First Soul

by Keeley Smith

  The constant painful twinges from his calves told him they’d been walking for far too long. The terrain wasn’t exactly perfect for walking, it was rocky, dusty and dark which meant they stumbled over everything. Deyna had a lovely gash in one of her knees thanks to a lone rock that had tripped her, she’d fallen with a hard thump. His shoulder was starting to twinge with each laboured breath.

  They walked on into the darkness unaware of where they were going but what else was new? He’d stopped looking at the map a long time ago, although the image was still in his head, he relied on Lester who knew where they were going and that was all that mattered. His feet throbbed; each step making it feel like every small bone in his foot was bruised. He’d simply accepted their situation for what it was.

  A very bad one.

  Now, however, with a few hours of silence and walking into the great unknown, his mind had been working over time. Wasn’t that usually the case when you had time on your hands and your own thoughts to keep you company? Phillip and Deyna were also quiet so he hadn’t made the effort to talk. It was actually a real effort to form words when exhaustion rendered your tongue numb.

  No matter where his thoughts took him, they always circled back to food. Food was scarce in this place and didn’t his stomach know it. It growled continuously at him. Where would they sleep if this trek didn’t reveal anything further? Had they walked for a whole day without making any progress? He seriously didn’t know because everything looked the same. How were they ever going to get out of here?

  In his opinion, it felt like Lester was leading them further in to this dark hell, he didn’t know why he knew this, he just sensed it. The deeper they journeyed, the more he felt responsible for his friends, he had never been able to handle pressure, this was his time to show he could. If he was going to die in this place and after everything they had faced, he felt like it was a highly likely, he didn’t want to leave with these regrets. He couldn’t leave knowing he hadn’t fixed things. He looked at his two friends walking together in silence, lost in their own personal hell.

  Sighing, he felt an ache fire up in his heart and chest. Why did the regrets always come knocking on the door when you felt like death was waiting around the corner for you?

  “Pip, can I have a word?”

  Phillip turned with a quizzical look on his face. Stephen felt his pulse pick up pace. He wanted to do this but that didn’t mean that he could find the right words. He’d never been good at expressing his feelings.

  “What’s up?” Phillip asked as he strolled beside him, his hands in his pockets like they were out on a causal walk in a dark, dusty park.

  Deyna now walked beside Lester up in front. She cast him one quick look and looked to Lester, they appeared to strike up a conversation. He knew that Lester was keeping her occupied; the ghost knew what he was doing.

  “I just wanted to say...” Stephen coughed finding that the words he wanted to say were suddenly lodged in his throat.

  After a moment of silence, Phillip shrugged. “I get it.”

  “No, you don’t,” he sighed and pushed his hand through his hair. He swallowed and looked at his best friend.

  “Pip, we’ve been friends since we could walk, we’ve spent every day together... this is starting to sound like I’m breaking up with you...”

  Phillip snorted and raised his eyebrow.

  “Okay, I’m not good with words, you know that... I’ve grown up with you and I can’t remember a day going by without seeing your ugly mug,” Stephen smiled.

  “Oh jeez, thanks, and there I was thinking you were getting all sloppy on me.” Phillip playfully punched his arm.

  “Yeah,” he smiled and then coughed to clear his throat. “Seriously though, you’re my best friend but I feel like I’ve neglected our friendship. These past few years have flown by in a little bit of a blur, and to be quite honest I’m surprised you’ve stuck around. I’ve shouted at you, Christ, I even hit you in the cemetery. I don’t think I could go any lower than that.”

  Phillip was shaking his head. “You haven’t neglected it, Ste, our friendship has always been there and that wouldn’t change. Yeah, you hit me in the cemetery but I also hit you and if you are anything like the Ste I know then you are not going to sit there and take a punch without giving one back. I’d expect it.

  “But you have changed, Ste, I can’t deny that, that day, when we stood as young boys something snapped inside you, when your mum died, you changed.”

  Stephen felt like an iron fist had slogged him in the gut. His breath painfully wheezed in and out of his lungs. They’d never really discussed this before now, it hadn’t been the easiest of topics to bring up and he’d been too young to go into it then. The time just never felt right before, now, after facing what they had, now was a good time to discuss it, before it was too late.

  “I get that, Ste, I do because she was my mum too and I can only imagine how you cope every day with your pain. I love my mum and the thought of losing her hurts so much I couldn’t put it into words.

  “I remember when I fell over, I must have been maybe six years old,” Phillip smiled, lost in the memory, “I cried so hard at this little scratch on my knee but your mum made such a big deal of me, she never made me feel little or not good enough. That is my last memory of her helping me, like she always did.”

  The tears started to build back up as a painful ball suddenly grew in his throat and stuck there making it hard to swallow. He realised he’d never cried in front of Phillip. He’d always sucked it back choosing instead to show anger. He hadn’t shed one tear at his mother’s funeral. His father hadn’t allowed it.

  “It hurts every damn day,” he said wiping the tears away. “I miss her so much, Pip. Since losing her I’ve felt like some part of me doesn’t exist anymore, she took it with her. If it wasn’t for you and Deyna I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I don’t even like the person I am.”

  Phillip squeezed his arm. “You didn’t cry, Ste, I watched you... I waited for the break and it never came. You can’t hold it inside you like you’re doing.”

  “I couldn’t cry...” Stephen bowed his head feeling yet more tears trickle over his cheeks.

  “You can, it’s completely normal and besides you’re not a robot.”

