by L.H. Cosway
My breathing stuttered. “You’re right. I w-would hate it. So much.”
His eyes blazed. “Maybe I should do it then.”
“Go ahead,” I goaded, and his attention went to my parted lips. He leaned a fraction closer. I was stunned to discover the lack of distress I felt at the prospect of him kissing me. There was no sickness in my gut, no sense of revulsion. Only anticipation. Only want.
I was nervous, though. Anxiety mixed with need, practically paralysing me. All of the feelings I’d suppressed for so many years converged and swirled inside me, so much so that I could barely stand it.
“If you try to kiss me, I’ll vomit in your mouth,” I warned, panting.
“Will you?” he asked. He didn’t sound like he believed me.
My breasts rose and fell, pushing into Neil’s lean chest. He seemed to become aware of that, too, and I gasped when I felt a brush of stiffness in his pants. Then, dismay flickered behind his eyes. I must’ve given him some indication of nerves because he withdrew, instead bringing his mouth to my temple, the same spot he’d kissed after we’d shared a nap in my bed the other evening.
His kiss was delicate. When his mouth left my temple, he brought his forehead to mine and rested it there, a slow, minty exhalation leaving him and washing over my face. I wasn’t turned off by his breath. I relished everything about him, it seemed. No part of him was unappealing to me. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually wanted to explore someone else’s mouth with my tongue. I wanted to taste him.
The thought stunned me. It was revelatory.
All these years, the very idea of locking lips turned my stomach. Now I wanted it more than anything.
A second later, he rolled off me. It was my own fault that he’d stopped. I’d obviously given some non-verbal cue that the idea of kissing him scared me half to death. And it did, but not for the reasons he might’ve thought.
I missed his heat, the delicious pressure of his hands as he held my wrists down. The weight of his forehead resting against mine. The shocking brush of his obvious erection against my leg. Ugh! Why did I have to show him I was nervous?
Now I have become Disappointment, the destroyer of sexy times.
“It’s almost dark. I better get started on the food,” Neil said, his voice weirdly blank.
I didn’t speak, choosing to remain seated on the blanket while Neil went about setting up the gas cooker. It looked like he was making us steaks, and my mouth watered at the prospect. The last few minutes had played havoc with my hormones, and now I was absolutely famished.
Neil was busy cooking when Adam appeared again. He brought over two more cans of lager, handing one to Neil as he cooked before coming and sitting next to me on the blanket. Neil eyed him intently before grudgingly focusing back on what he was doing.
“Looks like your boyfriend is making you a slap-up meal,” Adam commented. We were far enough away from Neil that he couldn’t hear our conversation. At least I didn’t think he could.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said as I opened the can and brought it to my lips.
“He wants to be, though,” Adam replied, and I glanced at him speculatively.
“Are you mad about that?”
His brow furrowed. “Why would I be mad?”
I shrugged. “Not sure. I always wondered if you had a crush on me.” He barked a laugh, and it was a little too amused for my liking. “What’s so funny?”
“Christ, you’ve an ego.”
“I don’t have an ego. You just always seemed jealous whenever we were gaming and I mentioned going out to find a hookup.”
“I wasnae jealous, Afric. I was worried. I think of you as a younger sister, and London is a dangerous city. I didnae enjoy the thought of you going out there and having sex with random blokes who could turn out to be serial killers.”
“Oh,” I said and took a long gulp as chagrin took hold. “That actually makes sense.”
“Aye, it does. And anyway, I thought it was obvious that I like Winona.”
I gaped at him. “Yellowshoes?”
“Aye,” he replied sombrely.
“But you two are always arguing.”
“Arguing is akin to foreplay for some.”
I laughed at that. “You’re such a perv. Have you ever told her that you like her?”
He shook his head.
“Why not?”
“She’s not gonna be interested in the likes of me, and besides, she lives too far away.”
