ACCIDENTAL UNICORN, THE

by Cassidy, Dakota

  Oliver’s head reared upward at the sudden silence as he looked to the entryway of her pantry—but Vinnie wasn’t there. “What the hell?”

  Nina was in the kitchen in a flash with Marty right behind her, pulling the pantry door open all the way. “Vinnie? Kiddo? What the fuck?” she yelped.

  Darnell stomped through the living room and into the kitchen, sniffing the air as the dogs began to run in circles and the cat howled mournfully.

  He moved his big body with quick grace as he surveyed Vinnie’s kitchen. “Demon, Miss Nina,” he murmured. “You smell him, too?”

  “He? You can tell it’s a male demon by his smell?” Oliver fought not to screech the question as panic began to rise in his gut.

  Whoever this was. They’d virtually snatched Vinnie up out of thin air.

  Out of thin air.

  Nina drove her clenched fists inside the pocket of her hoodie. “Which fuck is it, Darnell? What am I dealing with here?”

  Darnell’s face went dark, but he looked her directly in the eye. “The one who likes scarin’ folks when he shifts…”

  Nina’s face went hard, her teeth clenching. “Jesus and fuck. Do you mean that bastard who shifts into that pus-dripping, red-faced fucking loon?”

  Darnell bounced his head, totally avoiding eye contact with Oliver.

  Nina’s mouth fell open but her nostrils flared and her eyes went hard. “Motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker!” she bellowed, clenching her fists. “Darnell? Can you smell where the fuck he went?”

  Darnell ran his palm over his shortly cropped hair and grimaced. “I can. But it ain’t pretty, Nina. You know what it’s like there.”

  There? What did that mean? His stomach rolled in fear and his heart raced. “Where the hell is there?” Oliver yelled in frustration.

  All this paranormal lingo, this quiet understanding amongst them, was beginning to feel isolating. They instinctively knew what they meant, while he was still stuck back on being able to smell the difference between a male and female demon.

  But no one was listening to him. Most especially Nina, who didn’t even acknowledge his questions with so much as a blink of her eye. “I don’t give a shit, Darnell. He’s got a defenseless kid who has no paranormal power to speak of and he knows it. Take my ass to wherever this fucking demon is. I’ll kill the sonofabitch!”

  Oliver was across the room in two seconds flat, latching onto Nina’s hand. “Take you to wherever the demon is? Am I hearing that right?”

  “Yes, Oliver, and we have to move fast! God only knows what’s happening,” Marty said with measured words, but he heard the tone of her voice. There was fear in it.

  “Then let’s go!” he said, knowing his tone was panicked. But he didn’t care. Jesus Christ, a demon had Vinnie.

  A demon.

  Jesus Christ!

  Nina gripped his shoulders, her fingers digging into the flesh right through his Bills sweatshirt, and looked up into his eyes. “You can’t go, Sparkle Tits.”

  “Why?” he rasped, his tone urgent to his ears.

  “Why do you think a demon, out of fucking nowhere, took Vinnie, of all people? Because they can smell that you like her, Ollie—that she’s connected to you, but she’s weaker than they are. They took her ass because what they really want is you. She’s just bait.”

  His mind raced and his pulse fired up. “But how do they even know about her? How do they know I like her, Nina? This is insane!”

  “Remember when I told you that fuck Ezekiel was a bad dude? He found out about you somehow, didn’t he? I told you we couldn’t let him go because we couldn’t trust he wouldn’t tell other people you frickin’ exist. How do we know he didn’t tell them long before he ever got to you, and that’s why the demon took Vinnie?” She shook her head, her silky hair splaying over her shoulders. “For fuck’s sake, dude. It doesn’t matter. A fucking cocksucking demon has her. We’d be playing right into its hands if you came. Now listen, I know you like her, but this is no time to play GD hero. You hear me? Stay put. Darnell and I will go. You stay with Marty. Understand me?”

  “You need to hurry! Go!” Marty yelled at them. “I’ll stay with Oliver.”

  Darnell grabbed Nina’s hand and raised his fingers in the air as though he were going to snap them together. Somehow, it dawned on him that Darnell was going to zap them somewhere by clicking his fingers.

