A Second Chance Summer

by Katharine E Smith

  We walk past the cottage we used to stay in, then down to a tiny fishing village, which is almost painfully beautiful. The weather today is fresh and bright; the sun reminding us that even if those clouds blocked its presence yesterday, it is still here while they are long gone. It rises gradually into the rich blue of the sky until just after midday when it sits high above us, magnanimously throwing down heat and light, so much so that we beat a hasty retreat into a pub, for a bit of respite.

  We eat thick homemade chips with mayonnaise, and drink bitter shandy, then we all wander down to the rocks, where we settle down to let our food digest and give ourselves a chance to relax in the sun. Unsurprisingly, Dad is soon snoring. Mum looks at me and smiles.

  “So, are you going to go for it?”

  “The Sail Loft?” I clarify.

  “Yes, what else?” she asks. I think of Sam but I laugh.

  “What do you think?” I ask her.

  “I think you should throw caution to the wind and go for it.”

  “But my flat…”

  “… you can carry on renting it out. Dad and I are always around to keep an eye on things, you know.”

  “What happens when Bea comes back and I have no job anymore?”

  “Well, I don’t know. You’ll have to work it out. But you’ve got a few months to do that. I can’t believe you’ve got any doubts about it, I can see how much you love it here! And you’ve got no real ties at home.”

  This is true. But it’s a bit of a scary thought. And now Sam’s back on the scene, for some reason it’s scarier. I think last night when Bea made her proposition, I wanted to say yes because I wanted to show him I didn’t need him; I could be here, in Cornwall, under my own steam, if I wanted to.

  Now he’s back, and he’s so lovely. What if he doesn’t want me to stay, though? What if this is just a convenient little summer thing for him? And what if my presence makes things difficult for him with Sophie? I’m not too worried about Casey… Kate, I have to keep reminding myself… but it’s not fair on his daughter if I mess up their relationship.

  “I know,” I sigh. “It’s a dream come true, really.”

  “Then go for it!”

  “Do you know what, Mum? I think you’re right. I think I have to.”

  “That’s my girl!” Mum puts her arm round me and I lean into her, looking out across the sea; its colour a thick, dark green here in this sheltered bay. A cormorant stretches its wings on a rock, then flies away. I watch its progress until it disappears behind the headland.

  As Dad snores on, I find myself telling Mum all about everything – or nearly everything – which has happened since Julie and I came back down here. I give her a fairly diplomatic version of Julie’s mess with Luke and Gabe, and Mum smiles to herself.

  “What?” I ask her, feeling defensive on my friend’s behalf.

  “Oh, nothing,” she says. “It just sounds like Julie. And no, love, I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just that ever since you two have been old enough to be into boys – and not just posters of popstars – she’s thrown herself into it, hasn’t she? I know you two thought you were so secretive and clever, but I knew what was going on. And no, I wasn’t spying on you! There was Steven Wainthorpe, wasn’t there, when you were about fifteen?”

  “Fourteen,” I say, remembering being a lookout for Julie and Steven while they snogged behind one of the temporary classrooms at school.

  “I remember him because he marked the start of my worrying about you and boys. But my own worries never really came to fruition, well not until…”

  “Geoff?”

  “Yes, Geoff,” Mum says grimly. “But Julie was different. Was she ever without a boyfriend from that point on?”

  I think back. Was there ever really a time when Julie was single, after Steven? For more than a few days – or weeks, at the most? Even during those times, she’d be out on the pull pretty much every week, as she was in the golden summer, and again when we first came down here this year. And it’s strange, because she’s not one of those women who thinks she needs a man to validate her, or at least I didn’t think she was. She is a strong and confident person. She is great at her job and came top of her class at catering college. She’s outgoing and funny, and lots of other things I wish I was. But what she said about me and Gabe, well that took me by surprise. I know nobody is one hundred per cent confident but maybe Julie is more insecure than she’d let even me know. And Mum is right, she has never really been without a man. Which is why, I suppose, I shouldn’t have been surprised that Julie got herself into another relationship so quickly. I only wish she’d taken a bit more time to consider Luke’s feelings.

