by Jack Skeen
Notice how your judgments create division. Practice looking beyond your judgments to that which you and your adversaries have in common. What are you both trying to achieve? Is there a way you can get there together? Learn to look at all situations through the lens of tolerance.
Chapter 13
Purpose
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
—Robert Frost
Our lives are a one‐way street. Each day we make choices that create our path, our journey. Seemingly small choices sometimes shape major changes that alter the course of our lives. You turned left at the light and were blindsided by a drunk driver. What if you had turned right? You took that job that required you to uproot and move. The company rocketed to wild success and your equity means you don't have to work another day for the rest of your life. What if you had passed on that job for the one that was near home?
You invest your time and energy every day in something. You make choices because of the things you consider important. But are they truly the most important things in which to invest? Are you sure?
The retailer Sears used to have three levels for each of its appliances: good, better, and best. Have you chosen the best road for your life?
Which road have you chosen in the woods of your life? Does it make a difference? We agree with Frost's words, “And that has made all the difference.” It is the finding of the “best road” for your life that we refer to as purpose. Purpose is about seeing the truth about life and thus living each moment in the context of that truth and in the pursuit of that truth. Please pause for a moment and consider the importance of this idea. All of the choices you make every day are based on the context of what you see and know. Are you making the choices that help you down your best road?
The Purpose Element
Purpose is a clear understanding of how to deploy your giftedness in the most useful manner. Your gifts were given to you as an investment that expects a return; they were not given to you only to be used to create your own success and to secure your life. If you use your talents in so small a way, you are missing the bigger picture. When you see the difference you can make in the world, you will be playing the big game—and it is quite likely that your life will be more abundant as a result.
There are six factors that make up the purpose domain:
Resolve. This construct describes the trait of clearly knowing your destination before your start your journey, thoughtfully determining your progress, and the ability to choose wisely. Stephen R. Covey in his classic leadership book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, refers to these qualities when he writes, “‘Begin with the end in mind’ is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There's a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things.” (Covey 1989) Those who have cultivated these skills move thoughtfully and deliberately through life. They do not waver in their pursuit of their purpose and will not settle for less than achieving their purpose. They have a stick‐to‐itiveness that makes them resolute in their pursuit of their best road—they make a definitive decision and they simply do it, purposefully. Those who lack these skills, however, meander through their lives without much of a sense of where they are going or how they will get there. They expend wasted effort on choices that don't advance in any useful direction and tend to bend easily to a difficulty or obstacle and thus, get off track in their intended pursuits.
Resolve plays out in many ways. You buy the laundry soap you believe will best clean your clothes. You date the very best guy or girl you know. You have the best job you think you can get. But the world is a big place. There might be a much better laundry soap, guy, girl, and job out there. So are you settling for less than you could have?
Of course, the issue is much bigger than laundry soap. This is your life. Are you living into all of the meaning your life could have? What if there is much more for you than you see today? What might you be missing? Resolve now to pursue the much more, not to miss out on the purpose, stay on your best road.
Diligence. Diligence involves deliberately and persistently acting in pursuit of a goal. Taking care of your own affairs, remaining calm under pressure, and avoiding impulsive behavior are all important to achieving what you want. Diligence requires the ability to pay attention to important details and to follow through on successive tasks that advance your goals. Both aid in cultivating purpose. Those high in diligence will operationalize their purpose with consistent, steadfast effort toward goals worthy of their lives. They will not stop and start continuously and change the goal over and over; they keep working until they achieve that which they desire. Those who lack diligence simply don't pay adequate attention to all that is going on in their lives, and their efforts to attain goals are shaky at best. They miss important clues and/or lack the interest or personal discipline to stick with their plans. Life is often providing us feedback that, when overlooked or ignored, requires us to repeat the same lessons until we are willing to pay attention. As a result, those low in diligence tend not to reach the goal or purpose, because they cannot sustain effort or focus on the goal long enough. I really don't know what you mean by climbing to the top of the mountain. My days are a grind. I am busy from the time I open my eyes until I close them again. I don't have time to think about my life. It is difficult enough just to survive. I often feel like one of those hamsters that runs on the wheel every day. If I don't run, I can't pay the bills. I certainly don't feel like I am getting anywhere. Life is hard. That's just the way it is.
Our friend is not alone. Many people are simply surviving or enduring their lives. The way they view their lives leads them to live that way. Acting with deliberateness and diligence requires seeing what is truly important and then steadfastly, persistently, patiently pursuing that goal until you have achieved it. Most of what is truly valuable in life requires deliberateness and diligence. No one mastered the violin or became a champion diver without exercising deliberateness and diligence. Similarly, no one built a truly great life without cultivating those same qualities. Steadfast, unwavering, and committed application of your time and energy in pursuit of your goals is required to get anywhere that is worthwhile.
