Out of Alignment (Hearts & Horsepower #5)

by A. K. Evans

  His thumb stroked along my jaw a few times before he used his opposite hand to squeeze my hip again while he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

  When he stepped back, I asked, “Can we try to get together soon, please?”

  Frustration washed over him as he looked away. “Parker, I—”

  “Anytime,” I cut him off. “I don’t care when or where. I just… please, Nash? Can we please have something more than just a two-minute phone call or a text exchange?”

  He swallowed hard and answered, “Okay. I’ll figure it out and let you know what’s going to work.”

  Relief swept through me. “Thank you.”

  With that, he left.

  Two days later, he reached out and asked if Tuesday evening would work for me.

  And now I was here and did not doubt it any longer.

  I was an idiot for not seeing everything for what it was.

  Nash’s feelings had changed. I knew it.

  Because when I got home from work a few hours ago, I got a call from him.

  “Hey,” I answered. “I just got out of the shower. Are you on your way?”

  “No. I’m actually running behind,” he said. “I’m leaving work right now and heading home to shower. I think if we’re going to make it on time, you should meet me.”

  “Okay. Sure. Where are we going?” I asked.

  “Rising Sun Cinema,” he answered.

  The movies?

  Ignoring all the questions that came with that declaration, I asked, “What time should I be there?”

  “Thirty minutes,” he said.

  “I’ll see you then.”

  We disconnected, and I got myself ready. Then I met him at the theater thirty minutes later. I had no problem going to the movies and enjoying a good flick now and then, but I was surprised that this was what Nash had chosen. I’d gotten so used to his unique date ideas that something so traditional caught me off guard.

  After he purchased the tickets, and we were walking down the corridor to the theater our movie was playing in, I asked, “So what prompted the trip to the movies?”

  “What do you mean?” he returned.

  I shrugged and said, “I don’t know. You always seem so adventurous. I’m just surprised by your decision to do something so conventional.”

  “My mind just needs a break,” he confessed as he opened the door for me to walk in ahead of him. “The last week and a half or so has been pretty challenging for me. I needed something to distract me.”

  I nodded my understanding, but the truth was that I didn’t understand at all. There were a million things I thought we could have done that would have distracted Nash from whatever was on his mind.

  Worst of all, there was no way we could really connect while sitting in the theater. Not wanting to ruin the night, I decided it was best to accept that I was getting this time with him. I could find ways to make it feel a little less impersonal. The minute we had found seats, which wasn’t difficult considering the theater was mostly empty on a Tuesday night, I wrapped my hands around his bicep and shifted my body as close to his as I could.

  For the next hour and a half, I could barely focus on what was happening in the movie. I wasn’t invested in it. I would have preferred being at home with him. Even if watching a movie is what he wanted to do, I would have been happier doing it there. Because then, at least we could have been curled up on the couch together and not separated by a hard, plastic armrest.

  When the movie ended, Nash looked over at me. His eyes searched my face.

  “What did you think?” he asked.

  I nervously bit my lip. “Um, it was… it was good,” I stammered.

  Nash’s eyes narrowed, and he gave me an inquisitive look. Whatever he thought of my response, he didn’t say. Instead, he said, “Are you ready?”

  I was more than ready to go, so I answered, “Yes.”

  But as we walked out of the theater, I noticed that Nash didn’t reach for my hand. He didn’t put his arm around me as we walked down the hall, either.

  And by the time we walked outside, I knew something was very, very wrong.

  Nash walked by my side to my car. When we got there, I asked, “Are you going to follow me back to my place or—”

  “I’m going to head home tonight, Parker,” Nash cut me off.

  I blinked in surprise as I jerked my head back. “What?”

  Something was working in his mind. I could see it in his eyes. Pain, fear, and a little of something else. Remorse maybe? Regret? I didn’t know what.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice strained. “I need to go home tonight.”

  A painful stinging started in my nose as a lump formed in my throat.

  Yep.

  Something was very, very wrong.

  He needed to go home tonight for whatever reason he wasn’t sharing, and I didn’t factor into that.

  Nodding my understanding, I unlocked my door and got in my car. Before I closed it, I clipped, “If you didn’t want to spend time with me tonight, Nash, you should have just said so.”

  “Parker—”

  I held my hand up. “No. Don’t. I’m going home alone, Nash. After a day when I was so excited to see you and spend time with you. I can understand being busy at work, but it would literally do nothing to your work schedule to make love to me tonight before you fall asleep with your arms around me.”

  Longing washed over him. Longing and regret. Definitely regret.

  When he said nothing, I reached out to the door handle and said, “Goodbye, Nash.”

  Then I closed my door and drove myself home.

  Now that I was here, I needed to talk to someone. I needed advice.

  Badly.

  And there was only one person I knew I could count on. So, I rolled over and reached out to grab my phone off the nightstand. Then I called my sister because I knew I could hand her this, and she’d see me through it.