  By holding on to Nina’s hand, she’d be transported, too.

  So the moment Darnell rubbed his fingers together was the moment Oliver foolishly, stupidly, grabbed on to Nina’s hoodie and held on for dear life.

  Which turned out to be a good thing.

  Because when you land in hell, you want something to cushion your fall.

  Chapter 15

  Vinnie swallowed hard as the man—a man who was quite handsome, if she did say so herself—breathed into her face in a place she neither understood, nor would her brain allow her to process.

  Flames sputtered and spat all along the walls and ceiling of the room they occupied. Even though the floor felt hard beneath her backside, it looked as if it rolled and receded in its fluid, gooey red motion, with puffs of intermittent smoke.

  “So now we wait, right, Vinnie?” the man who’d snatched her right from her kitchen hissed, the air coming from his lips hot and dry on her cheeks. “But you’re a lovely way to pass the time, kitten. You’re so pretty. Are your insides as pretty? I bet your liver would be delicious with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” Then he slithered his tongue in and out of his mouth like a snake

  Had he just done an eerily accurate imitation of Hannibal Lecter?

  A shiver of dread scurried up her spine and terror settled in her belly.

  As her head tried to wrap around her surroundings—her hot, hellish, flamey surroundings—Vinnie attempted to make herself small and force words from her mouth.

  “Wait? I don’t understand. What are we waiting… Wait for…for what?”

  He trailed a finger down the side of her face, his beautiful green eyes scanning hers in a slow perusal of her features—until he suddenly wrapped a curl of her hair around his finger and yanked, and he didn’t let go, not even when tears came to her eyes.

  “You know what I’m waiting for, Vinnie,” he crooned, letting her hair go and pushing her away. Then he laughed, showing his brilliant white teeth.

  She shook her head, fighting tears. Who was this and why was she here? “No! I don’t know what you’re waiting for.”

  He booped her nose with his finger and shook it at her in a wagging motion. “Dude, don’t play. I’m waiting for your unicorn. I mean, duuuh,” he said, à la Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont high.

  And then she understood. She was here as bait for Oliver, and if Nina and the rest didn’t know how to find her, she had no doubt she was going to die. If he’d been motivated enough to snatch her right from her kitchen in front of everyone, he meant business.

  As flames cracked and popped, as the embers from the fiery walls danced and flew into the air, Vinnie still feigned surprise as if someone were paying her to act, even as her body trembled and her heart raced.

  “My what? What are you talking about?” she squeaked, her flesh hot and clammy. “Why would I…I mean, me of all people, have a unicorn? I’m a nobody. And besides, isn’t their existence just a made-up story?”

  He giggled, his sculpted face splitting into a lopsided grin. “Is it? Then why do you have one, Vinnie?”

  She blinked and tried once more to convince him she didn’t know what he was talking about. “But I don’t. I swear on my day planner, I don’t.”

  “Your unicorn—your-or unicooorn!” he sang in a maliciously gleeful imitation of Wayne Newton’s “Danke Schoen.” “Vinnie has a unicorn!”

  Yep, that was Wayne Newton. Her biological father had loved him, and the few times she could remember spending with him, he always played his albums.

  Still, Vinnie shrank from the man, up against a wall, a hard, fiery-
hot wall, but he only leaned in closer until he was almost on top of her, his lithe movements uncannily like that of a big cat.

  He draped himself over her lap, putting his lean body tightly against hers, and stared at her like something out of a deranged nightmare.

  As she got a really close look at him—because let’s face it, he was but an inch from her face—she couldn’t get over how beautiful he was. From his clear skin, thick raven eyebrows, sharply angled cheeks and jaw, to his deep marble-like green eyes, his face was a literal masterpiece. Simply breathtaking.

  And nuts. Literally the definition of nuts. From his crazy voices to his wild facial expressions—he was certifiable.

  In that moment, while she cowered in fear, while whoever this was took her power, she hated herself. Hated her fears, hated her anxieties. Hated that she had no physical power to fight back with.

  What else did Vinnie Morretti hate? She hated that she lacked the chutzpah to tell him to fuck right off. Just the way Nina would were she in Vinnie’s predicament. If she was going to go out, was this the way she wanted to leave this Earth? Sniveling and whimpering?

