Jude the Obscure
Page 15
III
But under the various deterrent influences Jude's instinct was toapproach her timidly, and the next Sunday he went to the morningservice in the Cathedral church of Cardinal College to gain a furtherview of her, for he had found that she frequently attended there.
She did not come, and he awaited her in the afternoon, which wasfiner. He knew that if she came at all she would approach thebuilding along the eastern side of the great green quadrangle fromwhich it was accessible, and he stood in a corner while the bell wasgoing. A few minutes before the hour for service she appeared asone of the figures walking along under the college walls, and atsight of her he advanced up the side opposite, and followed her intothe building, more than ever glad that he had not as yet revealedhimself. To see her, and to be himself unseen and unknown, wasenough for him at present.
He lingered awhile in the vestibule, and the service was some wayadvanced when he was put into a seat. It was a louring, mournful,still afternoon, when a religion of some sort seems a necessity toordinary practical men, and not only a luxury of the emotionaland leisured classes. In the dim light and the baffling glare ofthe clerestory windows he could discern the opposite worshippersindistinctly only, but he saw that Sue was among them. He had notlong discovered the exact seat that she occupied when the chantingof the 119th Psalm in which the choir was engaged reached its secondpart, _In quo corriget_, the organ changing to a pathetic Gregoriantune as the singers gave forth:
Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way?
It was the very question that was engaging Jude's attention at thismoment. What a wicked worthless fellow he had been to give vent ashe had done to an animal passion for a woman, and allow it to leadto such disastrous consequences; then to think of putting an end tohimself; then to go recklessly and get drunk. The great waves ofpedal music tumbled round the choir, and, nursed on the supernaturalas he had been, it is not wonderful that he could hardly believe thatthe psalm was not specially set by some regardful Providence for thismoment of his first entry into the solemn building. And yet it wasthe ordinary psalm for the twenty-fourth evening of the month.
The girl for whom he was beginning to nourish an extraordinarytenderness was at this time ensphered by the same harmonies as thosewhich floated into his ears; and the thought was a delight to him.She was probably a frequenter of this place, and, steeped body andsoul in church sentiment as she must be by occupation and habit, had,no doubt, much in common with him. To an impressionable and lonelyyoung man the consciousness of having at last found anchorage forhis thoughts, which promised to supply both social and spiritualpossibilities, was like the dew of Hermon, and he remained throughoutthe service in a sustaining atmosphere of ecstasy.
Though he was loth to suspect it, some people might have said to himthat the atmosphere blew as distinctly from Cyprus as from Galilee.
Jude waited till she had left her seat and passed under the screenbefore he himself moved. She did not look towards him, and by thetime he reached the door she was half-way down the broad path.Being dressed up in his Sunday suit he was inclined to follow herand reveal himself. But he was not quite ready; and, alas, oughthe to do so with the kind of feeling that was awakening in him?
For though it had seemed to have an ecclesiastical basis during theservice, and he had persuaded himself that such was the case, hecould not altogether be blind to the real nature of the magnetism.She was such a stranger that the kinship was affectation, and hesaid, "It can't be! I, a man with a wife, must not know her!" StillSue WAS his own kin, and the fact of his having a wife, even thoughshe was not in evidence in this hemisphere, might be a help in onesense. It would put all thought of a tender wish on his part outof Sue's mind, and make her intercourse with him free and fearless.It was with some heartache that he saw how little he cared for thefreedom and fearlessness that would result in her from suchknowledge.