice. “Love ya!”
She gives Asher and I another hug before leaving and closing the door behind her. I turn to Ash. “You could be nicer to your mom. You have no idea how lucky you are.”
His body crowds mine as I press up against the door. “And you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He walks off, heading for the stairs, and I follow, grabbing his arm and making him stop at the top of them. “You could talk to me, you know. We’re supposed to be friends.”
“I don’t know what the fuck we are anymore.”
That hurts more than I’d like to admit. “Are you really that upset about last night? You didn’t seem all that angry with your hand down your pants.”
His jaw pulls tight with tension. “This can’t keep happening. It can’t, Vivienne. I’m not Linc.”
“What?” I’m so incredibly confused by this man.
“You heard me. I’m not Linc. I won’t be a fucking dumbass and fuck the wrong girl because I’m attracted to her. Because I am attracted to you. Insanely fucking attracted to you.” His eyes dip down over my torso that’s fully clothed today in a blouse with a high neckline and a bra under it, but with his eyes on me I feel totally naked. “But I’m not my brother. I’m not either of my brothers.”
“I know that.”
“Good. I’m a Sterling, and we are clearly fucked-up, but I’m not Linc, and I’m not Colt. My dick doesn’t own me and neither do my responsibilities.”
“So who does? Own you, I mean.” I bite my bottom lip, fighting the lust creeping to the surface as his eyes glare into mine and then lower to look at my lips.
He doesn’t answer, he just turns and walks down the stairs.
I’ve known Asher for a long time, but never did he seem as lost as I see he is now.
Was he just that good at hiding it all these years?
I really have to stop the broody shit with Viv. Easier said than done though. I care about her on a whole new level, and I don’t want to fucking hurt her. But how could she act so casual about what happened last night?
Not that I think she should be ashamed. Not even close. But fuck, it was a big deal.
I can’t stop thinking about it. Her hands. Her body writhing under their touch. Both of us wishing they were mine.
I’ve avoided her most of the day, but it hasn’t been easy since I missed the hell out of Baz, and now that he’s home I wanted to hang with him.
And maybe I miss her too.
A quick rap comes from my open door, and I look over, seeing Viv standing there in her plaid blue and pink pajama shorts with a sheer pink t-shirt with the words “Good morning, Princess” written on it.
“Can we talk?”
Now she wants to talk? “Baz asleep?”
She nods tentatively, walking into my room and taking a seat at the end of my mattress, tucking one foot under her thigh, her shorts riding up and showing me way too much skin. “He was worn out, I think.”
“That’s good.” I lean back against the wooden headboard and run my fingers through my hair.
Viv looks at me, shyly tucking her neck down. “Are you still angry with me?”
“I was never angry with you.”
Her eyes lift, her gaze smoldering, her lips in a pout. “Then why have you been avoiding me all day? Do you really think I have some crazy plot to seduce you? Is that what you think of me?”
“No.” I swallow, the image of her reclined and reaching into her panties hits me, washing over me and wishing for cold water to come out of somewhere to douse the fire burning through my body. “I know you didn’t plan it.”
“I didn’t.” She says it firmly. I’ve enjoyed watching her gain her strength seemingly overnight.
“I know.”
And I do. It was a dick think to accuse her of.
She sighs, and my brain is busy trying to decide if she’s wearing a bra or not when her sweet voice fills the space between us, bringing my eyes up to her pretty face. “When you walked in, I was shocked. I didn’t think you would be back for hours, but I fought through my initial instinct of being humiliated.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Fuck, I jerked off twice today already.”
She laughs, which makes me smile. I love her laugh. “My entire life, I’ve strived to be this perfect creature. To be this poised, perfect girl who did everything right. I just wanted you to see me as normal.”
“You’re not normal.”
She tilts her head to the right. “Thank you for always pointing that out.”
I smile, shaking my head at her pout. “It’s not an insult.”
“I’ve always struggled with being who they wanted me to be and being me. Of just going after what I want.”
I’m not a guy who sits around and talks about feelings and the past. I’m just not built that way, but I find myself fascinated by her, transfixed by her story. “Everyone does it.” I shrug, being honest. “I mean, I didn’t think you did, but I’m glad you do. Four years is way too long without an orgasm.” That’s assuming she had an orgasm the one and only time she had sex, and God, I don’t want to know.
She smiles, her head moving from side to side like I’m ridiculous, but she kind of likes it.
I scoot down toward her, leaning forward so she understands me clearly. “And it was hot as fuck.”
Now the blush sneaks into her cheeks, and she looks away, covering her mouth as she laughs into her hand and turns back to look at me. “Thanks. I agree. But can we just not talk about it anymore?”
I nod, but I’m not making any promises.
She surprises me when she lays down on her back, facing my ceiling, letting her toes barely touch the floor. “You can talk to me, you know. We’re friends, whether you want to admit it or not, and I really care about you.”
I lay down next to her, my legs a hell of a lot longer and my feet resting flat on the wood floor below as I turn to look at her, her head swivels to the side to look at me. “I don’t know who I am.”
Her smile is slight. “You’re Asher.”
I offer a quick laugh and look up at the ceiling. “It was like my entire life, everyone was always watching me to see which one of my brothers’ leads I would follow. I can hear my father asking me when I was young if I was going to be a fuckup like Linc or have it together like Colt?”
“That’s a terrible thing for a father to say.”
