The Nickel Man

by Brian Stableford

  NEWTON: I admit that the consequence is accurate.

  HEROMONDAS: A fourth example. After having affirmed that the Earth exerts an attraction on bodies plunged in its atmosphere, you have advanced, O sublime Newton, that that attraction must extended as far as the moon and the planets. Your theory was so seductive, and its adoption has procured us so much glory, that we have made every effort to corroborate it in seeking proofs endlessly by means of numerous experiments. But those proofs, unfortunately, have been vain, and those experiments have turned against us, without our even perceiving it. In fact, by his experiments on the second pendulum, Bouguer9 has recognized that in the mountains of Peru, the diminution of weight was already very sensible at low distances, and one can see that if he had been able to continue his experiments at a greater height, he would have been obliged hasten his pendulum to zero at a height no greater than half the diameter of the Earth. At that limit, therefore, gravity would no longer have exercised its empire over the pendulum; thus, it is restricted to our atmosphere and cannot extend to the moon, let alone the planets.

  NEWTON: Oh, how theories, the savorous fruit of our imagination, deceive us! But can they all be false? No, no, and I hope that my theory of colors and light, at least, is sheltered from the darts of criticism.

  HEROMONDAS: Unfortunately, that satisfaction is also refused to you, O supreme dictator!

  NEWTON: If that is so, it is necessary to abandon those theories with a good grace.

  HEROMONDAS: Not at all. On the contrary, it is necessary to hold firm, scorn the storm that is threatening us and try to intimidate our adversaries with our bold countenance—for otherwise, what would become of our celebrated names?

  NEWTON: I consent to that; but then we ought to maintain ourselves purely on the defensive and abandon the project of having the manuscript On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences judged, for how can that which is sound be condemned?

  HEROMONDAS: Is that the truth? You’re going to have that writing condemned?

  VOLTAIRE: Yes, we’ve almost obtained that from Urania, by presenting her with a copy of the work, which a Genius was able to obtain. Look, here’s another copy.

  HEROMONDAS: You delight me! Courage! Pursue your enterprise; it’s the sole means of ensuring our honor.

  NEWTON: But what if the public overturns the favorable judgment that Urania will pronounce?

  HEROMONDAS: The public? Ha! How can it be a judge in cases of this kind? In matters of science, it criticizes or applauds without knowing, and it reads very few essays that treat subjects of his sort, which are beyond its scope. So criticize, judge and condemn as much as you wish; the public will always share your opinion, because these matters are mysteries so far as it is concerned; it is accustomed to regarding us as oracles, especially when we talk geometry and algebra. In any case, in scrutinizing your decisions, it fears giving proof of great ignorance. But what’s this? Do I not see Pluche and Bernardin de Saint-Pierre? How can you suffer those two detractors among you?

  PEMBERTON: They have come to defend On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences.

  Scene Four

  The previous, Pluche and Bernardin de Saint-Pierre

  PLUCHE: When did you arrive, Heromondas? Newton must certainly have a singular pleasure in seeing you here, for that scientist has no athlete who has fought more valiantly for his cause than you. But if I can believe certain unfavorable rumors, that cause is beginning to decline on the surface of the Earth.

  HEROMONDAS: You’re mistaken, Pluche. Only those who do not know where scientific beauty resides do not admire the illustrious author of the theory of universal gravitation, but any mind that has even a mediocre education would be ashamed not to yield to Newton the tribute of homage that his divine genius demands.

  BERNARDIN DE SAINT-PIERRE: If the news that we receive from France is not apocryphal, it appears that the divine genius is already the object of severe criticism. Have we not heard mention of a certain manuscript in which the author makes known the optical property of our atmosphere?

  HEROMONDAS: What silliness are you saying, my dear Bernardin de Saint-Pierre? Is the terrestrial atmosphere a telescope?

  PLUCHE: In that regard, however, the author’s reasoning seems convincing.

  HEROMONDAS: To you, no doubt, but not to us. In any case, if our atmosphere had that optical property, would we be unaware of it?

  PLUCHE: Is anything more lucid than what he says about the amplification of the apparent diameter of heavenly bodies, which, without the atmosphere, would appear to us as small on the horizon as at the zenith?

  HEROMONDAS: Crazy talk! The author does indeed strive to prove that amplification, but we’re incredulous and will not let him say it. He’s talking to rocks. But to show you that the manuscript, a copy of which was given to me when I arrived, is only good for trampling beneath the feet of the assembly, I’ll throw this copy into your midst. Woe betide anyone who picks it up!

  AESOP: Well, Aesop will be that unlucky man; I’ll take possession of the manuscript in order to find out for myself whether what it contains is good or bad, true or false, and I’ll read it attentively over here.

  HEROMONDAS, to Newton and his adherents: Aesop is among us! Why didn’t you warn me, inconsiderate Geniuses? I would have held on to the work, and would have refrained from chattering as I did in the first moments after my arrival, because that ape once showed in servitude that he has excellent common sense.