  I look at Mum. She is pushing a stray wisp of hair away from her eyes, and tucking it back behind her sunglasses. I wonder what it was like for her when I was with Geoff; Dad never hid his feelings very well but Mum seemed to sit back and watch, never showing hers.

  “You must have worried about me when I was with Geoff,” I say.

  “Yes,” she looks sad. “I did. I could see what he was like, although I didn’t realise quite how extreme he was. If I had known, then I’d have intervened. But I never wanted to interfere. I think people have to make their own mistakes. But there’s only so far you can go with that. When your nineteen-year-old daughter is being pushed about and bullied, then I think that’s a time you can get involved. I wish I had.”

  “Well, you weren’t to know, Mum. I think I was better at keeping secrets by then than when Julie and Steven Wainthorpe were going out!”

  Mum smiles. “I think you’d come back from Cornwall so happy. You’d met that boy down here, and you’d clearly had so much fun with Julie. You were sad to be back but looking forward to starting university. It felt like a really good time. Then you got sadder, and you wouldn’t tell me why, though I guessed it was to do with the boy down here. Then along came Geoff. He was older, and more adult – or so it seemed – and he worried me from the start. But for a while you seemed happy again. In a quieter way. Then the happiness went but the quiet remained.”

  “I’ve seen him again, Mum, the boy down here,” I quickly clarify, for fear that she will think I’m mad, seeing Geoff’s ghost or something.

  “Oh yes?” she smiles. “And is he still a hunk?”

  “A hunk?!” I exclaim. “This isn’t Neighbours, Mum.”

  “But he is, isn’t he?” Her eyes twinkle.

  “Yeah, OK. He is.”

  “And is he single?”

  “Yes, yes he is. But it’s complicated.”

  “Well, that’s life. Nothing much that isn’t complicated I’m afraid, love. The older you get, the more you’ll find that.”

  I find myself telling her another slightly sanitised story; this time about me, and about Sam. About the first time were together, that first golden summer, and how it’s been this time. About his accident, my misunderstanding. Geoff. And I tell her about Casey/Kate. And Sophie.

  “OK,” Mum says slowly. “So you two splitting up should never have happened, not really?”

  “No.”

  “And you both went into rebound relationships, and you both got more than you bargained for.”

  “I suppose we did,” I agree.

  “And Sam stayed with his girlfriend and daughter at first?”

  “Yes, for a couple of years, I think.”

  “And he’s still a good dad?”

  I think back to what Kate has told me about Sophie’s dad and I think yes, it sounds like he’s been great. I nod my head.

  “So he’s basically a really nice bloke?” Mum’s echoing what David had to say about Sam.

  “Yes, but he didn’t tell me about Sophie.”

  “OK,” she concedes, “I can see why that might bother you. But how many times have you two been out?”

  I think back. Other than our one night out, there was the time I fell at his feet on the coastal path; that hardly counts as a date.

  “Just once, really,” I say. I don’t te
ll her about him coming back to mine, after he’d taken Julie to Luke.

  “Right, and he’s said he was going to tell you about everything? Didn’t you say he’d sent a text saying he had more to discuss, or something? When he was taking you out to dinner?”

  “Yes,” I say.

  “Well, I think, my love, that you might be giving him a little bit too much of a hard time. He could have told you about his daughter on the one date you had but is it possible that he just wanted to see if you two still had the same chemistry? It’s probably a big thing for him, you know, getting involved with somebody when he’s got a daughter to think about, too.”

  What’s Mum doing? She’s turning the tables. I feel myself bristle. But mostly because I know she is right.

  “Maybe I have been a bit stupid,” I say.

  “Oh love, you haven’t been stupid,” Mum pulls me to her again. “It’s difficult, being a parent, though. And I imagine even more difficult, trying to form a relationship when you’ve become a parent at a pretty young age. Sophie is… how old?”

  “Nearly ten.”

