by Nicole Dykes
“Because I’m sure it’s really hard. Every single holiday without him.”
I swallow and sit on the edge of my bed, my knees weak. “Don’t.”
Her eyes roll, and she drops her arms to her side. “Don’t what? Empathize? Care?” She walks to the bed, standing in front of me between my parted legs, one hand brushing through my hair. “Too late.”
I close my eyes, and then slowly open them as I look up at her. “Penelope was Colt’s. And now . . .”
She doesn’t say a word. She just lets her hand fall from my hair and cups the back of my neck.
“I don’t want to watch them together. They’re together. Fine.” It’s not fine. “But I don’t have to watch it.”
“Sebastian will be heartbroken if you aren’t there.”
I cock my head to the side. “That’s dirty.”
She laughs, and her hand moves to my shoulder as she squeezes gently. “No. It’s just true. But if you don’t want to go, I understand. I do.”
“But he won’t.”
“He’s spent every Thanksgiving since he could eat the food with you. He lives with you. He is going to be upset.”
I would think most people were trying to manipulate me into doing what they want, but with Viv . . . I know without a doubt she’s just concerned about her son. He’s always her number one priority. I’ve never seen a better parent than her. “I don’t want that.”
“I know you don’t. And I don’t want you to miss out on being with your family.” Her fingers stroke my cheek. “They miss you.”
My throat is dry, and I think about the last Thanksgiving we all spent together. All. My dad on his phone the entire time, shouting at someone who worked for him, surely ruining their Thanksgiving. Lola was ready to leave the moment she stepped in the door. Linc was pissy as usual. I was high from the weed I’d smoked in my bedroom right before dinner. My mom was buzzing around, trying her damnedest to make everything appear perfect. Colt and Penelope were sitting across from me with their hands in each other’s under the table. I know that because I dropped my fork and bent down to pick it up, their affection for each other making me sick at the time.
They were the golden couple.
He loved her, and how everything went so fucking sideways, I’ll never know. Because I didn’t ask questions. I was in my own world. Knowing I would never be like him. Knowing I never wanted to be like my parents. Accepting I was most like Linc.
“I can’t do it, Viv. I can’t.”
She’s trying to understand. “Because it will be at their house?”
I spent Thanksgiving with them last year and the year before that when my mom hosted. That’s why she’s so confused. “Yes.”
Their house. The two words make me sick.
She sighs and sits next to me on the bed. “Think about it. We’ll be there too.” Her voice is quieter now. “I’ll be there.”
I close my eyes again and lay back on the bed, covering my eyes and groaning in frustration. “Fuck!”
I feel her body join mine. “I can’t stand the thought of you staying here while we’re all there. But I can’t resist the need for Baz to have Thanksgiving with all of his family—the kind people who should hate me but have accepted me.”
I groan again. “Fine.”
“Don’t just agree. Think about it.”
I drop my hands and turn to her. “Only if we fuck in their pool.”
She doesn’t look horrified, just looks me straight in the eyes, a smirk playing on her pink lips. “You know they’ve probably done that, right?”
I grimace. “Gross.”
She laughs and scoots closer to me, her lips sliding over my neck and her teeth scraping over my jaw. “But I’ll fuck you anywhere you choose while we’re there. As long as Baz is asleep.”
I think about it, already knowing I’m going and taking full advantage of making an agreement with her. “Deal.”
Her small body climbs on mine, and her lips crush against mine, not wasting any more time with talking. Still, in the back of my mind, I know, without a doubt, . . .
This isn’t going to go well.
“Wait for me!” Baz runs after Asher as they go to wash their hands before dinner in the hall bathroom, and Sawyer sets the table for me while I finish cooking.
I’m getting pretty good, and the pasta I made smells incredible.
“That smells good.” See?
I smile at Sawyer as he sits on one of the barstools at the island in the kitchen.
“Thanks. Hopefully it tastes as good as it smells.”
