Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  “Why are you trying to resist me,” I asked confused.

  “It is complicated.”

  I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. Just him standing close to me was almost too much to handle. I wish he would just kiss me.

  So many things were running through my mind, I didn’t know what to say or do. My heart felt like I had been in love with him all my life, but I know that it’s just been days. I didn’t want to ruin anything but I wanted him so much.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked.

  “About today… I was thinking about you just before it happened you know, and I screamed your name out several times. But the more I did, the louder the other voice inside my head became. I just wanted you there…” I said, not believing I just told him that.

  James’s smile disappeared and his face became sombre.

  “James… What is it? Did I say something to upset you? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” I was embarrassed now with what I had just admitted.

  There was silence.

  Suddenly there was chatter outside my door.

  James immediately became rigid and quiet. He turned his head towards his door in a defensive manner while his hands were still holding on to me. I was on a rush, and the thrill was too hard to contain, knowing that James will not resist for fear of being heard, I grabbed onto his shirt with both hands and pulled his chest back towards me. I leapt towards his lips, closed my eyes, and kissed him… hoping he would kiss me back.

  And he did, with more passion and intensity than I could have ever hoped. His touch was honest and tender. I was now completely his.

  He grabbed my blazer from my neck and slid it off me. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He pushed me backwards until my back was against the wall. One of his hands was on the wall to support his body, the other was on my back, under my blouse, touching and caressing my skin – his touch gave me a shiver. I threw both my hands around his neck loosely, before letting them fall down to his chest. I started to unbutton his shirt. When I got to the last button, I opened his shirt wide, placing both my hands back on his skin and slowly making my way up his chest. His body was incredible and his smell was so alluring. He started kissing and caressing my neck, before suddenly stopping and stepping away. He began to shake his head from side to side.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea right now,” he announced breathlessly.

  “Tell me again – you said when you called out to me the pain got worse?”

  “What?” I didn’t understand why he was thinking about that right now.

  “Please… I need to know…”

  “Well… yes! But that was purely coincidental.”

  James took a step back and started to button up his shirt.

  “Tell me, am I going crazy or is there something else going on?”

  “You’re not crazy. What’s crazy is me allowing you to be going through this!”

  “Go through what James? Today had nothing to do with you.”

  “Catherine, I’m sorry, I have to go.”

  “It is not what I want to do, I just have to. I need to figure this out. I need to speak to…” James stopped mid-sentence, obviously not wanting to let me know who he needed to speak with. He looked at me again, with the most loving eyes. “I’m sorry.” And then left.

  I just stood there, confused. On the one hand I was unbelievably happy that we kissed and on the other hand I wondered if that would be the last time.

  Who could James possibly need to speak with about us? Who would he tell?

  I spent a good while trying to work it all out in my head. It was useless. I needed a distraction, so decided to continue on with Victoria.

  Hayworth House seemed every bit as magnificent as I had imagined. I scouted promptly for Jonathon, but from what I could see, he had not arrived. On my scouting I discovered my parents, whose attention I caught immediately. My father was happy that I had made an effort to come, whilst my mother seemed somewhat anxious at how I would conduct myself with Charles Barton.

  “Victoria, there you are! Are you well? Why have I not seen you?” Charles rambled from the base of the stairs with his irritating tone.

  I could not be certain if I had responded to his question or had given a gesture of recognition to his presence. How could I? My eyes were now solely fixed on Jonathon. He stood further away from the bottom of the stairs with a grin of confidence only he could bear. Why would a man so superior in every way imaginable, be connected with Charles Barton? This thought sadly brought back to my attention that we were not alone. I now stood amid the two men, facing the only one that I desired.

  “Victoria, may I have the first dance,” Jonathon asked, already knowing the answer to his question.

  “NO!” interrupted Charles, “she will dance with me, and only me!”

  The tone in his voice frightened me and I immediately walked towards Jonathon, who already was moving towards Charles, angry. Jonathon placed his hand on my arm lightly and smiled a comforting smile, reassuring me, before continuing towards Charles. I was not sure of the exchange of words, but I was certain they were unpleasant. Charles then looked at me in disgust and walked away, while Jonathon leisurely turned and returned to me.

  I shook my head, uncertain of what had just taken place.

  “I do not understand that man,” I whispered to Jonathon.

  “I do not think he understands himself either.”

  “Jonathon, please – make me understand. What do you and Charles have in common precisely?”

  “Nothing,” he replied, frustrated.

  “I am confused” I said, aware now of the audience that we had attracted.

  Jonathon looked around, also alert to the unwelcomed crowd. He immediately directed me onto the balcony.

  His gentle touch on my arm was glorious. Once alone, he explained.

  “Victoria, Charles Barton is not and never will be my friend. His older brother, Mark…was.” Jonathon eyes were now full of sadness.

  “Mark fell ill last winter, and being clearly aware of his brothers unpleasing character, he made me swear to keep an eye on him. To replace Mark as brother figure in a manner of speaking. I feel accountable that a request from my dearest friend, a dying wish, is now impossible to keep. It seems both Charles and I have fallen deeply for you,” he confessed.

