Snake Girl VS the KKK

by Peter Joseph Swanson

  “Oh.” She laughed. “Ozone. And it isn’t up there. It’s over one of the poles and it just lets the sun shine in more. So don’t worry about it.”

  “It won’t suck us all into outer space?”

  “No.”

  “Oh. Okay. I knew I shouldn’t worry. The news gets so fussy. I should go to the library and read about astrology again. It’s always changing.”

  They got into her pale blue station wagon, he tossed his backpack in her back seat, and she drove off. As she pulled out onto Main Street traffic, she said, “Damn! I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you like I’ve missed my brother.”

  “I’m not dead.” Then Michael wished he could have said something more clever.

  Joanie said, “I missed how you were always so silly together. You made everything so funny. Everything. You were always so funny together. Like Laurel and Hardy.”

  Michael nodded sadly. “I don’t know if I’m that funny by myself. And thanks again and again for letting me stay with you first. Without you I’d feel all alone.”

  “With Annie Bea gone and on her own two feet now, she’s gone most the time. I feel all alone too much. That’s what’s new with her—she’s got her own apartment in town, now. I see her less than when she was in that trailer park.”

  “That was a cool trailer park. It was right on the river in its own sleepy hollow.”

  “I’m sure it flooded.”

  Michael asked, “What’s new with you?”

  Joanie rolled her eyes and moaned. “Oh I tried to go into business for myself. It didn’t work.”

  “Doing what?”

  Joanie cringed. “Selling makeup. I couldn’t sell any. So now I’m stuck with a ton of makeup.”

  Michael smiled and clapped. “Give it to me!”

  “It’s for black ladies.”

  “What? But you’re so white. You’re so white you don’t even tan. When you try to tan you just look infected. How did you get a bunch of makeup like that?”

  Joanie moaned. “I don’t want to talk about it. It cost me a fortune. But an ex-friend talked me into it. Since the town is so segregated I thought it would be easy… I would just knock on all the doors in a row at that part of town. Greedy me. Nothing is easy. It was all Color Fair brand. As I went house to house all the black women who answered the door just shook their head at me like I was a really dumb white girl. They told me that Fashion Fair was a much better brand for black skin and was cheaper to buy at the drug store and had a lot more colors there.”

  “Oh. That’s cold. Still, I’m sure there’s lipstick colors and eye shadow I could still wear. I may not be very black, in fact my skin is almost as white as Michael Jackson’s… but with this black hair, well, I could do Cher again. Who is she this year? Maybe she’ll become a black lady this year. She can do anything. Maybe I can be Diana Ross! Yeah! That’s it!”

  “You can’t do that! She’s black! You can’t do blackface! That’s so bad!”

  “If you do anything to be sexy it’s okay. That’s why it’s usually okay to dress like an Indian or a geisha… that’s about being sexy. Blackface is usually just mocking. Diana Ross could be done mocking, I suppose, some people don’t like her. Some people make fun of her. I suppose I could make fun of her by wearing too many eyelashes.” He clapped again. “You have eyelashes, too?”

  Joanie wrinkled up her nose. “A whole big box of them. You’re inexplicable.”

  Michael grinned like a ninny. “Eyelashes! A whole box! I hit a jackpot! If they’re free then I can wear three pairs at a time! Just give it all to me! All the makeup!”

  Joanie said, “You can’t be a black person. Doing blackface is illegal.”

  Michael laughed blissfully. “I already broke that law when I did Mahalia Jackson with six pillows up my dress and a little black rubber tire around my neck. That year it poured all week and flooded everything so bad, I sang, ‘Didn’t it Rain?’ and I wasn’t being sexy doing that but it was so fun! And then I did Lena Horne once doing Glenda the Good Witch in my epic aluminum foil dress. I only wore that once. And I did Aretha Franklin wearing nothing but a pink Cadillac. Actually it was just one of those toy peddle cars the kids can ride around in. It was hard to keep up. I’m afraid everybody saw that Aretha had a bony butt and a white penis that night. But so what. All that was an hour or so before I broke all the state’s sodomy laws. Laws, laws, laws.”

