Not Looking for Love

by Anjela Day

  All I could think was suck it in and shake it hard. I took a deep breath to put the heels on and walked on that stage. I wasn’t the best pole climber but the things I could do on the ground got me my money. I walked that pole popped my ass so hard that men couldn’t help but want to touch. Glancing into the crowd I was a ball of nerves. So many faces I had never seen. I feared they wouldn’t receive me well. With Beauty on the rampage, I needed to make all the cash I could. When I looked up and a familiar face was in eyesight I almost lost it. Seeing Kevin in the crowd watching men touching and rubbing on my legs I knew he had to be pissed. However, he didn’t even react. I knew he had to be embarrassed sitting up front with his brother and best friend on one side and his father on the other. Commenting on how fat my ass was and how they would love to take me home and show me how a man was supposed to fuck a woman. I wanted to run off the stage, but I knew if I did Beauty would kill me and I really couldn’t deal with more drama tonight. I finished my set and waited till about 4 am to leave. I knew my wedding was off so I slid the 2.5 Kart ring off my finger wrapped it in a gum wrapper I took out of the ashtray of my car and slid it in the side pocket of my jeans. Taking a deep breath I walked in the door and just hoped that Kevin already came and got his stuff and left. Instead, I walked in the door 2 the smell of food cooking. I dropped my bag at the door and looked around. Kevin was nowhere in sight. I ran up the stairs to see him sitting on; our the bed. I walked in slowly

  “ Hey, Babe” I said to him lightly. Bending to kiss his face. He looked at me and smiled.

  “Hey” he stood up and held his arms out as to embrace me I ran into his big strong arms placing my head on his chest and began to cry.

  “I wanted to tell you everything I love you so much I never—

  He shh’s me holding me tightly I felt so safe in his arms. Then his hold got tighter as he moved one hand off my back. He moved it to the back of my head. Kevin began to pull my hair. Pushing me to the ground he pulled out a roll of dollar bill stood one foot on my chest and the other on the ground and started to throw the money in my face. When he looked down at me I just laid there no screaming nor crying he knew he had to break me. The way I was feeling that was impossible. After what DJ did I wouldn’t let him break me? So I thought he grabbed me off the ground by my shirt pushed me up against the wall in the back of my mind I knew he was gone to fuck me but I thought to myself. If I don’t fight it will hurt less. He ripped my shirt off and cut my leg pulling my jeans off. He got on top of me and forced me to kiss him. The second he put it in I wanted to DIE. All that I kept thinking is I want this it’s not rape he loves me. I tried running my hand over his back. Praying it would ease the pain of penetration, but that didn’t work. The whole time he fucked me he grunted and uttered the same thing over and over.

  “You bitch I loved you.

  I finally couldn’t take it I scrammed out no.

  “Baby please stop Kevin please I love you.” Hot tears cascaded down my face. That pissed him off so much he began to choke me. I cried for a second then turned over putting my face in my pillow and just rocking back and forth. Kevin Laid behind me smacked my ass

  “I love u too now go fix me something to eat” he ordered like I was no longer his equal. I got out of the bed walked downstairs with nothing on but his tee shirt and some socks grabbed my bag and ran out the front door. My first only thought was Adonis.

  ***

  Life has a funny way of showing you who you are. No matter who you thought you were you can be knocked out of yo zone Kevin took so much out of me I thought that my life was over. I Couldn’t call Adonis we hadn’t talked in so long, but I missed him so much. I don’t know if it was him I missed or that I had become so used to him being my white Knight. Hell, what if I was doing all of this just to get his attention. He had been in my life for 13 years. Whatever this feeling was I had to shake it off and figure out who the hell I was and how I could get back to the way things used to be. I just had a sick feeling that it would never feel that way again. 6 months had passed since I left Kevin I was homeless for about three months scared to go home to my mom I slept in my car. I was so tempted to sell it a million and one times. It was the only thing keeping me warm. A job working at the big boy’s kept food in my belly full. I didn’t know how much I needed the food until I felt the human life inside me move. I was determined to get on my feet and do it without any help. I got a one bedroom apartment in the worst neighborhood you could think of. The girls were super ghetto they had no tack they could care less who knew what they were doing and they were doing it all. I wanted to just act like a baby a hundred times. I wanted to be back at at home with my mommy. In my cute pink bed with my warm blanket and my mom telling me that life was whatever I wanted it to be. That anything I dreamed was mine just reach for the stars. If my mom could see me now she would probably cry. I knew that I couldn’t stop. It seemed as if tears always were in my eyes. I was so damn emotional I shook. The baby got bigger and so did I it became so hard to wait on those tables it hurt to breathe and walk at the same time. I would get dizzy or hot for no reason. I kept on working and saving all the money I could for the baby. One Night it got bad I had to work a double and I was so hot. My head began to hurt. My hands wouldn’t stop sweating. I was carrying a tray to a table and I got so hot I stood in the middle of the room and closed my eyes just to breath. When I opened my eyes I couldn’t even see anything. My legs just gave out from up under me. I hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The tray of food went up in the air with most of it landing on me. The sounds in the room grew faint before everything was gone. I woke up two days later. The sound of beeping machines , and strange voices woke me up. A nurse standing by my bed reading a monster there were so many strings hooked to my body I felt like I was a science project. I tried to move but my hands were restrained to the bed I tried to scream but it was a tube down my throat I went in a panic it was like being trapped in a coffin buried alive. The nurse tried to calm me as my eyes moved from side to side trying to see whatever I could see. The nurse was talking but I was so worried the only thing I could here was my ears ringing. A screaming doctor kept speaking loudly. She held my hand tightly and was making me even dzzer than I was the day I fainted. I would have had a heart attack and died right there if Adonis didn’t walk in the room. The hospital called him all the way in New York. Apparently, his number was the only one they could find. I kept it in my coat pocket I would look at it every day with thoughts of calling him, but knowing that I had to make it on my own and look where that got me. Adonis grabbed my hand and looked me in my eyes.

