by Nicole Dykes
He smiles, looking away from me as I climb into the shallow end of the pool, quickly adjusting to the water when I find it at a pleasant temperature. Our talk last night has me feeling closer to him. I knew there was more under the beautiful surface of him.
Maybe something a little darker than the light, carefree person he appears to be on the outside. I adore Nora, but, I of all people, know that parents often aren’t the same as they appear to the public eye when they’re under their own roof.
I can’t imagine the hell they’ve all been through, and Asher feels he was left behind to pick up the pieces. Of course he’s a little resentful. Anyone would be.
I wade into the water, swimming over to the edge of the hot tub that’s separated from the pool by a few inches of stone. I rest my arms over the ledge and look at Asher. “I’m glad we talked. Are you?”
Asher rises from the water, the liquid dripping down his toned torso as he hops over the ledge and into the cool pool water. He lets his entire body and his head go under before popping up, brushing the water from his hair with one hand and holding onto the ledge with the other, facing me. “Yeah. I am, but it’s not something I want to talk about a lot.”
He’s worried this is going to become a recurring topic. I get it. I can see the anguish in his eyes when he talks about Colt. “I understand.”
“I was there, Viv.”
I look at him, seeing the darkness is back in his beautiful eyes, his brows draw together, and his neck tightens. “Where?”
“I was at that party. When you and him . . .” He swallows hard, stopping himself as his tormented gaze pierces me.
“I don’t remember seeing you.”
“I don’t remember being there. It was during my blackout, dipshit phase.”
I turn to face him, also holding myself up with the ledge. “How do you know then?”
“Sawyer. He remembered. He was there too. Said I was fucked-up that night, which isn’t fucking surprising. I was there when Colt fucked you. Got you pregnant. Turned all of our lives upside down, and I didn’t do a fucking thing about it because I was too busy trying to get noticed by my parents.”
I take a deep breath, my chest rising and falling, capturing his attention as he looks down, looking even more tortured now as his eyes lift to mine. My voice is a harsh whisper. “What does it matter if you were there or not? It wasn’t your responsibility to stop it.” Not that I would have wanted him to. I’m grateful for Baz.
“If I would have been coherent and saw him there, Viv . . .” The look on his face guts me. I care about him deeply, and the pain I see swimming inside him is agonizing. “Viv, I would have stopped him. Not that I don’t want Baz in this world. I fucking love that kid, but that night . . .”
I feel tears bubbling to the surface of my eyes, hating how many people we hurt that night with our actions, but eternally conflicted because I myself wouldn’t change it for the world. “What?”
He’s not done releasing his demons. He needs this. “That night started so much. It set us on a new path. To you, it was an escape. To him . . .”
He’s careful with his words because I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. So I finish for him. “It was the biggest mistake of his life.”
“It has nothing to do with you and who you are.” His hand brushes over my cheek and rests there, holding me and trying to add some comfort to the ugly truth I already knew. “But yeah. He regretted, Viv. He was in love with Penelope, and he fucked her over. And it ate at him.”
The way he avoided me afterward, I knew how much he hated himself and maybe me for what we did, but it’s something I’ve buried. “I know it did. I hate that it hurt you all.”
“What’s done is done. I was there the night he died too. And again, I did fucking nothing. I was drunk, letting some chick I just met ride me while my brother was dying.” He drops his hand from my cheek.
I hate that image, and I know it’s one he plays over and over. “It’s not your fault, Asher.”
“It’s not yours either.” He leans closer to me, his face deadly serious. “I want you to know that I’m glad Sebastian was born. I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Not even having my brother back, but I hold a lot of guilt from the time he died.”
“I do too.” I close my eyes, unable to look at him as a tear slides down my cheek. “It was a beautiful experience for me. I knew it was wrong, but it was exciting. Doing something bad.” My eyes open, and the intensity of his eyes shock me to my core and send an electric charge through my body. “I’d never broken the rules until then.”
“It’s amazing when you let loose.”
