The Non-Commissioned Baby

by Maureen Child

  She shook her head, refusing to turn around and face him. Looking into his eyes would only make this so much harder.

  He wouldn’t be put off, though. He stepped up behind her, grabbed her arms and turned her around. Her back pressed to the edge of the counter, she met his blue eyes and saw a flash of emotion that shot a tremor of warning down her spine.

  “Laura,” he spoke more softly now, his gaze moving over her features like a caress. “What happened tonight scared the hell out of me.”

  Her heart breaking, she said, “It scared all of us.” She would never forget the image of Jeff racing into danger. She couldn’t forget the mind-numbing minutes she’d spent waiting to see if he’d survived.

  “I know you were scared, too.” His hands gentled on her arms, and his thumbs moved over the fabric of her nightshirt. “But the fear made me think, too.”

  “Jeff, don’t,” she pleaded, even knowing that it was too late. Love shone in his eyes. Determination etched into his features, and she realized there was no way to escape hearing the declaration she knew was coming.

  Logically, Laura knew she was being foolish. She should be happy that such a man loved her. But happiness was an ephemeral emotion. And despair stretched on forever.

  “I have to say this,” he told her. “Tonight made me realize that what we have together is too fragile to be taken for granted.” Abruptly, he let her go, took a half step away from her, then stopped and ran one hand across the back of his neck. His voice dropped as if he were speaking to himself, not her, as he continued. “I figured I’d have all summer to convince you.”

  No, he wouldn’t have, she thought sadly, forcing herself to keep from reaching for him. She never could have stayed the whole summer. But he didn’t know that.

  “Now I know that I can’t take the chance of waiting.” He shrugged helplessly. “For all I know, I could step into the street tomorrow and get run down by a truck.”

  Her breath caught. Memories of a long-ago car accident that had shattered her world rose up, and she relentlessly battled them down again.

  He came back to her, cupping her face in his hands, his fingers spearing into her hair at her temples. “I don’t want to wait another day to tell you that I love you.”

  Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked them back. What she wouldn’t have given in that moment to be able to tell him that she loved him, too. Three small words. How could they both warm her and terrify her?

  “I know you don’t want to hear this,” he said in a rush, apparently sensing her turmoil. “But, Laura, life’s too fragile to not say the things that are important to us.”

  Panic burned in the pit of her stomach. She knew very well just how fragile life was. Fragile enough that to care about anyone as much as she did him was to leave yourself open to disaster and unbearable pain. She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t risk everything only to have Fate snatch it away from her again.

  “I want you to marry me,” he blurted, then stopped and smiled at her. “Man, there’s something I never figured to say.”

  Her eyes widened. Suddenly frightened, she worried that just by his speaking the words out loud, he’d thrown a challenge at the feet of the gods of happiness.

  “Don’t say anything more,” she whispered, and reached up to lay her fingertips across his mouth to silence him, though it was already too late.

  He kissed her fingers, then spoke anyway, refusing to be hushed. Her hand dropped to her side.

  “I’m going to say it, and you have to listen. I realized tonight that I couldn’t take the chance of losing you, Laura.” His voice dropped, husky with emotion. “You’re to important to me. I can’t even imagine living without you.” He sucked in a gulp of air. “I thought I could wait. Give you time. But I can’t. I need a commitment between us, Laura. I need to be married to you.”

  She gathered up her remaining strength and said, “Being married isn’t a guarantee, Jeff.”

  He gave her a half smile. “I didn’t say I needed guarantees. I just need you.”

  She needed guarantees. She needed someone to tell her that this time it would be all right. This time, the man she loved would live forever. But since she couldn’t have that promise, she wouldn’t risk loss again.

  She started to speak, but he cut her off.

  “Don’t answer yet,” he said quickly, his gaze boring into hers. “Think about it. Think about us. Miranda.” He slid one hand down to cover her flat belly. “You may be pregnant, Laura. Think about that, too.”

