Stripped Down

by Eden Butler

  “No, Sammy. Why would you think that?” He sat up and his expression hardened. “How can you think that?”

  “Because you have no honor.”

  His mouth dropped open, and Johnny flinched. I hadn’t planned to say the words. They slipped out before I’d given them any real consideration, but the slip was enough. They were the truth. He’d taken more than I’d offered, and he’d never looked back. Johnny would never understand, could never understand, what a mess he left behind when he broke my heart.

  “I’m not…” He nodded once, and his shoulders drooping as though something weighing a ton had just been dropped on his back. The car pulled to the curb and then stopped, and before I had a chance to register that we were outside my building, Johnny was out of the car and slipping around to my side to open the door for me.

  I stepped out of the car, letting him take my elbow to help me into my building, and we didn’t speak as we went inside. I nodded to the night guard as we waited at the elevators. Johnny tightened his features, his mouth drawn down and a severe line forming between his eyebrows. He kept his distance, standing across from me, hands behind his back as though he didn’t want me to think he would try to make a move.

  But that hard expression did more than make him look severe and irritated. It worked a knot in my stomach. One that grew thicker and heavier as the elevator doors opened and Johnny ushered me inside. He wouldn’t ask to come into my apartment. He hadn’t asked to come inside when he’d picked me up. And that knot was my own good upbringing weighing me down, telling me that I’d managed to hurt his feelings by speaking the truth.

  Damn it.

  I shouldn’t feel bad about this.

  But I did.

  He leaned against one side of the car, looking up at the numbers as they grew higher and higher. The hard set of his features not relaxing.

  I couldn’t take the silence another second longer. “You…weren’t all bad,” I tried, watching him from the corner of my eye, trying to keep from smiling when I spotted him glancing down at me. “You got May Phan the pregnancy test that summer when your cousin Dario thought he knocked her up.”

  Johnny suppressed a snort. “Lot of good it did him.”

  “Because the baby wasn’t his?”

  “Even May didn’t know whose baby that was.” He moved closer, slipping both hands into his pockets. “It was nothing,” he tried, looking away from me.

  “You look out for your family. That…that takes honor.”

  “No, Sammy,” he said, standing in front of me. “That’s loyalty.” Johnny stared at the floor as though he couldn’t make himself look at me directly when he admitted the truth. “You weren’t wrong. I had no honor. What I did to you…”

  “Johnny…”

  “I mean it.” He leaned a hand on the wall next to my head, and I caught the faint hint of his cologne, the smell bringing forward a thousand memories I’d tried to suppress for years. “I am sorry. I mean it. I’m sorrier than I can say.”

  One look at his face and I thought he might mean it. There wasn’t any humor in his expression. No smirk or twitching laughter on his mouth that made me think he was pretending. Johnny meant it. And if he meant this, he must have meant that kiss from earlier.

  My heartbeat doubled for a different reason, and I decided to change the subject. I was grateful when the elevator slowed, opening on my floor.

  “You really weren’t as bad as I say,” I said, walking out of the car and down my hall, tugging my bag open to grab my keys.

  “No?” he asked, keeping step with me.

  “No. I guess I’d say there were three things that made me go a little stupid over you,” I admitted, stopping at my door. I put the key into the dead bolt and turned to face him, but I didn’t unlatch the locks.

  “Well, now you have to tell me, bella.”

  I quirked my mouth, pretending to debate his request before I sighed, as though his demand were ridiculous. “Fine, if you have to know, it was your laugh.”

  “My laugh?”

  “Yes. It’s a good laugh. Belly deep. I like an honest laugh when you’re not afraid to let the world know you think something’s funny. When you don’t care who knows you love to laugh. That’s the kind of laugh you have, Johnny.”

  “Huh,” he said, leaning on an elbow against the wall to look down at me. “I’ve been paid a compliment or two before by women, but none of them have ever mentioned my laugh.”

