Scalding Hot Chocolate

by Jaliza A. Burwell

  I pretended to mock him, too tired and sleepy to handle his criticism like a lady.

  “Really, Maddie?” Koen asked in a dangerously low voice. Warning signs trailed through my body, my instinct telling me to lock up and beg for forgiveness, even if I hadn’t done anything wrong.

  Pushing those silly thoughts away, I cleared my throat. “No. Nope. Not at all. I’m not doing anything wrong.” The microwave beeped, and I took the cup out, dumping the contents of the packet into it. “Don’t mind me. I don’t really function before my morning hot chocolate.”

  Bryce snorted. “Don’t worry, Koen is the same way but with coffee. Try to talk to him before he has his coffee, and all he can do is bark and growl.”

  That had me snickering.

  “Someone, please tell me why we are getting up so early,” Dayton said as he shuffled into the room. “Oh, coffee.”

  He grabbed my cup before I could stop him and took a deep drink. His eyes widened and his mouth opened, the hot chocolate coming back out, spilling down his mouth and shirt.

  “What is that?” he asked, wiping at himself. Bryce was laughing as he grabbed paper towels and passed them over to Dayton.

  “That’s my hot chocolate.” I glared at the man. “I have emergency packets in my bag and you just drank my last one.”

  “Oh, shit. I think she just killed you and then buried you.” Bryce snickered.

  “I didn’t bury him, I fed him to the pigs,” I said.

  Bryce guffawed. “That works too.”

  Dayton gave me back my precious drink. I coddled the cup to me and sent a small growl of warning to Dayton.

  “Touch my drink again, and I’m cutting your fingers off with shears.”

  “That’s oddly specific. I’m sorry, so please don’t do that.” He held his hands up. “Meant no offense. I really did think it was coffee.”

  I wrinkled my nose in complete disgust. “You will never see me touch that poison. Ever.”

  “Hot chocolate is worse than coffee,” Dayton said.

  I gasped. “Hot chocolate is bliss in a cup. Coffee is the devil’s cocktail.”

  Bryce shook his head. “I’m pretty sure a devil’s cocktail would be something stronger than coffee, involving the harder stuff.”

  “Are the twins up?” Koen asked, turning around with a full plate of bacon.

  “They’re getting ready now,” I said. “They’re taking a quick shower, then they’ll be down.”

  We got the table set, teasing each other mercilessly. By the time Lawson and Lee made it down, I was laughing so hard I was snorting.

  “Who broke Sissy?” Lee asked, glaring at the three guys.

  “No one, big man,” Dayton said. “She’s malfunctioning on her own.”

  I laughed again, holding my side as pain stabbed through it.

  “Okay, sit down before you hurt yourself,” Koen mumbled, smiling as he helped me to a chair. The twins sat on either side of me, still giving me wary glances.

  Dayton brought out orange juice and poured everyone a drink. As soon as he sat down, we dove forward to fight for the best pieces of bacon and toast.

  Koen took it upon himself to make sure the three of us had fruit on our plate. The warning in his expression told us he expected we eat it too. I plopped a strawberry into my mouth to prove that I would. I couldn’t say about the other two though.

  Breakfast was super fun and it was really nice to spend it with the guys. Boy, did they have stories, and I got to learn so much more about them. With how they kept me laughing, I was going to finally have the abs I never cared about having.

  Bryce told us about the time Dayton’s sisters came by with a surprise visit and held the house hostage while they redesigned it to their standards. The three of them together were a hurricane that never stopped bickering with each other, and yet they seemed to always be able to get the job done.

  Koen told us about how Bryce did a year of volunteer work out in the world and he got mugged his first week abroad. Koen ended up flying out to see him and didn’t leave until he thought Bryce was smart enough to survive without him. He gave him a whole boot camp course on safety. I thought that was so cool, to do volunteer work in a foreign country, but also for Koen to take the time to go out and help him get settled.

  Dayton was more than happy to fill us in on how much Koen hated wearing suits and if they didn’t warn him that they were coming home with company, then their guests were in for a nice surprise because he preferred being naked after a day of wearing a suit. I had to admit, I was sad I hadn’t had a chance to see that part of him.

  “So what is your plan for the rest of the day?” Bryce asked.

  “We need to leave for church in a little bit, then we’re going to head home and go through our bounties.” I smirked. “Then the real fun starts.”

  The twins and I gave each other smirks mixed with resolve and determination.

  “Oh, what’s this real fun?” Dayton asked, his gaze moving between the three of us.

  “We haggle for our favorites.”

  “Sissy always ends up with more than we do,” Lee said. “Every year.”

  “That’s because you guys aren’t good at haggling,” I said.

  He scowled. “I’ll get more Milk Duds this year,” he whispered.

  I snickered. “Those are premium candies. You gotta give a lot to get a little.”

  Lawson grinned. “I’m going for all the Nerds this year.”

  “Oh?” I snorted. “Really now?”

  His grin was huge enough that I grew suspicious. “Yes. Really.”

  “We’ll see,” I mumbled.

  After they finished eating, I made them help clean up while I got all our things together. It felt weird to have so much of our things there but also felt nice. How could the guys feel so much like family so quickly, like a support system? It was really nice to have more people in my court.