I can feel my breathing increase, being this close to him. Wanting him despite the grim conversation. It always leads back to lust with Asher. “I want to let loose more often.”
I bite my bottom lip, my body on full alert, begging him to kiss me. I want to feel his lips on mine so badly, but I’m afraid of the inevitable rejection. “Please don’t bite your bottom lip like that.” His voice sounds strained, almost a groan.
“Why?” The word is a gasp, his gaze burning through me.
I watch his full lips as he speaks. “Because you did that right before you came, and I can’t un-see it. No matter how hard I try.”
My mouth goes dry again, and I can feel my nipples pebbling underneath the fabric of my bikini top.
“I can’t help it.” I gnaw on my bottom lip, his eyes watching the motion. “I guess I do that when I feel . . .” my teeth slide over my bottom lip as my eyes move from his mouth to his eyes, “turned-on.” My voice lowers as I start to lose my nerve and look down at his rippled stomach. “Would it be so bad?” I reach forward and allow my fingers to lightly graze his lower abs under the water.
He lets out a shaky breath as he captures my wrist, not pushing me away, but not allowing me to move either. “I can’t do this.”
I am past the point of shame, and when I get to that point, I realize how dangerous my actions become, but I’m not strong enough to stop. “Baz is asleep.”
“I can’t, Viv.”
I try not to show how badly it hurts that he doesn’t want me that way. “You don’t want to. You seemed attracted to me the other night, able to separate your nephew’s mom from a woman.”
“You think I don’t see you as a woman?”
I nod my head slowly. “I think I have to force you to.” My eyes flutter closed as the heat rises to my cheeks, feeling slightly humiliated at how desperate he makes me feel. “Maybe the bikini was a little for you too. I just want you to see me as sexy.”
My eyes open, expecting his face to show disgust at my longing for his attention. “You really think I’m not attracted you?” I nod my head slowly as his hand moves mine down to his trunks and over the enormous bulge there. My eyes lift to meet his, and I’m sure they’re wide with anticipation and surprise. My hand resting against his erect cock through the fabric of his swim trunks. “You’re torturing me.”
“You think you’re not tormenting me?” My hand moves along his hardness while his hand remains around my wrist. His throat tightens as he groans, a soft whimper escaping my throat as I feel his desire, my own threatening to strangle the life out of me. “I want this.”
“I can’t. I’m not Linc.”
He releases my hand and turns away from me, resting both arms on the ledge of the pool. “I don’t even know what that means. I’ve never slept with him. I have nothing to do with Linc.”
He turns his head, his eyes cold. “He slept with the wrong girl because his body wanted it.”
I feel the agony his words cause rip through me, and my words come out strained. “The wrong girl?”
He tips his head back. “Fuck.” His curse is short and angry as he looks back at me. “I’m the wrong guy for you. I’m not Colt either. I’m not good.”
“So you’re not good like Colt, and you don’t want to be Linc, who you see as the bad one, although I don’t. He honestly doesn’t seem that bad at all.” I swim aw
ay from him, finding the stairs and climbing out of the pool, turning to face Asher. “At least he went for what he wanted.”
“She wasn’t his.” I watch him swim to the edge of the pool where I’m standing, his muscles flexing as he lifts his body out of the water and stands in front of me. “He took her away from Colt.”
“Colt wasn’t just hers either.” I keep my chin lifted, portraying strength even if I’m shaking inside. “He wasn’t all good. With me, he was very, very bad.”
I watch his chest inflate with air, all of his muscles flexing tight with tension, looking animalistic at the mention of his brother being anything other than perfect. “Don’t go there, Viv.”
“And what? Talk about the one time he let loose?” I take another step closer to Ash, my palm resting over his quivering stomach. “When he fucked me against the wall in someone else’s bedroom at a party neither of us should have been at? Maybe I’m just the wrong girl after all. The one Sterling men regret.” My hand slides to the hem of his trunks. “Use me like he did.”
