Love Me

by Diamond Johnson

  The next morning

  “Daddyyyy!” both my kids yelled the minute I walked through their mama’s house.

  I helped pay bills around this bitch, so it was only right that I had my own key to her apartment. As if I hadn’t just seen them yesterday morning before I dropped them off over there so that I could head up the road to Tallahassee, both my kids came running toward me full speed. I proceeded to hug both of them and place kisses on each of their foreheads. With my son, I had to get all the loving that I could now because pretty soon, his ass was going to be at the age where he wouldn’t think that it was cool anymore for me to be hugging his little ass.

  My son loved himself some football, so a few months ago, I’d taken him down to the park, so he could play. His little ass had the nerve to tell me that he was embarrassed when I told him I loved him in front of the other boys before I let him go onto the field. If only his little ass knew how at five years old, I would have given anything to hear my ole boy tell me he loved me face to face instead of on the other end of the phone when he called from prison, or from when I went to visit him.

  Zakiya, on the other hand, she was eight years old, and baby girl would take all the kisses and hugs that I would give to her any day. Like always, when I picked the kids up from their mama’s house, they were dressed nicely, and their hair was always kept up. Breshay did her thing when it came to taking care of our children.

  “What y’all was in here doing?” I asked as I walked further into the house with them.

  We walked into the kitchen together, and they both went back to the dining room where they were sitting before so they could finish their breakfast.

  “We were eating. Mommy made our favorite; oatmeal,” Zakiya said right before she put a spoon filled with oatmeal into her mouth.

  I listened to my kids babble off to me about the movie night that they had over there last night with their mama, and the latest elementary drama before I headed to the back to see what their mama was doing. It was Sunday morning, and I knew she was probably in her room getting ready to head to the hospital for work.

  After I went legit with my lifestyle, Breshay ended up doing the same thing and letting me know that she didn’t want to have to financially depend on me. I was proud of her for that. Not to say that I wouldn’t always make sure that her and my kids were always straight, but it felt good that she had her own and didn’t always have her hand out whenever I came around. I supported Breshay in just about everything that she did, especially if it was positive.

  When she decided that she wanted to go to college to get her nursing degree, I went with her to the orientation and everything. On nights when she needed to study, and it was her turn to have the kids, I would keep them, so she could focus on her school work. When she graduated, I was there in the stands, cheering her on.

  Breshay was a damn good mother, but girlfriend wise, the shit just didn’t mix. Toward the end, we argued too much, and we just weren’t compatible anymore. There really wasn’t any solid reason as to why Breshay and I broke up, which is why I have yet to give one. We were better off as co-parents and as friends.

  Without knocking, I walked straight into her room, and there she was. I probably should have knocked first because she was standing in front of her floor length mirror, butt ass naked as she applied lotion to her body. She wasn’t showing me nothing that I hadn’t already seen hundreds of times before. So, as if I wasn’t fazed by her nakedness, I closed the door behind me and walked over to the bench at the foot of her bed and took a seat. I know I said that I wasn’t fazed, but I was a nigga. A nigga with a dick at that, so I did peek a little bit.

  Breshay was collard greens and cornbread thick. Meaning, the way her body was stacked, you couldn’t get this shit from lying down on the table. Food and life made her this thick. She had always had a big ass, with a teeny tiny waist, and some wide ass hips. But the moment she pushed out both of my kids for me, her shit got heftier. Like, right now, there was no doubt in my mind that I can set a glass of wine on her ass and the shit wouldn’t tip over. Yeah, she had gained a few stretch marks here and there from the pregnancy, but that shit was still sexy.

  Ladies, please do not let these gay ass niggas out here tell you that stretch marks and cellulite wasn’t attractive because it was. While myself and my kids were a caramel complexion, Breshay was high yellow. She had big, brown eyes, perfect teeth, short hair, that she kept in a shoulder length bob, and she stood about 5’6”. She was fine, but I knew what she came with, so I was good on her.

  “I really hate when you do that shit, Bully! If I walk in on you naked, it would be a problem, but you constantly walk in on me naked, and you think the shit is cool. How you think my man would feel, knowing that I’m exposing myself like this to my baby daddy?” she asked, and at the same time, she walked over to the bed and quickly threw on her bra and panties.

  I waved her off and looked in the other direction, as she got dressed.

  “I don’t got shit to hide. My dick is going to be big whether it’s on soft or I’m hard. You can’t walk in on me naked because you don’t have a key to my shit, and what nigga? You free to date and all of that, but run them niggas by me first, especially if you plan on having them around my kids. The first time my kids tell me that you had a nigga around them, you and I are going to have a problem,” I let her know.

  I turned my face toward her now because I wanted her to see just how serious I was. Breshay was free to date whoever. I swear I wouldn’t get jealous, nor would I get in her ear and tell her that she couldn’t date. It was my kids that I was worried about. I felt like if she brought the nigga around me that she was dating, and I made it clear to him how I felt about my kids, then it left the nigga no choice but to respect my kids, especially when I wasn’t around. If he decides to disrespect my kids and he loses his life in the process, he can never fix his mouth to say that he didn’t know.