  “ Neisha, You are ok baby. I’m here just relax. Baby they are taking some of the tubes out but if you move it can hurt you ok. Blink if u understand,” he said to me. I blinked and just kept blinking hurrying to open my eyes scarred that if I closed them for too long they wouldn’t open again. I tried to fight the feeling of sleep that was overtaking my body, but the meds were stronger then I was.

  When I woke up I was surrounded by my family and friends I jumped up in shock. My mom had this sad look in her eyes. Just the look she gave me I felt empty and wanted to cry. My mom pushed the button to lift the bed and sat beside me. She was talking to me like I was a three-year-old child. Her words were very slow and everything she said she would say you understand afterward.

  Adonis grabbed my hand and looked at my mom and smiled.

  “Hey MA I got this,” he said to her. He walked to the top of the bed and put his hand on top of my head.

  “Hey pretty girl” I let out a slight smile

  “Hey, I replied in a groggy voice. I reached for the cup on the table Adonis lifted me a little and picked up the cup putting the straw in my mouth so I could sip. He set the cup back down and gave me this strong face. The face looked like he was almost trying to hold himself together.

  “The baby you were carrying was too small and he was stillborn babe.” I closed my eyes for one second and from that point I wanted to feel nothing. I wanted to
stop breathing. The room just held this silence I turned over and just laid there.

  Telling Neisha that her baby was gone was the hardest thing I'd ever done. The look in her eyes, damn near Killed me. It had been so long since I'd seen her. Since I'd even heard her voice. This was not the first thing I wanted to say to her.

  I had thought about what I would say over and over. Never once did I ever think she'd be carrying another mans baby. I took a deep breath, and stroked her hand.

  Her mom had went home to change clothes I had assured her that I wasn't leaving until I knew she was good.

  “Hey babe.” I said pulling her fingers into my hand. “Why are you here Don?” She asked ripping her hand away.

  “Not to day Neisha.” I was pissed I'd dropped everything, I was doing and hopped a flight, and she was acting spoiled. Hell if she didn't want me here she would have had the nigga's baby she was carrying number not mines

  “I just mean I thought you were in New York.” she said lightly.

  “I was, but I'm here now.” I told her standing to kiss her.

  “What happened? Do you want me to call the baby's father?” I asked sucking my teeth soon as the words left my mouth.

  “My baby don't have no father. Every body not as lucky as Cole!” Neisha fired and I shook my head.

  “Alight I'mma give you that one because you been through the most, but that's the last round you firing. I told her running my fingers over her face.

  Two days later they finally released Neisha. I told Sharon I'd take her home. Neisha insisted to go back to her apartment. She kept telling me that she could catch a cab. I waved her off and gathered what little she had.

  “You ok?” I asked as I helped her into the car.

  “I'm fine how many times you going to asked me that!” She said still finding every reason she could to be pissed at me.

  “Look Neisha, I'm not him. Whatever he did. It wasn't me. You need to get over this bull shit. You need to rethink how you treat me. I'm the one here I damn sure don't see anyone else. Tears fell from her face and I felt so bad. I knew she had to have been going through so much, but I wasn't about to let her take that shit out on me.

  My silence grew I refuse to talk to anyone the whole time I was confined to that bed. I refused to cry about a baby I had never met. I didn’t get why it hurt so bad that it was gone I didn’t even know it. Three days later Adonis came to the hospital to take me home. My things were packed, I couldn’t leave with him. I couldn’t allow him to see how low I had sunk within that year we hadn’t talked. We argued about him taking me home for about twenty minutes until he just grabbed my stuff and walked out the hospital. ten minutes later he came back for me. The nurse sat me in a wheelchair and Adonis rolled me out and sat me in his truck he already had sitting in front of the hospital pick up the door. When he got in the car he just starts driving he didn’t say anything for the first five minutes he looked at me and smiled. At least you are talking to me again he said.