  “Jonathon,” I whispered, not believing what I was hearing.

  “You will be mine for eternity and I will never leave your side. I will love you until the end of time Victoria. Marry me?

  My writing was interrupted by footsteps outside my door.

  “Knock, knock!” Jules’s voice sang from my door.

  “Come in…” I yelled, packing my laptop away.

  “I just could not get back any earlier to see you. And I might add, neither could Mr Kemp. Well not to see you though, just to get back. And I suppose just as well because Mr Barclay was waiting for him…”

  “What?” I interrupted Jules mid-sentence.

  “What, what?” replied Jules, puzzled.

  “James and Mr Kemp?”

  “Yes, Mr Barclay was waiting out front, and I must say, he looked quite uneasy. He grabbed Mr Kemp and wanted to speak with him in his office right away. Why this late at night I wonder? How strange! Oh well, how are you feeling, dear?”

  “I’m fine, just tired,” I explained, trying to hold back my real emotions, in shock about what I had just been told.

  Mr Kemp was the person James needed to talk to? That can’t be right…

  “Oh yes, of course, my apologies. I will let you sleep. Oh, I almost forgot. Tomorrow I have to go to London for a cousin’s birthday lunch. Would you like to join me? It will be absolutely fine and I would love your company there. And I would feel a lot better knowing that you’re not on your own.”

  “Thanks Jules, but really I am fine. I’m thinking about going into the village, seeing as I missed out this evening. And I could do with a scenery change. You go and h
ave a wonderful time. I promise I will be fine here,” I said, trying to convince her.

  Jules just nodded with a smile and left my room. She was so sweet and caring. I wish I could tell her what’s just happened, I would have liked to talk to someone right now, but there was no one. Annie had said she would make contact with me when she could, so I just had to wait.

  James and Mr Kemp? What could they possibly be talking about now? Could James be getting advice from him? But he can’t! Mr Kemp hates me. His advice will be so obvious, so one sided. He wants me to leave the college! There’s no way he would say anything nice about me to James.

  So many things were racing through my mind and I just didn’t know what to think anymore. It was all too hard. I changed my clothes and went to bed, deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

  CHAPTER SIX

  When morning broke, I had to drag myself out of bed. My head was heavy and my body felt drained. I looked in the mirror. My eyes were sore and puffy, reflecting how I felt. Strangely, since arriving at the college, I hadn’t remembered many dreams, which was unusual. I was kind of counting on this trip to inspire me to write more.

  I felt confused and insecure about James and I. You would think after what happened with us I would be over the moon, but the way he left the room and then sought advice from Mr Kemp had left me feeling that unsure of where we stood. I felt a real need to clear my head before I next saw James or Mr Kemp for that matter, so I decided to get ready and make my way to the village and spend most of the day away from everyone.

  When I was done getting ready I had a look in the mirror and was taken aback by the way I appeared. I felt I didn’t look like my usual self for some reason, but I suppose I didn’t feel myself either. I grabbed my handbag and added a few other items – gloves, a matching scarf and a small umbrella. I then called a cab, which promised to arrive in ten minutes, sprayed on some perfume and made my way out.

  By the time I got to the grounds at the front of the building, the taxi was already waiting on the driveway. The weather was familiarly cool, so I put on my scarf and gloves. The taxi ride was short. I almost felt guilty troubling the poor driver, so I compensated him with a good tip. I wasn’t exactly clear as to what I was going to do at the village, or more importantly, what I was going to do when I got back. I just needed to be somewhere else, in a different environment.

  The village was quaint. Not big by any means and from where I stood I could see everything that it had to offer. It appeared to be hundreds of years old, unspoilt by time and saturated with original features. I guess it had everything an old English village ought to have; a church, pub, post office, supermarket and a few other shops in between. The main street was wide and cobblestoned, yet off limits to cars, and off the main street were many residential laneways. The majority of locals that were out and about were elderly, which accounted for the lack of noise. You could hear a pin drop or, in this instance, my heels crushing into the stone ground. The air was unspoiled, which allowed me to take in all the smells of the local bakery as I passed and in the distance, high above the village was a landscape that could be employed by any photographer.

  Suddenly, a great idea came to me. I would buy a gift for James! Firstly, it would give me an excuse to see him when I got back, and secondly, he would love the gesture. Everything would be OK, I convinced myself. A long shot, I know, but definitely worth the try. I continued to stroll down the street, this time with a mission, looking from side to side for ideas for James’s gift. Knowing that it would only take me about 20 minutes to go through this main stretch I decided to take my time.

  I noticed a wooden bench outside the bakery and sat there. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and took in a cold breath. I thought about the perfect gift, knowing that my choices would be limited to what was around me.