  “You don’t have to tell me that, Bully! I know that already. It’s not that serious with us right now, but once it is, I’ll let him meet you. Those are my kids too, and I’m just as protective over them as you are,” she let me know, and I nodded my head in agreement because she was right.

  She was finally fully dressed in her scrubs, and she walked over to her dresser to put a few dabs of perfume on.

  “Speaking of relationships… I heard that you were all boo’d up last night at my job with some woman. Who is she?” Breshay asked.

  It just dawned on me that I was for sure at the hospital that she worked at last night with Takari. The RNs who worked there were messy as fuck, so it was no telling who all told her that I was there with a woman and what they lied and told her that I was doing.

  “I’m not in a relationship with shorty. She’s married, and we damn sure wasn’t boo’d up. She ran into the back of my whip with her car, and I was taking her to the hospital to see about her arm. Her shit was broken, and after they put a cast on it and shit, we were on our way. Tell them bald headed hoes that you work with to mind their fuckin’ business. Them bitches want to do everything but work,” I snapped.

  “She’s a married woman, but you like her married ass. I’ve known you for years, Bully, and your ass isn’t the ‘let me take you to the hospital right quick, so we can see about your arm’ type of nigga! I remember when I went into labor with Zakiya, and I was in the apartment crying, and you told me to lay my ass back down and stop making all that noise. You dropping off bitches to the hospital now? I’m happy for you. You need some type of pussy in your life because you are always so damn uptight,” she said grabbed her wraparound purse from off the bed then wrapped it around her body. I laughed at the last part of her comment and pulled on the bottom of my goatee.

  “What makes you think that I don’t get pussy? Because I don’t come over here and discuss that shit with you? You know I’ve never been the type of nigga to go around bragging on my dick,” I let her know.

  “And you also never been the type of nigga to go aro
und fuckin’ random, different bitches! I know you, Bully! When it comes to what belongs to you, you’re selfish as fuck! You don’t like sharing, and you damn sure don’t like the feeling of having something new. You used to tell me all the time that you weren’t cheating on me because you enjoyed the feeling of the same warm pussy and because you were in the streets too much to be cheating. You’re a man with needs, so do I think that you smash a little something here and there? Damn right, but you not as wild as you think you are,” she said.

  I waved her off because let Breshay tell it, her ass knew me better than my damn grandma, and that was the woman who raised me.

  “Sooo, tell me. What’s her name? I want to know a few things about her,” she said, standing before me with her arms crossed against her chest.

  “Like I said, it ain’t shit that I can tell you about that married woman. I took her to the hospital because her car was totaled, and that’s that. Ain’t you going to be late for work? Asking all these fuckin’ questions like you about to write a memoir or some shit of my life,” I said, standing up from the bench and walking past her and out of the room.

  I didn’t even have to turn around to know that Breshay was behind me with that damn smirk on her face. My baby mama knew me well, so of course, she knew that I was downplaying the way I felt about shorty. I mean, a nigga wasn’t in love with her or no shit like that, but I’d be lying if I said that shorty wasn’t attractive.

  8

  Journey Evans

  “What does it say?” my best friend since kindergarten, Nandi, asked me.

  She and I were at school, and instead of being in our fourth period class like the rest of the students, we were hiding out in the accessible bathroom together as we waited to get these results. These pregnancy results. I knew that it was time to take a pregnancy test because since I’ve gotten my period a year ago, my shit came like clockwork. I was never even a day late on my period, so for four weeks to have gone past without a period, I knew that something was going on.

  I was still without a phone, so the only time that I could look up things online to try and guess if I was pregnant or not was when I would con my little brother to let me use his iPad. Everything I read online from the late periods to the constant headaches that I’ve been getting, mixed with the nausea that I’ve had, all pointed to me being pregnant. I was stressing myself out with this for weeks, to the point that I was barely eating.

  Last night, I told myself that it was time for me to go ahead and face reality, so I ended up downloading the TextNow app from Jaden’s phone, and I texted my best friend, Nandi, to let her know what was going on. Thank God for her. She had a twenty-four year old sister who lived with her and her parents, so she was able to find one of the last pregnancy tests in her sister’s bathroom, and she ended up bringing it to school for me this morning.

  The plan was for me to meet up with Nandi this morning in the bathroom so I could take the test, but I was too scared. I ended up going to class, and Nandi damn near dragged me into the bathroom with her right before fourth period was set to start, and here we were. I’d peed on the stick more than five minutes ago, and I had the test on the sink, facing down. Hovering over it because I was too afraid to look, and I didn’t want Nandi to look for me. The look on her face proved to me that she was just as scared as I was.

  I couldn’t even put into words how scared I was of this test coming back positive. This would be the ultimate heartbreak to my parents, especially to my mother. The tears that I’ve been crying since we’d been in this restroom were tears of fear. I was afraid of what was to come once my mother found out about this. Whether I decided to flip the test over now or ten minutes from now, the results would still be the same, so I ended up turning the test over.

