by Jack Skeen
Crisis‐Prone Behaviors People who are crisis‐prone tend to fill their lives with drama. They prefer to be emotionally upset.
Autonomous People with low autonomy see themselves as lacking in personal freedom and may be needy.
Pleasing People who have a high orientation toward pleasing others cultivate the ability to adapt to the social demands of those around them.
Pretentious Those who are high on this scale have a need to appear more accomplished and successful than they are. How they look is very important.
Reliance People who are high in reliance depend on the support and favor of others.
Personal Commitment Those who are low in personal commitment either don't make commitments or don't follow through on the ones they make. They are unreliable.
Action Step One
Return to www.thecircleblueprint.com to complete the full assessment for independence. Review the results before progressing to Chapter 11: Power. Alternately, if you are not interested in the actual assessment, take time for honest self‐reflection on each element.
Action Step Two
After you take the assessment, move on to the exercises that follow. We offer exercises for each factor. In areas where you are not thriving, there is room for growth. If you want additional exercises, please consider our series of workbooks, available online at www.thecircleblueprint.com.
Steps to Reduce Crisis‐Prone Behaviors
Pay attention to what you are doing and saying. Recognize when you are creating drama.
Don't become a part of other people's drama. Don't allow yourself to get sucked in.
Rethink your relationships. Reduce your contact with people who are caught in drama.
Be a straight shooter. Be clear, honest, and graceful in your communication with all people.
Know the difference between conflict that is critical to fulfilling your destiny and that which is not. Engage only in conflict that holds the possibility of positive change.
Steps to Increase Autonomy
Notice how often you wait to make a decision until you have canvassed the opinions of others and assessed their anticipated reaction.
Notice how often you hold back on doing something you want because you fear criticism or judgment from others.
Notice how often you copy others in order to fit in.
Practice noticing your unique thoughts, values, feelings, and desires.
Practice expressing yourself more fully.
Become aware of the feeling of freedom and power that comes from expanding your self‐expression.
Steps to Reduce Pleasing Behaviors
Notice when you are pretending to be what someone else wants you to be rather than being yourself.
Notice when you are not telling the truth or saying what you really think.
Practice expressing your thoughts and desires even in small things like the movie you want to see or what you want to eat for lunch.
Practice saying no when you don't want to do something someone else wants to do.
Notice when you feel trapped or unhappy in a relationship and take this as a sign that you might be making pleasing more important than being yourself.
Practice expressing yourself more openly, sharing your ideas, thoughts, plans, and dreams.
Steps to Reduce Pretentiousness
Notice when you are taking credit for something you didn't do, or when you are boasting over something you did and are acting as if you are more important than you are.
Notice when you buy things only to show them off to others.
See if you can identify your insecurity about not being good enough that drives you to show off and boast. Write it down.
Practice accepting yourself in whatever area you feel insecure or inadequate.
Practice sharing your weaknesses, fears, and insecurities with others.
Steps to Reduce Reliance
Make a list of all of the things you could do for yourself that you are depending on someone else to do.
Make a plan to take ownership of everything on your previous list.
Start putting your plans into action.
List everything you do that wastes time (for example, watching television) and/or dulls your awareness (for example, drinking alcohol).
Decide how you would alter these behaviors to support greater awareness.
Start putting your plans into action.
Steps to Increase Personal Commitments
Make a list of goals you have for yourself but have not achieved. How many have you not even started making progress toward?
Make a list of promises you have made to others that you have not kept. List some of the consequences to those relationships that have resulted.
Be careful about what you commit to do. Commit only to things you want to complete.
Be clear in your commitments as to exactly what you are committing to do and by when.
Keep a list of all of your commitments.
Take responsibility, apologize, and make amends for commitments you fail to keep.
Chapter 11
Power
Many people view themselves as quite ordinary; as if there is nothing all that special about them. There is certainly a great deal of truth in that judgment. There are so many ways we are like each other; so much we have in common.
What you may fail to know about yourself is that you also possess something quite extraordinary. Some people are lucky enough to discover their gift early in life and so live in its power for much of their lives. Others never discover that uniqueness and so live their lives without ever experiencing that sense of being truly special.
It is your extraordinary self that is meant to be the source of power to live your life. It is meant to supply you with material success, purpose and meaning, and a sense of security that you have something to offer that the world needs.
