Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me
Page 19
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Monday, October 11, 2010, 4:02 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5141, taped 10-11-10
Hi everyone,
Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:
ROUNDTABLE
2:57: Welcome back. Let’s talk about fingering. When specifically used in a sexual context, we can’t go there. But a line like “This is as close as any girl is going to get to one of his fingers” is OK because that could mean a lot of things. In the lower 3rds, describing his new nail polish line as a “finger blast,” it could be argued that you’re talking about the bright color. (When “finger blast” is used in a sexual context, however, the phrase would have to be bleeped.) Well done. However, Chris’ line about “having Justin Bieber’s fingers in your daughter’s vagina” paints too explicit a picture. Please lose the line. Thanks.
2:58: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “That wouldn’t fucking help us.”
3:00: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit that goes down there.”
3:02: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Fuck you.”
3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit, you’re right.”
TRACE ADKINS
3:16: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “He’s a real fucking mess.”
3:19: Please completely bleep “cock” in “Instead of saying cock…”
Thanks
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Thursday, July 22, 2010, 4:17 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5100, taped 7-22-10
Hi everyone,
Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:
ROUNDTABLE
3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I’m too old for this shit.”
3:13: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “He should fuck Britney Spears.”
3:14: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “You should fucking end it.”
3:15: Please completely bleep “shit” in “beat the shit out of his fiancée.”
3:19: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “doubly fucked.”
3:20: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “go fuck herself.”
3:21: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “fucked somebody’s wife.”
ARSENIO HALL
3:29: With regard to our previous discussions with Ted about using “shuttlecock” as a euphemism for penis (“shuttlecock” alone is OK but, when “cock” is paired with a word like “suck” as in “suck my shuttlecock,” it’s not, because of the sexual context), please lose Arsenio’s “suck her Cochran” joke.
3:30: Please completely bleep “nigger” in “Put the nigger on the toilet.”
3:30: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I don’t give a shit.”
Thanks
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Tuesday, July 20, 2010, 4:21 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5098, taped 7-20-10
Hi everyone,
Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:
ROUNDTABLE (SHOW #5098)
3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in Brad’s “Aw shit.”
3:11: Please completely bleep “Jesus” in Ben’s “Aw Jesus!” (just as Chris comes on camera).
3:14: Please lose Jo’s retarded impersonation.
SUSAN SARANDON (SHOW #5098)
3:27: Please completely bleep “shit” in “We’ll ping-pong the shit out of Milwaukee.”
CHICKEN CHARLIE (SHOW #5103)
S&P approved.
Thanks
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Thursday, November 18, 2010, 5:15 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5165, taped 11-18-10
Hi everyone,
Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:
ROUNDTABLE
Overall note: A lot of penis and vagina talk for our post-Thanksgiving show. Can we dial some of this back, particularly the “eating pussy” discussion in Act 2? Thanks.
4:27: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Oh fuck.”
4:33: Please completely bleep “dick” in “Your Mom knows her way around a dick.”
4:35: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “And get some pussy.”
4:35: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “I want some of that pussy.”
4:36: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “oh, pussy!”
4:36: Please completely bleep the entire phrase “eating pussy.”
4:37: Please completely bleep “shit” in “You should hear the shit I say.”
DONALD SCHULTZ
4:42: Please completely bleep “fucker” in “You little fucker.”
4:44: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit.”
4:45: Please completely bleep “hole” in “Look at that asshole.”
Thanks
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Monday, November 15, 2010, 4:51 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5161, taped 11-15-10
Hi everyone,
Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:
ROUNDTABLE (SHOW #5161)
3:42: Please completely bleep the entire phrase “jerking off” in Natasha’s “You can’t stop jerking off to porn.”
3:45: No need for a fight on the “toilet babies” joke. It’s incredibly tasteless, but it doesn’t violate our standards. Besides, it’s pretty funny.
3:47: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “Girls like that like to get fucked.”
MONICA POTTER (SHOW #5161)
4:02: Please completely bleep “fucking” and “holes” in “Those fucking assholes.”
TREY SONGZ (SHOW #5162)
4:18: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit.”