He looks down at me, and I see the conflict in his eyes. “Is this about him? Some fucked-up fantasy?” His hands slide down my bare arms. “You want to pretend you’re fucking him again?”
“I’m not thinking about Colt.”
His head tips to the right. “You sure about that? I think you’re far more immoral than you’ve ever let on.” His lips creep toward mine, just barely brushing mine as a gasp escapes my throat and my soul craves his kiss, and he speaks, “I think you’re downright depraved, like me.”
“Except you won’t touch me.”
He moves away, leaving an emptiness inside me. “No. I won’t.” He walks to the table by the door and grabs a towel, tossing me a look over his shoulder. “Looks like we both have a date with our hands tonight.” He pushes the door open and walks through it, leaving me humiliated, frustrated, and angry.
Asshole.
I walk up the stairs slowly, wondering if Viv slept as shitty as I did last night. I tossed and turned all night, thinking about her body in that black bikini. About her hand sliding down my stomach and over my cock that was very, very hard for her.
I wanted her. Every single part of me wanted her, but I can’t do it.
I’m not Colt, and I’m not Linc. I need to figure out who the fuck I am, and screwing Viv wouldn’t help that.
Especially because I know enough about myself to know I don’t want a commitment.
I hear Baz laughing before I hit the top stair, and that sound alone always brings a smile to my lips. When I enter the kitchen, I feel Vivienne’s death glare from across the room where she’s slicing an apple.
Well fuck, I don’t think any man wants to see a woman he pissed off the night before with a knife, especially with the way she’s looking at me.
She is most definitely pissed-off.
I make a beeline right to Baz, and he lights up instantly, already dressed for the day in little jeans and a polo shirt. “Mornin’, little man.”
“Morning,” he singsongs as he digs into his cereal. He turns around, sitting on his knees in the large wooden chair, peeking around it to look at his mom. “Mom! Uncle Ash can go with us to the zoo!”
I look over at Viv, who has her shoulder-length hair perfectly straight with not one strand out of place and dressed in a yellow long-sleeved top with a high neckline, hiding all her assets as usual, but at least the shirt isn’t baggy and clings to her impressive chest. She also has jeans and tennis shoes on, all ready for the zoo.
She brings the apple over to Baz, placing it next to his bowl on a paper towel. “No, honey. I’m sure Uncle Asher has class.”
“Not until late this afternoon. I can fit the zoo in.”
I have no idea why I said it. I should welcome the space, but there is this insane pull with Viv, no matter how hard I think I want to push her away. I always end up begging her to come back.
“Yay!” Baz looks happy, and Viv is really staring daggers at me now.
“Sweetie.” Vivienne takes a seat in the chair next to him, and I can see she’s going to try her best with reasoning with him. “I think it would be better if we go by ourselves.”
She doesn’t look over at me. She’s really that pissed-off at me? After what she said? Reminding me that my brother has been inside her, and I haven’t? That she let go with him?
I swallow, thinking about her words. And I’m convinced I’m in fact a Colt replacement for her too. My eyes darken, as I watch her failing with her attempt to reason with Baz. “Why can’t he go, Mommy? I want him to goooooo.” He lays his head down on the table, just barely missing his cereal bowl.
“Baz, sweetheart.” She places a hand on his back and sighs. “Uncle Asher needs a timeout.”
Now her cold eyes meet mine as Baz lifts his head and looks over at me. “Why? What did you do?”
I nod over at Viv, my jaw ticking with anger leftover from last night. “Why don’t you tell him, Viv?”
She huffs, folding her arms and looking away from me and to Baz. “He just hasn’t been very nice.”
Sebastian raises his little eyebrow and looks over at me, clearly confused, and I shake my head. “That’s not true. I just won’t play with the toy your mom wants me to play with.”
Her eyes widen with rage, her lips parting with surprise as she closes them and drops her arms to her side, threatening to kill me with her eyes.
Baz really looks confused now. “Why? Toys are fun, Uncle Asher.”