  VOLTAIRE: What do you have to fear?

  HEROMONDAS: Nothing, but it’s not good to reveal certain secrets that one ought to keep hidden.

  VOLTAIRE: Undoubtedly, but what use can that runt make of it? Let him absorb himself in reading the work that will be condemned by Urania, for her judgment must be favorable to us; I say that before its defenders.

  PLUCHE: Hope so, but don’t count on it, for Urania won’t judge the text without hearing us, and we’ll be able to defend it—we’re French.

  POPE: And we’re English.

  PEMBERTON: English, French—that’s irrelevant in this matter. Newton’s detractors will have to submit to their condemnation without recourse, and that’s so certain that I’ll wager a thousand guineas on it.

  BERNARDIN DE SAINT-PIERRE: There’s a cabal here, Pluche, but let’s not be discouraged. Let’s defend the work that contains so many new and undoubtedly true things. The honor of the fatherland might be at stake.

  PLUCHE: You can count on me. However, let’s not insult Urania by thinking that she might show herself to be unjust. No, she’ll weight the reasoning of both parties equitably in her balance, and the truth will prevail.

  VOLTAIRE: Perhaps. But in the meantime, you’re isolated and not very numerous; we’re united and very numerous; and as we shall try to have votes counted, our cause will triumph.

  PLUCHE: If it’s the more just

  VOLTAIRE: It must be and it will be. But what are we doing here? We’re wasting time in futile discussions. The hour of judgment has come. Let Urania appear, judge and condemn our adversaries. Let’s speak to the Concierge. Hey, someone!

  PEMBERTON: Someone’s opening it’s the Concierge.

  Scene Five

  The preceding, and the Concierge of Urania’s palace

  CONCIERGE: What do you want, O Geniuses?

  VOLTAIRE: That the powerful Urania should mount her throne to strike down with her decrees the vile contradictors of our incomparable Geometer, and above all to condemn without recourse the recent text entitled On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences.

  CONCIERGE: I was waiting before notifying you of Urania’s will for you to put an end to the vain declamations with which you’re making the palace walls resound. I’ve been ordered to choose a judge from among you.

  POPE: What luck!

  NEWTON: By that signal favor Urania has shown her equitable impartiality, and we ask that it please her to name for a judge the celebrated Heromondas, freshly arrived here, and whom you see before you.

  CONCIERG
E: That cannot be. That scientist has long shown the greatest partiality for you, and it is to be feared that his prejudices would influence the judgment he pronounced. Would you like Pluche or Bernardin de Saint-Pierre?

  POPE: Neither. If Heromondas is a declared partisan of the illustrious Newton, they have not hidden the fact that they are his contradictors. In any case, they’re French and would doubtless be glad to see the balance tipped in favor of a text that seems to be the work of a Frenchman. Appoint Pemberton.

  BERNARDIN DE SAINT-PIERRE: We challenge him.

  CONCIERGE: Why?

  PLUCHE: Because he’s English and a friend of Newton, the same suspicions might be born in the mind of a Frenchman that an Englishman has conceived against the French.

  CONCIERGE: That’s true.

  PEMBERTON: Install the physicist Sgravesande,10 then, who is coming toward us accompanied by Monsieur Jouroufle. That physicist belongs neither to France nor Great Britain, so he will be neutral. How can he give umbrage, since, being Dutch, he has no interest n tipping the balance unjustly. You can take my word for it.

  PLUCHE: I challenge him too.

  CONCIERGE: For what reason?

  PLUCHE: Because he was the first to raise the trumpet to publish the excellence of the English geometer, and he did so with such effrontery that even a Newtonian has not been able to avoid calling him a fanatical partisan of Newton.11

  CONCIERGE: Before condemning him it’s necessary to hear him. Let him approach in order that I might ascertain what is in his soul, but let no one speak to him before I do.

  Scene Six

  The preceding, Sgravesande, Jouroufle

  CONCIERGE: Sgravesande, you doubtless know that in order to repress the contradictors of Newton, we are to pass judgment today on On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences?

  SGRAVESANDE: Yes, that is the subject that brought me here.

  CONCIERGE: What do you think of Newton?

  SGRAVESANDE: That he is an excellent, divine mind; that he has never been mistaken, that all his conceptions are imprinted with the seal of immortality and that his slightest ideas are strokes of genius. So I have come here to stand up against his critic, and have the latter’s work condemned. But in order that the affair can be expedited sooner, I have drafted the edict of his condemnation and have brought it to Urania in order that she can sign it immediately without reading it.

  CONCIERGE: Good, that’s sufficient; let’s look for another judge.

  PEMBERTON: You’ll search in vain throughout the universe. If you take one from among the geometer-astronomers, he’ll think like Sgravesande, because Newton’s merit has convinced and delighted them all.

  PLUCHE: And also because, having divided his work between them, they have an interest in defending his glory; in going to war for Newton they’re fighting for themselves.