  “Were there any real black people in the bar? Would you have done that around a real black person?”

  “There was a black and white lesbian couple who painted their faces opposite and sang some love song and it had everybody in tears. But that was back when everybody was being so radical and edgy and shocking and throwing everything in the air and pulling everything out of the closet. Back then being rude was a part of doing art. Things are getting so blah and buttoned up again; that might not work anymore.”

  Joanie insisted, “It should always be illegal if it looks so rude. Doing blackface is against the law.”

  “It’s hard to keep track of how many laws you break in a day, nowadays, just doing your thing. And I can sell the extra black makeup on the black market, no pun intended, to all the hundreds of white Tina Turner drag queens out there. There’s always a Tina Turner drag queen, or two, out there no matter what the moral fashions are. Tina is unstoppable! Even before her comeback there was some queen doing ‘Proud Mary’ once a week just to show off how violently he can do the go-go. Maybe selling makeup will be my new career! I don’t think I can get busted for that. I once did Grace Jones wearing head to toe silver paint. That took about two weeks to get that all completely off. I hope I don’t get cancer. It’s best to use real makeup.” He drummed on the dashboard and started to sing Grace’s song, “Pull up to my bumper, baby. In your long black limousine…”

  Joanie shook her head and finally said, “Take all the damn makeup. I never realized I’d support a gay man’s most subversive habits one day, and help him break the law.”

  Michael looked at a few people sunbathing in a park as they drove by it. “So… how is everybody? How is Annie Bea? She still wearing a bob?”

  “Nope. A perm now.” Joanie added, “She has a new life now.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, I told you she has her own apartment now. Now she works for the Milldam newspaper. She says she just does dumb things there but she wants to write a real story someday.”

  “Oh, I love stories!”

  “Not the kind you tell, Michael—not the kind you make up where everybody ends up naked after being chased by a headless scarecrow, although that was pretty hysterical. You’re such a card.”

  “I really did love to make scarecrows, as a kid. What stories does Annie Bea tell?”

  “Real stories. News. She’s the real deal, now.”

  “Like what?”

  Joanie squinted to look serious. “She says she has some secret dirt on the KKK. I tell her to be careful or one day we’ll find her dead in a ditch somewhere.”

  “Or in the river blowing bubbles.”

  “She says she’s hot on their trail. She has dirt. She says that one day she wants the paper to headline, THE KKK IS ON THE WAY!”

  “Creepy. Isn’t that illegal? To be one of those?”

  “Nope.”

  “I’m illegal but the KKK ain’t. Go figure.”

  Joanie nodded. “They say they’re still running around in the woods along the river at night… like they own it all. Mostly up in the next county. Where your parents farm is.”

  Michael asked, “Oh. No wonder they all have rabies. It can get pretty scary out there at night.”

  Joanie shivered. “You hear all kinds of creepy river tales! They say there’s catfish so big that they’ll eat your dog. All kinds of things. You could make a horror movie about this place.”

  Michael shivered. “I can’t believe the KKK is still out there. You’d have thought it was the South that won the Civil War the way everybody is acting these days.”


  Joanie nodded. “Assholes will always be around. There will always be people like that who just can’t be nice.”

  Michael pushed her dashboard cigarette lighter in and then pulled it out. He looked at it before the coils even had a chance to glow red. “Is it broke?”

  “You smoke?”

  Michael shook his head. “Too expensive. You gotta joint?”

  Joanie said, “I wouldn’t waste my money on that stuff.”

  He laughed. “Me neither. That’s why I’m asking you.”

  “You nervous?” Joanie laughed nervously. “You seem so nervous. Please don’t snap on me.”

  “The only thing that should have a good snap is a purse. Me nervous? Can you tell?”

  “Yes! You’re so hyper and you won’t leave my cigarette lighter alone. Watch it or you’ll burn down the whole goddam station wagon!”

  “Sorry.” He clicked the lighter back into its hole in the dashboard and then sat on his hands.

  “Oh! Michael! Your fly is popping open.”