  “Right, so how many people your age do you know with a ten-year-old?”

  “None, except Sam… and Kate,” I concede reluctantly.

  “Precisely. So how did he know how you’d react if he just came out and told you he’s a dad?”

  “Dammit, Mum, stop making so much sense!” I laugh.

  She laughs too. “Look, Alice, I’ve been so proud of the way you’ve dealt with things since Geoff… died… but you’ve made yourself diluted, somehow. You’ve been lovely, as always, but you’ve kept yourself under control. Regular job, paying off a mortgage, keeping fit… all great things to do but that’s how you’ve spent your twenties and I wish you’d been a bit more wild! I know I’m not meant to say that, being your mum. But it’s true. It’s different now to how it was for me. I don’t mean you should have been out there getting drunk every night, having loads of one-night-stands. But I wish I’d been able to be a bit more impetuous – don’t tell your dad. I feel like Geoff scared you, made you a more timid version of yourself. Maybe it’s time to just throw caution to the wind now, eh? Take this job. Call Sam, go out for that meal that never happened. Talk about it all. You don’t have to throw yourself into a relationship but I don’t think you should throw away your chance with him, either. To be honest, he sounds lovely.”

  “He is lovely,” I say, just as Dad snores so loudly that he wakes himself up. Mum and I laugh, and Dad looks slightly bewildered. I sit between them both, as Dad slowly comes round, and I feel this knowingness between my mum and me. I am so glad I talked to her and I know what I have to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Now it’s about the timing. I am impatient, eager to get on with things, to talk to Sam while I think I still have a chance. But of course there are other priorities. Luke’s mum has just died and Sam is with him, and so is Julie. She’s been back to the flat to get more clothes but she’s done it while I’m at work and I think that her timing was by design.

  Sam and I text regularly but they are short, sweet messages. I am not going to tell him what I have to say via SMS. Gabe phones me, more than once, but I don’t know what to do so I ignore him, and feel my conscience gnawing away. I have no idea what Julie is up to now. She was meant to be returning home this weekend but after Mum and Dad left I sent her a message to see if she wanted a hand packing. She didn’t reply. I know she must be in a bit of a state herself and I don’t suppose she can very well up-and-leave Luke right now but she’d broken up with him and, as far as I know, Gabe is expecting her back home.

  Sam has told me the funeral will be on Friday, just over a week after May’s death. It seems a short time but I know Luke and his dad had made plans for the funeral with May herself, before she got really ill and went into the hospice. The wake will be held back at the family house. I wonder what it will feel like for friends and family to be there, eating and drinking, with May nowhere to be seen.

  I am determined to be strong, and stoical, and bide my time. I go to work, I eat healthily, I run, and I swim. I haven’t heard from Casey/Kate, and I certainly don’t intend to get in touch with her. I still feel bad for her in a way but I also think she behaved like a bit of an idiot.

  What I can’t decide is whether I should go to the funeral or not, but I think probably not. I don’t know if it would be weird as I didn’t know May very well, and I think it’s going to be a very, very full church. Maybe I will go to the church to pay my respects then make myself scarce.

  Although I know what to say to Sam, I also know now is not the time. I must be patient, but it isn’t easy.

  I do, however, have to talk to Bea. Every day at work I can see she is trying not to ask me if I’ve made up my mind yet, but I don’t want to keep her in suspense. She will have a lot to do before she goes away. So on Tuesday morning, after my breakfast – cooked by Jonathan and totally delicious (don’t tell Julie) – I knock on her office door.

  “Come in, Alice,” she smiles at me.

  I almost want to leave her guessing; I can see the anticipation written all over her face. It’s very flattering, really. I look at her. She looks at me. I can’t leave her hanging on any longer. I feel nervous all of a sudden.

  “I’m going to do it,” I say. “Take the job, I mean. If you still want me to.”

  Bea flings her arms around me. “Yes! Of course I still want you to. Why on earth would I not want you to? Thank you, Alice, you’ve made an old woman very happy.”