  A cold wind rushed by me, causing me to shiver. I kept my eyes closed. I was in complete darkness. Suddenly there was laughter and only pure happiness in my mind. Still with my eyes shut, I tried to focus on where the laughter was coming from. I could smell sweet-scented flowers and hear the rustling of autumn leaves. Victoria and Jonathon were in the distance, laughing together, deeply in love and joyously happy. Jonathon was trying to catch Victoria, but she was being playful and trying to avoid being caught. He finally gently took her hand and brought her close, his laugh turning into a soft smile. Victoria was pleased to be caught. She opened the palm of his hand and placed something in it. She kissed him, passionately, before she ran away, laughing, encouraging yet another playful chase. Jonathon didn’t react. Clearly taken by the kiss, he opened his hand and with the other, lifted up a gold chain with an oval locket. Visibly pleased, he clenched it safe into his palm and with a smile back on his face again, was in pursuit of the woman he loved.

  I loved it. I really loved that scene; they were obviously married and completely happy, finally some new inspiration for my story.”

  “Is everything alright?” a man’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

  “Excuse me,” I exclaimed as I opened my eyes, embarrassingly realising that I must have appeared to be asleep on the bench.

  “My apologies, I didn’t mean to intrude, Catherine,” the gentleman said.

  How did he know my name?

  I sat up and corrected my posture. When I refocused, I realised it was Richard Cartwright.

  “I noticed you sleeping here a while ago, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

  “Wake me? I wasn’t asleep. I was just closing my eyes and thinking,” I replied self-consciously.

  “Oh, thinking? What about?”

  “Nothing!” was my quick and defensive reply.

  “It didn’t seem like nothing. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have said that it looked like you were enjoying a man’s company in your thoughts.”

  “What? That’s ridiculous!” I shouted back, offended by his suggestion. I refused to talk about it with him any longer, and got up to walk away.

  “Wait!” He grabbed my hand and pulled me back down onto the seat. “Please stay. I will go. It’s your thinking bench and I was out of line, I’m sorry.”

  I tried to keep a serious look on my face, but I couldn’t and we both broke into laughter.

  “Let’s start this conversation over again, OK?” he pleaded.

  “OK,” I agreed and sat back down.

  “What brings you to our humble village this gloomy Sunday morning, may I ask?”

  “Well, I am looking for a gift for a friend actually. Maybe you could help me. I naïvely didn’t expect a limited amount of shops here. Is there a jewellery shop close by?”

  “Jeweller? Of course! I will take you to the best jeweller in London if you like.”

  “No… that’s not necessary. I’m sure there is something here… in town.”

  “Alright… I know just the place. Very reputable,” he paused for a second and then continued. “Well it happens to be the only one,” he joked with a wink. “I will take you now if you like,” he said as he stood up and put his hand out.

  “Oh, OK, thank you…” I got up without his help, which I could see took him by surprise.

  As we made our way to the jeweller, Richard gave me a guided tour, enlightening me on the history of the village and the people of the town. It was all very interesting and I was grateful, but inside, my stomach was turning over and over. I felt uneasy that I was walking around here with him and not James. Luckily for me, we didn’t have to walk far. The jeweller, a tall, bald man in a crimson velvet jacket, seemed very happy to see us, and welcomed Richard as we walked in.

  I wondered why someone like Richard be spending his Sunday in such a quiet village.

  “Nicolas, I would like you to meet Catherine, who is looking for a gift for a friend,” he explained as he turned to me and smiled.

  “Hello,” I replied, still amazed by the colour of Nicolas’s jacket, which was quite audacious for an Englishman.

  “Good day. Do you have something in mind?” Nicolas enquir
y as he motioned to the glass cabinet in front of him.

  “Um… kind of. May I?” I said, requesting permission to browse.

  “Of course, please do. Take all the time you need,” he said.

  Nicolas then came out from behind the glass counter towards Richard and shook his hand as they started talking. I scanned through the items he had on display. He had unusual rings, bangles, necklaces, almost everything. But I couldn’t seem to find what I was looking for. Both Richard and Nicolas must have noticed my disappointed moan as they both turned to look at me.

  “No luck?” Richard yelled out from across the shop.

  “No. I mean you have many beautiful items. But not what I am looking for,” I replied.

  “What is it that you are looking for?” Nicolas asked, now more than curious to help me. “I do have other stock packed away, as I can’t have everything out at once.”

  “Well, what I was after was a gold oval locket.”

  “Oval locket… Yes, actually, I do have one. But it’s estate jewellery. Is that fine?”

  “Of course, that’s fine.”

  “I won’t be a minute,” he said, excusing himself as he went out back.

  I looked across at Richard and gave him a half-hearted smile. I wasn’t quite sure why he was being so helpful. I just wished it was James here with me now, not him.

  “Here we are, how’s this one?” he said as he took the locket out of its box and placed it on a black velvet mat. “That’s it! It’s perfect! I’ll take it!” I couldn’t contain my joy. “Thank you, thank you!”

  “Would you like me to engrave it for you?”

  “Engrave it… Ah, I’m not sure. I’ll think about it, thank you,” I replied. This certainly wasn’t the time for that and I didn’t want Richard to see the message. Once I had paid for the locket, Nicolas placed it in a black velvet box, handed me a business card, and reminded me to return when I decided to have it engraved.