  “The damn button holes are all wearing out. Don’t worry. I have black underwear.”

  “Still. You gotta watch those things in this town or they might throw you in jail.”

  He buttoned himself back up. She tried not to stare as she said, “Let’s stop along the way for something to eat. You hungry?”

  He grabbed his stomach. “Boy am I.”

  “You’re too skinny. Greasy hamburgers and fries. My treat… as long as it’s a really cheap set of greasy hamburger and fries. We’re not going to Wendy’s. I’m not paying for quality.”

  Michael grinned. “Then it has to be… Chippy’s Polka Dot!”

  It was. They went. Food in hand, they took their bright orange plastic tray and passed a few families to sit in the corner. As they ate, Joanie asked, “How’s the star thing going in the big city?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “What? You never did Shakespeare? You promised you’d at least try. You said you wanted to leave them all in tears for a change. How do you usually leave them?”

  Michael smiled sadly. “I tried to be in a Shakespeare play. I tried very hard. Full makeup. Great costume.”

  Joanie finished for him, “Bad audition.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” He looked out the window. “I wonder where all the gay people meet… the glamorous ones, these days, around here in Milldam. Now that the bar is closed what do people do?”

  “Lots of people have parties. They rent a VCR. It’s getting cheaper to rent one. And they watch movies at home on tape. It’s fun to watch a movie that way.”

  “How would you know what gay people do in their homes?”

  “I was invited to one. They were showing Xanadu for the umpteenth time. And then they showed it three times in a row.”

  Michael pulled on a lock of his long hair. “Oh that awful film. Not all gay hallucinations should be put on film.”

  “It’s fun. And for some reason the rental store always has Xanadu. And lots of porno. That’s where the store makes their money, I’m sure. I’m sure you have learned by now that sex sells. They say porno is paying for this whole new industry—home video machines.”

  “I think I have learned by now that sex sells. Do you go to these porno parties?”

  Joanie gasped. “Of course I would not be invited to something like that! That’s just a boys’ night.”

  Michael had a sad face. “You poor girl.”

  She smirked.

  Michael felt uncomfortable in his hard chair and looked up at the faded blue polka-dot platters that clung to the white ceiling. He thought of a time he’d been here with her brother.

  Alex had said, “I don’t know why gay men still think about sex. Not with AIDS not solved yet. They’ll cure it next year, I’m sure. Everything has gotten so scientific. Until then, can’t gay men all take a year off from sex, at least?”

  Michael stated to Alex, “People have sex. That’s just the way it is. Gay men have gay sex and straight men have straight sex. And I’ve heard women like it too.”

  Alex shuddered. “But AIDS is so scary.”

  “That’s what a box of rubbers, latex gloves, a swim cap, thick goggles and a shower curtain is for.”

  “Shhh! Not so loud. There’s a family sitting right over there.”

  “I didn’t even get to the part, yet, about making sure you put bread bags over your socks.”

  “Michael!”

  “If they want upscale conversation they can go to Wendy’s!” He finally lowered his voice. “To tell a man he can’t cum is like telling a woman she can’t have her period. It’s all gotta flow. The body doesn’t hold on to old junk. I can’t fight my body. It’s all full of these machines inside of me doing things and I didn’t make it that way. I was just born that way. I was born to be very leaky. We all were. In and out, in and out, drink a beer, pee and cum. Sometimes you want it with a hug along the way.” He licked his finger. “These fries were so good. God I love French fries. At least potatoes are healthy.”

  Alex said, “God you ate fast for never shutting up.”

  “Yeah, I was hungry. Now I’m hungry! Where’s the sailors?”

  Alex wagged his finger at him. “Hush! There’s a family sitting right over there! Behave. And why would you be looking for a sailor at your age. Why aren’t you with somebody special by now? Why aren’t you with somebody you can grow old with? You gotta get one of those before you get too old.”

  Michael frowned. “Old? You know it’s over when you wake up looking like Marlene Dietrich at her last concert... the one where she came-to in the orchestra pit.”