  Goodbyes were quick with promises of see you laters as I herded the twins out the door.

  “I like them,” Lawson said as we drove back into Boston.

  “Me too,” Lee agreed.

  I laughed. “I’m glad because I like them too. They’re fun.”

  “They like to play with us. Felix didn’t like playing with us,” Lee said.

  That had me pausing for a moment. “Has… has Felix ever said or done anything to you?” I asked.

  I could see Lawson shaking his head in the back mirror. “No, he just didn’t want to play with us.”

  “Sometimes he’d yell at us to go away,” Lee said.

  I clenched my jaw, the self-hate growing strong. I should have known. My grip on the wheel tightened. I needed to have one last conversation with Felix because if he’d done anything inappropriate with my twins, I was going to string him up by his balls and let the twins use him as a piñata.

  Church was… church. I didn’t get the warm feeling that Koen talked about. I didn’t hear God. All I felt was relief in seeing the twins take something serious. Lawson and Lee enjoyed it, listening intently. Their eyes never strayed from the minister, and I could see their little brains absorbing it all. They loved it. I had to wonder if this was their way of finding an answer to Mandy’s death. Did this place give them the connection to their mother that they needed? I had wanted to talk with the minister for answers, but he was pulled into a serious conversation with an older woman who was crying, so I left him to it.

  Next time.

  We were back at my house, organizing our candy and eyeing each other’s hauls.

  “Lee,” I teased. “I’ll give you my Milk Duds if you give me four boxes of your Nerds.”

  “How is that fair?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “If you don’t want it then just say no. I’ll make a different deal.” I turn to Lawson. “Lawson, would you li—”

  “No! I’m interested. How about for two boxes of Nerds?” Lee asked, interrupting me and practically shoving Lawson away.

  “Three Nerds.”

&nb
sp; “Deal.”

  I grinned as we made the swap.

  The next couple of hours continued that way, with us trading our least liked candy for better ones. And yes, I did end up walking away with more than the others, and I had pretty darn high-quality candy.

  My phone rang while Lawson went on a diatribe about how unfair I was to them, that I was using their age and innocence against them. He tried using the fact that they were still little and that meant I should go easy on them.

  “Yeah,” I answered, thinking it was Kenni.

  “Maddie.” The familiar smooth voice was soft, cautious.

  “Felix?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise and looked down at the phone, seeing the identifying name on the screen: Felix Butthead.

  “Yeah. Listen, can we meet?”

  “Why?” I moved away from the twins. I pointed at them, at my pile of candy, and then did the universal ‘I’m watching you’ sign with my hands. I moved into my room and closed the door.

  Felix still hadn’t responded.

  “Why, Felix?”

  “The way we left off, the way it went down, that was just wrong. And I think we can both benefit from one last meet up.”

  “Then we’re done?” I asked.

  “Yes, then we’re done.”

  I bit my lip and glanced around the room, not sure what I wanted from him, if anything at all. If there was anything I wanted from him, it was the truth of how he’d treated the twins. His real feelings, unfiltered.

  “Okay. Tomorrow morning, usual time. I’ll be there after I drop off the twins at school.”

  “Okay, see you soon.” He hung up.

  I stared at the phone, wondering how I was supposed to feel.

  “Sissy! Lawson is stealing your candy!”

  I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath and released it before replying. “He better watch those fingers before he loses them!” I ran back into the living room, determined to save my candy before they put me into a hostage situation.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Flour’s was busy when I got in line. Felix wasn’t there yet, so I went for my hot chocolate. Frankly, even if he was there, I’d still make him wait while I got my drink. Our usual table was open, so I claimed it.

  I enjoyed my drink, watching as people came in and out. At this time, it was a lot of people off to work, needing a quick bite to eat first. There were some students, settling in for a few hours of misery as they did their work.

  A woman came in with a little girl only about two years old. The two of them were laughing as they got into line. I knew right away that she was a mother. It was the way she looked at her child, the way she made sure to keep the child in sight, and to keep herself between the child and strangers.

  Feeling a bit like a creeper, I watched them. And I realized something. I understood everything that was going on with her and the little girl, the little tricks she was using to make sure her kid was safe, because I used the same tricks.

  I was a mother too.

  Emotions welled up, but before I could completely process them, Felix’s face popped into view.

  “I’m glad you could meet with me,” he said, settling in across from me.

  “Yeah, well, I agree with you. We left in such a bad way.”

  Awkwardness spread between us for too long, and I was ready to strip naked, jump up on the table, and begin singing and dancing to break the quiet weirdness. That had never been an issue for us before. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing important and still have a fun time. But that was gone between us now.

  Meeting Dayton, Koen, and Bryce also showed me everything that Felix lacked, even in the beginning. Felix had no trouble being there when there was something to celebrate, when there was fun to be had. But if I got sick, if I had a bad day? I’d be lucky if he gave me a hug. I was extra lucky if he was willing to listen. I did it for him. I let him go on and on about how much he hated his job, how his boss was inept. He didn’t give me the same opportunity though.