  He drove to my building and I was in shock that he knew where I was staying. I got out of the truck. That jump down was something painful. I walked up the 3 flights of stairs because the elevator stayed broken. Adonis kept trying to pick me up but it hurt more to be touched then it did to walk. He came in the apartment and stood in one spot that was so unlike him. He always felt so comfortable around me and this time it was different. I went into my room and climbed in the bed. I got up under my huge purple cover and sat with my back up against the headboard. Adonis, I screamed. He came into the room and stood by the door.

  “Boy come in here” I shouted. He walked in slowly grabbing the chair I had sitting against the wall and sat in it backward. I looked at him and couldn’t believe the change in him. Not just the fact that he was standoffish but he had a full beard and his hair was so wavy he dressed like a grown man button down shit slacks and leather shoes. My homie had grown up. I just couldn’t stop looking at him. The difference a year makes. We made small talk, but we still hadn’t addressed the elephant in the room. I think he was to be scared to talk about the way we left everything. I thought that I needed to break the ice.

  “So Adonis when do you go back home?” He smiled and held his head down. When he didn't answer I sighed and thought of something else to ask.

  “So where are you staying I asked. Again he said nothing. I just looked at him. I smiled and began to sing Keith sweats song Nobody to him.

  “I want the night for me and you so come here baby and let me do it to u don’t be afraid because I won't bite I promise to give it to u just the way u like and who can love u like me?”

  “Nobody baby” he smiled as I patted the bed next to me urging him to come to sit next to me. He hesitated for a second then he stood up and got in the bed next to me. I looked at him and smiled

  “So Don what happened to us? I thought we would be friends forever. I looked at his finger and seen a silver ring around his finger. In the back of my head, my heart broke, but I had to know, I stared at the ring for a minute then I smiled this fake smile.

  “so I see that you tied the knot.” He twisted his face and said no. then he looked down at his finger and laughed. He looked at me and laughed again. He laid back on the bed and kicked his size 14 shoes off. He let out a small gasp like he wanted to say something and couldn’t.

  “So how is your son? I asked he smiled

  “He’s good I just brought him back to his mom last week. I wanted to come to see you, but I didn’t know what to say. He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed.

  “Neisha why didn’t you call me? I left those earrings on your birthday that card said to my wife why didn’t you call?” I looked at him at this point I was speechless. He held up the finger with the ring on it

  “This is the wedding band I bought when I bought your ring” My eyes went to back in my head. “Neisha u were it for me I knew that when we were kids and I’m telling you this now. I would wait a hundred years if that’s how long it would take for us to be together”. I opened my mouth to speak and he put his hand over my mouth .

  “Let me finish when they called me and told me u were in the hospital I was in a meeting I walked out jumped on the first plane no change of clothes nothing I took a cab all the way to the hospital and until you opened your eyes the only time I left yo side was to piss. I want you to marry me despite the past I need you in my life this has been a bland empty year. I made 250, 000 dollars and it was nothing because I could not lie next to you tell you every night. I wanted you to have my child Neisha and when I found out you were having another man’s baby apart of me died.”

  I lied on his chest and tried to hide the fact that I had begun to cry. Adonis moved my head and stood up went to his coat pocket and took out a small box and walked over to me.

  “I have been carrying this for like a year man. Will you say yes If I open this box? I smiled picked up my pillow off the bed and put my face in it. I grabbed his hand pulled him in the bed I started to kiss all over him. I knew I should say no but my heart over jumped my mouth and I screamed yes. He took the ring out the box and slipped it on my finger and hugged me so tight I almost stopped breathing. He picked up my phone and called his father and told him the news. They talked about an hour and the whole time he just kept looking at me with this goofy look on his face. When he got off the phone he got up to put his shoes on. He picked his keys off my dresser kissed me on my head and ran out the door. It was like two hours before he got back when he came in he had all my favorite snacks and a huge Pizza Paplis deep dish pizza. We lied in the bed like when we're teenagers and watched movies all night snacking and talking.

  ***

  After a week Adonis went back to New York to settle his business there and then he was coming back. He paid my rent for a year so I wouldn’t have to work and he set me up a bank account so he wouldn’t have to worry about me while he was away. It started off that we would talk every night all night It didn’t matter what we talked about as long as we were talking
to each other most night he would fall asleep on the phone and I would just listen to him snore. We had never talked about the year we were apart, but it was always something I wanted to know about I was frightened to ask him because I didn’t want to relive the shame of my year but I felt like that year I had missed with him was a gap in our life together. Was it right for me to ask? I just knew everything about Don and this year was a blank did him and Cole try? I had so many questions. Dare I ask? As we lied on the phone talking about his workday I cleared my voice and took a deep breath

  “Don baby how come we don’t talk about last year. Why didn’t you come see me on my birthday? I could tell he was drinking something because I heard him choke on it. He cleared his throat

  “We can talk about it,” he said

  “Um, what do you want to know? He asked.

  “Everything.” He went on to tell me that he kicked with Cole for a while when he found out she had a man and was screwing all these other dudes. He went on to say he mostly worked then he met this girl Kandace. She was cool they kicked it about two months then Cole wanted to work it out so He moved her New York and she slept with every man that stepped foot in his office. It never felt right with her, then he changed subjects and ask an odd question