  The only thing she had was her smarts. Handing out her SAT scores wasn’t likely to help with the kind of foe that could transport her to a place like this.

  Speaking of a place like this—she, of course, knew where she was, and it was everything she’d expected and more.

  Hot. Dry. Lots and lots of flames. It was hellish in Hell.

  But as he gazed at her, his eyes glassy and wildly dilated, Vinnie decided it was better to keep whoever this was talking while she tried to figure out how to get away from him.

  Summoning up some of the facts she’d tucked away about Hell, she inhaled deeply, looked him in the eye and asked with as much sincerity as possible, “Where are we?”

  He giggled like a coquettish schoolgirl, complete with coy glance and fluttering eyelashes. “Heeeell,” he answered on a long, dry exhale.

  She sighed forlornly despite the fact that he was inches from her face and his body was pressed so closely to hers, she felt every ridge of his abs against her belly.

  She made a mockery of rolling her eyes in exaggeration. “Well, I know that, silly. The flames climbing the walls were the first indication we weren’t in Kansas anymore. And if that didn’t do it for me, then the temperature in this room cinched the deal. What I meant was, what level of Hell?”

  “How do you know about Hell, little lady?” he asked in a peculiar, yet spot-on imitation of John Wayne.

  Straightening her spine, Vinnie tilted her head up and attempted to exude confidence. “I read about it, of course. I read a lot… Anyway, the seventh level. That’s where the demons that were created by Satan, versus a human turned into demon, live. Am I right?”

  He gave her an exaggerated bulge of his glassy green eyes. “Why, I do declare, Ouiser, we got us a smart girl here! I say, she’s a very smart girl!”

  It was then she realized the reason he mimicked voices from movies and music. By watching TV, he’d learned how to interact with people on the earthly plane. She’d read Jackie Chan had learned English that way.

  She’d also read a lot about Satan’s creations versus one-time humans who’d sold their souls for riches or whatever. Demons like this one were childlike, less cynical than a human turned demon who had been coerced into giving up his soul. They were definitely as frightening, but not nearly as bitter with regret.

  Regardless, his choice of interaction certainly was odd, but if using that angle stalled him long enough to amuse him, maybe help would arrive in the meantime.

  “That was Olympia Dukakis as Clairee from Steel Magnolias, right?”

  He winked at her and leaned back just enough to allow another inch between them. “Darn tootin’.”

  “Fargo!” she shouted with a pleased grin. Being socially awkward had lent to plenty of free time to watch lots of movies and TV. When she didn’t have her nose buried in a book, it and the rest of her face were in front of the television. Who knew rather than helping her win trivia games, it might help save her life.

  He clapped his hands together in obvious joy as he rose to tower over her. “You’re sooo good at this, but…”

  Her eyebrow shot upward. “But?”

  “E-noooough!” he screamed in her face with rage-filled eyes, gathering her up by the material of her shirt until her neck was forced to arch backward.

  Vinnie swallowed hard—so hard it was audible. Sweat beaded on her upper lip and her brow, but she let herself go limp in his grip, let her legs melt until he was forced to hold her up.

  “Please let me go,” she rasped, hating the utter terror in her voice, but her neck felt like it might snap and her head would explode if he didn’t let her up.

  “Yo, Adrian! I’m not lettin’ you go until your boyfriend shows up. Hear me? I’m goin’ fishin’ and you’re my bait. Got it?”

  As he spoke the infamous Sylvester Stallone words, he jammed his face in hers—and that was when Vinnie realized nightmares really do come true.

  His face morphed, an ability she knew existed, but had never personally witnessed and hoped never to witness again. His skin went deep red, pockmarked and dripping pus, his tongue slithered in and out of his mouth once more, only this time it was forked.

  Vinnie fought with everything she had not to scream, not to let the welling rise of hysteria consume her. She forced her eyes to stay open, to stare him down while he dripped pus and drooled saliva.

  “How do ya like me now, Vinnie?” he screeched down at her, making her teeth rattle.

  Then without warning, he changed back and smiled beautifully again, seconds before he dropped her to the hot floor by spreading his fingers and simply letting go.