  “You’re hardly old,” I grin.

  “I feel it sometimes,” she says, “when I wake up and look in the mirror and I wonder who that is looking back at me. Then I realise it’s me. Urgh.”

  “Well, clearly Bob doesn’t feel the same way.”

  “No, he… he seems pretty keen,” she says. “I don’t know, I must be mad. I haven’t been in a relationship for years and now I decide to throw it all in for somebody in the States. What am I thinking?”

  “You’re not throwing it all in,” I reassure her. “You’re taking a chance.” I think of what Mum said to me, about throwing caution to the wind. “It’s great, it’s exciting!” I say, and Bea laughs.

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  “Yes! And this is exciting for me. I thought I was going back to World of Stationery, and now I get to stay here, in this beautiful place, for a little longer at least. I will look after it for you, Bea, I promise.”

  “I know you will. And I didn’t want to mention it before but we’re all ready to go with the ad for a night manager so now you’ve said yes, I’ll put it in the Advertiser, this week. You can help interview them!”

  I look out of Bea’s window; the bright white shutters frame a view across the rooftops of the town and across the dazzling sea. I feel excited and calm all at once. I am so sure now that I have made the right decision. The only slight niggle is that I haven’t told Sam yet, but I haven’t had a chance to. I hope that he won’t mind. I hope that he’ll be happy.

  When I get back to the house, I dash up the steps two at a time. For the first time in days, Julie is there. She comes to the door of her room as I make it to the top step.

  “Hi,” she says, almost nervously.

  “Hi,” I say, and I look at her, move forwards, and hug her. I feel her relax, and lean into me, and then sob. “Come on,” I say, and I move her gently back into her room, sitting on her bed with her while she cries into me, all thoughts of my exciting news forgotten.

  When Julie is able to, she sits up a little, wipes her eyes, and looks at me.

  “How is Luke?” I ask.

  “He’s… amazing.” She gives a little laugh. “Him and his dad. They are both so… accepting. And positive. And determined.”

  “Well that’s good, isn’t it?” I ask. I think of what I’ve heard people say about funerals – how everything is focused on the organisation, and how friends and family are there all the time; how it’s only after the event that it
really sinks on. That life has to return to normal, only without that key person in it. Meaning it can’t be normal, not really. Not for a long time.

  “Yes, it is. It is.”

  “It’s been hard, though, hasn’t it?”

  “Yes,” she swallows back a sob. “Really hard. And I don’t know what to do for the best. I really don’t. What a mess. What a fucking mess.”

  I don’t say anything. Julie continues, “It looks like I’m back with Luke now. I didn’t really mean that to happen, but when Sam took me over there that night, I knew I couldn’t go back to Gabe. I couldn’t leave Luke like this. He was great. He was calm, he was focused, but so very, very sad. I know that’s not surprising. But I couldn’t leave him. Even after he’d finally fallen asleep, I lay awake. I thought about Gabe, and how great he is, and how much I miss him. But I sent him a message saying I’m staying in Cornwall.”

  “Bloody hell,” I say, “how did he take it?”

  “Not well. He tried to call me back straight away but it was about five in the morning. I couldn’t speak to him; Luke was asleep next to me. I did call him back later that day and he was devastated. He got that job, by the way.”

  “Shit,” I say. “He’s tried to call me, you know, but I didn’t know what to say to him.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you in an awkward situation.”

  “Don’t worry,” I say, and I mean it. “Do you think you can be happy, though? With Luke?”

  “Well, yes. I think so. I don’t know. I mean, he’s got to go back to London at some point but I don’t see myself doing that. I think I’ve got to stay here; I can’t go home, but I don’t want to live in London. Do you think Bea will give me my job back?”

  “I don’t know,” I say. “I think Jonathan’s planning to stay, I don’t think she can mess him about.” I hope Julie doesn’t expect me to get rid of Jonathan in favour of her, when I tell her my news. “Are you sure you want to stay here? You can’t just make this decision because Luke’s mum has died.”