by Jack Skeen
Crisis‐prone behavior creates confusion, disruption, and upset that are often unnecessary. We all know people who seem to be in constant strife—they tell us about the huge tragedies in their lives—every flat tire or minor argument seems to involve a story more complex than most Hollywood movies. They seem to generate crisis and star in their own dramatic story. Their constant state of upset distracts them from the need to deal with reality and the issues that stand in their way.
Increasing levels of autonomy. People with low autonomy see themselves as needy. They may view themselves as victims of their background or circumstances. They see others as better equipped to deal with life and have an expectation that others should take care of them or help them out. They constantly compare themselves and assess inferiority and superiority of self and others. Those with high autonomy like the feeling of taking care of themselves. They focus on continuously developing new skills, solving whatever problems arise, and doing as much for themselves as possible—not comparing themselves to others, but rather, appreciating everyone's uniqueness.
Another friend of ours claimed that he hardly ever compared himself to others. He was quite happy with his life and with himself. But, after speaking with us about comparison, he began to see things differently.
I didn't think I compared myself at all. But, it is almost as if once my eyes were open to this idea, I saw myself measuring myself against others almost everywhere. I was in a business meeting this morning, and the guy I was meeting with had on a shirt that was very neatly starched. Mine was wrinkled and, suddenly, I felt self‐conscious and somehow weaker than I had a few moments before. I really like my new car, but when I pulled up at a light and next to me was the new Mercedes AMG‐GT, my car seemed a bit shabby. I was at the gym and couldn't help but notice that I was lifting more weight than the guys working out next to me. I hate to admit it, but I got a good feeling. I like the idea of being stronger than they are. I imagine I work harder at staying in shape than they do. They are probably lazier than am I. And this was just my morning.
What is wrong with comparing yourself to others? Who doesn't want to keep up with the Joneses? Whether it is how many friends we have on Facebook, the size of our home, our weed‐free green lawn, the amount we spend on our clothes or our education, we are often noticing who has more and who has less than we do.
Our friend didn't think he had an issue with comparing. But, he wasn't aware. He was so used to comparing himself to others that it seemed natural; it was normal. It was only when he began to look for it that he saw how pervasive and frequent this behavior was.
Reducing your need to succeed by pleasing others. People who have a high orientation toward pleasing others cultivate the ability to adapt to the social demands of those around them. They take their cues as to what they should say and how they should react from whoever appears to have the resources they need. In grade school these people would have been called the “teacher's pet.” As adults they are often insincere, pretending to be supportive even when they are truly resentful and envious. People with a low orientation to please others are more interested in knowing and speaking their own minds. This is not to say that they are rude or brash, but rather, they are authentic and sincere. They are likely to have the ability to read others and fit in, but they won't compromise themselves to do so.
One man shared a painful story about misdirected pleasing:
I married at a very young age and my wife was younger than me. I thought the way to create a successful marriage was to please and that is exactly what I set out to do. I helped my wife write her papers for school. I worked so she didn't have to. I paid the bills, took on many of the tasks of running the household and, as time passed, shared a great deal of the child‐rearing. I didn't mind doing any of these things. I wanted her to be happy.
Yet, the oddest thing occurred. Instead of being happy, my wife seemed to become progressively more unhappy, even angry. She seemed to increasingly resent me. It was quite perplexing to me. We went on this way for more than 20 years. I worked harder and harder to win her happiness while feeling my marriage was slipping away.
One night, I was done. I simply couldn't do it anymore. It was too hard. I stopped pleasing. Those were dark days. I moved out of the bedroom and into the basement. I knew what was coming. Soon I was asked to leave my home. I packed up my few things and drove away from my home, my children, my wife, and the life I had built. I sacrificed my friends and my reputation.
But I also felt an odd sense of something positive stirring as if I had found some lost part of myself. Despite the pain of it all, I felt the stirring of a freedom that seemed powerful.
Our friend thought he was on the right path by doing whatever he could to please his wife. He knew his parents' marriage had not been very happy. Surely, he would do better. Creating a wonderful relationship simply required being better than his dad and mom had been at pleasing each other. He gave himself to this task with passion and commitment. How surprising it was to him when he discovered that, in the end, pleasing didn't work. Pleasing could not create the marriage he hoped for. Quite the opposite; pleasing eroded whatever good had been in his relationship. The more he worked at pleasing, the more he lost himself in the process. Rather than thriving, he sensed his life was eroding. Failing to understand the need to find his voice and to bring himself to the marriage, he took his emptiness as a signal to try even harder to please his wife.
