How to Get On With Everyone

by Jeanne des Baux

  If we put ourselves in danger we can expect a dangerous outcome. If we do not work hard and intelligently we are unlikely to succeed financially. If we are spendthrifts we will have no money. If we do not look after our health we are likely to lose it. If we ignore our friends we are likely to lose them.

  It is rather like saying the buck stops here, ‘I will work at everything I do and do the very best I can’.

  Along with self responsibility come honesty, reliability and accountability. Being honest and always telling the truth will make life more simple. If you do tell lies or half truths people will find out, talk amongst them selves and you will gain a poor reputation. Do you want a poor or muddy reputation?

  If you need to tell someone something unpleasant do so in the gentlest way you can and be tactful and diplomatic.

  Try to always be reliable, if you make an arrangement keep it. If you have a problem let the other person know in good time. Someone is prepared to invest time in you if you are meeting. If you say you will do something, do it. Make your word your bond. Not receiving a promised telephone call on a regular basis is irritating as is someone not following through on arrangements.

  Being reliable greatly influences how people will regard you. If they invite you somewhere will you keep the arrangement? Will you always follow through on what you say? Do other people need to question or doubt your word at all? Always be explicit in what you say and in your arrangements so there is no room for misunderstandings.

  Whatever you do or say you need to be able to justify. Ideally you should feel happy to do this so only say or do what is good and considerate for others.

  It is always better not to try to manipulate people. THEY WILL SEE THROUGH YOU.

  If you feel you have any shortcomings or faults just continually work on them and they will gradually disappear. Fill in any gaps in your knowledge either business or personal by getting help or going on a course or to night school.

  Early in my career I set up a business, rapidly expanded it and took in a partner as I needed someone involved who had more experience and was swindled. I then took a good level business course which meant I could cope with anything easily so I will never be swindled again.

  When I wanted to buy and sell property I took a modularised interior design course which included technical drawing, building practices, colour, I studied paint finishes etc. By the time I finished I was confident enough to buy properties on my own.

  When I wanted to improve my people skills I took up counselling and psychotherapy.

  We have wonderful and easily available learning facilities in this country use them if you think you need them or they will be of benefit to you.

  RELIABILITY

  If you make arrangements, keep them, if you have a problem let the other person know in good time.

  Recently I have had two different people both tell me they would be in contact by telephone. One invited herself to join me for supper which was inconvenient and then did not follow through, the other was a business contact who was going to ring me on Monday and many Mondays later I have still not heard from them. When I want to spend my money again it will be done elsewhere.

  Always be honest but diplomatic and make it easy for other people to be honest with you. NEVER LIE OR CHEAT and be totally genuine so that people can trust you.

  Do not try to manipulate people, PEOPLE WILL SEE THROUGH YOU.

  If you want to achieve something involving other people sell them the benefits.

  TOLERANCE AND ACCEPTANCE

  ‘Delight in the difference.’

  People like to be liked.

  Make love not war.

  Nothing to be gained by alienating people.

  Do not knock over the honey pot.

  These are just a few phrases about tolerance and acceptance.

  ‘Delight in the differences.’

  This is easy to say but not always easy to follow through on.

  Do you find most of your friends tend to be like yourself in age, background and interests? Do you find yourself criticising people different from yourself?

  The ultimate in acceptance

  You worry you die, you don’t worry you die, so why worry?

  Always try to think the best of other people. Do not tell them that you have a low opinion of them but give them something good to live up to.

  Try to accept differences in behaviour and outlook. This can be due to age, social background, place or origin, sex and life experiences.

  If you can learn to talk about any problem areas as they arise it is better than suffering the consequences and coping with the difficulties and unpleasantness they can cause.

  AVOID SPITEFUL AND

  MEAN WORDS

  It does not cost anything to have pleasant or loving speech, we only need to choose our words carefully, and we can make other people happy. Thich Nhat Hanh

  Do you have memories of someone saying something mean or spiteful to you?

  I can remember a friend of about fifteen years saying something spiteful about two years ago and it still clouds any thinking about her to this day. Why do all the good memories become forgotten and the bad one remains. It is really odd after years of harmony but it seems to be the way we are made as humans. I have to push myself now to get in contact and do not look forward to seeing my friend in the way I used to.

  If we need to resolve differences tact is essential and it needs to be done in a calm and gentle manner. This needs practice but it is better to persevere and learn rather than lose any good friends, business or personal relationships.