  My nightmare had come true. Two bold lines sat right in the middle of the screen. I dropped down to knees and let out a cry so loud that there was no doubt in my mind that the restroom walls had shaken. Nandi quickly came over and wrapped one of her arms around me. She placed the other one on my mouth, stopping me from crying out again.

  “Ssshh! Journey, breathe,” she said because, at one point, it felt like I was hyperventilating. “Please calm down before one of the security officers come in here, and they see that we’re skipping.”

  It took about five minutes before I was able to relax. The tears hadn’t stopped at all, but I was much calmer. “Journey, I’m thirteen just like you. I just got my period for the first time a month ago, so I don’t have all the answers. I know that you like to keep stuff from your mom, but you have to tell her this. Journey, you have to,” she let me know, and I nodded my head in agreement with her. It was going to hurt more than anything to break this news to my mom, but like Nandi said, this wasn’t one of those things that I could just keep to myself.

  I was so angry with myself. Although I didn’t know much about sex, I did know that sex without protection could lead to pregnancy, yet I did it anyway. More tears came to my eyes when reality hit me that I was going to have to actually tell my parents who I was pregnant by. They would have to find out about Raheem and learn that he was six years older than me. Then, all my lies and sneakiness would come to light. They’ll soon realize why I loved to spend so much time at my grandmother’s house.

  “I’m going to tell her. Can I hold your phone, so I can call Raheem and talk to him really fast?” I said to her, and she looked at me like I was crazy.

  Nandi was my best friend, so I pretty much told her everything that took place in my life. Therefore, she knew about Raheem slapping me in the face a few weeks ago. I hadn’t talked to him since then. Whenever I got Jaden’s iPad, I would send him text messages that he wouldn’t answer, and when Nandi and I went to dance practice after school, I would always sneak her phone to call him, and those calls went ignored too. He made it so obvious that he didn’t want anything to do with me.

  “Journey, are you serious? He slapped you in your face! It could have been worse if that man didn’t come to stop him! What could you possibly have to say to him? Wait, are you seriously thinking about keeping this baby? I hate to sound so old school, but like my mom would say when she saw teenagers pregnant, you are a baby yourself! You’re thirteen years old, Journey! You won’t know the first thing there is to know about being a mother. Just tell your mom. I don’t see why you have to tell him,” she said, and now it was my turn to look at her like she was crazy as I rolled my eyes.

  “Because he is the father, Nandi! Even if I do decide to get an abortion, he deserves to know! Now, can I use your phone or not?” I asked her.

  She looked at me long and hard, but eventually, she went into her back pocket and passed me her iPhone. I knew his number by heart, so I quickly keyed it in. Seconds later, the phone began to ring. The call rang all the way through the first time, and then it went to his voicemail. I was eager to talk to him, so I ended up calling again. This time, the phone picked up and my heart dropped because I was so afraid of talking to him.

  “Yo!” his deep voice answered.

  I could hear a baby crying in the background, which let me know that he had to have been around his daughter.

  “Raheem, it’s Journey. I need to talk to you about something very important. Do you think that you can come meet me by my school when I get out, so we can talk?” I asked because it wasn’t the first time that we’ve done this. On days when I had practice, I would walk across the street to his car, get in with him for a few minutes just to have a quick make-out session and for us to see each other, and then he would be on his way. That’s what our relationship consisted of; sneaking around. Him, hoping not to get caught dealing with me, and me hoping not to get caught by anyone in my family, but especially my mother.

  “On some real shit, I really don’t know why the fuck you keep calling and texting me, shorty! You haven’t gotten the hint yet? I’m good on your ass, yo! I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, fuckin’ around with your young ass in the first place! I can’t trust you, man. Yo
u were supposed to have been my bitch, yet you going around kissing on them little niggas from your school. What happened the other night between you and me was supposed to happen for me to finally get some common sense and realize that I’m playing around with fire, fuckin’ your little young ass. At the end of the day, we both got what we were looking for out of this. I got some new, fresh, young pussy, and you got an older nigga to dick you down and spend a couple of dollars on you. Don’t call me no more after this, shorty. I mean that shit,” he said.

  I could hear him getting ready to hang up the phone, so I went ahead and just blurted it out…

  “Wait! Raheem, I’m pregnant” I said, with my voice cracking and the tears still fresh on my face from the hurtful things that he’d just said to me. Hearing him confess to just wanting me for sex hurt far worse than the slap that he delivered to my face weeks ago.

  “That ain’t got shit to do with me! I have one child and one child only, and that’s the one that you hear crying! If you think that baby is mine, I suggest you kill it before I pull up and find you. I’ll kill you and it! Damn, yo! What the fuck!” I heard him yell, followed by something breaking that sounded like glass. “Fuck is you trying to do? Ruin a nigga whole fuckin’ life? Them boys find out that I got your stupid ass pregnant, they taking my ass to jail! Or even worse, they going to put me on a fuckin registry and I’ll be living up under a fuckin’ bridge somewhere. Man, look, I’ll give you the money for the abortion! I’ll have one of my female cousins take you to get it done, but you can’t tell your people about this shit,” he said, and I could hear the fear in his voice.