We have discovered this to be universally true. Pleasing leads, at best, to mediocrity. You may think that by becoming who your boss wants you to be you will be promoted to the corner office. What you may not see is that while you are trying to become the person your boss wants you to be, you are not cultivating your unique gifts and abilities that would have been your true source of power and the basis of your continued success. When you are fitting into the expectations of your friends, you are minimizing your unique character and interests—the things that truly make you special and desirable. Whether we are pretending to be what our friends, our family, our boss, or the world wants us to be, we are setting ourselves up for being less than who we were designed to be.
Increasing your individualism by reducing your pretentiousness. Those who are high on this scale have a need to appear more accomplished and successful than they are. How they look is very important. They want to come across in a way that puts them in the most favorable light. Those who are low in pretentiousness are focused more on their accomplishments than on how they are seen. They want to do things that matter. They don't feel much of a need for their accomplishments to be recognized.
One of the greatest figures in history who demonstrated the power of unpretentiousness was Jesus of Nazareth. He was born in an obscure town in the middle of nowhere. He was raised by a carpenter who taught him that trade. He was an untrained rabbi who traveled on foot from town to town to declare the good news of the Kingdom of God. Those who embraced pretentiousness opposed him. They were the religious leaders. They dressed in fine clothes. They imposed religious law on others. They reveled in their power and influence. At first, they ignored Jesus. He was a nobody. Nothing would come of him.
But, he had a power they lacked. He spoke with authority. He healed the sick. He fed the masses. He was the real deal and the world recognized him as such. Then the religious leaders were threatened by him. Even though outwardly he was a nobody, inwardly it was undeniable that he was a somebody. He was more popular than they were. He was more powerful than they were. He had something they didn't have.
They had but one recourse: kill him. So, they masterminded his death. This would be the end, they thought. Kill him and it will be over. They would be in charge again. But their pretentiousness made them shortsighted, as it always does.
While they were able to have him killed, they were not able to defeat him. His life was bigger than their pretense. His influence only expanded. Now his message is spread throughout the world. What a story!
Decreasing reliance from bei
ng controlled by someone or something else. People who are high in reliance depend on the support and favor of others. They often attach themselves to people and institutions that offer security and avoid places and people that insist on meritocracy. Those who are self‐reliant have no expectation of gaining recognition or reward for anything they did not accomplish. They expect to be treated fairly and are uncomfortable if they are given more than they believe they deserve. Reliance on drugs or alcohol, overindulgence in television as a means to zone out, going numb through all time‐wasting behaviors—these choices rob you of the experience of your life. Becoming aware of these dependences and choosing alternatives that put you in ever‐increasing awareness of your life experience are critical to having a rich and full Circle.
Everyone is reliant to some degree. For example, each of us would scarcely exist as the only person on Earth and we all need food to stay alive. We all likely understand that overreliance on harmful drugs will create problems, too. But we can be reliant in ways that are not as obvious as drug dependency and seem more innocent yet, just like drugs, exert control on our lives. Each of us needs to take time to relax and unwind. But sometimes the choices we make as to how to relax such as drinking to take the edge off, can numb our ability to fully enjoy the richness of our lives.
I work hard every day. My days start early and I am in the office by 6:30 A.M. I have a cup of coffee at home, stop at Starbucks along my way into work, and need another cup when I am at my desk. The caffeine gives me an edge; I can feel my motor racing. Now I am ready to go. Normally, my mornings are filled with meetings. There is a lot going on so I often check my e‐mail during the meetings and sometimes step out to take a call. I have been told that multitasking isn't the best use of my time, but frankly, I have so much on my plate that it is necessary. Lunch? Oh, I usually eat it at my desk. I can't really remember what was on that sandwich I had today. Of course I was reading e‐mail when I was eating. I usually get home around 7 P.M. We have dinner together as a family and usually in front of the TV. This is the only time I can catch up on the news. Yeah, I have a drink with dinner and then a few after the kids are in bed. They help me unwind so I can get to sleep. Sometimes when the stress is bad, I need medication to get to sleep. But not often. It is normal to live this way, right? I mean…I am successful.
Our friend is a normal, busy, and successful man. And, his life is pretty heavily dependent on a variety of crutches that he views as aids to his success. He probably isn't sleeping well because he is drinking too much alcohol. He makes up for the lack of sleep with caffeine. Rather than giving all of his attention to that which is immediately before him, he does two or three things at the same time, thinking he is being efficient while sacrificing his creativity. He isn't enjoying his coffee or his time with his family or his drink after work as much as he could be because they are all tools he is using to manage his life. He is reliant in many ways that might seem innocent enough, but end up controlling him. Many of us make similar choices every day. We become numb to life in small ways—not obvious ones—and may not see the full impact of our choices.
