Color Me Grey

by Michelle Janine Robinson

“Her chances—and the babies’ chances—are very good, especially once we administer the steroids. Our biggest concern is whether or not their lungs are developed enough. Otherwise, there have been countless babies that did fine at thirty-three weeks gestation.”

  Meanwhile, David stood nearby listening and quite frankly everything the doctor had just shared with Stephen was more than a little overwhelming. He wanted to run to her, protect her, apol ogize for any part he had played in any of this. Instead, he had to stand by waiting in the wings.

  “You can see Bridget for a few minutes, but we want her to get as much rest as possible. We would like to go ahead with the amnio and the first round of steroids.”

  “That’s fine, doctor.”

  David realized that even if he could come up with an excuse for seeing Bridget, it probably wasn’t in her best interest or the interest of the babies to see her now. He would only upset her further and right now that was the last thing she needed. However, lingering somewhere in his thoughts was the possibility that those could be his babies that were in possible danger. He might not be able to see Bridget, but nothing on earth could have made him leave that hospital waiting room.

  “Stephen, I think I’m gonna stick around the hospital. I’m going to see if I can get some coffee, maybe something to eat. You want anything?”

  “No, David. I’m fine. In fact, you can go home. There’s really nothing you can do here.”

  “What’s wrong? You afraid I’m gonna try to put you to work or something? Maybe chase some ambulances,” David joked. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m staying put. Besides, did you see all the beautiful nurses in this place? I’m staying!”

  “Suit yourself. I’m going to check in on Bridget. I guess you’ll be here when I get out.”

  “Yeah. I’ll be here.”

  Even during trying times, David would have done anything to switch places with Stephen. He realized he would rather spend days, weeks, even months in a hospital with Bridget than do anything else in the world. Unfortunately, he would have to satiate himself with acting as moral support to Stephen. Not only that, he still genuinely liked and appreciated Stephen, even though he was married to the woman he loved.

  From the moment Stephen entered Bridget’s hospital room, it struck him how small she appeared to be. He had always thought of Bridget as being bigger than life. But, lying there in that hospital bed in her blue-and-white-striped hospital gown, her eyes shut and a bandage wrapped around her head, she didn’t seem quite so big. She seemed vulnerable and all he wanted to do was to protect her. He crossed the room, stood over her and gently smoothed back her hair. When she woke up, he was happy to see she still had that unmistakable glint in her eyes that was uniquely Bridget.

  “Hi, baby. I was so worried about you. You okay?”

  Bridget slowly nodded her head yes.

  “You don’t have to talk. The doctor wants you to preserve your strength. Has he been in to speak with you?”

  That’s when Bridget tried to speak.

  “Why? What’s wrong. Is something wrong with the babies?”

  “Shh. Everything is fine, Bridget. You have a mild concussion but that should heal in a few days. And, the twins are fine, too. The doctor just needs to give you some steroids. He doesn’t want you to go into labor yet, before their lungs are developed, so they need to give you an amnio to test the babies’ lung development. I believe he said you were having contractions earlier. From what he said, it’s a pretty simple thing. They do it all the time. He also said that babies are born at thirty-three weeks all the time, too. So, you shouldn’t worry.”

  But, Bridget was worried. She was worried and she was feeling guilty. She somehow thought she had brought all of this upon herself and in turn upon her babies. She kept thinking that somehow she had led David on, that is why he had done what he had done and that’s why she was here.

  “How did I get here?” Bridget asked.

  “Mr. Johnny-On-The-Spot.”

  “Huh?”

  “It was David. He heard you fall while he was talking to you on the phone and raced right over to the house. If he wasn’t there, I don’t know what would have happened.”

  Yeah, Bridget thought, if David wasn’t there, what would have happened? If David weren’t there, maybe I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

  “Where is he now?” she asked.

  “Somewhere in the hospital, chasing nurses or something. I think that was just an excuse to stick around and make sure you were okay. I told him to go on home, but he wouldn’t hear of it.”