  “That’s because they were trying to flatter you.” I straightened, putting distance between us. “I’m not.”

  “No?”

  “Why would I? We have a business arrangement. Nothing more.”

  I expected him to frown, maybe grow sullen and irritated again, but Johnny didn’t stop smiling, moving in closer and taking my hand. “We can see each other for other things aside from these dinners with the Garcias.”

  “Or we can stick to the arrangement.”

  “Or…”

  “No ‘ors,’ Carelli.” I stepped back, turning the knob, but Johnny stopped me, grabbing my hand to kiss my knuckles.

  “You’re gonna let me take you out on a date. A real one, not part of our ‘negotiation.’”

  “No,” I said and pulled my hand free. “Never.”

  I stepped inside, taking my keys out of the lock. I nearly had my door shut when Johnny stopped me, throwing out a quick, “You didn’t tell me what the other two reasons you fell for me were.”

  I paused, nodding as I realized he was right. “I guess I didn’t.”

  “It’s okay. You can on our next date.”

  “No…not dates—”

  “Night, Sammy,” Johnny said, interrupting me. Then he headed down the hallway whistling, sounding way too smug.

  5

  Sammy

  Antonia didn’t mind letting us use the empty space she rented out just a few blocks from the center while Johnny got the renovations underway. It wasn’t a bad situation, really, since the place had a small kitchen and several bathrooms on the same floor. Johnny had even had his workers bring over our pianos and sound system and set up a small office space for Indra and me to share. The only problem with that was that anything remotely curious that happened caught the attention of my nosy kids, who could see everything we did perfectly through the makeshift walls that separated the classrooms and conference room from the reception area.

  Which was why I tried to cut off the flower delivery the second the guy came through the door. It didn’t work since the bouquet he carried was large, with at least two dozen white roses and sweet peas, mixed with several other of my favorite flowers.

  “Miss Nicola?” the delivery guy asked, holding out the bouquet to me and handing over the vase.

  “That’s me,” I said, tucking the flowers low at my side, hoping the little witnesses to my left wouldn’t pay attention. “Thanks,” I told the guy, offering him a tip before he hurried back through the door.

  “Oh, those are nice,” Indra said, taking the bouquet from me before I could chuck them into the garbage. “And there’s a card…” She pulled the small white piece of cardstock from the envelope and read what was written. Her expression moved from curious to pleased in under a second. “Well, well, well…looks like you’ve been holding out on me.”

  “Have not,” I said, ignoring the question in her tone as I moved back to my desk and powered on my laptop. We had a new art class starting that afternoon, and I needed to double-check the instructor’s supply list. But Indra was almost as bad as our kids. A fact that was illustrated as she pushed away from her own desk, facing opposite mine, and wheeled her chair back until she landed right next to me.

  “You kissed him?” she asked, pinching the card between her fingers.

  “Hush,” I said, grabbing the card from her before she got truly obnoxious.

  Nothing is as sweet as the memory of your kiss. Thank you for an unforgettable night.

  —JC

  I had to admit it. The man hadn’t lost
his touch.

  “Hey, Miss S, you got a boyfriend now?” I heard, and I turned to see a small group of my kids sticking their heads out of the music lesson. All of them interested in the flowers and the attention I paid to the card that came with them.

  “Yes,” I told them, standing to pick up the flowers and move them from the spot front and center of the receptionist’s desk where Indra had placed them. “Jesus is my boyfriend, and he’ll be very upset that you’re not practicing your scales. Shoo!”

  Laughing, they disappeared, and I forgot about the flowers and Johnny’s card for the half second Indra took to turn her chair and lean it back against my mini file cabinet.

  “What?” I asked her when she sat there silently, watching me.

  “What do you mean, ‘What?’ I mean, what kind of friend are you anyway? You go on a date with some rich, purportedly hot Italian big shot, and then you get those ridiculous things—” she pointed her thumb over her shoulder toward the flowers “—and you get sent something as sweet as that.” She thumped the card in my hand before I dropped it. “I’m going to need details.”