Having personal commitment means having goals, operationalizing them into actionable plans, and disciplining yourself to execute those plans. Those low in personal commitment make pledges to accomplish certain tasks and often lack the discipline or desire to succeed. Those high in personal commitment make clear their obligations and reliably keep them. The absence of personal commitment is a sign of immaturity, signifying that you have made very few things in life important to you and/or that you have little sense of responsibility for the world around you. Life is easy if we limit our commitments. We can come and go as we please. There is no one counting on us. But achievement requires the discipline of personal commitment. You can't succeed in much unless you commit to it to the best of your ability.
If you have been to a small town, you likely know the setting—everyone knows everyone. One client who grew up in such a small town recounted a story of going to the hardware store with his grandfather as young boy. Walking into the store he saw a man he knew to be very poor across the street. Minutes later the man came into the hardware store and gave his grandfather five dollars. When they got in the truck his grandfather said, “son, I want you to remember this. I haven't had my grocery shop in 20 years, but that man still tries to pay off the grocery credit he ran up.”
Not too many years ago, the personal commitment embodied by a poor man still trying to make good on his word to pay for groceries was well understood. There was modest need for lawyers and contracts because when people gave their word, they created a bond and made a commitment that they would keep.
Our words of commitment create our lives far more than we might recognize. When we make commitments that we don't keep, people come to see us as unreliable. Their trust in us diminishes. The value they place in us is reduced.
On the other hand, when we keep our word, we demonstrate strong personal commitment. People know we can be relied upon. We become trustworthy, worthy of the trust of others. Hence, we become more useful to those around us and our opportunities expand.
Independence Chapter Summary
It is possible to have all the appearances of a successful life: financial wealth, advanced degrees, career success, a long and happy marriage and yet still feel trapped, powerless, and unhappy if you haven't mastered independence. If you bypass independence, your power will not fulfill its potential because it will always be filtered through the need to please others. Your ability to effectively use all of the elements of the Circle—power, humility, and purpose—are limited by the degree to which you are able to master independence.
Each of the six factors can increase your independence through:
Recognizing your reaction to the problems, obstacles, and crises that arise. While you may feel a rising sense of panic, take a deep breath, wait for your anxiety to subside, reflect on your options, pick the best one, and move forward. Resist the temptation to act without thinking, which may only make matters worse.
Taking 100 percent responsibility for all of your decisions and their outcomes. Such radical ownership of your life choices puts you in the strongest position to learn from your successes and mistakes and to make course corrections that will make you even more effective.
Listening to your own thoughts, opinions, preferences, and desires and believing in the power of your uniqueness to create your success rather than trying to succeed by pretending to be what others want you to be and conforming to their wishes.
Being careful to be completely honest in how you represent yourself wherever you go, not taking credit you don't deserve, not pretending to be who you are not, and not concealing who you truly are. Your acceptance of the truth about yourself betrays a powerful confidence.
Shedding all reliance on people and things that trap you in dependency or numb your ability to be fully alive and demonstrating deep and open appreciation for those who make a healthy and meaningful contribution to your life.
Being careful about the commitments you make because you take giving your word seriously. Following through on every commitment because you know your character is built on your reliability.
Each of the same six factors can also decrease your independence in the following ways:
Reacting to every problem you face as if it is a crisis and choosing to live in constant emotional turmoil will cloud your thinking and make it difficult to make effective decisions.
Avoiding personal responsibility by fostering dependency on others will undermine your ability to grow and learn. Rather than becoming more independent, you will sacrifice the skills and abilities necessary to care for your life.
Seeking to please others by pretending will make it more difficult for you to discern your own thoughts and preferences and will conceal from you and others your true strengths and gifts.
Pretending to be what you are not undermines your confidence in yourself and leads to a life of deception. The longer thi
s pattern continues, the more difficult it is to rediscover the truth about yourself.
Overreliance on the wrong things will foster dependence and the gradual erosion of your awareness of your strength and aliveness.
Not committing to things or committing and not following through undermines your integrity and leads to mistrust. You will mistrust your own ability to do what is best for yourself, and others will find you unreliable.
Note: Please feel free to tear out this page for reference as you work through this chapter.
Independence
Independence is about taking 100 percent responsibility for your life and the outcomes of your choices. Independence is living with freedom from the self‐talk and the torment of inner doubts and insecurities. Independence is the ability to be undistracted by anxiety over the future and by guilt about the past, such that you are fully present to the power present in each moment. Independence is freedom from the drama created by others and from the stories in your head that create drama in your life. Those who have mastered independence understand that they are the source of all of their success and of all of their limitations. They don't perceive themselves to be at the mercy of anyone or anything. They never blame or complain. They only ask the questions, “How did I create this outcome?” And “What do I want to create now?”