Myopia. The medical condition of myopia is often called nearsightedness and at extreme levels, means people can only see objects very close to their face and even when looking at, say, a picture, can only see a portion of it at a time. The concept of myopia with respect to purpose is similar. Those who are highly myopic have a very narrow view and cannot see anything bigger or more meaningful. They are often closed‐minded and lack the ability to see beyond a single focus. Those who are less myopic can see a bigger picture and even extend their sight to imagine new opportunities. Their minds, and views, are open and broad.
Imagine you were looking through a cardboard tube with your other eye closed and we asked you what you see. You could describe what you see quite well. And what you were seeing would be real and accurate. But it would be but a very small subset of all there was to see. If you were basi
ng your decisions and actions on that small slice of reality, your likelihood of making wise ones would be quite small.
Sometimes blinders are put on horses to limit their peripheral vision. This is useful if they are pulling a wagon or operating in crowded and congested areas where they might be easily spooked. But being able to see only what is front of them limits their ability to react to any danger that comes from the side. They are completely defenseless.
You are building your life on what you see. What if there is much, much more of which you are not aware? Your judgment and decisions must be hopelessly flawed.
One place that limited vision shows up frequently is in how we see ourselves.
I don't know what is wrong with my team. Each of them is so bright and capable but they simply won't make decisions. I keep telling them that we need to move quickly. They can't do it. When we meet they seem to agree with me. But when we meet a few days later they have changed their minds. I am so frustrated. Sometimes, I want to give up. How can I lead them if they won't follow?
Our friend is deeply disturbed. He sees himself as a committed leader of the team who is doing all he can to create the success they all want. But when you talk to his teammates, they see it differently. They describe their leader as pushy, abrasive, and toxic. They don't like being pushed into the things he thinks are important, but he does it all the time.
What's going on here? The leader is looking through a tube. He is only seeing his intentions. He is blind to the negative impact he is creating on the people he is trying to lead. Unless he becomes aware of the bigger reality, it is unlikely this team will stay together. A good project will be derailed because he is blind to the consequences of his behavior.
We all do this all the time. Some of us see through a tube that is so constricting that the choices that make sense to us are actually so outside the norm that we are put into jail or committed to a hospital. Most of us have a sufficiently large tube as to make socially responsible choices most of the time. We can see with relative clarity the impact of our decisions and how they will be received by others. But there is so much we might not be seeing.
Experience sharing. The creation and telling of stories is part of the fabric of the human condition. Stories are no more than the meaning we make of the events in our lives. Our stories are, to some extent, always shaped by our past experiences and biases. We move toward purpose when our stories inspire us to bring our best selves into our work and lives, when they support our understanding that our lives matter and that we can make a difference in the world. Our stories undermine our purpose when they limit our ability to see the bigger picture and so lead us into insecurity, selfishness, greed, envy, prejudice, and bigotry. Just as the right stories can make us big, the wrong stories can make us petty and small. The quality of our stories shapes how we live and how we influence those around us. They become the filter through which we understand the people in our life and, to the extent that the filter is biased, so too are all of our judgments and reactions.
Hold the truth (facts) tightly. But, hold your stories lightly. Understand that your stories are more likely to be wrong than right because they are based on limited data. Stories constrict your vision and make it difficult, if not impossible, to see the bigger picture. We must learn to see beyond the grip of our stories. As we let in more information, our judgments and behaviors will change along with them.
I had a chip on my shoulder because I was passed over for a promotion last year and didn't get a raise. It didn't seem fair. I had been counting on that extra money and, when I didn't get it, I felt like I had to count every penny before I bought anything. I came to see that I had enough money and that I was actually creating the sense of unfairness that was fueling my resentment. It was as if my eyes suddenly opened and I saw my world very differently. I had been creating my own obstacles. I was resenting people who truly valued me and wanted me on their team. I had been considering leaving a place where I was making a significant and valuable contribution and for no good reason. Almost immediately, I saw opportunities to expand my impact. I began working more collaboratively with those same people I had resisted. I was a lot happier and I think it showed to others. In fact, within a few months I was promoted and given a significant raise. It's funny because the raise didn't mean nearly as much as I had expected it to. I guess the whole issue with the money was only the result of the story I had created about being treated unfairly. When I got out of the grip of the story, I felt free…and my life worked a lot better.
Our friend was rapidly heading down a dead‐end street and didn't know it. In fact, it made sense to him to be on that road. It was only when he got out of the grip of his story that a whole new path appeared to him. He was a very fortunate man. So many people never question their stories and so never know there is another path—one filled with better options and opportunities.
This is our hope for you, that you will see what you can't currently see about your life. We want you to identify where you are stuck and the stories that keep you stuck in that place. This is how you will begin to see a bigger picture, one that has many more options for you than you can now see.
One way to learn to hold your stories lightly is to generate alternative stories that can explain the same facts.
My wife and I have a habit of kissing each other hello when we come into the house. One day I was standing at the kitchen sink and I heard the garage door opening. A few minutes later my wife came up the stairs and walked right by without kissing me. At first I was surprised. We always kiss each other hello. After a few minutes my surprise began to morph into a bit of anger. “Why didn't she kiss me?” I wondered. “Maybe she's angry.” But, for what reason is she angry? It was her birthday last week and I bought a nice gift and took her to her favorite restaurant for dinner. Now, I am getting pretty steamed. “She's angry for no reason at all. I hate this about her.” I hear her coming down the stairs but I don't want to be around her and so I go to the basement. I'm down there kicking stuff around venting my frustration when she comes looking for me. “What's the matter with you?” she asks. “What's the matter with me?” I say. “What's the matter with you?” And we got into a big fight.
How much better would it have been if, when she didn't kiss me, I took a few minutes to realize I was getting trapped in the grip of my story that she was angry at me and generated a few alternate stories instead? “Maybe she had to go to the bathroom.” “Perhaps she had a gift for me that she was hiding.” “Maybe something happened at work and she is upset and preoccupied.” Any of these could be true, I realized. Now when I hear her coming down the stairs, I ask her, “Honey, you didn't kiss me when you came in, are you angry?” “Of course not,” she replies. “I just had to go to the bathroom. Traffic was terrible.” Now, we have a great night together.
Learn to generate alternative stories. They can be of great benefit to avoid silly conflicts and create opportunities for harmony and peace.
Self‐deception is the act of misleading oneself. Nothing could be more damaging in the pursuit of purpose than to fool yourself about what you are doing and why you are doing it. History is filled with the stories of world leaders who imagined they were pursuing great goals while committing monstrous atrocities. Were they so blind they could not see what they were doing? Only if we possess the ability to be honest with ourselves can we cultivate our true purpose. Those who are high in self‐deception mislead themselves and have no ability to accurately assess their motives or the impact of their actions. Those who are low in self‐deception see themselves clearly and are honest about what they see. They know what drives their choices and understand the consequences of their behavior.
Perhaps the greatest source of self‐deception is one we all share: the ego. Everyone has an ego. Your ego is that voice in your head that is always evaluating and judging everything. If you don't realize you have one, stop reading and pay attention to the thoughts running through your mind.
The ego arises to a
nswer one simple and profound question: “Who am I?” The ego invites you to answer that question by looking at the outside of your life. Are you tall or short? Pretty or plain? Popular or not so much? Do you live in a big, expensive house or a small, modest one? From all of these comparisons your ego determines your worth. You are better than your neighbor if your car is more expensive than his. You are better than your buddy if you got into a more prestigious school. You are better than the other girls at school because you have more friends than anyone else has.
It is this self‐deception that leads to all kinds of trouble. Jealousy, envy, gossip, competition, lies, fighting, and war all result from following the ego's path of establishing your worth by comparing yourself to others.
The truth lies in a very different direction. Who you are has little to nothing to do with your appearance, accomplishments, or possessions. Who you really are is that which occupies your body—the inner you. When you see your inner you clearly and identify your value with it, you will discover a deep sense of humility and an opening to purpose that will guide you to your greatness.
Spirituality. Spirituality is not referring to any religion or religious practice. Instead, it is about seeing that life is much bigger and more complex than that which is material. Of course, the material world is important. Much of our lives are filled with obtaining, managing, and consuming material things. But there are qualities in life that are not material in any way and are absolutely fundamental to purpose. Consider such things as love, beauty, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, joy, and peace. None of these can be bought or sold. None can be stored up in banks or set aside for retirement. Those who are high in spirituality have learned how to cultivate those spiritual qualities, which become more valuable than material things. Those who are low in spirituality may not even acknowledge the existence of anything beyond the material and, while they certainly experience and value spiritual qualities, they lack the understanding of how to source them in their lives. I was so busy that it seemed my head was always down focused on the next thing on my to‐do list. I like being busy and having a lot to do gave me the feeling that I was valuable and important. Two months ago, I was on my way home from the gym and felt a terrible pain shooting down my arm. I thought I must have hurt myself at the gym, but when I woke up in the hospital and was told it was a heart attack, everything changed. I was told I had to slow down, reduce my stress, and have a more balanced life. I started taking walks and noticing things that in my busyness I had missed. I began to see the beauty in the sunrise on my way to work and in the sunset as I sat on my back porch after dinner. It was amazing! How could I have missed such beauty? I began to wonder about the source of beauty and the enormity of the universe. It seems peculiar to me that I had never slowed down enough to consider how much happens to support my life that has nothing to do with me. The earth travels through space at amazing speed. The sun rises and sets. The rain falls. Food grows. All of this is the context of my life. I expend no effort in any of these amazing things. At the same time, my life depends on all of them. Because I had slowed down and now saw such amazing wonder, I developed a new sense of appreciation for the gift of life. I know this was good for me. I am much more at peace with myself and my world. I connect with others in a richer way. I hate to say that my heart attack was good for me, but in a very real way it opened my eyes to the “more” that I had missed.