  Bridget was surprised to hear the words herself as they came out of her mouth.

  “Could you ask David to stop by before they do the amnio? I wanted to thank him.”

  “Okay, baby. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you’re doing okay. Maybe it’ll put his mind at rest and he’ll go home. There’s really nothing he can do.”

  “You should go home, too, baby. You must be exhausted after the week you had at work and now this.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. The hospital is going to have to kick me out and even then they’re going to have a fight on their hands.”

  “I love you, Stephen.”

  “Baby, I love you, too—so very much. I already knew that but I didn’t know how much until David called me and told me you were hurt. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  Stephen kissed her lightly on the forehead, then on her lips.

  “Go get David and then I want you to get something to eat. Knowing you, you probably haven’t eaten a thing all day. I’m gonna have to call Jade and have her check in on you—make sure you’re taking care of yourself. By the time I leave here, there are going to be two more additions to our family, and they need their daddy in optimum condition, too.”

  “Yeah. So I can do diaper duty, huh?”

  “Absolutely.” Bridget chuckled.

  “I’ll be back in a few, okay, baby? I’ll let David know you want to see him.”

  David was in the waiting room when Stephen returned, pacing like a caged lion.

  “You’re worse than me,” Stephen said.

  “She’s fine; consummate Bridget, a pillar of strength, pretending like she’s not scared to death and talking about whether or not I’ve eaten today.”

  “I thought of that. There’s a hamburger and fries in there,” David said as he handed Stephen a bag.

  “I don’t think I could eat a thing. Oh, by the way, Bridget wants to see you. I think they’re going to do that amnio soon, so you should probably go see her now.”

  As much as David wanted to see Bridget, he was afraid. He couldn’t remember when he had been so afraid of anything or anyone. This would be the first time he had spoken to Bridget since their encounter at his office all those months ago. He knew she would be more than justified if she spit in his face.

  “Hi, Bridget.”

  “Hi, David. I wanted to thank you for saving my babies’ lives. I don’t know what would have happened if you weren’t there. So, thank you. I also wanted to say that I never want to speak of that night again. Stephen considers you a friend and it would crush him to know what happened. I would never want him hurt that way. I’m not sure why you called me, but whatever the reason, I would much rather you keep it to yourself. I think it’s for the best.”

  “But, Bridg...,” David began before Bridget interrupted him.

  “No, David. I don’t want to talk about any of it. I want to pretend that it never happened. Okay. Please, just do that for me. Do that for Stephen. Don’t I deserve even that?”

  “Bridget, you deserve that and more, but that wasn’t why I called you. I...”

  Just as David was about to clarify things, the doctor and a technician walked in to give Bridget her amniocentesis.

  “We’ll talk later,” David said.

  “Okay.”

  And with that, David left, still convinced that the babies Bridget was carrying might be his. He knew that the most huma
ne thing to do would have been to forget about all of it, just as Bridget had asked. But he wasn’t sure he could simply forget if those babies were indeed his. There were some things that just couldn’t be forgotten.

  Six days later, and after two rounds of steroids, Bridget was scheduled to give birth on St. Patrick’s Day, March 17th. The doctor thought it best that she have a Caesarian section, given the fact that she was having twins and that she would inevitably be having them prematurely. Stephen called everyone he could think of that was important to both him and Bridget; his father and mother, Jade, Brianna and David. Everyone was on their best behavior, including Jade, and Brianna told Stephen she would try her very best to catch the next available flight from Georgia to New York. Stephen held her hand during her epidural and “suited up” and joined Bridget in the delivery room. They knew they were having a boy and a girl and had picked out the names Jasmine and Jacob. Bridget wanted Jade (her original family) to know that she was still very much a part of their new family, so with Stephen’s agreement, they decided to give both the babies names that started with a “J”. Bridget hadn’t told Jade yet, but hoped she would like it.

  Bridget had hoped that her own doctor would be there for the delivery. She hadn’t anticipated Bridget’s delivery being so early and therefore her doctor was out of the country. So, Dr. Aryanni would be delivering little Jasmine and Jacob into the world.