4:21: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit can jump off.” (Chelsea)
4:21: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit can jump off.” (Trey)
Thanks
FROM: Tom O’Brien
SENT: Tuesday, July 21, 2009, 4:30 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #4093, taped 7-21-09
Hi everyone,
Here are the S&P notes for today’s taping:
ROUNDTABLE
3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “You guys hear a ton of shit.”
MARGARET CHO
The “fags and fag hags” exchange. The word “fags” by itself is not acceptable in any circumstance, and every use of the word will need to be bleeped. Once before, we have allowed the term “fag hag” in an episode in a context that’s very similar to the way Chelsea used it in today’s roundtable discussion of the gay penguins. We’re OK with that one use. But when Margaret repeatedly uses the term during the interview, it totally changes the tone of the program. We request that the term be bleeped throughout the interview or, ideally, the whole conversation be removed. Can we find another way to get into the “Project Runway” discussion?
The description of the porn star’s penis. The mention of his 9.2 inches is graphic but the quick mention is defendable. But Margaret crosses the line when she begins the detailed description and visuals of the volume of the penis and talks about her not being able to get it into her ass. It’s just too graphic. Please lose.
Here are the line-by-line notes for the sequence:
3:23: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I think I’m a fat piece of “shit.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fags” and “fag hags” in “fags and fag hags fighting.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fags” and “fag hags” in “fags and fag hags together—there are going to be fights.”
3:24: Please c
ompletely bleep “fag hag” in “Have you ever been a fag hag?”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “I am the biggest fag hag in the world.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “You are, you are a fag hag.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “I am such a fag hag.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” and “jerking off” in “I’m such a fag hag, now they’re jerking off to me.”
3:25: The 9.2 inch penis discussion. Please cut back per above.
3:25: Because it is used in a sexual context as a substitute for “penis,” please completely bleep “poppycock.”
3:26: We can get back into the interview around Chelsea’s “putting things in your mouth” line.
Thanks
FROM: Chelsea Lately Staff
SENT: Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 1:09 PM
TO: E! Entertainment Television
SUBJECT: For approval, closing joke 5107
I tried to Tweet this photo this weekend and Twitter turned it down. Fortunately I have another outlet here at the E! Network. Suck on this Twitter.
Since my publisher is also preventing me from printing the photo due to its content, I will give you a full description. The photo is of three elderly men naked in bed together. Two are lying next to each other and French kissing; one man’s hand is on the right breast of the recipient of the kiss, and the third gentleman is performing oral on the man who is getting his breast massaged while also getting a tongue in his mouth.
Obviously, this is what love is. Beautiful, natural, elderly love. The photo is called the Lemon Party. I highly recommend you Google it.
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 1:49 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: RE: For approval, closing joke 5107
Sorry, folks, but this photo isn’t even remotely suitable for air. Please find another closing joke.
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Monday, November 08, 2010, 2:26 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P Notes for CL: daily topics
Where to begin with Topic #2? And how do we keep this from going badly very quickly?
Since the topic is cunnilingus and the context is only sexual, all of our usual euphemisms (spicy tuna, dining at the Y, etc.) don’t work here and will have to be bleeped or removed.
Just as we have to bleep both “suck” and “dick” in any topic about fellatio, in any jokes that contain the phrase “eat my pussy,” both “eat” and “pussy” will have to be bleeped. This includes “eat my blank” (only indicates a sexual context) and the “Eat-vite” joke. (Again, there’s no food context, so it only means cunnilingus.)
The “smell my finger” joke in this sexual context paints too graphic a picture. Please lose the joke.
In the past, Chelsea has usually sensed when the jokes are getting too explicit and tries to steer it away. That would be the best course of action today as well.
Thanks
No. Thank you, Comcast Entertainment.
—Chelsea
Chapter Thirteen
Raise the Woof
CHUNK
Me taking a dump.
The extent to which Mom will lie has no limits. She lies to her friends, her coworkers, her family… even to her dog. I’m Chunk Handler and I’m Chelsea’s dog. I am half-Asian and half-German shepherd. Please don’t try to adjust the pages of this book. You read that correctly: I’m a dog. I have thoughts, dreams, and feelings all my own, and this is my story about the last time Mom pulled the dog fur over my eyes.