  Do you have any unhappy memories relating to someone being unkind or spiteful? There is no need to continue the negative pattern. Why not leave your children and loved ones great memories of yourself, ones they can look back on fondly. We are all the sum of our experiences; why not make those experiences better for the people we spend time with and care for.

  Do you know someone who always runs other people down or is always assassinating someone else’s character? If the answer is ‘yes’, is it someone you want to be with or someone you want to avoid. If I meet someone like this I always wonder when it will be my turn. When will they start ‘dissing’ me and when will I be their next victim. They will certainly not be a person I will want to be with for very long.

  Do they like to have mean little digs at someone? This can be horrid to receive particularly by someone who is not used to coping with people like it.

  Along with being mean and spiteful often goes being less than straight forward. Is what they say about people exactly true? Can you believe what they say? Will they say one thing to your face and another behind your back?

  Do try not to gossip.

  ADAPTABILITY & TACT

  ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.’ Forrest Gump.’

  It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.’ Charles Darwin

  Adaptability and tact have a lot in common; both are about being flexible and agile enough to fit in around other people.

  Tact is about having a keen sense of what to do or say without giving offence. Adaptability is the ability to successfully change ideas or behaviour so that they are suitable for a new environment, new conditions or a new situation.

  How often do we fit in with other people, doing what they want and making it easy for them to do so? I am always pleased to be asked to do something new or to go somewhere I do not know. It introduces me to something different and it expands my horizons. It is very easy to get into a habit of doing the same type of things all the time, things that are safe and that we know we like. Part of this may be down to time constraints but it is well worth pushing the boundaries and trying something different. You will probably feel energised by having done something new and it may produce another interest for life.

  The easiest way to get on with people is to talk about things that you genuinely agree about and in terms of
what they are interested in and preferably at the same level.

  If they like art, talk to them about art. If you know they like Picasso talk to them about Picasso. If they are particularly interested in how he used colour talk about that.

  Listening carefully to people will give you the ability to pick up on what they are saying and a chance for better conversations.

  The late Queen Mother apparently used to regularly say ‘I do not know a lot about............, but I am very interested.’ What a diplomat!

  Note her attention would be focused on the person she was talking to and she would be giving them eye contact.

  TACT.

  It is an odd thing about human beings that even after years of friendship and harmony a few harsh words will lodge in our minds and continually aggravate us to the point where it may finally erupt days, weeks, months or even years after the event and destroy a good relationship. It is much better to avoid saying anything harsh or annoying and getting into this situation.

  We do however need to look after ourselves as well and not be walked over so tact is of the essence. If we can learn to resolve differences in a calm and gentle manner and as quickly as possible it will stop any problems having the chance to build.

  This needs practice but it is better to persevere and learn than lose any good friends or relationship in business or personally.

  Never try to bulldoze your way with people. It is far better to be upfront and ask for what you want. You can do it politely and gently.

  SELFISHNESS

  This is a negative trait that will greatly impact all relationships

  POINTS TO CHECK

  Do you consider other people?

  Do you need all the available time spent on you and your needs? This can be in any area e.g. shopping, sightseeing etc.

  Do you hog the conversation?

  Do you need to be the centre of attention?

  Do you need to be right all the time?

  Are you often/always late?

  Do you always need the lion’s share of everything? Do you want everyone to run around after you?

  Do you consider others when planning?

  RUDENESS

  As Thumper the Rabbit says in Bambi, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.’

  New surveys carried out by Arthritis Research UK found that rudeness topped the list of our biggest frustrations, 84% of people hate bad manners. It causes a large number of fall outs with friends, neighbours and relatives. Do you remember someone being rude to you?

  For many people any rudeness will stay in their memory and cloud everything else that was good about their relationship with the person concerned.

  When people are together it is good to create a feel good factor. Rudeness knocks this back and can eventually destroy it completely. Few people want to continue a friendship/relationship they are not enjoying. The rudeness can create a beginning of the end situation and unless the damage is repaired quickly it can bring about a quick end.

  There are different types of rudeness, verbal, lack of punctuality, lack of returning telephone calls, texts, e.mails, letters etc, not keeping one’s word. All of these things will have an impact on or dampen down relationships. The effects may not be obvious but they will certainly be there. The other person may become less obliging, be less inclined to help or meet up and generally be less available.

  Being reliable is very important. I booked a plumber a week before the work was due to be done. The day came for the appointment and he did not appear. I rang him on his mobile to find he was in Spain on holiday. If he had wanted to take a last minute holiday that would have been fine with me, but I would have appreciated a quick call. I had wasted my day. Needless to say I am unlikely to use him again.