“I still think you should tell her, see what she says. You never know. She might decide to move to Scotland. She’s always complaining about the unbearable heat in Florida and how much she’d love to live somewhere cold and rainy.”
His eyebrow arched. “You think she’d move to Scotland for me?”
“I don’t know. It’s possible. You’ll never know until you tell her how you feel.”
Adam fell silent after that, the two of us drinking in quiet contemplation. He said that Neil wanted to be my boyfriend. The very idea sent butterflies flitting around inside my stomach. And the way Neil had looked at me earlier. He definitely wanted to kiss me. I just wasn’t sure if his feelings matched mine. Was he merely sexually attracted to me, or did the very essence of who I was appeal to him the way the very essence of who he was appealed to me?
Eventually, Adam went to re-join the others, and Neil approached with two paper plates. He handed one to me, and I peered down. He’d cooked us steak, mushrooms, peppers, and diced potatoes with some kind of gravy sauce drizzled over the top.
“Wow, how did you manage all this on that tiny little cooker?”
“I prepared the vegetables and the sauce this morning, so I only had to throw everything into a pan and fry it up.”
I grinned. “You’re a genius. And thank you for planning this whole trip. It should’ve been my job to plan it. I was the one who invited you, after all.”
He shrugged and lowered to sit next to me. “I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to planning.”
“I noticed that.”
We ate quietly for a few minutes before Neil asked, “So, what were you and Adam talking about?”
“Are you trying to find out if he made a move on me?”
Again, he shrugged and focused on eating.
“He didn’t make a move. Turns out he doesn’t fancy me at all. He fancies our online friend, Winona. That’s what we were talking about. I was encouraging him to tell her how he feels.”
“Oh,” Neil replied, and I noticed his shoulders loosening at this information.
“So, now there’s egg on my face. He laughed so hard when I asked if he had a crush on me. He said he thinks of me as a little sister.”
“Well, you said you didn’t fancy him either, so at least you don’t have to go through the awkwardness of turning him down. Unless, of course, you were lying and you do like him?” He glanced at me questioningly.
“I wasn’t lying,” I replied. “Besides, I actually like someone else.”
Neil frowned so hard the familiar line between his eyebrows deepened. “Who?”
“You wouldn’t know him,” I lied.
He exhaled a breath, still frowning as he aggressively chewed his steak. When we finished dinner, Neil produced two red velvet cupcakes. “Grandma made these. She was kind enough to let me steal two for the trip.”
“As if I needed any further cause to adore your grandmother,” I said, taking a bite from the cupcake with relish.
“She likes you, too. She thinks you’re a hoot,” Neil replied, a fond note in his voice.
I smiled wide. “I am a hoot. They should put that on my gravestone and credit Phil with the quote. I can’t wait to come to dinner at her house again, though I’m trying to be polite and wait for an actual invitation,” I said, shooting him a pointed look.
“You’re welcome any evening. Just text me first to let me know, and I can pick you up on my way over.”
The offer gave me a warm shimmer in my chest
. “How chivalrous. Okay, I’ll do that.”
“Grandma will be thrilled. She rarely has visitors. After Mum and Dad passed away, a lot of our family and friends started keeping their distance. It was like some of them thought the tragedy was contagious. Or maybe they feared being asked to help care for Rosie and me.”
I glanced at him, a sadness hanging over his handsome profile. “That’s awful. Why are people such arseholes?”
Neil shrugged. “I don’t know. They just are.”
I took another bite of my cupcake as silence fell between us. A few moments later, I asked, “How old were you when it happened? When your parents died, I mean?”
His eyes were looking out into the distance at the darkening horizon. “Thirteen. Rosie was only seven. Grandma had been minding us while Mum and Dad went to Paris for the long weekend. On the drive home from the airport, they had a collision with a truck.”
My stomach hollowed listening to him speak. I had a big family, and they were all busy with their own lives, but I never really thought about how quickly and easily something terrible could happen to them. A simple drive home from the airport had snatched Neil’s parents right out from under him.