  If I ignored her, she’d only pout and refuse to do any real work. May as well deal with her right then and there. I inhaled once, swiveling my chair to face her, my hands resting in my lap. The glare I shot at her did nothing to deter her, so I gave up, figuring I’d give her what she wanted and be done with this conversation.

  “What would you like to know?”

  Indra sat up, and if I didn’t know her better, I’d say she was tempted to clap or do a little happy dance. But she composed herself enough to sit on one foot, getting comfortable before she faced me. “He kissed you?” I nodded, pulling Indra’s smile wide. “Tongue or no tongue?”

  I exhaled and rolled my eyes, feeling a tension headache already building. “Tiny bit of tongue, but nothing pornographic.”

  She copied my eye roll. “You could use pornographic, if you want my opinion.”

  “I don’t. Anything else?”

  “Duh. Details.” She moved her chair closer, glancing once over her shoulder toward the wall of glass that separated the lobby area and the rehearsing student musicians before she returned her attention to me. “So, did he just go up to you and kiss you, or was it smooth? Did he have moves? Tell me how it happened.”

  A quick flash of that kiss rushed into my mind, and I suppressed the memory. It was a good kiss. Too good, but I couldn’t let myself get caught up in what I knew was an impossible situation. Johnny wasn’t a good man. He never would be. It didn’t matter how good of a kisser he was. Or that he was even better at it as a man than he had been as an eighteen-year-old kid.

  Nothing would ever happen between us.

  But I couldn’t tell Indra that. She stared at me. Her hopeful, romantic-comedy, Hallmark-movie-loving, doe eyes watching me like she fully expected me to tell her something fit for a goofy Christmas romance movie. I couldn’t disappoint her, but I wouldn’t lie either.

  “It was a great kiss. But it was all pretend. The Garcias asked how we met, Johnny told the truth and then lied by saying I was giving him a second chance.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a lie, Sam.”

  “Anyway,” I said, ignoring the stupid grin on her face and her assumption. “They insisted he kiss me. End of story.”

  “Well, that’s disappointing.” When I didn’t argue, Indra’s attention returned to me. “What’s that look? You were disappointed?”

  “Not exactly.” Even I couldn’t recover that quickly. Indra knew me well. She could make out when I was trying to hide what I thought or when something disappointed me. Even if I knew nothing could happen between Johnny and me, it didn’t mean I wasn’t sorry the kiss had ended so quickly.

  “It’s not that… Later on, he tried to make me believe he actually had plans for winning me back.” Indra smiled, and I almost hated to disappoint her with the shake of my head. “Sorry, no. Not going to happen. Besides, I messed that up pretty badly. I told him he had no honor, and for someone like Johnny Carelli, that’s below the belt.”

  “But not untrue.”

  I let loose a low laugh, but it held no humor. She couldn’t know how accurate her words were, and I had no intention of ever telling her. Indra knew enough about me. But not everything. “No, not entirely.”

  “So, did you apologize?” I nodded, and Indra seemed satisfied.

  “And then he tried to convince me I’d let him date me.”

  She relaxed against her chair, her smile easy, satisfied as she moved her fingers over her mouth as though she were thinking about something that pleased her greatly. After a few seconds, Indra nodded. “He’s got balls. I think I might love him. You need someone like that.”

  “I’ve been there with him before,” I told her, turning my chair to focus on my laptop again. “It didn’t end well.”

  “But still. You were attracted once.” She ignored my body language and the way I tried to appear busy by scanning through my unopened emails. Indra moved her chair next to me, still talking, seeming not to care that I was ready for this conversation to end. “And it stuck with you if you’re still a little sweet on him.”

  “I’m not.”

  I hated her laugh, how quick it came, how it made me feel like an idiot.

  It only quieted when I jerked my gaze to her, my features going tight. “He broke me.”