  It was sad that I saw what support really meant through three people who I had just met two weeks ago. It was even crazier to think it’d only been that long with them when it felt like it had been a lot longer.

  “What are you thinking?” Felix asked.

  I shrugged. “It’s different already. We were apart for what, two weeks, and it already feels so different.”

  He gave me a wry smile. “I get it.”

  “We aren’t the same anymore. We can’t go back to what we were.” I sighed and played with my cup. My stomach was nauseous, and I felt like I was going to throw up. There we were, acting like adults as we talked this out. He wasn’t mad at me, and frankly, I was more hurt than mad with him.

  “Maddie, I did…” He shook his head. “No, that isn’t right. I do love you. I do.”

  “You just don’t love the twins.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t. And frankly, I don’t want to. And I shouldn’t have to.”

  “No, I understand,” I said. “Taking in the twins told me exactly the kind of man you are, Felix. You’re the type of man a person can’t rely on when times get tough.”

  “That isn’t fair to say, and you know it.”

  “But it’s true. You’re essentially telling me to give them up if I wish to be with you. That you aren’t willing to grow up when times get hard. I understand.”

  “Don’t be like that,” he pleaded.

  “No, I’m going to be like that.” I leaned forward. “Tell me something, tell me how you truly feel about the twins. Don’t bullshit, Felix. This is your moment to tell me the truth. Your real feelings.”

  “Fine.” He raised his hands up in frustration. “Fine. The twins… they’re good kids. But they aren’t anything I had planned in my life, not anytime soon. I’m not even sure if I want kids in the future. I can do without them.”

  “I see.” I swallowed my rising anger.

  He was right. I wasn’t being fair with him. He didn’t want kids, something he had said early on in our relationship, and at the time, I was in agreement. I couldn’t force him to change because of me. So, why did it hurt so darn much? It felt like I was someone easy to throw away because he didn’t want to deal with any of my burdens. What kind of relationship was that?

  I thought about Dayton, who never blinked when he learned I was their guardian, or Bryce who had no trouble playing with them when he found them encroaching into his home. Or Koen, who was willing to fight so hard for them to be where they belonged. They never, not once, made me feel like they were a burden as we built a friendship. In fact, I’d say it was because of Lawson and Lee that I was able to meet and grow close with the three men.

  They accepted the twins. Never saw them as a burden.

  And that said a lot about Felix.

  The lingering anger disappeared with those last thoughts, and by the wariness in Felix’s expression, he knew something was up. His eyes widened when I met them, and the hand he had resting on the table curled into a fist. He saw that they weren’t there anymore, the emotions, the thing that had brought us together.

  “So this is where we are now,” he said in a low voice.

  “Strangers once again.”

  “Maddie, it doesn’t have to be like that.”

  I shook my head. “It does because we’re in completely different places now. I never thought I’d be at this point in my life, not anytime soon, if at all. Some days, I have bags and bags of issues that I’m trying to work through. But those kids, they make me better every day. They may be my nephews, but I’m their mother now, and I won’t change that for anyone. Not even you. Do you honestly think we can remain friends when I have the knowledge that you don’t even like my kids?”

  “It’s not that I don’t like them.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “It’s that you don’t want to grow up. You want to be a twenty-something-year-old man for the rest of your life. A life without any family commitments.”

  “Maddie, that isn’t ho
w this is.”

  “But it is, because the moment life threw you a curveball, you failed. You say you love me, and you know I love those children and won’t give them up. You know their situation is precarious. And yet, you’d rather I give them up so I can be with you.” I shook my head. “I may act childish, but at least I know when to act like an adult.”

  “I don’t want it to end like this, with you mad at me.”

  “I’m not mad at you, Felix. I’m only severely disappointed in you as a man. As a human being. But I can’t be mad at you, and you’re right, I can’t blame you. It is what it is.” I stood up, grabbing my purse. It was pretty warm outside for now, so I didn’t have a coat. “It was nice dating you, Felix. And I wish you well in the future.”

  I went over and gave him one final kiss. There was nothing there when our lips met, telling me that I was making the right decision. This was our goodbye. He sat there in shock, staring at me with a broken expression. I didn’t know what to do with that. For the last time, I said a goodbye to Felix and left, feeling a weird mixture of lightness and sadness.

  With my whirling thoughts driving me crazy, I went for a walk, heading down Storrow Drive along the Charles River. The area was my favorite place to walk and think, with the river off to my right, and a clear walking path away from the road so I didn’t feel like I was going to get run over by an idiot going too fast and ending up jumping the curb.

  Runners passed me at impossible speeds… for me. I’d never run that fast. I’d have been lucky to do a mile under twenty minutes. These people ran marathons for a living with six-minute miles. They were crazy.

  What I said to Felix was more truth than I was prepared to admit to. I didn’t even think that way until I told him, but nothing I said was a lie. Lawson and Lee were my everything. I’d do anything for them, including eating my own hand if it meant they’d be safe and healthy.

  They made me feel like a mom, even if they didn’t come out of my vagina.

  My phone beeped at me as my alarm went off, breaking me from my thoughts. I had a meeting with a potential client. I wiped at my face, wiping away any signs of distress.