  His eyes closed and he leaned toward her, pressing his brow to hers. “I love you, Laura,” he whispered. “And I know you love me and Miranda. Neither of us planned for this to happen. But didn’t you tell me once about life shattering your plans and how you had to adapt? Accept?”

  She nodded stiffly and remembered the eight long, lonely years she’d hidden her heart and soul from the world.

  His arms closed around her, pulling her flush against him. “We could be happy together, Laura, the three of us.” He kissed the top of her head. “Hell, maybe the four of us. But I think you already know that.”

  Yes, they could be happy. If only the risk weren’t so great. As for the chance of her being pregnant, she wouldn’t worry about that yet. She still had another week before they would know. Time enough then.

  Although, she thought, the idea of Jeff’s baby growing inside her was somehow a comforting one.

  “Love me, Laura,” he said, bending his head to give her a kiss. “And let me love you.”

  She leaned into him. The instantaneous flash of heat between them warmed her to her soul. Tonight, she thought, giving herself over to the incredible sensations he created in her. They could have this one last night together. They deserved at least that much, didn’t they?

  She reached up, wrapped her arms around his neck, and when he lifted her into his arms, she sighed into his mouth. Quickly, he carried her to his bedroom, and in seconds, their clothes were scattered across the rug and they lay entwined in each other’s embrace.

  His hands seemed to be everywhere at once. Stroking, caressing, his palms moved over her familiarly, rediscovering her body as if for the first time.

  Laura arched into him as his mouth closed over her breast. She felt every flick of his tongue as an arrow piercing the coldness wrapped around her heart. He suckled her, and she felt him draw the last of the loneliness from her. Her hands cupped around the back of his head, she held him in place, silently demanding more of him.

  He gave. Lavishly, he adored her breasts, one after the other, while his hands moved expertly over her flesh, stoking the kindling in her blood to a raging blaze.

  When he moved to slide along the length of her body, Laura moaned softly. His lips and tongue forged a trail across her skin. New patches of desire rippled to the surface as he slowly, deliberately drove her.

  Each kiss was a promise. Each caress a blessing.

  At last, he moved to take a position between her thighs.

  Hungering for the feel of him inside her, Laura lifted her arms to hold him, but he made no move to lie atop her. Instead, he slid his hands under her bottom and lifted her hips from the bed.

  “Jeff,” she whispered, “what are you doing?”

  His eyes glazed with passion, he met her gaze squarely. “Loving you,” he answered, and lowered his head.

  She gasped aloud when his mouth came down on her center. Her fingers curled into the sheet beneath her, searching for purchase in a suddenly spiraling world.

  His tongue swirled over and around a tiny piece of sensitized flesh. She jerked in his grasp and couldn’t quite contain the groan of pleasure that ripped from her throat.

  He lifted his head and smiled at her. Moving his hands from her behind, he shifted first one of her legs, then the other, to his shoulders.

  She looked at him, caught by the gleam in his eyes. Mesmerized, she continued to stare at him as he slowly, teasingly, covered her with his mouth again. Laura’s eyes closed br
iefly, then flew open again.

  Helplessly suspended in air, Laura could do nothing but feel. She watched him take her. Erotic sensations sizzled through her body as he gave her most intimate flesh long, luxurious strokes with his tongue.

  Her hips lifted, her heels digging into his back. She swayed unsteadily as his mouth took her to heights she had never dreamed of before.

  Then he slipped one finger inside her, and the last of Laura’s composure splintered. Too many sensations at once clamored through her brain, demanding to be recognized. Her breath came in short, ragged gasps as her hips lifted into his touch again and again.

  The world around her rocked as the first tremors rippled through her. His lips and tongue worked faster now, urging her on. Her eyes slid closed as a final, overpowering surge of pleasure rocketed around inside her.

  Jeff set her down gently on the mattress, reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out the condom he needed so desperately. When he was ready, he pushed himself into her, relishing her soft moan of pleasure.