  She clattered to the ground in a crumpled heap, which knocked the wind out of her, but he wasn’t done—not by a long shot.

  Scooping her up by the length of her long hair, he dragged her across the floor while she attempted to dig her heels into the ground.

  “No more fun and games for you, Vinnie! The party’s over!” he yelled, moments before her threw her against the wall.

  Okay, whether she had superhuman strength or not, that would have hurt. Her head slammed into the wall—which, for a wall of flames, was surprisingly hard. Her nose smashed up against it and her shoulder crumbled under the incredible force.

  She rolled over with a groan of pure agony, clenching her eyes shut, fighting the pain, only to force them open when she heard the heavy thump of feet.

  “You useless fucking shitstain!” a voice yelled—Nina’s voice, to be precise. “I’m going to deflate those raisins of yours and feed them to my goddamn neighbor’s dog if you lay one more finger on her! Hear me, Godfrey?”

  Nina was on him in a blur of limbs and hair, driving a single finger up under his chin to balance him then lifting him high.

  He looked down at the vampire, his legs dangling, his body visibly trembling. “Lemme go!” he cried in panic, kicking his sneakered feet. “You’re killin’ me, Smalls!”

  “I’ll kill you all right, you fucking jackoff!” Nina yelled up at him, flashing her fangs. “Who the fuck do you think you’re messing with, asswipe? Just who the fuck do you think you are, snatching my friend from her goddamn kitchen like you have some rights or some shit?”

  Godfrey’s expression took on an agonized look. He tore at Nina’s wrist with both hands, gazing down at her, his eyes filling with tears. “I need it. Pleeease, please, please, please, pleeeease. I need the unicorn! It’s my ticket to ride, vampire!”

  Oliver dropped out of nowhere—like, out of nowhere—right from the ceiling, crashing to the floor with Darnell right behind him.

  Godfrey caught sight of Oliver and his sparkling horn, and his face instantly changed from agony to ecstasy. Vinnie was sure it was because it dawned on him that unicorns truly did exist.

  Godfrey stopped struggling and yelled in excitement, “I knew it! I knew it! Give me my unicorn. Give me liberty or gi
ve me my unicorn!”

  His twisted version of the Patrick Henry quote would have made her laugh if it weren’t for the pain her shoulder was in.

  Oliver scurried to his feet with Darnell right behind him.

  “Vinnie!” Oliver called out, his voice ringing with panic as he knelt beside her and pulled her into his arms. He brushed the hair out of her face and looked down at her, his horn glowing, his eyes concerned. “Are you all right?”

  She didn’t think twice about what she did next. Under normal circumstances, she would have analyzed all outcomes with the thoroughness of an actuary.

  But not today. Right now, right this second, she was just grateful to see a familiar face. So grateful.

  Vinnie threw her good arm around Oliver’s neck and squeezed tight, clinging to him as he gathered her closer and pressed his lips to her forehead.

  “I’m okay. Are you okay?” she whispered, her voice trembling.

  “Is this…Hell?” Oliver asked in wonder, blinking his eyes.

  “Y’all get up now,” Darnell said, urging them to take his hands as he looked around. “C’mon. We gotta get you two outta here before anybody else shows up.”

  Nina dropped Godfrey to the floor and shoved him across the length of it with a hard kick before scooping him back up again and giving him a hard shake. She sneered at him, her eyes wild and on fire.

  She had hold of him so tight, her fist shook. “Who knows about this, freak? How did you find out about him? Tell me, or I’ll smear you from one end of Hell to the other!”

  “I say, I say, that’s for me to know and you to find out!” he jeered in Porky Pig’s voice, followed by a giggle.

  “Nina!” Darnell roared, putting a hand on her shoulder and squeezing. “Let him go. We hafta get outta here before somebody sees us. We don’t have time to question him. Drop him and hurry yo’self up now!”

  Just before she launched him across the room, Nina gave him one last warning with the point of her finger. “Look at her face, you weasel motherfucker! If I ever catch you anywhere near her or anyone I know, I’ll kill you, Godfrey. You hear me, Cuckoo Puffs? I’ll fucking kill you. Stay the fuck away, and tell all your little friends or whoever else knows about this to do the goddamn same!”