On instinct, I placed my hand on his, my palm resting over his knuckles. “Rosie said you work so hard because you feel the need to take care of her and Phil. I think it’s admirable how you stepped up and filled the role your parents left behind.”
Neil let out a small breath. “I didn’t have another choice, but I wouldn’t have it any other way either.”
“They’re very lucky to have you.”
He shook his head. “I’m lucky to have them. I love them both so much. They’re my rocks.”
My gaze met his, and so much affection for him filled my chest that I felt like I might burst. He was such a wonderful person, and I had so many feelings for him now it was dangerous. They were going to come spilling out someday, and I would be helpless to prevent it from happening.
A little while later, we joined the others. Neil and I sat side by side, drinking a few more cans and staring up at the sky in the hopes of spotting something. Well, I hoped to spot something. Neil hoped to prove me wrong. He seemed to be on his best behaviour, though, because he didn’t try to argue with the group as we discussed the possibility that an extra-terrestrial life form might’ve visited earth. And I could tell he was itching to point out the flaws in our logic. I reached out and squeezed his knee, thanking him for playing nice. His eyes met mine, and there was heat there, the kind of heat that came with the consumption of three cans of lager while sitting in a field in the middle of nowhere, Cornwall.
It was almost two in the morning before we eventually decided to call it a night. Everyone was disappointed that we hadn’t encountered any flying saucers, but I knew it was always going to be a long shot.
“I need to pee,” I said as Neil and I made our way over to our tent.
“I brought a roll of toilet paper if you need some,” he offered.
“That’s okay. I brought my own, but, um …”
“What is it?” he asked, frowning.
“It’s just that it’s dark, and I don’t want to pee too close to the tent, for obvious reasons, but I also don’t want to go too far away on my own.”
“I’ll come with you then.”
“But you’ll hear me peeing,” I complained.
“For crying out loud, I’ll put my hands over my ears if you want.”
I smiled. “Yes, do that. Thank you.”
I grabbed my toilet paper, and we walked a little distance away from the campsite until we found some bushes that would afford me enough privacy.
“Do you need to go?” I asked.
“No, I went earlier.”
“Okay.” A pause. “Are you sure you don’t need to go? Because I’m not coming back out here if we get back to the tent and you suddenly feel the urge.”
“Afric, stop temporizing and pee. It’s getting cold out here.”
“Fine,” I huffed. “But you better cover your ears as you promised.”
“I’m covering my ears,” he said, and I watched as he brought his hands up to cover them.
I quickly did my business, snapped off a few sheets of toilet paper, then used some of the hand sanitiser in my pocket before re-joining Neil. We were both quiet on the walk back to the campsite, and Neil seemed to be stewing on something. I could tell by how he kept frowning and acting like he wanted to say something but didn’t know if he should.
Finally, he asked, “So, who is he then?”
I shot him a confused glance. “Who is who?”
He heaved an irritable breath. “This bloke you fancy.”
Oh. Oh. I’d mentioned liking someone while we ate dinner, and I’d made it sound like there was some mystery man when, in fact, the person I liked was Neil himself. There was something about the dark and being miles away from civilisation that made me feel like I could speak freely. At long last, I wanted Neil to know how I felt about him. Then he could decide what he would do with the information, and it would be out of my hands. The ball would be in his court, so to speak. And besides, it wasn’t like he was completely indifferent to me. He was obviously attracted to me given what he’d said about my looks and the very obvious erection he sported when he pinned me to the blanket earlier.
“I’m not sure how to put this,” I said, and he groaned.
“Christ, don’t tell me it’s someone I know.”
“It is, actually.”
He raked a hand through his hair then stared up at the sky as if talking to a higher power. “This is a sick joke, isn’t it? You’re going to keep on doing this to me, aren’t you?”
I reached out and grabbed his arm. I met his gaze, and my voice was sincere when I said, “Neil, it’s you! You’re the bloke I fancy.”