  Fed by an almost frantic desire, he raced toward the completion waiting for him and, with one final thrust, joined her on the other side of passion.

  Some time later, Laura stirred from her dreams and turned into Jeff’s embrace. He muttered something in his sleep and tightened his grip on her.

  Caught halfway between being asleep and being awake, Laura sneaked a peek at the bedside clock—2:00 a.m. The night was almost gone, and they were wasting it in sleep.

  She pressed a kiss onto his chest, then shifted her head until she could run her tongue across his flat nipple. He sighed heavily.

  A sheen of tears blurred her vision, but she blinked them back determinedly. She wouldn’t allow herself to cry. Not now, anyway. There would be plenty of time for tears later. In the months and years she faced without him.

  Lifting her head, she looked down at him, memorizing each of his features, etching them into her heart. If things were different, she thought. If she were braver, if he had a less dangerous job, if there were guarantees...

  No. No more ifs. She’d made her decision. It wasn’t an easy one, and God knew she already had regrets. But there was really no other choice. She couldn’t face a lifetime of worry. Fear.

  She bent her head and kissed the corner of his mouth. His eyes opened to slits. He looked up at her and gave her a grin that would haunt her forever.

  This had to be enough, Laura told herself. She would have tonight with Jeff.

  Tomorrow, she would leave.

  By midmorning the following day, the sky was overcast and dreary. Heavy gray clouds threatened rain but did nothing about it. The weather matched her mood perfectly.

  The phone rang just as she was zipping her last suitcase.

  Laura straightened up and stared at it. If it was Jeff calling, she didn’t want to talk to him. She was afraid he would be able to tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. It would be better...easier if he didn’t find out about her leaving until the deed was done.

  On the other hand, if he decided to come home to find out why she wasn’t answering the phone...

  Instantly, Laura hurried to the table and snatched the receiver off the hook. “Hello?”

  “Hi,” Jeff said, his voice low and intimate. “What took you so long?”

  “Uh—” she shot a glance at the baby in her stroller “—I was changing Miranda.”

  “Give her a kiss for me.”

  “I will,” she said, her heart breaking.

  “Give one to yourself, too.”

  Lama’s grip on the phone tightened until she was afraid she’d snap the instrument right in half.

  “Is everything all right?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” she answered after clearing her throat. “Everything’s fine. Uh, I’m taking Miranda out for a couple of hours.” She flinched at the lie. “So if you call, I won’t be here.”

  “No problem,” he said. But she heard an undertone of concern in his voice. “Have fun.”

  “We will,” she said, eager now to hang up.

  “Laura,...”

  She bit back a sigh. “Yes?”

  “About last night...”

  She didn’t want to think about last night. She couldn’t. Not when she was leaving him.

  “Jeff,” she told him brusquely, “I’ve got to go before Miranda starts getting cranky.”

  “Sure,” he agreed quietly. “Go ahead. We can talk later.”

  “Later.” She nodded to herself. Later she would be gone.

  “I love you, Laura.”

  She winced, squeezing her eyes shut. On a sigh, she whispered, “I know.”

  Laura set the receiver back in its cradle and caressed it absently before turning away. She picked up her purse and the suitcase from the couch and paused to glance at the sealed envelope she’d left on the coffee table for Jeff. Then she pushed Miranda’s stroller into the hall, where the rest of her bags were already waiting.

  Agnes’s door was open, the older woman standing on the threshold, watching her.

  “I appreciate you taking care of the baby this afternoon, Agnes,” Laura said.

  She nodded her gray head and peered at Laura through those sharp blue eyes of hers. “I’ll enjoy it,” she replied. “Though I think you’re makin’ a big mistake.”

  “I can’t stay,” Laura answered, and closed Jeff’s door firmly. Just as she was closing the door on any future she might have had with him. “The new nanny will be here tomorrow.” Her bottom lip trembled slightly at the thought of someone else caring for her baby, but she had no choice. “I spoke to the head of a very reputable agency a couple of hours ago. She assured me that their nannies are extremely well qualified and that Miranda would be in good hands.”