I turn to look at her again, brushing her long bangs out of her eyes and tucking them behind her ear. “He’s a terrible father.” It’s not like she doesn’t have experience in that area, but still she looks saddened. “I was always teetering on the edge. Not sure who I admired more. Linc,” I grin thinking about my oldest brother, “that fucker never once gave a damn about what my parents thought. He just did whatever the fuck he wanted.” Still does. And that thought makes me bitter as the pang in my chest is almost unbearable as my eyes slide back up to the ceiling. “Colt, . . .” I swallow, the movement in my throat painful, thinking about the brother I lost.
I feel her small hands move to my chest, the touch welcomed, but I know I can’t return it and keep my hands at my sides. “I think it’s good to talk about this.”
“He was a lot like you. So perfect. Always doing what our parents, mainly my dad, wanted. And I never really saw how close he was to cracking until right before he died.” When he had an affair and conceived an illegitimate child.
I hear her sigh. “No one is ever actually perfect.”
I nod my head, still looking up. “But he seemed like it. Especially when we were kids, and around fourteen, I decided there was no way in hell I was ever going to live up to him. So I went the other way.”
Her hand remains over my heart, and I wonder if she can feel it thundering in my chest. “The first time I fucked a girl, I was so drunk I still can’t believe my dick was hard.” I shrug. “But I was fourteen, so my dick was always hard.”
She laughs quietly at that, but pulls her hand away, rolling to her side to face me. “You were only fourteen?”
I roll to my side, facing her and trying like hell to ignore the low neckline of her t-shirt and how her tits are pressed together in the position that she’s in. “Yeah. I went all in, fucking any chick who would let me. Drinking all the time. Getting high. Sneaking out. Sneaking into girls’ rooms.” I pause and look into her eyes and smirk. “Invited, of course.”
She nods.” Of course.”
“I wanted to give Linc a run for his money. Wanted our parents to tell him he was being like me.”
“That’s a lot for a fourteen-year-old.”
“It was. And you know, no one really noticed. Everyone always had more going on. Which is fine.” I struggle with what comes next. I don’t like talking about this, but I know she cares, and now that I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop. “And then Colt died.”
She flinches the way everyone does when death is mentioned because even if they say it’s a part of life, it’s still not something most people are comfortable with.
“And everyone left. Linc was already in college. So was Lola. Penelope went off to school. My dad left. It was just me and mom.”
“I can’t imagine your mom being anything less than perfect even in the very worst of circumstances.”
I know that she loves my mom, and so do I, but I’ve seen a side of her that no one else has. “She imploded, Viv. Rightfully so.” I can’t be angry with her. “I’m not mad at her for it, but she lost one of four kids, and it was like none of us who were still alive mattered for a bit.”
“I’m sure she didn’t mean for you to feel that way. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.”
I nod. “I know, but I lost a brother.” It feels selfish even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud.
She studies me and nods. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
“He wasn’t just my brother, he was the best friend I ever had. Always trying to get me away from the house and not become like Linc, but he didn’t try to make me like him either. I swear, he was the one person who made me feel like me.”
She doesn’t say anything, just listens. And I can see she wants to touch me again, wants to comfort me, but she thinks better of it this time as we lay there with our faces only inches apart.
“When he died, I wanted him to be proud of me, so I did my best to switch gears and be like him. To take care of our mother who could barely pry herself off the floor. And the only time I could get her to do that is when I would do things that he used to do.”
“Like?”
“Charity work. Museums. Goody Two-shoes shit that I hate.”
She smiles at that. “You were Colt for her.”
<
br /> I nod, grimacing. “I was, but it wasn’t enough. She would go back to bed for days, lost in her grief, and I was so busy trying to take care of her that I didn’t get to grieve. I fucking hated it and became bitter and cold.”
“She loves you, Asher.”
“I love her too, but I’m still irrationally angry about it. So when she met Tony, and I saw she was happy, I fucking ran. I just need some time.”
She rolls to her back again, bringing her hands up between her perky breasts that I do believe are braless as she picks at her nails. “I think you deserve the time to find out who you are, Asher Sterling.”
I grin and roll to my back, liking the way she says my whole name. “I think you deserve the same damn thing, Vivienne Crenshaw.”
“I do hope you can forgive her. As a mother, I don’t think there would be a worse pain on earth.”
“I know. I said it was irrational.”
Her laugh does crazy things to me. “Not irrational. You’re entitled to your own pain, but I don’t think she wanted you to be Colt. I think she just wanted Colt back with all of you.”
I swallow and look up at the ceiling, hoping she’s right.
It’s something I’ve always had a hard time with.
Colt was the golden child, and when he was lost, I wondered if they wished they could trade any of us remaining kids for him.
Baz went to sleep easily tonight, and I’m sure this two-day stretch of him falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow will end tomorrow. But for tonight, I’m going to enjoy the quiet time.
I take a quick shower, washing off the day and slip into my bikini, going down the stairs to the indoor pool. As much as I resent my father for picking out a far too luxurious house and making me feel like anything else would have been a disservice to Baz, I am grateful to get to go for a swim when the high temperature today was only fifty degrees.
I punch in the code to the door and open it, my eyes instantly darting to Asher who’s currently in the hot tub with his head leaning back against the stone edge. I try not to stare at his carved abs through the water.
His head swivels in my direction, his eyes sliding over my body, stealing all the liquid in my mouth, forcing me to swallow. “I guess we had the same idea.”