Sawyer looks at me, his eyes sparkling with their usual mischief, and I can see why he and Asher are friends. They’re so damn similar.
Even the same playful smirk. Although, I’ve seen Asher’s serious side, and I’ve never seen Sawyer’s.
“You’re really going to California tomorrow?”
“Yes.” I turn the burner off under the pan of sauce and turn to Sawyer, hearing the uncertainty in his voice. “Why?”
His large shoulders shrug, but his handsome face shows the concern I heard in his voice. Is this him being serious? This is odd timing. “Thanksgiving with the Sterlings.”
“I spent last Thanksgiving with the Sterlings.” I fold my arms over my stomach and lean against the stove. “Why is it so different if it’s in California rather than here?”
His bottom lip pokes out as if he’s thinking. “I hear they actually have sunshine in November. That could be cool.”
Nope. Not serious.
I roll my eyes but shake my head from side to side smiling because Sawyer is starting to grow on me. He’s been around more and more without anyone else with him. And Baz adores him too.
Not an easy feat. My kid gains love and attention everywhere he goes, but you have to earn his.
And Sawyer has.
“Sawyer, just tell me what you want to say.”
He steps off the barstool and walks to me, his tall frame towering over mine. I never really realized how tall he is. He may even have an inch or two on Asher. “I knew the moment you two started fucking.” I might actually have just gulped as I look up at him, slightly horrified by his brash statement. “They will too.”
“They?”
He nods. “The Sterlings. They’re smart. Nora . . .” He shrugs his shoulders. “She might not. She’ll probably be trying to make peace between Linc and Ash.”
“What is it with them anyway?”
He shakes his head. “He doesn’t talk about it. But this trip . . . Viv, it isn’t going to be fun.”
I don’t want to believe him. I know Asher is nervous and not excited, but I have to believe that once they are all under the same roof, it will be fine. They love each other. I know they all do. “It could be. Maybe they just need more time together. I remember them in school, Sawyer. They were all close.”
“Were they?”
He’s serious now, and it gives me a chill. “I . . .” I stutter.
“Look, Lola, she’s fucking smart—really fucking smart. And Linc—he’ll know. They’ll both know, and they’ll both take issue with it.”
I take a step back, feeling defensive. “We aren’t doing anything wrong.”
“Then why are you hiding it?”
Jesus. I glare up into his eyes. “What I do in my bedroom is nobody’s business.”
“Maybe, but there’s bad blood there, especially between brothers. And you’re going right into the war zone.”
I shake my head, my hand sliding over my throat as I swallow the impending chaotic feeling brewing. “They were fine at the wedding.”
“Were they around each other?”
I think about the wedding. They were only together at the beginning when Penelope and Lincoln showed up and never alone. “They’re brothers.”
“Brothers are complicated.”
“What’s up?”
We both turn at the sound of Asher’s voice as Baz and he enter the kitchen. I clear my throat, grabbing the pot with t
he sauce. “Can one of you please grab the pasta?”
I take off toward the table with Baz in tow as Asher walks to the stove, his eyes on Sawyer as he grabs the pasta, and we all sit down at the table together.
Asher eyes Sawyer with suspicion, and I try not to let the thoughts creep in.
I know this trip won’t be easy, but Nora sounded so desperate to have Asher there. Maybe I pulled out a slightly disgusting ploy and used his love for Baz a tiny bit. But Baz really would be upset without Asher there.
And so would I.
So what if his family finds out we occasionally have sex?
Okay, yeah. That would be bad.
Shit. Sawyer is right.
This trip is going to be awful.
Fucking California.
Why the fuck am I here?
Baz hops up and down outside the front door in his little jeans and t-shirt, no jacket. In November. It’s seventy-five degrees and sunny.
And I’m still annoyed.
I’d like to think it’s all for Baz. I turn and look at Vivienne as she tucks her hair behind her ear, her dark blue nail polish swiped perfectly over each nail. I hate how easy it was for her to talk me into coming here. I hate how I never fucking fight her. Ever.
