Love Me

by Diamond Johnson

  I was hurt, but I wouldn’t dare show it in front of him.

  “Fuck you!” I yelled to his back as he walked away.

  “I just told you I’m not fuckin’ you! No means no, baby doll,” his dumb ass yelled back to me.

  I was so angry that my eyes watered, and before I knew it, a tear had slipped. Granted, people used to pick on me in school all the time, calling me little, but his words stung worse than anything that those kids could ever say to me. Why was I allowing this man to have this much power over my feelings? The only man who has ever been able to get me like this was Jerrod.

  “I know your soft ass isn’t crying,” Sky said, followed by her laughing at me. “You talked hella shit to that man too. You stereotyped the fuck out of him by saying that he moves weight. Talked about the man’s tattoos, said he lives with his mama, then you got the nerve to start crying when he fires back on your ass. I’m going to fall back on him, though, and stop making comments about him being sexy because I can tell that’s going to be all you. The two of you went at it with each other like an old ass married couple,” Sky said, and I wiped my eyes while looking at her like she was crazy.

  “I swear, sometimes I think you forget that I’m married. I wouldn’t dare have any type of relations with that man. He’s too fuckin’ disrespectful” I said and stood up from the bench.

  She made a face like, yeah right, bitch, followed by a sly smirk. I didn’t even bother to say anything back to her because I was already annoyed with the situation that had just transpired. Maybe I was wrong for stereotyping him and saying half the things that I said to him. It’s just that when he started talking touching on things in my marriage that were actually true, it made me feel some type of way. I felt like too much had gone on today, so I called Jada over and let her know that it was time to go, and before I knew it, I was back inside my mom’s apartment, getting my other two kids and heading home.

  I had to be upset with the way things had played out because I didn’t even stay at my mama’s house long enough to eat her famous chicken souse. On the drive home, I guess Journey found herself not talking to me because instead of getting in the front seat, she got in the back with her brother and sister, which is something that she seldom did. I didn’t even have the strength to go back at it with her, so I left the entire situation alone.

  When I finally pulled up to our home, I sucked my teeth the moment I saw Jerrod’s car in the driveway. I wasn’t mad at the fact that he was home. I was mad at the fact that he was home and hadn’t called me back since this afternoon when I wanted to let him in on the things that happened with Journey today at school. A part of me was happy that he was home around this time because it had been a while since he had beat the sun home.

  Now that we were all inside the house, the kids took off to their rooms while I headed for the kitchen. I took out ground beef early this morning, so I was planning to make the kids spaghetti. I was fifteen minutes into cooking the meal when I heard footsteps coming down the steps. Something told me that they belonged to my husband because the steps were too loud for it to have been one of the children.

  Just like I thought, he came down, still in his work clothes from earlier. Well, his slacks were still on along with his dress shirt and his tie, although it was halfway on. He was carrying his laptop in one hand, and I could tell from the look on his face that he was stressing out about something. Nothing was said between the two of us as I stood over the stove and he headed to the island and took a seat at one of the stools.

  Another ten minutes had gone by, and he still hadn’t said anything to me. I turned to him, with my back facing the kitchen counter and crossed my arms. That was my position for about a good two minutes, and I knew he felt my penetrating glare.

  “What is it, Takari? What are you in the mood to argue about now?” he had the nerve to ask me.

  “Is that what you think of me? You think that I take pleasure in arguing with your ass? I would like to know why you never called me back earlier today. I was calling you for something important,” I let him know.

  He had the nerve to run his hand down his face and release a tight breath like he was annoyed with me or something. I didn’t want to come in the house and argue with him. I even admitted to being happy that he was home early because I was looking forward to sitting down at the kitchen table as a family. It had been so long since the five of us had done that together.

  “I asked you if you and Jada were okay, and you told me that y’all were, so what could you have possibly needed? Journey and Jaden were in school, so I knew they were straight. I don’t work the average nine to five, baby. Your husband works hard the moment I step in the office until the moment I leave. Trust me, I would love to sit on the phone with you all day and listen to each other breathe, but that shit won’t pay these bills. What was it? What were you calling me about? I wasn’t ignoring you. It’s just that I’d been in meetings all day today,” he said, closing down the laptop and giving me his undivided attention.

  It was so much that I wanted to say in response to the things that he’d just said to me, but I chose to just let it go. The kids were upstairs, and I didn’t want them ear hustling and hearing their parents arguing.

  “The principal called today. She caught Journey in the hallway kissing a boy. They ended up giving her an after-school suspension, and when I went to pick her up, she had a big ass hickey on her neck. I talked to her, but no matter what I say, I’m just not getting through to her. Maybe you can try.”

  I could see the fire in his eyes. His skin had begun to turn red, making it so obvious that he was pissed.

  “That’s your fault, man! I swear to God, you let that girl do whatever the fuck she wants to do. Try being her mother and not her little friend. Your problem is that you don’t know how to discipline her. You think taking her phone and then giving it back to her in another week is disciplining her. She doesn’t fear you, Kari, because you give her nothing to damn fear! Talking about I need to talk to her! You’re her damn mother, not me! It’s not me who needs to have those types of conversations with her. Maybe if you did more than hunt me down every fuckin’ five minutes while I’m at work, we wouldn’t have to worry about our daughter being hot in the ass while she’s at school!” he barked while throwing himself up from the stool.