  “No, Pip, I couldn’t cry because he’d told me not to.”

  Stephen wiped the tears on his sleeve and watched as the anger spread across Phillip’s face. Stephen didn’t need to explain who had told him. He already knew. Phillip would know.

  “He had no right! You were a boy grieving for his mother.”

  Phillip’s angry words must have drifted to Deyna and Lester as both of them turned to see what was happening.

  “I watch him drinking himself into an early grave and you know what the worst thing is?” he asked, Phillip remained silent as he walked next to him, although he could see the way his fists were bunched angrily.

  “I don’t blame him. It’s so much easier to lose yourself rather than think about her not being here, because a world without her isn’t worth living. She was such a great mum and he gets to leave this world every day. He has distanced himself with drink and I’ve done it through my behaviour. I’m surprised your mum hasn’t warned you off me,” he smiled tightly.

  “Oh, she has! I’ve been grounded more times for sneaking out.”

  Stephen felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude. “You shouldn’t have. I’ve not been much of a friend and I’m sorry for that, but things just don’t make sense anymore...”

  “It’s tough, Ste. You’ve had it tough and I can understand why you’ve acted the way you have, it’s easier to act out than to face things. Do you think your mum would have wanted this for you? I can answer that, she wouldn’t.

  “I have to admit I’ve seen more of the old Stephen since we got down here and I like seeing the real you again, the one that cares. Your dad, well I can’t think of anything nice to say about hi
m but let’s just say he uses oxygen that another person deserves more...I know he beats you,” Phillip whispered.

  “He’s drunk... he doesn’t know what he is doing.” Stephen shrugged, already making up excuses.

  Old habits die hard.

  “That doesn’t excuse it. You’re his son for crying out loud!” Phillip shouted.

  Deyna and Lester turned again. Stephen shook his head at the question on Lester’s face. Did he need help? He thought they were fighting when in fact they were clearing the air, finally. He watched as they continued to walk up ahead of them leaving them to finish what they’d started.

  “It doesn’t excuse what he does, I know. Being trapped in this place has got me thinking, I’ve tried so hard not to be like him. I don’t like him, in fact I hate him but I am him, in so many ways, and I never really fully realised it until today.

  “I’m scared, Pip. I’m scared I’m going to end up like him, alone in that house whilst drinking myself to death without anyone who cares about me. I can’t be like him.”

  “You’re not like him,” Phillip whispered. “Do you think your father would have taken charge like you have through this entire thing? Do you think he would have saved my life like you did? You are not him.”

  “I let you go...” Stephen whispered.

  “And for bloody good reason! I trust you, I always have and I always will. If we die down here, I want you to know you are my best friend and I wouldn’t change it. We have too many great memories to just throw away our friendship. We’ve done some pretty great things together, do you remember the tractor?” Phillip said laughing.

  “God, how could I forget,” he said grinning.

  The three of them, as well as some other friends, had been playing in a field. The summer weeks were dragging slowly by and being surrounded by fields was too much of a temptation. They had jumped around on the bales of hay making homes out of them not realising at such a young age how important the hay was. The farmer had cursed at them whilst driving his British Racing green tractor from a distance, but there wasn’t a thing he could do, tractors were renowned for their slowness.

  They’d laughed, believing they were safe, that was until the farmer had brought out the faster tractor and had gunned for them. They’d run so fast he was sure he would die of a heart attack. Being chased by a tractor had been one of the most terrifying experiences of his life.

  Now this experience trumped that.

  The farmer also had a gun, one that was, in his opinion, more lethal than a real gun. His gun fired straw, let’s just say you knew about it when you were hit, the sweet sting and the red bumps stayed with you for weeks.

  Despite the absolute crushing fear of feeling that straw fire at him, it had been one of the best days of his life.

  Stephen chuckled. “I blame most of the terrible things on you.”

  “Hahaha, you would.”

  They stopped walking and looked at each other. They’d only hugged once since becoming friends at the age of 2. They’d hugged as two young boys looking down upon their mother’s final resting place. They hugged now, fiercely, with a lot of back slapping and coughing to cover the fresh bout of tears.

  “Thanks,” Stephen whispered.

  “Don’t mention it. When we get home we are going to change your life.” Phillip smacked him on the shoulder which made him wince.

  “Oh sorry,” he said sheepishly.

  Stephen rubbed his shoulder and grinned. “No worries.”

  “Does it still hurt?”

  “If talons speared your shoulder, would it hurt you?”

  “Yeah,” Phillip laughed.

  “Well, it hurts.”

  “Are we good?” Phillip asked.

  “Yeah, we’re good.”

  He believed that. He knew he was already turning an important corner in his life.

  They stopped in their tracks as they rounded yet another corner in this place. Deyna gasped, pointing uselessly at the thing they could all see. Stood in front of them was a house. It was a rather large house that was illuminated from the soft glow of lights that were positioned in what looked like a small garden.

  Why was a house in this place?

  Actually scrap that question, who would live here? It was depressing and cold, no one in their right mind would live here. Alarm bells should have sounded in his head already.

  “Oh my god!! We can get out of here. We’ve been saved!” Deyna squealed and grabbed Phillip’s hand as they ran down towards the house.

  “Stephen.” Lester suddenly blocked his path. “This house is not what you think. You must tread very carefully!”

  With Lester’s serious expression and his words, the alarm bells were shrieking.

  Whose house was this?

  He already knew the answer but he really hoped he was wrong.

  j

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE