by Jack Skeen
The problem of lacking adequate self‐monitoring is common enough to be the subject of Robert Sutton's interesting book with the unusual (and hopefully not too offensive) title, The No Asshole Rule. He asserts there are two tests for spotting someone acting like an asshole.
We all know people who lack proper self‐monitoring. They are the people who stand too close to you when they talk and have no idea they are making you uncomfortable. They are the ones who talk too much at lunch and aren't aware that they leave no room for anyone else to speak. They say the most outlandish things and don't imagine that anyone would be offended. They just don't have a clue.
Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, does the “target” feel oppressed, humiliated, de‐energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him or herself?
Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim his or her venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful?
Sutton goes on to list his “Dirty Dozen” common everyday actions that assholes use:
Personal insults
Invading one's “personal territory”
Uninvited physical contact
Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
Sarcastic jokes and teasing used to insult delivery systems
Withering e‐mail flames
Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
Public shaming or “status degradation” rituals
Rude interruptions
Two‐faced attacks
Dirty looks
Treating people as if they are invisible
Perhaps you have worked for someone like this. Or, perhaps you have treated others in some of these ways. It is not a pleasant experience to work for or with someone who is behaving in this manner. Developing the ability to self‐monitor and catch ourselves going down a path toward these actions, and ultimately, stopping them before they occur, is a key aspect of humility.
Self‐esteem is a word with two parts: self and esteem. In what level of esteem do you hold yourself? Those higher in self‐esteem hold themselves in a healthy esteem, that is, they view themselves with a level of regard. They don't feel the need to prove anything to others, rather, they have confidence in their abilities and skills. They are confident in their value and their abilities without being narcissistic. Those with lower self‐esteem are not confident that what they offer the world is enough, and instead, question their worth and value. They tend to feel inadequate. This can lead to many maladaptive behaviors such as concealing, pretending, and overcompensating. People with low self‐esteem tend to imagine others are better than they are and become focused on others instead of placing their attention on their own journey.
Self‐esteem is about loving yourself just the way you are. This seems so simple, yet it can be difficult to do. Inputs from media, friends, and our own thoughts constantly tell us to lose weight, make more money, be funnier, smarter, and so on. Gaining perspective and loving those things about ourselves that make us special is key to having good self‐esteem.
Tolerance is the ability to be accepting of yourself and of others as well as of the situation you are in. People high in tolerance rarely, if ever, judge others. They make room for the differences of those around them, are accepting of mistakes, and are gracious in forgiving those who transgress against them. At the same time, they do not view circumstances that might be different from what they would like as unacceptable. Rather, they handle differences—with others—with a level of grace. People who are low on tolerance are just the opposite. They are quick to judge, slow to forgive, and open to take advantage of the weaknesses and mistakes of others to gain advantage. They also tend to act out, both toward others simply because they have differences like skin color or political beliefs and toward circumstances that are different from what they view as optimal.
A friend was riding on the elevated train into the city on a busy Tuesday morning. He had an important meeting and was dressed in his best suit. Gradually the train filled with commuters and every seat was taken. He offered his seat to an elderly African American woman. As he stood in that train car, he noticed that he was surrounded by people who looked very different from him. They were Hispanic laborers, young students on the way to class, and African American folks like the old lady. At first, he felt the differentness in their lives and he had a jolt of superiority. But, then the strangest thing happened. As he looked around, he had this overwhelming sense of belonging. These were people just like him. Everyone belongs to the same family. It was one of the best feelings he had ever had; the sense of belonging to a group of strangers whom he would never see again. He longs to live in that sense every day he lives.
Our friend discovered the value of tolerance and it changed him. He experienced humility in all of its wonderful power.
Three Models for Seeing Yourself
Hubris
Hubris is characterized as seeing yourself as bigger and more important than you are and being unable or unwilling to see your connectedness to or the true value of the world around you. You see hubris in those who overestimate their accomplishments and carry themselves with too much self‐importance.
Figure 12.1 Three Modes of Self‐Esteem
Low Self‐Esteem
Low self‐esteem is evident when we make others more important than they actually are and make ourselves either nonexistent or small. People stuck in low self‐esteem fail to see their value and power. They overinflate the value of others, imaging that they need their support and assistance far more than they actually do.
Humility
True humility is the full awareness of your unique gifts and full deployment of your strengths and power in the context of your essential and continuous connectedness to the life you share with all of creation. It requires relinquishing control. The act of relinquishing control must come from a realization that you were never and will never be in control. For many, this realization only comes at the time when all of their inflated pretense is wiped away. When all of your gifts and talents, your youth, money, and power are gone it is much easier to grasp the true value of who you are. This is the reason to venerate the elderly. They can be a source of wisdom precisely because they are beyond the ego's deceit. They can see more clearly because they better comprehend their place in the grand scheme of life. At this stage of life, when we have been stripped of our boasting and pretense, we often find not defeat, frustration, and resentment but love, grace, peace, and acceptance. We are often left with a laughable sense that the things we thought were important in our younger days have little or no meaning at all.
Humility Chapter Summary
Humility is the quality or state of not thinking you are better than others. For the purpose of the Circle we have defined humility as having an accurate opinion of your talents, accomplishments, and limitations and keeping them in the biggest of all perspectives. Humility is eliminating your self‐focus to the point of forgetting yourself in order to see your value in making a positive difference in the world around you.
Each of the five factors increase humility by:
Acting with modesty, which includes reducing the need to be the center of attention, talking about yourself, and showing off in front of others. Understanding and looking for the reasons that you are just like everyone else, while also recognizing that you are special, will also increase humility for this factor.
Being less narcissistic and increasing humility by focusing less on what makes you special and seeing yourself as being like everyone else. Understanding your similarity, not through comparison, but through simple values and common life needs and desires (e.g., affection, humor, sickness) is critical to expanding humility. Standing in line, waiting your turn, listening before expressing your needs, hard manual labor (e.g., yard work), and avoiding taking advantage of those less fortunate (e.g., intellectually, physically, financially) will increase humility and reduce narcissistic tendencies
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Increasing self‐awareness is the first step toward increasing humility through self‐monitoring behaviors. These behaviors allow you to progress toward balance through effective internal feedback. Only when you can see yourself accurately and choose how you show up in the world around you can you grow and mature.
Increasing your comfort level with yourself builds self‐esteem, which increases levels of humility. Strong self‐esteem reduces the need to boast or show off to prove your sense of being adequate. Knowing your strengths and taking responsibility for your decisions also increases self‐esteem and, thus, humility.
Increasing tolerance for others increases humility. This includes trusting others, forgiving others for their transgressions, and seeing your own weaknesses rather than judging the weaknesses and shortcomings of others. Tolerance is about acceptance, kindness, and grace.
Each of the same five factors can decrease your humility by:
Acting without modesty by being arrogant, bragging, and standing out in the crowd and talking about yourself reduces humility. Similarly, having a lack of appreciation for the good things that have happened in your life and the grace you have received interferes with your ability to develop humility.
Confronting narcissism is a normal part of our development. Young children tend to be narcissistic when they first encounter their independence. We call it the “terrible twos.” Teenagers tend to be narcissistic as they seek their own identity and become wrapped up in themselves. Adult narcissism is a bigger issue, especially when it persists and resists being tempered. Narcissistic/Machiavellian tendencies that reduce humility include believing things are owed to you, expecting special treatment, and manipulating others to achieve your personal goals; these significantly reduce humility.
Lacking self‐monitoring behaviors—including a lack of self‐awareness, poor ability to control your emotions, and impulsive and reckless acting out to attain your wants and needs—stand in the way of the cultivation of mature humility.
Feeling sorry for yourself, being overly harsh toward yourself, and refusing to take 100 percent responsibility for your choices and their outcomes reduce self‐esteem and undermine true humility. Low self‐esteem masquerades as humility, but true humility is built on the foundation of self‐confidence and faith in oneself.
Having low regard for those in need, believing that an eye for an eye is just, and lacking the desire to forgive all reduce tolerance for others and humility. A high level of tolerance leads to the opportunity for grace, which is the pinnacle of humility.
Questions to Better Understand Your Mastery of Humility
Of whom are you jealous? What motivates you to want what they have?
Are you taking credit for anything for which you are not truly responsible? Are you willing to give it up?
How do you identify yourself? Is it in your uniqueness or in that which you have in common with others?
Where do you show kindness and care for others?
Do people experience you as caring or do they find you difficult and overbearing?
What have you learned from your failure and loss?
When do you most easily find yourself connected to the world?
How could you expand your service to the world?
Who are you trying to make small to make yourself seem bigger?
How are you disrespectful, neglectful, or abusive to those around you?
How could you shift to create a positive and uplifting impact?
Note: Please feel free to tear out this page for reference as you work through this chapter.
Humility
Humility is quite simple to understand. Merriam‐Webster defines humility as “the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people; the quality or state of being humble.” For the purpose of the Circle we will define humility as having an accurate opinion of your talents, accomplishments, and limitations and keeping them in perspective. Humility is eliminating your self‐focus to the point of forgetting yourself.
Modesty The absence of the need to have your accomplishments seen and valued by others. Modesty is the ability to see your value realistically and not by comparing yourself to others.
Narcissism The tendency to be preoccupied with being special and feeling superior to others. Narcissism can lead to the exploitation of others and a manipulative interpersonal style.
Self‐Monitoring The ability to see oneself accurately and so to understand how effectively you are interacting with those around you.
Self‐Esteem Reflects a person's overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own utility. When self‐esteem is high, you feel good about yourself.
Tolerance The ability or willingness to allow the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with. People high in tolerance rarely, if ever, judge others.
Action Step One
Now that you have completed the chapter on humility, please return to www.thecircleblueprint.com to complete the assessment. Once you have completed it, you will receive the results to review before progressing to Chapter 13: Purpose. Alternately, you may choose to substitute honest self‐reflection on each element.
Action Step Two
After you take the assessment, turn your attention to the following exercises. We offer exercises for each factor. In areas where you are not thriving, there is room for growth. If you want additional exercises, please consider our series of workbooks, available online at www.thecircleblueprint.com.
Steps to Increase Modesty Behaviors
Notice when are extolling your own virtues. Ask yourself what drives you to do so and if you can be content simply being yourself.
Choose to not make yourself the center of attention. Instead, make others the focus of your attention.
Delight in the ordinary parts of yourself and the ways you are like everyone else. Look for and appreciate the common ground between yourself and others.
Be aware of feelings of superiority. Once aware of these feelings, work to avoid them. If you're smarter, that's fine; this doesn't make you better than any other person. Recognize that your unique gifts may make you special and more capable than others in some ways, but that others have gifts that make them more capable than you in other ways.
Steps to Reduce Narcissistic Behaviors
Become more aware of your narcissistic tendencies. Notice when you find yourself feeling superior to those around you or when you expect to be treated in a special manner. Challenge those thoughts with the ways you are similar to others.
Become a better listener. A core deficit that defines narcissistic behavior is self‐centeredness. Listening to others will be of great help in reducing your narcissistic tendencies. Practice reframing what you are hearing to check if you are hearing others accurately.
Consider how you can use your gifts and talents for the betterment of humanity. Focus your gifts on making the world a better place instead of using them for your own benefit.
Focus on expressing your love and care as often as possible. Narcissists keep a cool distance. They avoid being open and vulnerable. Practice serving those around you in practical ways. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. He did so as a lesson in leadership. He who wants to be the leader of all must become the servant of all. What a powerful lesson!
Steps to Improve Self‐Monitoring
Create a relationship with a trusted adviser. This is one of the primary values of an executive or life coach. Powerful people sometimes have great difficulty finding someone who will give them honest feedback. So many people benefit from pleasing the boss by reflecting his greatness that they would never dream of telling the emperor that he is wearing no clothes. A trusted adviser will give honest, candid feedback in real time.
Instead of measuring yourself against the reflection of greatness you receive from others, create clear performance metrics tied to concrete goals. Gain your feedback from what you actually accomplish rather than from flattery.
Un
derstand where pride is your enemy. Pay attention to phrases like “What's done is done,” or “She will get over it.” These are clear indications that you have done something that your pride is trying to cover up. You have likely overstepped your bounds and your unconscious self is aware of your misdeed.
Steps to Improve Self‐Esteem
Notice when you are comparing yourself to others. Ask yourself what you are learning about yourself by the comparison. Gently shift your focus to noticing your strengths and weaknesses without judging yourself as better or worse than others.
Take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Create a composite that includes both and consider how that mix equips you to have an effective and meaningful life.
Create goals that fit your unique complement of strengths and weaknesses. How can you expand and develop your unique life?
It is okay to admire great qualities in others without feeling less than they. Begin by complimenting and appreciating the qualities you value in others. This will ease your need to compete.
Above all else, don't try to be perfect. No one is.
Steps to Improve Tolerance
Take a few minutes to recall those who showed tolerance to you. Remember the benefit you received from being accepted and forgiven when it was not merited. Consider the benefit you gained from the tolerance of others. Now consider the benefit you can bring to others in your life by showing tolerance to them.