  “Are you fuckin’ serious right now, Jerrod? It’s my fault that our teenage daughter was caught in the halls kissing a boy? What do you mean I don’t discipline her? I discipline her more than you do! Hell, when it comes to parenting, I do everything more than you do, so don’t you dare! Then you have the nerve to say that she doesn’t fear me! Nigga, she doesn’t fear your ass either because if she did, she wouldn’t even think that it’s okay to be in school kissing boys in the hallway, let alone, letting them niggas suck on her neck! It’s not just my responsibility to raise Journey. You can have that conversation with her as well about boys. And when the fuck have I ever hunted you down? Please, don’t flatter yourself. Since I’ve been with you, I’ve called your phone at the most twice back to back. You’re not that nigga for me to be calling you back to back! Fuck outta here!” I snapped and threw the pan that I used for the breadsticks down on the counter.

  He’d pissed me off so bad that I didn’t even bother to lower my voice, knowing that my kids were upstairs. We’d both said a mouthful to each other, and he was the one to remove himself from the situation and head upstairs.

  Twenty minutes later, I called the kids downstairs to eat. I’d lost the little bit of appetite that I had left, so while all three of them ate, I stayed in the kitchen washing the dishes and everything. Jada and Jaden talked amongst themselves during dinner time, which was the only sound in the kitchen. My son, who was pretty much my protector, came over to me before he went up the stairs and wrapped his little arms around my waist.

  I bent down so that I was at his level, and he kissed me a few times, making sure to tell me that he loved me. I knew he had to have heard the argument that had ju
st gone down between their dad and me, and little did he know, his level of affection right now was everything to me.

  Once the kitchen was all cleaned up, I headed upstairs to assist the twins with their baths, and in no time, I had both of them in their beds. I let them both know that I would be back in another hour or so to turn their TVs off. Before I headed to my bedroom, I went into Journey’s room, who was already under the covers asleep, lying on her stomach. I still wasn’t over finding out about her and this boy, but that didn’t make me love her any less. Because I couldn’t get any kisses from her when she was awake, I slowly walked over to her, ran my hand through the top of her scalp, and placed a small kiss on her forehead. I hated how toxic Journey and my relationship had become, and I just prayed to God that it would eventually get better.

  When I made it inside the bedroom that I shared with my husband, I noticed that he was in the other section of the bedroom, which is where his office was. He was sitting behind his desk, and I pretended that he didn’t even exist as I grabbed things from my drawers and prepared myself for a much needed shower.

  Inside the shower, I allowed the water to rain all down my body, even getting my hair wet in the process. I didn’t know why, but visuals of the asshole from the movie theater and today at the park ran through my mind. I pictured his strong, tall body behind me. I pictured him holding me from behind, whispering in my ear and telling me how sorry he was for the rude things that he said to me earlier. With his hands on my strong hips, I envisioned myself screaming out, as he penetrated me from behind, giving me dick for punishment. I imagined him talking shit in my ear, demanding that I apologize for the things that I said to him earlier as well.

  I was so horny that I wanted to cry. I found myself touching all over my body, but I didn’t want to be the one to bring myself to an orgasm tonight. I felt like that’s exactly how it was every night. I wanted someone else to be the one to touch me, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. My shower quickly ended, and I stepped out, wrapping myself up in the terry cloth that I had hanging up on the rack.

  With the towel wrapped securely around my body, I headed over to my section of the bathroom to brush my teeth and handle my nightly skin routine. Once I was finished, I dropped the towel, and I examined my body. Almost immediately, I started thinking about the way he referred to my body as a little boy body, and I cringed. Yes, I was small, but I had learned to work with what I had. In the right jeans, my ass could look plumper than it usually was.

  My husband had even told me over a million times that when my clothes came off, my ass was even fatter in person. Then, I thought about him telling me that I needed to grow some titties, and I ended up looking at my breasts and cringing again. I was a full 32 A cup, and I wore it proudly. I rarely wore a bra because there really wasn’t anything for me to keep secure. Fuck him! His dick was probably little anyway. Who am I kidding? My sister was right. He did walk around like his dick was too heavy. I laughed to myself because what made Sky even say some off the wall shit like that?

  I quickly lotioned my body with cocoa butter and threw on one of Jerrod’s old shirts from our college days then headed back inside the room. This time, Jerrod was in bed, lying on top of the covers with his attention on the television screen. The moment I walked out, his eyes landed on me. For the first time in God knows how long, he actually looked at me with lust in his eyes.

  I paid his glare no mind, as I went to my side of the bed and pulled the covers back. I was lying on my back for about a good two minutes when his strong arm found my waist, and he pulled me into him, placing me close to his side. I actually wanted my husband to touch me, so I didn’t stir. I didn’t tense up like I would usually do. I wondered if this had anything to do with the fact that I was already horny. Was I so desperate to feel the asshole from the park’s touch that I was finally allowing my husband to touch me? I really didn’t know.