  There were moments in life that were unforgettable. In so many instances, I was grateful for those moments. Having the ability to remember something so profound that had happened in my life was remarkable.

  But there were times when I wished I could forget. They weren’t often, and there weren’t many, but they still existed.

  And I hated them.

  Like today.

  If I could have gotten the look on Parker’s face when she realized I wasn’t going back to her house with her out of my mind, I would have gladly let it go. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out like that.

  Memories were funny that way.

  Even when you didn’t want to remember, they held on to you, refusing to let you forget. I had memories like that. Moments in time that would be forever engrained in my mind. Small fragments that made up just a fraction of my entire life. I often wondered how something so small—often lasting not more than a few seconds—could hold so much space in my mind.

  Maybe it was because they were the most meaningful. Maybe it was because they were meant to change my life in ways that nothing else would ever be able to do.

  Over time I’d tried to learn to cope with those memories in the best way I could. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of it, too. If I wasn’t living in misery, that must mean that I hadn’t let them wreck me too badly.

  But over the last week and a half, I was learning differently. What I believed had been an incredible ability to find the positive in any situation was merely just a means for me not to have to feel too much when things got difficult or complicated.

  I told myself I just wasn’t going to let things bother me. It wasn’t worth getting worked up over stuff I couldn’t control. I’d been doing a damn good job of pretending that was working for me.

  Everyone saw it.

  Look at Nash. He’s so carefree and laid-back.

  Yeah, right. I was probably more on edge than anybody else. And what had been happening over the last several days was proof of that.

  Because not only had the very memory from all thos
e years ago become something so much more than it already was, I also felt the opposite of at ease.

  And minutes ago, I stood in the parking lot watching Parker drive away from me, knowing that the brief exchange we had with one another was one of those moments that would live in my mind forever.

  I never expected it would be this hard.

  I wasn’t a complete fool. I knew it would be difficult. Parker was an incredible woman. I’d be an idiot to think walking away from her would be simple.

  But this was beyond challenging.

  Why I thought I could do this was a mystery. I should have expected it was going to be one of the most difficult things I ever had to do because I had believed for the better part of a month that Parker was going to be the woman I was going to marry. And considering she hadn’t done anything wrong and I was still intent on ending us, it was no surprise I was struggling with telling her the truth.

  It wasn’t as though she was making it easy on me. I’d been having an awful time just staying away and not contacting her. When I ended up in front of her, there was an overwhelming effort to remember why I needed to follow through with putting the distance between us.

  Going to her office last Friday morning was a mistake. I should have just canceled the appointment as I had originally planned. But I didn’t.

  And then she had to show me just how much she’d missed seeing me all week long. She had to indicate how crucial it was to spend some time with me moving forward. And she had to kiss me.

  It was wrong for me to kiss her back. Hell, it was wrong for me not to come out and just tell her we were over. But this was Parker. There wasn’t much she could do that wouldn’t have me wanting to devour every inch of her regardless of the situation.

  She was beautiful and sexy, and she made no secret of the fact that she really liked me. One touch of her lips against mine had me feeling like a frail branch on a tree on a windy day. There was no question I would break.

  What else did I expect when I loved her so much?

  Of course, even believing I had a right to think that I loved her when I was doing this to her made me feel like the worst kind of human.

  And seeing that look on her face tonight was the last bit of proof I needed to know I was a jerk who didn’t deserve Parker.

  I had come close to telling her the truth, but she cut me off before I could. Then hearing her tell me she wanted to fall asleep in my arms after I made love to her.

  I wanted to give her that. I wanted to give myself that.

  If she had held out just a few seconds longer, I wasn’t sure I would have held myself back from taking her up on that request. And there was no doubt that would have made this messy situation even more fucked-up than it already was.

  So, I stood in the parking lot of the movie theater for several minutes after she pulled away, knowing that what had just happened between us was something I’d never forget.

  And sadly, I wasn’t convinced I’d experienced the worst of it yet.

  Because even if things ended on a bad note tonight, I still had to do the right thing and officially end this with her. I just wasn’t sure how I would tell her that something she couldn’t control was why I could no longer be with her.

  While there was something at the back of my mind urging me to go to her now, to put her out of her suffering sooner, I couldn’t. There was too much happening inside my head. This was going to be too difficult as it was. And before I could do anything with Parker, I needed to face this weekend.

  Then I’d be able to give Parker the truth.

  My phone chimed.

  It was the fifth chime I’d heard since the first one woke me up ten minutes ago.

  I had no desire to move.

  No desire to pick it up.

  It was the weekend—Sunday morning, to be precise—and I was taking every single ounce of time I had to feel my sorrow. Because I’d have to get up tomorrow morning and put in another week of work. I’d have to be on my game for my patients. They deserved that. I deserved that.

  But I was taking the rest of the weekend to sit with my sadness.