You don’t have to tell me, kid. I try not to think about how much fucking fun I could have playing with Viv.
“Use me like he did.”
Fuck!
Her words from last night haunt me as I stand up, and Viv replies to Baz before I can, but she’s not really talking to him as she stands, her chin lifted with strength I would be proud of her for if it wasn’t so irritating. “They can be, but I think I’ll find someone else to play.”
Double. Fuck.
The thought of someone else playing with her sends me into a rage that even I admit is totally unfair.
Her eyes never back down, and I turn to Sebastian. “Well, sounds like that’s settled. Mommy will play with someone else.” My eyes meet Viv’s “So I can go to the zoo.”
She’s really pissed now, but all Baz heard was that he got what he wanted so he jumps out of his chair and does a little happy dance.
“Yes! Zooooooo.” He walks to the counter, grabbing his little sunglasses, the kid actually has several pairs, but this one has black frames with blue sides. He slips them on over his eyes, and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.
The kid is way too fucking cute.
“Lookin’ good, kid.” He grabs a larger pair next to them and hands them to Viv. “Here you go, Mommy.”
“Viv walks to him, reluctant to be near me and takes the brown pair from him, letting them sit on top of her head.
“We’re ready!” Baz is excited.
Viv, not so much.
“Uncle Asher, you need sunglasses.”
“I have some in my car.” I turn to Viv. “I’ll drive.” I have a car seat already in my car for whenever I take Baz somewhere or pick him up.
Yeah, she’s definitely contemplating homicide, but I couldn’t give a fuck. She needs to learn now, I’m nothing like Colt.
We drive to the zoo, Baz singing in the car seat happily the whole way. By the time we get to the tiger cage, the frustration level has raised to its highest peak.
Baz is jumping around, staring through the tiger cage when Viv, keeping her voice low, can’t seem to take it anymore. “What is the matter with you?”
I turn to look at her. “You need to be more specific because that could take all fucking day.”
She rolls her eyes. “Coming along to the zoo today. You couldn’t have just said you had a class?”
“I’m not lying to the kid to make you feel more comfortable.”
“But you’ll tag along after last night just
to make me feel even more uncomfortable?” She turns to check on Baz. “Sebastian, please be careful.” She looks back at me when I speak.
“You’re uncomfortable?” I glare at her, thinking about how fucking bad I wanted her. Her gnawing on her fucking bottom lip. Testing ever single bit of willpower I have. I talk through clinched teeth, trying to keep my voice low, “Should I remind you that you’re the one who was discussing when you fucked my brother?”
“You’re the one with issues about Colt. It wasn’t him I wanted to fuck me last night.”
Damn, she’s gotten bold. And I need to watch it because her confidence definitely makes my dick hard. And the zoo is not the best place for that. I swallow, turning to see Baz walking along the bench in the tiger observatory and then back at Viv. “And I still don’t believe you.”
“Believe whatever the hell you want, Asher. You’re not the one who’s been humiliated over and over with constant rejection all because what? I’m the mother of your nephew?”
“That makes you family.”
“Fine. I meant what I said this morning. There are plenty of playdates out there.”
I don’t want to hate that as much as I fucking do, but no doubt she can find some asshole to use her. “Yeah, but do you really think you’re okay with being used and tossed to the side? Or worse, fucking broken?”
She shakes her head. “The toy analogy is getting a little old. But you know what, Asher?” She pokes my chest with her finger. “Yeah, I’m second hand. I’ve been through it, and I’m fine. Maybe a little worn and broken but still good.”
I look at her pretty face and scan her body slowly before meeting her eyes again. “You’re anything but worn and second hand.”
“But broken?”
“We’re all broken from the first fucked-up thing our parents do to us until the day we die, pieces are just chipped away.”
I hate that her eyes are wet with unfallen tears but then notice the panic overtaking her face as she searches. “Sebastian?”
I turn around and look for my nephew also, seeing he’s nowhere in sight. “Baz!” I shout, looking around.