He blinked. Then he blinked some more. Then he just stood there, dumbstruck.
I laughed awkwardly. “Say something.”
He swallowed thickly. “You fancy me?”
I more than fancied him, but tonight wasn’t the night for that conversation. I lowered my gaze. “Yes, I do.”
“I didn’t know.”
“Duh. That’s why I told you.”
He fell quiet again. I nudged him with my elbow. “This is the part when you tell me you fancy me back.”
His eyes flickered between mine, and there was such intense emotion in them that I felt taken aback. He moved closer, and my breath caught. His hand came to rest on my shoulder, and his eyes practically blazed. My throat thickened, and just like that, he didn’t need to say a word. He was channelling his attraction at me so intensely I felt like my skin might burst aflame.
Neil’s hand moved from my shoulder and slid all the way up to cup my cheek, “I fancy you,” he breathed, and my insides heated. He glanced at my mouth, and I thought he wanted to kiss me, but then his eyes traced my features before he exhaled reluctantly. “We should get back.”
I nodded, a little disappointed that he didn’t kiss me, but my skin still tingled with awareness as we made our way back to the campsite. The atmosphere between us had changed. It felt lighter and heavier all at once.
Outside the tent, we quietly used bottled water and toothpaste to brush our teeth. Neil had even brought a tiny bottle of mouthwash. He always thought of everything. For a second, I imagined us as an old married couple with one of those His and Hers bathrooms, the two of us standing side by side as we completed our night-time rituals.
After my unexpected confession, Neil was looking at me differently. He seemed charged like a battery overflowing. Once we were done brushing our teeth, he politely offered to wait outside while I changed into my sleep clothes. A part of me wanted to reply and say I didn’t mind at all if he came in and watched.
“You can come in now. I’m decent,” I called as I shimmied into the toasty sleeping bag. I noticed with delight that when Neil had gone to relieve his bladder earlier in the evening, he must’ve snuck in here and placed
a hot water bottle inside my sleeping bag.
“Where did this come from?” I asked, showing him the hot water bottle as he entered the tent.
“I boiled some water on the gas cooker. You said you were worried about being cold.”
“Is there one in your sleeping bag, too?”
He shook his head. “I only brought one. I don’t mind if you have it.”
“Nonsense. We should share it.”
“How could we possibly share it?”
“We could unzip both our sleeping bags to make one big sleeping bag. Then, we could put the hot water bottle between us,” I suggested brazenly. I certainly wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t have several cans of lager in my system and if I hadn’t just confessed that I fancied him and vice versa.
Neil started to pull his jumper up over his head, and I watched with rapt attention, not even bothering to look away. Sadly, he still had a T-shirt on underneath, so I didn’t get to glimpse what I was certain was a very nice male chest.
“We’re not doing that,” he replied stiffly as he began to work on the fly of his jeans.
“Why not?”
Now he seemed tense. “I’ve already set everything up. I’m not going to rearrange our whole sleeping situation just so we can share a hot water bottle. I’m sure I’ll be warm enough without it.” There was a pause as his attention came to me. “Can you turn around for a minute? I’m trying to undress.”
I frowned at him. “Why are you being so testy all of a sudden?”
His shoulders stiffened. “No reason.”
“Are you freaked out about what I said?” I asked, a flicker of self-consciousness rising.
He huffed a breath. “Yes, I’m freaked out, but not at all in a negative way.”
“Oh.”
His eyes met mine, and they softened. “Sharing a sleeping bag with you would be a lesson in torture,” he said, and understanding dawned. He didn’t trust himself to behave with me. Didn’t he realise how much I wanted to misbehave with him?
“I suppose we should stick to individual sleeping bags then,” I said as I held myself up on my elbows.
Neil frowned, then nodded in agreement before shimmying into his own sleeping bag. Once settled, he glanced at me, looking like he was about to say something but then thought better of it. Without a word, he flicked off the torch, and the tent was encased in darkness.
