Love Me

by Diamond Johnson

  It was too late to stop fuckin’ her because, for the first time in my life, I actually loved a female aside from my ole girl. Journey was mature as fuck for her age like I said, and I liked the little vibe that she had about her, so I couldn’t cut her off, although I’d tried plenty of times. Her people had money, so yes, that jail time scared the fuck out of me when I started thinking about what would happen to me if the law ever found out that I was fuckin’ her young ass. There was no doubt in my mind that her people would hire the best lawyer and make sure that they buried my black ass under the jail. Even me knowing the consequences of my actions, I still was playing Russian Roulette with my life by keeping Journey around.

  She and I hadn’t talked to each other since she called me that day and told me that she was pregnant. Yes, the things that I said to her was pretty fucked up, but I was only trying to say shit that was so fucked up that it got her to hate me, so she could get the abortion. Contrary to what I told her and to what she probably believes, I really did love Journey. At the same time, I barely took care of the one child I had, so I wasn’t trying to bring another baby in this world, only to go out like a deadbeat again.

  Plus, Journey wasn’t like me. That girl was smart as hell, and having a baby right now so young wouldn’t do anything but fuck up her future, and I didn’t want that shit for her. Truth be told, I really don’t even know if she got the abortion or not. I hadn’t seen her since the day we talked on the phone, and she was coming to the projects with her ole girl. I’d been trying to text the number that she usually calls me from, or even call her best friend from school, but still, I got nothing.

  “Raheem! You can get her! Shit, I was up with her all last night!” Pinky shouted back at me as she stood up from the couch and went into the back room.

  She’d been staying with me and my ole girl for the past couple of weeks. Her dumb ass ended up getting evicted from the apartment she had, and her mom wouldn’t let her move back in, so my ole girl said that it would be okay if she stayed for a few months. I was just ready for her to get her ass out.

  I grabbed the remote and quickly turned the television off. Then I grabbed my daughter up and bounced her around in my arms while I wiped away at her face, and she instantly stopped crying. We’d been in the house all day, so maybe her little ass needed some fresh air or something. I quickly slipped on my Nike slides that were by the front door, and I headed outside.

  It was a little bit after 5:00 P.M., so of course, the projects were on smash. I took the steps down to the lower level, dapping up a few people that I knew from around the way, and I took the gate out until it led me to the playground. My daughter loved the little swings that they had out there, so when I saw that it was available, I walked the two of us over there.

  There were a lot of kids outside today, but two kids who were back and forth from the slides to the monkey bars is what had my attention. If they were out there, then I knew that Journey wasn’t too far behind. I scanned the small playground area for her, and that’s when I saw her sitting down on a bench with a book in her lap that she was reading. I instantly noticed the change in her uniform. Usually, her school uniform colors were navy blue, gray, and white. This time, she was wearing red, navy blue, and white.

  Seeing her didn’t do shit but further remind me of how much I missed her. I didn’t want to seem thirsty for her or no shit like that, so I pushed my daughter back and forth on the swing a few times, and then I finally took her out and made my way toward Journey. She finally looked up, and when she saw that it was me, she sucked her teeth loudly and finished reading whatever she was reading along with highlighting a few things.

  “What’s up?” was the first thing that I asked her.

  Hell, I didn’t know what else to say. I probably should have let an apology be the first thing I said, but I wasn’t big on those. I didn’t grow up saying I’m sorry. Growing up, it used to be my ole girl, myself, and my father. My father played a big role in my life until he was murdered when I was ten years old. Let my ole girl tell it, my father was nothing but a monster, but to me, he was who I aspired to be.

  My ole girl often referred to my father as a monster because of the way that he would beat her ass on a daily basis. I would never have the balls to tell her this shit, but he couldn’t have been that much of a monster for her ass to have stayed with him for so many years. I just remember him always doing what he had to do to make sure that I was taken care of. I always had the latest shoes, he kept my apparel up to par, and just anything that I ever asked for, he would always provide. We’d always lived in the projects, but when he died, it forced my ole girl to take on the load of raising me on her own. Of course, we had a little struggle here and there, but never to the extreme where we were sleeping under a bridge or something like that.

  Although my father was no longer here, my ole girl let me know every chance she got, that I reminded her so much of him. When she said it, she wasn’t saying it as a compliment either. She was referring to my disrespect for women, her hearing in the streets how I’ve had to slap a few bitches down here and there, and just my whole attitude in general. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I was a woman beater, but if the opportunity presented itself, then hell yeah, I would slap a bitch down.

  “My little brother and sister are somewhere running around this park, and the last thing that I would want either of them to see is me conversing with you. Plus, my mom, auntie, and my grandma are upstairs in the apartment. You don’t have to make it a habit of speaking to me,” she let me know, with her head still in the book, not even bothering to look up and acknowledge me.

  She had to have really been through with a nigga because this was the first time that she’d ever talked to me like this.

  “On some real shit, Journey, I’m sorry. It took a lot out of me for me to even be able to apologize to you, but I really am sorry. You weren’t just pussy to me. I actually loved you. Hell, I still love your ass. I just knew that what you and I were doing was wrong, so I was saying hateful shit to you in an attempt to get you to hate me, so we could finally walk away from this shit for good. The past couple of months without seeing you, hearing your voice, or even being able to touch you, has been fuckin’ with my head heavy. I want shit to get back how they used to be between us.