  CONCIERGE: Well then, it’s necessary to eliminate the enthusiasts and contradictors from the tribunal; I want to establish as a judge a man who, having known nothing about his theories until today, will be exempt from all prejudice or partisan spirit. It will be sufficient that he judges in accordance with veritable common sense.

  PEMBERTON: I advise you to go to look for that judge among the geniuses of antiquity.

  CONCIERGE: Pemberton, your advice is good and will be followed. Indeed, I see Aesop here, who lived in remote centuries. I appoint him as your judge. Approach, Aesop, mount your tribunal, and show in that new dignity the same intelligence that you manifested in slavery.

  HEROMONDAS: Aesop is our judge?

  SGRAVESANDE: What! That grotesque individual?

  VOLTAIRE: Yes, him! Quickly, fetch a sculptor; tell him to come with his chisel and promptly rough-hew that formless mass, in order not to frighten the amiable companions of Urania.

  POPE: He’ll never make an Adonis of him.

  CONCIERGE: No, he’s no more an Adonis than you are, but he has his share of common sense, which is worth more than all the graces of the body.

  HEROMONDAS: But remember, illustrious guardian of the palace, that Aesop is not initiated into the elevated mysteries of geometry, and in order to be able to weigh the merit of the great Newton, it is necessary to begin by adopting his ideas and making use of his principles and methods.

  CONCIERGE: That is exactly what you have all done, and that is what has led you astray. To judge in a case that ought to revolve around the natural phenomena exposed to all eyes, it only requires intelligence and common sense, and in that regard, Aesop does not cede to any genius. Aesop, here is your tribunal; remember that you have been appointed a judge to disentangle the false from the true and hold the balance accurately.

  NEWTON, to his friends: Not wanting to witness the debates, I shall retire for a while, Defend my cause yourselves.

  Scene Seven

  The preceding, with the exception of Newton and the Concierge, the latter having gone back into Urania’s palace

  AESOP: What is it about, Geniuses that I see present here?

  PEMBERTON: We have come to defend Newton, the incomparable English geometer, and we request the condemnation of On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences, which has dared to attack his divine systems.

  AESOP: Who are his accusers?

  PEMBERTON, SGRAVESANDE, HEROMONDAS: Me. Me. Me.

  AESOP: There are three of you, then?

  JOUROUFLE: And me too, Seigneur Aesop; I would like that honor.

  AESOP: What is your name?

  JOUROUFLE: I have the advantage of being named in all letters Monsieur Jouroufle.

  AESOP: That name announces nothing good, but appearances are often deceptive.

  JOUROUFLE: Yes, Monsieur Aesop, and one can spin one’s yarn like anyone else, for such as you see me, I’m a former porter of an academy in Auvergne, profound in the science of numbers, and hence savant in all genres, endowed with an admirable loquacity, and advantaged by an exquisite discernment.

  AESOP: That’s as may be. Who are the defenders of On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences?

  PLUCHE, BERNARDIN DE SAINT-PIERRE: We are.

  JOUROUFLE: Good! They’re only two, and we’re four.

  AESOP: You, accusers of On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences, what grievances to you allege?

  PEMBERTON, SGRAVESANDE: Several. Several.

  AESOP: Enunciate them—but each speak in your turn.

  SGRAVESANDE: One would never finish if it were necessary to list them all. They are constant, numerous and damnable. What sin is greater, in fact, than that of criticizing the great Newton? The text that we are denouncing has committed it; it is therefore guilty, and you cannot dispense with condemning it. Hasten, then, to pronounce its condemnation, and if you judge it worthy of the fire, I shall execute the sentence myself.

  AESOP: You’re going very quickly, Sgravesande. You want to burn the book without having heard its defense! The passion you’re showing in this affair warns me to be on my guard in order not to be taken by surprise.

  JOUROUFLE: O Sgravesande, Monseigneur Aesop is right to be annoyed. What, you begin with insults? Do you not know that at the beginning of a speech it’s necessary to handle one’s judge with velvet gloves? Then again, an exordium ought to be simple, polished and modest. Oh, if only I had spoken!

  SGRAVESANDE: And what would you have done? Clear water!

  JOUROUFLE: Clear water? Oh, Monsieur de Sgravesande, you do not know all of my little talent. In your place, I would have softened up my judge with my caresses, in order that I could bring him to my feet. Try.

  HEROMONDAS: Well, since your talent can bring about this miracle, we cede the floor to you. Speak, but speak well. Raise yourself up to Newton’s height.

  JOUROUFLE: Allow me; I shall raise myself up as far as the eye can see rather than trail on the earth in speaking of our great geometer, and I know by heart all of Bailly, who is full of such beautiful things in favor of that supreme dictator. I shall begin.

  Monseigneur Aesop, how consoling it is for illustrious Genius
es to have to speak before the most celebrated of all Phrygians, before the admirable intelligence that was the honor of his century and who, by his allegorical conceptions, made fortune blush for having so disadvantaged him in terms of his birth, wealth and physique.