  Less than fifteen minutes into the delivery, Bridget (numb from the waist down due to the epidural, but awake), heard the first cry. It was baby Jasmine. She was absolutely beautiful. Bridget cried, but was alarmed when her baby was taken quickly to the back.

  “Stephen! What’s wrong? Where are they going with her?”

  Stephen followed. He knew Bridget would want to know that Jasmine was okay and she was more than a bit occupied. Jacob had yet to be born. Jacob was about to arrive when Stephen came from the back where they had Jasmine. Just as his sister had done minutes earlier, Jacob let out a hearty cry, amidst a look of great surprise on everyone’s faces. From where Bridget lay, every-one appeared stunned. Her first thoughts were of Jasmine.

  “Where is she? Where is my daughter? What has happened to her?” Bridget screamed.

  Then, she saw little Jacob. His hair was obviously light as was his skin, which was practically white. And when she finally did see him up close, she realized his eyes were not brown at all. If anything, they appeared to be almost blue. For a moment, she allowed herself to believe that all babies, including black babies, were lighter when they were born. After all, even from what little she had seen of Jasmine, she was light as well. But, Jacob was obviously lighter than his sister and how could she explain the light hair and the eyes? The eyes were the most telling. The looks on the faces of everyone in the delivery room were even more telling than Jacob’s light-colored eyes. And, the look on Stephen’s face spoke volumes.

  After both Jasmine and Jacob had been sufficiently cared for, they brought them both over so that Bridget could see them. One of the nurses held Jacob and Stephen was holding Jasmine. Bridget wondered if that was Stephen’s choice. Bridget wasn’t sure whether the tears spilling from her eyes were tears of joy or fear. Both Jasmine and Jacob were beautiful, but lingering in the back of her mind was the realization that David could very well be their father.

  Because they were premature and therefore small babies, each at a little less than four pounds, they were kept in the neonatal unit for over a month. Bridget understood the benefits of breastfeeding, but the twins’ premature status and her stress level made it very difficult. The more tense she became about breastfeeding, the less able she was to feed them, further frustrating matters. And, the obvious tension between her and Stephen just compounded matters, especially when she told Stephen that she didn’t want the babies to have any visitors other than the two of them.

  “Bridget, you’re not making any sense. I spoke to the doctor and he ensured me that there is no reason why our family cannot visit Jasmine and Jacob. They are both in good health and beside the heat lamp that Jacob is under for jaundice, they’re normal. In fact, the doctor said we could probably take Jasmine home if we’d like.”

  “Why would we take her home, without her brother?”

  Everything had become a conspiracy with Bridget. She thought Stephen wanted to take Jasmine home before Jacob because she wasn’t a reminder of the “500-pound elephant in the room” that no one wanted to talk about.

  “I know, Bridget. I already told the doctor that we would probably want to wait. In the meantime, why can’t my parents, Jade and David come and see the babies?”

  “Because they are still so small. They’ve only gained an ounce or two. I don’t want all those outside germs around them until they’re stronger. Besides which, David is not family. I thought you talked about family coming to see them.”

  “Bridget, you and the twins might not even be here, if it wasn’t for David. And, he’s just like family. I mean, the man paid for our wedding, for Christ’s sake. How many employers do that? He is a member of our family.”

  “I guess I have no say in this! Just lay open the doors to the unit and let anyone who wants to come and gawk at them!”

  “Bridget, it may be the hormones or whatever, but you are not acting rationally.”

  “Oh, so now I’m crazy, too. I offer one opinion about my own babies and now I’m crazy. Great!”

  “You know what, Bridget? I’ve missed a lot of work and it seems as though you need some time alone. So, I’m going to leave, okay, and try to catch up on some of my backlog.”

  “You might as well. The hospital was nice enough to provide us with someplace to room in even though I’m not a patient. They even provided you with a bed here as well and you haven’t stayed once, not once. I haven’t been home since Jasmine and Jacob were born, but you, you come for a couple of hours and go home.”