It was at our old place, sometime ago, and I was in the middle of another “home-school obedience lesson.” Her then-boyfriend was constantly training me to “sit,” “stay,” and “heel.” He always spoke real loud and slow, as if I’d just stepped off the short bus. So, as I said, he was trying to get me to do some dumb trick. I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. I was just thinking, How about I play dead, and you walk away for a long time? Mom was watching this from across the kitchen, nursing a Belvedere and soda. She had pity in her eyes. I couldn’t tell if it was pity for me or just self-pity. After a while of me pretending to be a dumb dog, her boyfriend got frustrated and huffed away. I couldn’t believe this was going to be the rest of my life. I mean, it beats the dog pound, but it wasn’t great either.
Once he was gone, Mom walked over to me, kneeled down, and said, “Don’t worry, Chunk, I’m going to get us out of this mess.” That was music to my ears. Finally, we were going to be alone.
A lot happened the next year. But the biggest development was that Mom and I moved out. All I ever wanted was a quiet place with no annoying people around. The large, modern home we moved into that summer was perfect—or so I thought.
“Lots of rooms,” she’d asked for. I had hoped it was because she wanted to give me different areas to explore. But no, she wanted to fill those rooms with people. This was an “if you build it they will come” type of summer house. It had a giant pool, a diving board for her brother Roy, a big backyard, and a horse stable. Thank god those dumb horses moved out with the owners of the house. A horse is not my idea of a good time, and neither are the dumps they take. It was summer bliss but also summer hell, because I realized on the day we moved in that we were never going to be alone again.
It’s not that I don’t like people. I just think I’m better than most of them. There are a lot of idiots at Mom’s office. And I have the reputation around there of being a little aloof and antisocial. These are some of the things I’ve heard them say about me behind my hairy back:
“That dog is an asshole,” Johnny Kansas has repeatedly said, before I’ve even left a room.
Johnny, Mom calls you The Bird because your body is frail like a little girl’s. Who’s the asshole now?
“He’s not my type of dog,” said Chris Franjola one morning after I averted my eyes from his horse-like smile. The thought wasn’t lost on me to store his ass in one of the stables at our new pad.
Chris, you don’t have a type. Your only “type” is a girl dumb enough to text you naked pictures of herself. Thumbs up, my brother.
My first day at the office was kind of like my first day at the pound. Basically you have to find the weakest link and make him your bitch. I found a guy named Ryan Basford. He was the perfect man bitch. Just “goofy” enough to take me on walks, feed me, and entertain me while Mom was too busy. He is also known to sit down when he urinates and to wipe his ass from back to front.
Chris Franjola
It was painful enough to spend most of my days with all the pedestrian people at Mom’s work. But another little problem presented itself. His name was Jax, and he’s a boxer. No, not a Mike Tyson–type boxer, because that would be cool. Jax is a boxer dog, and he pretty much sucks boxer balls.
Jax is a purebred, and purebreds are always such egomaniacs. They think they’re so great looking, but usually they have a few screws loose upstairs due to inbreeding. He’s also a real “man’s dog,” the type that’s basically responsible for why dogs ever got the moniker “man’s best friend” in the first place. Ironic that he belongs to a couple of lesbos.
Jax used to live in Dallas with the said lesbos, Shelly and Kelly. One day, about seven dog years ago, Mom and I flew to Dallas with five of her friends after she ditched her then-boyfriend. What happened between my mother and Jax upon our arrival was one of the most horrific sights I’ve ever seen. I can hardly think about it, let alone tell the story. Johnny Kansas was sick enough to videotape Jax forcing himself on my mom until she was on the ground, and then humping her with his red rocket lipstick penis. He was rubbing it all against her back as he licked her entire face with his big tongue.
Jax and me on one of the days Mom brought us to work. Obviously, not ideal.
It was repulsive. It was like accidentally watching a porn movie starring your mom and David Hasse
lhoff having doggy-style sex on top of that stupid Knight Rider car, except there wasn’t even a car. I didn’t bother trying to protect my mother that day, because she was laughing, and I didn’t want to look stupid. The main problem with my mother is that she laughs at everything, especially her own jokes.