  Good communication is key to good relationships and friendships.

  GATE KEEPING

  Do you let other people have their say?

  Do you or someone else you know always interrupt or hog the conversation?

  Do you need to be the centre of attention?

  Do you talk endlessly about something that interests you? E.g. work, personal issues or grandchildren

  If you do, do you realise the impact this is likely to have on other people?

  Would you be interested in continually hearing about their work, personal issues or grandchildren? Try to always anticipate the other person’s reaction to what you are saying or doing.

  If you have any of these problems just be aware of them while you are doing them and gradually stop yourself.

  WHERE OTHER PEOPLE

  ARE IN THEIR LIVES

  Sometimes you will do your best and get nowhere with someone. You may have put yourself out considerably and feel you have achieved little or had a negative response from them. If you know your motives were right and what you did was correct do not blame yourself it is probably about the other person and where they are in their personal development and their own lives. If you are getting nowhere walk pleasantly away. If you want to leave a door open e.g. ‘I will always be pleased to hear from you.’

  Most people in life are in a state of developing and growing, everyone will be at a different point due to a different background, opportunities, experience and different things happening at that time in their lives. Is one person’s experience more valid than another’s? It is not very likely. Just accept where they are in their lives and do not try to alter them to your way of thinking unless it is appropriate and in their interests and not just yours.

  REMEMBER THEIR AGENDA, HOW DOES YOURS FIT IN WITH THEIRS? Always remember someone else may have been through a rough patch for some reason, e.g. illness, the death/illness of a loved one, personal/financial loss. We all have storms and clouds in our lives,

  BE KIND

  WHO ARE THE PEOPLE

  YOU LIKE TO BE WITH?

  Is there someone’s company you particularly like? Do you know why you like them? Disregarding a strong physical attraction what are the characteristics you particularly admire in them?

  Is it because

  They always have time for you They are always pleasant to you They are stimulating company. They are intelligent.

  You can relax completely with them

  You enjoy the same/similar interests.

  You have the same belief system.

  You like to go to the same places.

  You are in a similar position in life, similar jobs, situation, or relationships.

  You have a common bond, shared history or perhaps children.

  You live in close proximity possibly are neighbours.

  They are never mean or spiteful.

  They are reliable.

  You admire something about them.

  Or some other reason.

  On the negative side, are there friends who sometimes irritate you because you perceive;

  They are critical of you or other people

  They are unreliable

  They tell untruths or lies. They are silly

  They are mean or spiteful

  They are jealous

  They are boring

  They are self-obsessed

  Or any other reason

  I usually try to pay attention to anyone who is particularly good with other people. What is it they are doing? How are they behaving differently to other people? One lady I know seems to be able to get on with a diversity of people and be pleasant to all. She is always charming, easy going and a good and attentive listener.

  She does not talk about more things or events than anyone else but she always speaks of everything in a fresh and enthusiastic way that makes them all sound fascinating.

  A small event, which I would not have even mentioned, is made to sound interesting and out of the ordinary. Tone of voice is important here.

  Ordinary things seem fresh, new and interesting. Her interest in anything always sounds totally genuine.

  I first met Brother Ignatius in a calligraphy class. People spoke of his beautiful letter
ing and the work he had done. On speaking to him I was immediately struck by his listening skills and then realised that within a couple of minutes he was making me feel important. I looked back on this and wondered what he had done.

  I found out he used to teach boys. How fortunate they had been to have a tutor who was able to boost their confidence and levels of self esteem.

  What did he do? He was kind enough to explain.

  He believes in listening very carefully, being very alert and having a great respect for people. He believes in taking a great interest in people and that they often have a fascinating life story.

  All these things combine to make him easy company and very memorable.

  HOW DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE PERFORMING OVERALL?

  Do you feel you need help in some areas or just a little tweaking here and there? If you are having problems try to work out what is causing them. Is it something you are saying or doing? Is the problem coming from someone else? Does it happen regularly? Is there a regular something being said or done beforehand? Try to backtrack to what starts the problem then change what is said or the behaviour that causes the trigger.

  You can improve what is happening with a little patience and practice. Spending a little time on negative areas will help iron out problems and make living less problematic.

  If you cannot sort out any problems and find yourself totally stuck find a good psychotherapist or counsellor. It is just a small hurdle to get over and it will help your life to function more smoothly when removed. You will also learn something in the process which will make you more competent for the rest of your life.