  Yes, we’ll have to sneak around and shit like that, but it’s better than not seeing each other period. As fucked up as it may sound, you know that getting an abortion was the better choice. You know damn well you hate kids. You tell me all the time how much your sister and brother get on your nerves. For real, bae, I’m sorry,” I let her know then put my hand on the bottom of her chin to get her to look up at me.

  She glared back at me with those big ass hazel eyes, and I swear I was getting lost in her shits. I could also tell that I was winning her over with my words. Her face wasn’t as tough and hardcore as it was when I walked over there. In fact, it had managed to go back to that innocent look that she always had.

  “What about hitting me? You haven’t apologized for that yet,” she said.

  On some real shit, I’d do that again if need be. She was my girl, yet I had to hear that she was at school kissing on other niggas. Because I was desperate to get back into her good graces, I released a sigh and apologized for hitting her a while back, even though I really wasn’t sorry for that shit.

  A small smile formed on her face, and I quickly dropped her chin. I reached inside the black gym shorts that I was wearing, and I handed her one of the burner phones that I had. I knew how her ole girl could be when it came to her phone, so this would have to work until she finally got her shit back.

  “I’m going to text that phone tonight. You alright? You need anything?” I asked her, and she shook her head no.

  I was glad she said that she didn’t need anything because money was kind of tight on my end. I spent the little money that I did have last night on my daughter, getting her some more formula and pampers. It’s cool though because when those street light
s come on tonight, I would be posted up, hoping that I could re-up on some money. I wasn’t happy with the way that I was living, but at the same time, I couldn’t just sit on my ass and not do shit.

  I was a high school dropout, nineteen years old, still living with my ole girl, had a daughter that I could barely afford, plus I had a criminal record. I was arrested for shit like driving with a suspended license, shoplifting, or for having drugs on me, so you should already know that motha fuckas weren’t trying to hire me.

  At times, I felt like hustling in the projects was going to be the only job that I would ever have, and that right there made a nigga angry at times. When I disrespected my ole girl and my baby mama along with other bitches that I was fuckin’ with, it wasn’t because I hated them. If anything, I hated myself. I hated the situation that I was in, so often times, I just took the shit out on them.

  “I did get the abortion, Raheem,” she let me know, and I nodded.

  Lord knows that I wanted to break down with the holy ghost dance, but I didn’t do that. I was barely back in her good graces, so I wasn’t trying to fuck it up with her already.

  “You know it was for the best, Journey. I love you. Remember that shit,” I let her know.

  “I love you too,” she quickly let me know.

  When I saw her little brother and sister heading our way, I got the fuck out of dodge. Here I was again, playing with fire when it came to fuckin around with this little ass girl, but I just couldn’t shake her ass for whatever reason. For four more years, we would probably have to keep our shit a secret because that’s when she’d turn eighteen, but four years just didn’t seem that long. Either that, or I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t that long.

  14

  Za’Kai “Bully” Kemp

  “Look at this old ass nigga right here,” I joked, standing up from the cold, stainless steel chair that I was sitting on in the visitation room.

  It was Saturday morning, and I was visiting my ole boy. Usually, he and I just talked with each other over the phone, or I would send him letters, but it was rare that I came down to visit him. For starters, the man was so anal when it came to visitation that he really didn’t want me coming to see him. Before I had children of my own, I could never understand his logic. Once I became a father, I could agree.

  If I were doing the amount of time that he was, then I wouldn’t want my children coming down to see me in there either. If anything, you’ll just feel as if you failed as a parent. I hated this situation that my parents were in, but I knew that it wasn’t shit that I could do. He walked over to me, showing damn near all the teeth in his mouth as he swaggered in a way that only he could. My father used to be a big man, like myself. We just naturally looked like we could use our bare hands to pick up cars and shit. We had this certain physique about us that made people question if we were a quarterback on someone’s football team.

  The thing is, as he walked toward me, I was the only one looking like a damn quarterback. He looked weak, although he tried to cover it up with the smile on his face and his cocky walk. Hell, this was even my first time seeing him without an inch of hair on his head. The last time I saw him for visitation was probably a year ago. His weight was up then, and he rocked a short, mini afro. Now, he looked like he was in this bitch starving himself, and his eyes looked sunken in a little bit as if he wasn’t getting a lick of sleep.

  “Old where? Bring me any bitch that you out here fuckin’, and I bet you I can still snag them,” he said once he neared me and pulled me into a quick, fatherly hug.

  I laughed at the comment he made, happy that his ability to talk shit hadn’t left. Hugging him, I swear I could feel this man’s bones. Something just wasn’t right, and I wondered if that was the reason why he’d called me in the middle of the week, telling me to come down and see him. After we finished embracing, we both took a seat at the circular table, and I could feel a little disconnect between the two of us.

  While I stared him straight in his eyes, his eyes were everywhere but on me. It’s like he was nervous about something. Anyone who knew my father knew that he had to have been the cockiest man on Earth, so being nervous wasn’t a trait that he’d ever exposed.