I don’t want to be like Linc.
She talks me into fucking the one woman that Colt had a baby with. So, in essence she was his in a way.
I don’t want to be in a relationship.
She talks me into fucking only her for months now. And I don’t even have an urge to stray.
I didn’t want to fly to California and watch Penelope and Linc play house.
And I’m fucking here at their doorstep.
Penelope opens the door, her smile brighter than I remember it as she stands there, looking down at Baz. Her eyes actually sparkle. “Sebastian! My goodness, you grew a foot!”
Baz giggles and shakes his head. “A foot! A foot!”
She bends down, and he runs to her, letting her wrap him in her arms as Linc stands behind them. Our eyes meet with a quick nod before he also claims a hug from our nephew.
Lola is also here, and she joins us, her crisp white sweater almost blinding but so her. She hasn’t changed. Picture-perfect, with her blonde hair curled and styled like she just came from a salon.
“You guys are here! Finally.”
We missed our flight this morning, the one we were supposed to take with my mom and Tony. And yeah, maybe it was my fault. I was dragging my feet all morning.
She wraps her arms around my neck and gives my cheek a kiss. “I missed you.”
I hug her waist and nod curtly. “Missed you too.”
She pulls back, her eyes meeting mine. “Mom and Tony are already here, but they went for a walk on the beach before dinner.” She turns to look at Vivienne, her smile kind and genuine. “I’m so happy you got him to come.”
I feel my body become rigid as Viv forces a smile. “I didn’t do anything but ask.”
Lola laughs and nudges Linc. “Yeah well, we had a bet. I won.”
Not surprising Linc bet against me coming. “Is that so?” I look at my brother.
His jaw ticks, and I hate how much we look alike. All three of us always did. People said we resembled triplets but were all different ages. Carbon copies of our father.
Lucky us.
“I’m glad you showed.”
I stare at him, and he stares right back because the thing with Linc . . . he’s not fucking sorry. Not for any of it. Not for loving Penelope while she was Colt’s. Not for fucking her when she and Colt were still dating. Not for being with her now when Colt is conveniently dead.
I nod my head toward Baz, who’s currently wrapped in Lola’s arms. “I’m here for the kid.”
His head nods once in understanding as Penelope walks to his side, his arm pulling her to him. “P, you wanna show Baz his surprise?”
She lights up, and so does Baz as he looks over at them both.
Great, another toy to buy him off.
Penelope turns to Vivienne. “Is it okay?”
Vivienne smooths her hand over Baz’s hair. “Of course.” I grab the bags we left at the door and don’t fight Linc when he grabs one of them, even though I want to.
I’m trying my best not to cause any drama. I’m older now. I’m not going to have a huge outburst. I can control myself.
We all follow Linc and Penelope down the stairs of their massive beach house which has an exterior that’s mostly made up of glass and flashy as hell. When we reach the first bedroom, Baz’s eyes widen as he looks around.
The room is painted dark blue with a small twin bed and Spiderman sheets and comforter. It’s all decorated in superhero and baseball stuff. An odd combination but not if you know Baz.
Which I’m surprised they do.
“Is this my room?”
Vivienne looks at Penelope in awe at the sound of Baz’s question, and Penelope looks down at him, her head tilted to the side with love in her eyes. “Of course. I know the last time you visited, our home wasn’t exactly kid-friendly, and Linc and I knew we had to fix that.”
She looks over at him, a big smile on both of their faces. Linc nods and walks over to a large wooden toybox that has Baz’s name burned into it. “Look at all this stuff waiting for you to play with, buddy.”
Baz runs over and grabs what appears to be brand-new toys out of it, immediately in his element.
Vivienne is beaming as she watches him, her heart, no doubt, full as she turns to look at Penelope and Linc. “You guys didn’t have to do that. But it’s so kind.”