The second step in cultivating a truly meaningful life is cultivating real power. Power can come from many sources. But the power to which we refer is that which comes from discovering your unique giftedness and in fully aligning your energy and passion with it. Your work in life was not meant to be drudgery that you endure because you need to pay the bills. Your work was meant to be the creative expression of your true gifts. When you understand your gifts and work from that place, your work becomes a source of power that provides for your needs but also impacts the world in amazing ways.
It is this power we encourage you to seek.
In 2005, Steve Jobs addressed the graduating class at Stanford University. He told three stories. The first was of his adoption as an infant. The second was of starting Apple in his parents' garage when he was 20 years old. The third story was of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and told he was going to die. He viewed each of these as pivotal stories in his life. Then he gave this advice to his audience:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
—Steve Jobs
Jobs was encouraging all those present to find their power, the thing they were meant to do in life. He believed this to be the most important lesson he had learned from life and this advice to be his greatest gift to those young people who were entering their professional lives.
The Power E
lement
Your power was with you when you were small, the result of your unique genetics and the influence of those who raised you. From time to time, it became clear to the people who cared about you that you were special in some way. Perhaps a teacher noticed you were a natural leader or a coach pointed out that your ability to throw a baseball stood out. Hopefully, your giftedness became so clear to you that you saw its value, embraced it as your treasure, and began purposefully cultivating and developing it. That child who wildly danced in the rain took tap, jazz, and ballet lessons and just knew she had something special. This seed of dance was carefully tended until it blossomed within a talented ballerina.
But not everyone was this lucky. Not everyone had people watching so carefully and reflecting that which they saw. Not everyone came to know what was so special about her life. And, because she never saw it, that uniqueness was not developed. Instead of living in the passion of her creative ability, her true power, her work is only the means to the end of providing the money she needs for her life.
It is never too late to find your power—it never goes away. Right now it might be showing up in your hobbies and interests; even though you are working as a lawyer, you have the most beautiful and abundant vegetable garden that any farmer would envy. It takes courage to discover and then invest in your power, and it isn't easy to realize later in life that you have been headed in the wrong direction. But the sooner you have that realization, the more quickly you can get lined up with your power—the power you need to live an exceptional life.
There are six factors that comprise the power element.
Self‐determination means to establish your own goals and to move steadily toward them regardless of distraction or difficulty. Those who are high in self‐determination are not only clear as to where they are headed, they also know why they are headed there. They possess the ability to discipline themselves to finish what they start. Those who are low in self‐determination either don't set goals or take on goals that might be meaningful to others, but aren't to them. They might be fulfilling their parents' wishes or trying to avoid conflict by going along with their friends' wishes. They often take the path of least resistance that, ironically, often creates more difficulty for them in the end.
How many people actually heed Jobs's sage advice to “have the courage to follow your heart and intuition” and use it to guide their lives? Far too often the story goes something like this:
My job is really boring. It was boring when I took the job and it has been boring ever since. I am doing the same old thing over and over again. I haven't learned anything new in years. I have no idea where our company is headed, if it is headed anywhere. I really don't care what they say when the leaders have those meetings to talk about vision. It always sounds like the flavor of the month. Not only don't I like my job, I don't like the people I work for. It seems to me that they are getting rich on my back. What can I do? It's a job. It isn't supposed to be fun. That's why they call it work!
We hope this isn't your story. It certainly doesn't have to be. Your work was meant to be an expression of your creativity, the opportunity for you to do what you love every day. It is here that you will find your greatest success. If your gift is to make shoes, you can become an amazing shoemaker. If it is to teach, you can be an outstanding teacher. Every day will be an opportunity for you to hone your craft, to cultivate your skill, and to indulge your natural interest. You will be living in your power.
Self‐efficacy refers to your belief in yourself. Those who are high in self‐efficacy believe they are capable of success in many areas—they know that if they put their mind to something, they can achieve a certain level of mastery at it. In contrast, those low in self‐efficacy often do not attempt new challenges because they lack confidence that they will succeed. Self‐efficacy is often explained by the “self‐determined prophecy” or the aphorism that whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right! It is the belief in self, or lack thereof, that often determines whether a person is actually successful at even the simplest task. Not everyone could see my gift. My high school coach cut me from my high school team. But, looking back I can see that it was one of the best things that happened to me. I was cocky, so full of myself that I couldn't see clearly how blessed I was to have this skill. I got over myself and applied myself even more to the game of basketball. Many people told me that I was wasting my time. They kept saying that no one could make a living playing basketball. I didn't care what they said. I loved the game!