  Indra went quiet. I hadn’t meant to make her feel bad, but by how silent she’d become, my confession had made her understand that I wasn’t ready to give Johnny Carelli any second chances.

  After a minute, she touched my hand, squeezing it once, only relaxing again when I returned her smile.

  “It’s fine. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

  “You say that,” Indra started, her voice cautious, “but I’ve never seen you get so uneasy about a guy. Men throw themselves at you all the time. Gorgeous men. Powerful men. Well-connected men. And you brush them off like they’re nothing. This one, though. This one rattles you, and inside a few weeks of reconnecting with him, you’ve agreed to an arrangement with him and let him kiss you. I guess I just have to wonder why. What is it about him?” Indra tilted her head, her focus sharp as she looked me over. “Are you really over him?”

  He had soft, wet lips and held me so close. His breath was warm, smelled like mint and wine. I thought he might devour me. I thought maybe I wanted him to. Just for a second, only for a second, I thought I wanted him to ravish me like he had before.

  Before…before he destroyed me and left me with…

  I blinked, squashing the heartache, trying to remember what came next. The sweetness. The joy. There was so much of it that had nothing to do with Johnny. So much more to come. I’d stopped hating him a long time ago, and it was because of who I became after he left me behind.

  He changed me, and part of me loved him for that.

  But that didn’t mean I could ever let myself be in love with him again.

  I forced a small smile, dismissing Indra’s laugh as I went back to my email, clicking through one message after another. “Of course I’m over him,” I told my friend as I set about my work.

  Four hours later, Indra had gone to fetch our lunch. The kids were still in the middle of their impromptu picnics in the rehearsal space, ditching their instruments in favor of singing a cappella rounds of mash-up songs most of the clergy they performed for likely wouldn’t approve of.

  I tidied the office space, ignoring the flowers Indra had returned back to the receptionist’s desk even after my second and third attempts to chuck them. Despite the small irksome feeling I had for Johnny for sending me such an obviously expensive gift, I couldn’t help but appreciate the bouquet. They were beautiful, and their scent filled the entire lobby area. The petals were soft, delicate, and I touched one, rubbing the rose in what could only be described as a lapse of good sense, just as the front door opened and a deep voice said to my right, “Good. I’m glad you got them.”

  Of cour
se, he’d show right then.

  I jerked around, lifting my chin to face him like a soldier readying for battle. Why did I always feel like I had to be on my guard with this man?

  Ah. That’s right. Because he’d conquered me once already.

  “Johnny,” I greeted, not bothering to acknowledge the flowers at all. “What are you doing here?”

  His gaze shifted to the bouquet, then back to me. I spotted the small twitch moving his thick lips. It surprised me that whatever sarcastic comment I was convinced he wanted to make stayed clamped down behind his mouth. “Ah, there is a designer I’d like you to meet. He’s down the block at another appointment and could squeeze you in this afternoon if you have time.”

  “You couldn’t call?” I asked, not convinced that was the real reason he’d stopped in. Folding my arms, I waited for him to answer me. I was surprised when he looked away, scanning the room, caught sight of the kids, and stepped away to look down the hallway to the back of the area. “Johnny?”

  “Sorry, bella,” he said, returning to me. “I confess, I wanted to see how everything looked and make sure you got settled in okay.”

  I wasn’t buying it. “No, you wanted to make sure your little cousin did everything she promised she’d do.”

  Johnny furrowed his eyebrows, and a deep line formed between them. But as I went on staring at him, not removing the knowing frown from my lips, he relented, laughing. “Fine. That too. But, oddio, she’s charging me through the nose. I want to make sure she’s giving me what I’m paying for.”

  “Do you want a tour?” I offered, waving a hand toward the hallway.

  He frowned before he looked down at his watch. “No, but thank you. I don’t want to disrupt your day any more than I have. But I did mean what I said about Rico coming by. Is this afternoon okay? Maybe around four?”