“Please.” Penelope waves her off. “We wanted to. I’m sorry we didn’t have it ready last time you were here. Things have been kind of crazy.”
Vivienne looks nervously over at me, almost like she’s afraid to be too nice to them in some sort of solidarity to me. Which is so not what I want. She looks back at Baz with a smile on her pretty face. “This is great. Thank you. Baz, can you say thank you?”
He runs to us with an airplane in hand, making it fly all the way over. “Thank you!”
Linc kneels down, getting eye level with him. “You’re here for two days. It’s all about you, little man. What do you want to do first?”
“Swim!”
Of fucking course. Kid has an indoor pool, but he chooses swimming.
Penelope and Linc share a look as he stands. “I’m all for it,” Linc says with a smile, and Penelope looks to Viv for her input.
“Is that okay?”
Vivienne nods. “Of course. I packed our suits.”
“I’m gonna pass.” I situate my bag on my shoulder and turn to Linc. “Where am I staying?”
He looks at Viv. “We have a room connected to this one for you.” Then he looks at me. “And then there’s one more down here or one more upstairs. Mom and Tony are staying on the main level.”
“I’ll take the one down here.”
He already knew that as he leads me to the room across from the two Viv and Baz will be staying in.
I take a shower, washing the trip off me after they all head out to the pool. When I come out of the bathroom with one of the fluffy white bath towels wrapped around my waist, my sister is sitting on the bed, legs crossed at the ankles, and posture straight.
“Lola? What the fuck? What if I was naked?”
She rolls her eyes and turns away from me, shielding her eyes. “We’re related.”
“I’m not fucking twelve anymore.”
She laughs as I quickly grab a pair of jeans and pull them on under the towel as she stares at the opposite wall. I fasten the jeans and grab a polo shirt, pulling it on and walking in front of her, my hair still wet. “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be swimming?”
“Nah, I wanted to talk to you.”
Great. My sister is the oldest of the four of us, and I’m the youngest. There’s a big gap between us. Still, she was always a good sister even if we were always in different stages of life.
“Abo
ut what?” I grab a comb and run it through my hair as she sits up even straighter.
“Are you going to be a broody little asshole this time?”
Fucking really?
I stare at her, her face not apologetic. “No.”
“You sure? Because I could feel the tension between you and Linc already. Mom doesn’t need it.”
“Don’t tell me what mom needs.”
I spent a year doing everything I could to give her exactly what she needed after Colt died. I want Lola to go. I don’t want to be here.
She looks saddened as she stands up, moving in front of me. “Asher . . . none of us need any fighting. We have to move—”
“On?” I finish abruptly for her.
“Forward.” Her voice is strong, but I see the pain swimming in her eyes. It’s the same we all have.
Even Linc.
“Just pretend like none of it happened?”
“No. Of course not.” She takes a deep breath, but it’s shaky. “We all miss him.”
I look into her eyes. “Colt. You still can’t say his name, and we’re all acting like everything is fine?” She never says his name.
Her eyes flutter closed, and she takes another deep breath before allowing herself to look at me. “No. Nothing is fine. Nothing.” I hate that she looks like she’s about to cry. “And I can’t say his name. It’s something I struggle with because every single time I start to say his name, it’s like my heart is shredding. So I don’t.”
Fuck.
My own heart feels like it’s been busted into a million pieces. “I’m sorry.”
It’s all I can do—offer a meaningless apology. “I know you miss him, but I need you to remember that we all do.”
“Lola . . .”
“Ash.” Her stare is determined now as her chin lifts. “I know that you were alone in that house after he died. With mom when she couldn’t function.”
“I’m not talking about this.”
She nods her head and squares her shoulders. “I’m here if you want to, but please don’t get into it with Linc.”
“I won’t.”
“I’m not sure whether you two can help it.” She grabs my shoulders. “I love both of you moody assholes, but it’s Thanksgiving. Mom is happy for the first time in years. I want her to stay that way.”