  To sit with the distrust.

  To allow the very harsh reality of where losing my control had gotten me to fill my mind and consume my heart.

  Because I would not do this again.

  I thought it was the threat of surface wounds that I feared. I was so wrong. Wounds like this hurt far worse than all the physical pain I’d endured in my life. And I hadn’t realized they existed.

  No call. No text. No visit.

  That’s how my birthday went yesterday.

  Okay, that’s not completely true. I did receive a call from my sister first thing yesterday morning. Kaia had called several times since I reached out to her on Tuesday evening and filled her in on what happened with Nash. She didn’t let a day go by without, at the very least, reaching out in some way to make sure I was okay.

  Because even if some of her thoughts regarding where Nash and I ended up on Tuesday were different from mine, she still made it abundantly clear that my well-being was her number one priority.

  But beyond the call I received from Kaia yesterday morning, I got nothing.

  While part of me believed I should have expected it, the other part of me held out some hope that there was still a chance for Nash and me.

  Maybe that made me foolish.

  If there were any hope for the two of us, Nash would have done more than send me a single text on Wednesday.

  Nash: I’m sorry. I’m going to make some time to talk to you. It’s important to me.

  I never responded to that text. I wasn’t sure what to say.

  And what did it matter anyway? It wasn’t as though I didn’t know what he was going to say.

  We were over.

  The only thing I had been hoping for was an explanation. A reason. I needed some understanding as to what went wrong.

  Sadly, I never got an explanation because Nash never called.

  When my phone chimed for the sixth time, I picked it up. I’d have been lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed when I saw that the texts hadn’t come from Nash.

  It was Kaia.

  It was safe to assume that she had been holding out even more hope than I was that Nash was going to see me on my birthday. Throughout the day yesterday, she sent random texts. I never responded to them because it hurt too much.

  And now that it was the day after my birthday and I still hadn’t reached out to her again, it was clear where her mind had gone.

  She thought she was right. She believed, after everything I’d shared with her about Nash, that he was a great guy. Kaia didn’t think there was anyone better for me than him.

  Unfortunately, my lack of response yesterday and this morning had her believing she was right. Because her texts clearly indicated that she was over the moon that she hadn’t heard from me. She believed that Nash had shown up to talk, we worked things out, and then he spent all night long making love to me.

  I had to put her out of her misery.

  And I needed to stop seeing her messages filled with hope.

  I pulled her name up on the screen, tapped on it, and held the phone to my ear.

  The phone just barely rang once when she answered, “Please tell me he’s gone to make you breakfast, and that’s why you’re calling.”

  “I could do that, but I’d be lying,” I croaked.

  “Oh, Parker,” she responded. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” I assured her. “I’m okay.”

  There was a moment of silence before she murmured, “I should have come out there. It was your birthday, and you spent it alone.”

  Yes, I did.

  But it was a good thing because I needed to get used to that. Kaia had moved, she was happy getting to know a guy now, and I was never going to put myself through this again. I’d go back to being happy with my life as it was before Nash walked into it.

  I didn’t think it’d happen overnight for me. I knew I
’d fake it for a while, but I’d eventually get there.

  “This makes no sense to me,” she started. “Why would he tell you that he wanted to talk to you and not actually do it?”

  “I have no idea. To be honest, I’m so confused about all of it,” I answered.

  “What are you going to do?” she asked.

  I rolled to my back, stared at the ceiling, and confessed, “I’m going to let myself sulk for another couple hours. Then I’m going to get up and do the bare minimum of what’s needed for me to make it through the week with as little work here at home as possible. “

  “That’s not what I meant,” Kaia declared.

  “What?”

  “I want to know what you’re going to do about getting the answers you deserve,” she clarified.

  Blinking in surprise, I sat up in the bed. There was an edge of determination and maybe even frustration in Kaia’s tone.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  My sister audibly sighed. Hearing that, I knew I would be in for a surprise because this wasn’t like her.

  “Look, you know what I said when you called me on Tuesday,” she began. “I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. You’re my sister, and you called me crying and feeling devastated because you believed the man you admitted you fell in love with wanted nothing to do with you anymore.”

  I winced, recalling that conversation with her. That was precisely how I had put it. I fell in love with Nash, and I was convinced he wanted nothing to do with me.

  Following a brief pause, Kaia continued, “I held out hope that he was simply just busy. And maybe that is true. Maybe he still is. But there is no excuse, none, for not calling you on your birthday. His time is up. You need to demand answers.”

  “Okay, who are you, and what have you done with my sister?” I returned.

  “Oh, this is me,” she insisted. “But for too long, I watched you stand up for me. If I was there right now, I swear I’d go and kick this guy’s ass myself. But since I’m not there, I’m going to make sure you get what you deserve out of this. If he doesn’t want to be with you, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, he at least needs to give you some answers. This isn’t about being busy at work.”