Now, I am playing in the NBA. My career is doing what I enjoy. And I am a star! Who would have imagined that I could have done so well from applying myself to playing a game? Wow!
Do you recognize this man as Michael Jordan? He believed in himself and kept working—eventually realizing his dream. He certainly had the talent and could have been discouraged by being cut but he was not deterred; he knew he could succeed. It is this kind of confidence in yourself that you need to cultivate if you are to live in your power.
Achievement‐striving. This trait speaks to your ability to harness your energy and skills in a manner that can produce positive results. Those who have developed this skill are able to maximize their productivity. They use their time and resources judiciously and minimize wasted time and effort. Those who are low in this skill find themselves wishing for things to occur, procrastinating and wasting time. They have difficulty getting their act together sufficiently to make things happen and pursue actions with a lack of direction, focus, and passion.
Almost every successful person, regardless of how you define success, understands the importance of striving. Very few things in life worth having are gained without effort. The greater your ambition, the more difficult the challenges you will face whether you are a writer, a musician, or a mother.
Kobe's professional trainer was fast asleep. Could you blame him? It was 3:30 AM in the morning. All a sudden his phone starts ringing. It's Kobe. He must be in trouble, or in some kind of emergency. His trainer is freaking out, and nervously picks up the phone.
Kobe says that he's doing some conditioning work and could use his trainer's help. The trainer then proceeds to get ready and head over to the gym. He arrives around 4:30 AM. What did he see? He saw Kobe by himself practicing. Drenched in sweat, it looked like he just jumped in a pool. It wasn't even 5 AM in the morning yet.”
—AJ Agrawal
Success takes hard work. It requires focus, determination, and self‐sacrifice. It is not costly to want a better life but it is to build one. Everyone needs to look in the mirror and ask himself, “How hard am I willing to try to get where I want to go?”
Zest points to the energy you bring to life. Those who are high in zest exude enthusiasm in all their pursuits. They are “gas pedals” for the world around them, advancing their plans and getting things done with vigor. They are lively and display energy in all they do—some call this having a bounce in their step. Often, those high in zest seem delighted, sparked creatively, and living a life of passion. Those who are low on this scale manifest a lethargy that is difficult for them to overcome. They seem to go through the motions and lack energy; they may be stuck in a rut or appear sluggish, and everything seems as if it is too hard or requires more resources than they have available.
There are many examples of zest, but one that stands out strikingly is from the children's book Winnie‐the‐Pooh. Contrast Tigger, who bounced around happily, with Eeyore, who moped about everywhere he went, and you'll see a clear difference in the zest with which the two characters went about their lives. We all know a Tigger or an Eeyore. It seems clear which one has zest and which one does not.
Acceptance. Contrast the words willingly and reluctantly and you will have a good understanding of acceptance. Those who are high in acceptance are open to life as it comes to them. They understand that the world is constantly changing and, if they are going to stay relevant, they need to be changing as well. Hence, they welcome new opportuniti
es, adventures, challenges, and circumstances as opportunities to learn new things, to grow, to expand. They invite feedback, regardless of how it is given or how critical it is because they hope to see themselves as they are seen by others and to identify blind spots that limit their effectiveness. Those who are low in acceptance resist almost everything new and different. Change feels threatening and so is avoided. They are far more interested in maintaining the status quo than in looking for the next new opportunity. Seeing their limitations can be especially threatening, so they rarely ask for feedback and can become very defensive and angry if challenged or criticized. Resisting the natural change of life makes it difficult for people who are not accepting to keep up with the challenges of life.
Far too many brave servicemen and ‐women have come home from war with some devastating disability that has changed their life forever. After their wounds heal, they face the challenge of acceptance. Can they let go of the way they thought about how things would be and step into new expectation, challenges, dreams, and hopes? Such acceptance demands tremendous courage. It must not be easy. But, with acceptance come new openings. Their life has not ended, but it has changed in very big ways. Without acceptance, there is no moving forward. All that is ahead is a life of anger and pain.