  “Remember years ago, when you would sleep over in my dorms on a Friday night, and you would wear my clothes as pajamas?” he asked me.

  I did remember those times, so I laughed and nodded my head that I did. I usually wouldn’t sleep in his dorm during the week because I would be so busy with my classes, studying, and completing homework, but when the weekends came, that’s when I devoted pretty much all of my time to him.

  “I swear, those were the good days,” he said, and I had to agree with him on that.

  There was a long pause, and then he finally spoke up again.

  “I apologize for what I said to you downstairs. It doesn’t make it right, but I’m stressed out from work, and that stress allowed me to say shit out of my mouth to you that I didn’t even mean. I think you’re a damn good mother to our kids. I couldn’t ask for a better woman to raise them for me. No father wants to hear that their thirteen-year-old daughter is kissing boys, so I guess I was just looking for someone to blame, and I put it on you. I do know that a lot of Journey’s acting out has a lot to do with me not physically and emotionally being here, so I swear that I’m going to work on that. You don’t have to apologize to me because everything you said to me was shit that I needed to hear. I’m sorry, baby. Do you forgive me?” he asked, rolling over and getting on top of me.

  I nodded, letting him know that I did, and in seconds, our lips crashed into each other. Like a magnet, my arms went around his neck while his hands went for the bottom of the shirt that I was wearing, and he raised it for me. The kiss broke, but only for a few seconds so he could lift the shirt over my head.

  I thought about him. The way his shirt was off earlier today, and the sweat that glistened down his body, making the tattoos that filled his chest look as if they had been freshly done. God, I felt so wrong for fantasizing over another man while I was getting ready to make love to my husband. Jerrod wasn’t doing to my body what I needed him to be doing. It had been five minutes of kissing, and I was waiting for him to at least put my pussy in his mouth, but I’d be waiting forever for that because I knew it wasn’t coming.

  Since I’d been with Jerrod, I could count on one hand the number of times that he’s given me head because he hated giving it, and I hated receiving it from him. He didn’t know how to make love to my pussy with his mouth because he was always using his teeth, which made the feeling so uncomfortable. We both agreed years ago that he didn’t have to do it anymore.

  My body squirmed underneath him because I was just that horny. I could only pray that he allowed me to get mine off first because each time we had sex, he always got his first, and I was always left with a wet pussy. I finally pushed him off me, and my hands went for the waistband of his pajamas because I was ready for some dick.

  “Damn, girl.” Jerrod groaned once his index finger found my opening and he saw just how wet I was.

  I felt bad because it wasn’t him who had me dripping like this. I’d never in my life been this wet for Jerrod. He was finally fully naked, and my eyes went for his dick. Jerrod wasn’t the biggest on the planet, but he wasn’t the smallest either. His dick wasn’t fully hard right now, so it looked smaller than it actually was. While he pleased me with his fingers, he used his other hand to jack his dick in an attempt to put him on brick. It finally happened, and when that moment came, he reached over and started digging for something in the nightstand.

  I was horny and confused, so I was pulling his arm, telling him to hurry up. When I saw what he was looking for, I could have killed his ass.

  “A condom, Jerrod? Really? What, you think I have some type of disease or something?” I asked, almost immediately getting turned off by him.

  This was the only man that I had ever been with in my entire life.

  “What? Don’t say no shit like that, Shrimp. I’m going to be real with you. I’m not trying to have any more children. At least, no time soon. It’s just for my protection and yours,” he said, but I knew he was lying.

  “You watch me take my birth control every morning, so I’m confused as to why you’re pulling out a condom like I’m so
me cheap whore that you just met at a club. Even if you were trying to protect us, you could have at least pulled out, but don’t pull out a fuckin condom when I’m your damn wife! You know I’m on the pill!” I yelled, sitting up in the bed and putting the shirt back over my body.

  Just that fast, my pussy had dried up, and I was disgusted with myself for even kissing his ass.

  “Yeah, but that shit don’t always work! You told me you were on the pill five years ago, then boom! We got twins!” this motha fucka had the nerve to say.

  I stopped what I was doing and looked at him with so much anger and hurt in my eyes.

  “What are you trying to imply? You think I pinned the twins on you? Please go ahead and say it,” I said, getting dead in his face.

  “I’m not saying that, but how you go from being on the pill to ending up pregnant? I’m just not trying to take any chances,” he said, and I nodded.

  I was so fuckin’ hurt.

  “You know as much as I do that there were some days that I accidentally went without taking my pills. Five years later, and the truth comes out that you really think I would stoop so low to pin a fuckin baby on you? Really, Jerrod? I always knew that you were cocky, but damn! This is shocking, even for you. You don’t ever have to worry about touching my body again. I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m trying to sneak another baby out of you!” I said, followed by me leaving out of the room.

  I went down the hall, and instead of climbing in the bed with one of my kids, I just went into the guest bedroom. My body crashed under the covers, and the tears that I tried to hide from my husband quickly escaped my eyes. As much as I didn’t want to admit it nor accept it, I knew that my marriage was crumbling right before my eyes. I was losing control of my daughter and losing the love that I had left for Jerrod.