  And with that, Bridget was awash in tears.

  “Bridget, I really can’t do this right now. I’m sorry but I can’t.”

  He walked out of the unit and left, feeling somewhat guilty about not consoling her, but also plagued with thoughts of why his “son” looked nothing at all like either of them.

  Finally, after a month and two days, Bridget and Stephen were given the okay to take Jasmine and Jacob home. Bridget continued her objections to anyone being around the twins and eventually it began to anger Stephen more and more.

  “My mother and father haven’t seen Jasmine and Jacob yet. You are not making any sense. What are your intentions? Are you going to keep everyone from seeing them—forever?”

  “Stop being so dramatic, Stephen. I just want them to have a chance to build up their immunity before exposing them to all sorts of germs.”

  “Bridget, be honest with yourself. It would suit you just fine if no one ever laid eyes on them, especially Jacob.”

  “What are you trying to say, that I’m ashamed of my son? Why don’t you just spit it out? Say what’s been on your mind. Go ahead and say it.”

  “Under the circumstances, I don’t think much needs to be said. The reality of the situation is staring us in our faces each and every day; and not just our faces, but the faces of the hospital staff, the doctor, even your private doctor, or didn’t you see her reaction when she first saw Jacob? I’ve been trying to avoid having this conversation for long enough. For a month now I’ve been dodging requests from Jade, my parents, everyone, to see Jasmine and Jacob. Given the fact that I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want anyone to see them other than the obvious, it’s been difficult to say the least. I was at such a loss, two weeks ago, I even went over to Jade’s to try to garner some understanding of why. Needless to say, it was quite enlightening. All I have to ask you is why have you been lying to me, Bridget?”

  Bridget wasn’t sure how to respond. There had been so many lies. Truth be told, she wasn’t sure which particular lie he was referring to. The lie about her family, the lie about her and Jade, the lie about what she had don
e for a living before McDonnell & Simpson. Or maybe he was talking about the lie surrounding why Jacob looked so different than any of them, including his sister, Jasmine.

  “How did you and Jade really meet?”

  That’s when Bridget realized Jade must have told him the entire story of how they met. But why would she have done that? She had made it clear to Jade a long time ago that she hadn’t shared with Stephen who her parents really were. Or, maybe, she had been backed up against a wall and revealed more than she had intended. Somehow, though, that didn’t sound like Jade. She never got backed up against a wall. She was always in such control.

  “Why don’t you tell me, Stephen, since you seem to have all the answers?” Bridget replied sarcastically.

  “You know what, you don’t have to answer that question. Why don’t you answer the most important question of all? Who is

  Jasmine and Jacob’s father?”

  “What are you trying to say? So now you believe I was cheating on you! Is that all you think of me, just because I lied about my parents?”

  “No, Bridget, I’m just stating the obvious. Jacob is clearly white, or hadn’t you noticed that?”

  “Of course I noticed it, but for obvious reasons, I don’t know what I could be mixed with, and for that matter, neither do you. I saw your family at the wedding. That Uncle Clifford of yours was damned near white.”

  “Bridget, come on, first of all, Uncle Clifford is not my uncle by blood. He married my Aunt Lillie and you’re talking about very distant relatives here. It seems to me you’re grasping at straws.”

  “What is that supposed to mean? You sound like you don’t trust me. I don’t know what I could be mixed with. I barely knew my mother or my father, and my mother was addicted to heroin. Who knows what she was doing to get her drugs.”

  “Speaking of which, Bridget, since you brought up the issue of trust, when we first met you told me your mom was a nurse and your dad was a cook and that you were this close-knit family. It wasn’t until just recently that I learned the true story. And, I wouldn’t have found out about that if it weren’t for Jade. Not that she wanted to reveal your little secret, since you two are thick as thieves. I think she just let it slip. But she’s the one who told me when and how you two met and who your parents really were. Every time I would ask either of you about how you met, you would change the subject. You’ve told so many lies, how am I supposed to trust you? How do I separate fact from fantasy?”