  Alex said, “This town is full of people. It’s almost big enough to be a city. Haven’t you met anybody? Why do you scare everybody away? You look like a Satanist. You should cut your hair and wear spandex.”

  Michael came out of his memory of Alex and looked out the window.

  Joanie said, “You look sad. Aren’t these awful hamburgers as awful as you remembered them? Look. The ketchup is just as watered down.”

  “Remember how fabulous everything used to be? It all was great. Even just last year was so wonderful. I didn’t want any minute of it to end. I knew it was the end of an era. An end to youth. An end of everything being fun. I was the queen of the gay bar stage. I was even the queen of a dunk tank for that street festival. Everywhere was just me me me. And Alex was there to tell me to knock it off when I got too bigheaded. Now I’m just a dime a dozen big city stripper. Oh well, at least I make some money these days. I suppose that’s all the matters.”

  Joanie reminded him. “You fled this town scared for your life. My brother was murdered. You were almost murdered. Those were not the good ole days!”

  “Oh, besides that. The leaves all turned yellow and I thought about pumpkin pie a lot. The gay bar was so dark and cozy. It had that smell of old rotting wood you just don’t get everywhere.”

  “Yeah and they condemned it before it all fell down and killed everybody.”

  “It wasn’t that bad.”

  “They said it can’t reopen for anything until it gets a whole new roof. They say it was hanging by a rotted thread and could have caved in at any minute.”

  “Oh. That’s why it leaked like that when it rained.” Michael loudly sucked up the last of his pop from between the ice cubes. “It was so fun when I sang and put on shows. I was a real Judy Garland ‘Let’s put on a show!’ We’d all talk about art and ideas and sometimes we didn’t need to talk. We’d just sit around like zombies in our thick eye makeup and get so drunk and be happy knowing we looked cool as we were with cool people in a cool place with really loud music, without any wrinkles yet. Saint Louis is too big for all that to work. The gay bars in Saint Louis are all about cartoon color shirts and yuppie mall shorts and hair gel and tans. There’s always people around who you don’t know. In a smaller bar it used to be such fun to just see the same ole gang around. It made it feel like the whole world had a cen
ter to it. Before everything went to hell last year Milldam was my center of the universe. The bar was a clubhouse. It was our Stone Hedge. We had such great drunken discussions about George Orwell and Nancy Reagan, and punk fashion, and all that other stuff at that time. Nowadays if I don’t put the word ‘poppers’ into a sentence right away I’m tuned out.”

  “What’s poppers?”

  “It’s like sniffing glue but the high is very fleeting. So it’s almost as fashionable to have a poppers bottle at your nose as a cigarette in your mouth. Same difference, really.”

  “Oh. Sorry I asked.” Joanie looked off in thought. “I guess I just have an easier time of things, being me. I’m happy with what’s on TV. If I want to get high I make a cup of Folgers. Are you done? Shall we go?”

  Michael shook his cup side to side. He sucked up more air through his straw. He finally gave up trying to make more pop come out of the ice. He nodded and stood.

  Chapter nine

  As they pulled up to Joanie’s apartment a man in a mullet haircut and moustache was bending into the hatchback of his car. Joanie said to Michael, “Oh, my downstairs neighbor, Chuck. I don’t know how many times I’d asked him to turn his stupid rock music down.” She waved politely. “Hi Chuck!” She said to Michael under her breath, “They call him Up Chuck.”

  Chuck reached into a box in the back of his car and pulled out a few perfume bottles. Chuck smiled big. He looked at Michael and commented, “I’m sure your pretty lady friend would like one, too!” He did a double take. “Or, um.” He realized Michael had a boy body. He made a sour face. “Oh. Well you sort of look like a...”

  Joanie asked, “How’s your new business?” She turned to Michael to explain, “He used to just sell mail order flags.”

  Chuck held up a perfume bottle. “I’ll get some traction soon enough. I better! This new side business cost me a fortune, upfront. All these bottles really cost me an arm and a leg. All my money, actually. So they better start selling or I’m done for.”

  Joanie shook her head. “I don’t think people buy perfume through the mail.”