  “You’re bein’ a damn fool,” Agnes said quietly.

  Laura’s gaze snapped to the other woman’s.

  “Oh, Jeff Ryan’s no prize, but he’s a good man.” She wagged one gnarled finger at Laura. “You should be snappin’ him up, not runnin’ for cover.”

  “Agnes, it’s just not that simple.”

  “Love is always simple,” the other woman asserted with a slow shake of her head. “It’s people who make it hard.”

  “Life makes it hard,” Laura whispered.

  “Runnin’ doesn’t make it any easier,” Agnes said, a trace of compassion in her voice. “You’ll find that you can’t run far enough or fast enough to leave what you feel behind.”

  The older woman’s words echoed in the hollow blackness that had become Laura’s heart.

  Agnes stepped up closer to her and gave her an awkward pat on the arm. “Why not stick around a bit longer?” she suggested. “Give it another day or so.”

  Every day she stayed only made it harder to leave. It was now or never.

  “I have to go,” Laura said. “My plane...”

  “Hope you know what you’re doin’, girl.”

  “I do,” she whispered. The only thing she could do.

  “One of these days, y’know,” Agnes added, “you’re going to regret this. A lot.”

  Laura gave her a watery smile. “That’s where you’re wrong, Agnes,” she said. “I already regret it.”

  Twelve

  Jeff held the huge bouquet of flowers behind his back as he opened the front door. Foolish perhaps, but he wanted to catch the look of pleased surprise on Laura���s features when he presented them to her.

  “She’s not there.”

  Frowning, he turned around to face Agnes Butler, standing in her open doorway. Sympathy shone in her eyes, and he tried to ignore it. “What? Where’d she go?”

  “She’s gone.”

  Amazing the effect that two simple words could have on a man’s nervous system. His mouth dry, he managed to croak out a question. “Where?”

  “Home, she said.”

  Home. Apparently he had been the only one to consider this place her home, as well as his.

  “The baby?” he asked.


  “Inside.” She nodded toward her own apartment. “Sleeping.”

  He nodded stiffly. His fingers tightened around the cellophane-wrapped bouquet he still held. The rustling sound seemed to echo around him. Drawing the flowers from behind his back, he smirked down at them. Surprise.

  “She said she left you a note,” Agnes continued.

  “A note.” He nodded again, congratulating himself on the movement. After the night they’d shared. After his proposal of marriage. She’d left him a note and disappeared.

  A hollow emptiness opened up inside him.

  Damn it, he’d had a feeling something was wrong. When he’d talked to her earlier on the phone, he’d heard a tremor in her voice that had worried him. But he’d convinced himself that all was well. That they would talk everything out when he got home.

  He’d never guessed that she would simply run away.

  “Jeff? You all right?”

  He glanced at the older woman. Strange that his old nemesis should now feel like his only friend. “I’ll be right over to get the baby.”

  “No hurry,” she said. “Take your time.”

  Jeff stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind him.

  Nothingness greeted him. Not one interesting smell from the kitchen. No Miranda gurgling happily in her high chair. No Laura singing softly to herself.

  The emptiness in his soul began to slowly fill with anger. How could she just leave, without a word?

  Then he remembered. A note.

  Grinding his teeth together, he let his gaze shoot around the room. He spotted it almost instantly. A plain white envelope, his name scrawled across it, lay on the coffee table.

  A muscle in his jaw ticked. He tossed the bouquet down onto the sofa and grabbed the envelope. Quickly, he tore it open, pulled out the single sheet of paper inside and read it.

  Dear Jeff,

  The baby is with Agnes, and I’ve arranged for a new nanny to start working for you tomorrow. I didn’t want it to be this way, Jeff, but I can’t marry you. Please understand and don’t follow me. I’ll always remember you and Miranda.