  “What’s going on, Pops? Some shit just seems off with you. You lost hella weight, and what’s up with the bald head?” I asked him.

  The smile that he’d had on his face just a few minutes ago when he’d walked out to see me was quickly left his face. A more serious look came into view as he suddenly stopped looking at the walls behind me and finally looked me in my eyes.

  “I felt like I could keep this a little secret for as long as possible, but this shit is pretty much killing me as the days go by,” he said, and then he released a sigh. “They diagnosed me last year with advanced prostate cancer. I didn’t make it a big deal because they quickly started giving me the treatments and because I wasn’t trying to scare you with it, so that’s why I didn’t tell you. These past few months, the cancer has progressed, so I figured I’d let you know that—”

  “Let me know what? Fuck do you have to let me know?” I barked.

  I was so loud that the majority of everyone in the visitation room had turned around to look at us. It was one thing to lose my parents to the system, but it was another thing to lose my ole boy to some fuckin’ cancer. At least with him being locked up, I could still talk on the phone with him, send him letters, or even come down for visitation whenever he allowed me to, but for him to just all around check out on me, nah, that was some shit that I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t think that I would ever be ready for some shit like that.

  “Bully, this shit is hard on me too, son! How you think I feel? The system took me and your mama away from you when you were only two years old! Our actions denied you the chance of having a real childhood, where you got to experience having two parents in the house. It doesn’t make me feel good inside knowing that your grandma had to raise you. Now, years later, here I am, telling you some shit like this. I keep failing you, man. I wanted to be selfish with this shit. I wanted to let this sickness just take over my body, and when God was ready, He’d allowed me to rest. But I failed you for thirty-three years, so it was only right that I came out of my mouth and let you know in person,” he said.

  When he finished speaking, a lone tear fell from his eyes, and it hit me that this was my first time in my entire life seeing this man cry. On some real shit, I just assumed he didn’t have any tear ducts because I never even saw his eyes get watery before.

  “Does Ma know?” I asked him, and he shook his head.

  I shook my head as well because I thought about the many ways that this would break her hurt when she found out about him having cancer. The thing is, even with the two of them getting well over fifty years in prison, my ole girl still loved this man down to his fuckin’ dirty drawers. I had just seen her in visitation not too long ago, and she was talking about how the two of them were going to renew their vows once they were released, and now look. That shit wasn’t going to ever happen.

  “How much longer they saying you got?” I asked him.

  I could tell it was a question that he didn’t too much care to answer by the way he released a sigh and started looking off again. My father was a lot like me. We tend to steer away from the truth, especially when we feel like it’s some information that could possibly break someone’s spirit.

  “They saying that I don’t even have a year,” he finally said.

  As hard as I wanted to be about this situation, I couldn’t. The tears that I was trying so hard to keep at bay eventually slipped from my face. I was angry, hurt, and just confused. Here I am, thinking that I was coming down to the prison today just to kick it with him, but I was given some bullshit ass news about him having cancer, and to top it off, they didn’t even give this man a year left of survival. In my thirty-five years of being on this Earth, I swear to God I’ll never understand the way life worked. Didn’t God know that I had already suffered enough? How mu
ch more was He going to take from me until it was nothing else to take?

  I lost my parents at a time in my life when I was too young to even remember the times we had together when they were free. When Mother’s Day and Father’s Day came around in school, I would always have to send my cards off in the mail for them to receive it, while most kids had the luxury of going home and giving their parents their shit in their hands. Although both of my parents still had twenty years left to serve in prison, I was actually looking forward to that shit.

  “Don’t cry over this shit, son. I know it hurts like a motha fucka, but I can’t help but feel as if this is my karma for all the bad shit that I did when I was in the streets. I took so many lives, served so many drugs to people, that’s probably still hooked to this day, and I brought your mama into this shit with me. If I cry, it’s not because of this cancer. It’s because I’m getting ready to check out on you before I got the chance to see you outside of these walls,” he let me know.

  All I could do was nod my head because I no longer felt like talking. My heart was too heavy to sit there and talk about shit. I knew it was a fucked up thing to say, but I regretted even coming down there. Was I wrong for wishing that a part of him would have just been selfish and not told me this shit? Damn, I just felt like some shit was better left unsaid.

  15

  Journey Evans

  “Alright, Jada and Jaden, give me those iPads. Shrimp said that she normally takes them from you at 9:00, but because it’s the weekend, I thought I’d give the two of you an extra thirty minutes,” my grandma said, coming into the bedroom that me and my little brother and sister shared whenever we spent the night.

  I would say that I would much rather go home, but these days, I just didn’t know what home was. The townhouse that my mom had us living in just didn’t feel like home. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice and luxurious, but it just felt like something that you vacation at until you go back home. Then, the big mansion that had been our home for the past few years or so didn’t feel like home either without my mom in it. My mom didn’t express her dealings between her and my father to me, so I really didn’t know what was going on. Hell, I really didn’t even know what happened between the two of them that was so bad that it had her walking around without her ring and moving out of the house.