by Laine Watson
He doesn’t.
I dry my hands off on my apron and leave the rice pilaf to simmer with the chicken.
“Haru,” I peep, leaning on the side of the island. “Did you have a good day?”
He scratches his neck, still never lifting his eyes to me. As he nods, he searches for something.
“What are you looking for? Maybe I can help.”
“Nothing,” he answers casually, as if his mind is a million miles away. He almost passes right by me as I scale around the island near him.
“Haru,” I call. The closer I get to him, the more I feel his anxiety, his restlessness. I reach out to him, and finally, he stops moving and stares into my eyes. His eyes are filled with fear and uneasiness. That must be why he’s not looking at me, he doesn’t want me to see them.
I caress his face. His eyes veer away from mine as he stares toward the steps.
“Where’s Max?”
“He’s playing in his room.” I expect Haru to stare back at me. Instead, his face slips away from my hand.
“I’ll be upstairs.” He turns away from me.
“Could you kiss me. Could you look at me? Please,” I beg, in a desperate, quiet voice.
Haru turns around to me; our eyes lock. The sadness and defeat that lingers around his makes my eyes water.
“I’m sorry. My head is in a weird place,” he confesses as he walks back toward me and places his lips on mine.
I wrap my arms around his neck and fall into his passionate, dark kiss. It’s as if he is pouring his doubts and fears into my body. I want him to; I can handle them. I’ll take them if it means he won’t be sad.
My arms fall from his neck; as he pulls away from me, our eyes meet.
“How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?” I ask.
“Not really. I’m still taking the pain meds. I have to go back in a few weeks to see if it worked.”
“Then we can have a baby?”
Haru nods and closes his eyes painfully, almost as if he is about to cry.
“Right. At least no one could try to take them away from us.” His voice cracks.
I sigh sharply, not knowing how to address that statement, so I ignore it.
“Max is in his room. He doesn’t know you’re home, or he would have been down here. You should go surprise him. I’ll call you guys when dinner is ready.” I smile, awkwardly, sad.
He smiles woefully and kisses me once more before heading upstairs.
I let out a deep breath and lean back on the island.
He’s so sad. If we could have sex, would he feel better or less stressed about everything? He won’t even talk to me about how he’s feeling.
I shake off my thoughts and head back over to the stove to check on the rice pilaf and chicken. It’s tender and smells delicious. I add in steamed broccoli and mix it all together. I set three plates on the island. We’re going to eat in the den and watch a movie like we always do. When I’m done, I stand at the stairs.
“Haru! Max! Dinner’s ready.”
Max comes running down the stairs.
“What are we having?” he asks, taking a plate from the island. He walks over to the stove. “Aw, man, it’s all together.”
“You don’t like it together?” I ask, meeting him at the stove.
“It’s okay, I guess,” he says as Haru quietly comes down the stairs.
“What’s wrong?” he says as I make Max’s plate.
“Nothing,” Max answers. “It’s just sometimes the broccoli is all smushy.”
I laugh. “Smushy isn’t a word, Max.”
“I know it’s not a word. I made it up. It’s smashed and mushy.”
“You like it crunchy?” I ask. “There is still some in the steamer, you want that?”
“Yes, please.” Max smiles big.
I open the steamer and give him the rest of the broccoli. He grabs a fork off the island and takes his plate from me and heads to the den.
“Thanks, Mom! I’m picking the movie, okay?” He informs us.
I laugh. “Nothing scary, something without blood and gore, please. We’re eating.” I take a plate from the island. “Do you also dislike smushy broccoli?”
Haru smiles. “Any kind of broccoli is fine with me.”
The moment isn’t right for what I want to say. Maybe Haru is just getting by without the mention of someone trying to take Max from us, but my words slip out effortlessly. “Are you okay?” I ask affectionately. “Are we going to talk about—”
“No.”
“But Haru—”
“I said no! Don’t ask me again!”
I gasp and step back, Haru’s raised voice strains my chest and makes it hard to breathe.
“Dad.” Max appears in the hall. “What’s wrong? Why are you yelling?”
I take the scared look off my face, so Max doesn’t see it. I smile as his eyes shoot over to me.
“Sorry, Max.” Haru calms down.
“You don’t like smushy broccoli either?”
Haru arches his neck as his lips part and darts his eyes over at me. He cracks his knuckles as his hand rests on the table.
Max doesn’t wait for him to answer. “That’s okay. You don’t have to yell at Mom about it. She didn’t know. You can have some of my crunchy broccoli.” Max bows his head. “I’m sorry I took it all.”
Haru’s shoulders fall. “Buddy, I didn’t mean to get upset. I’m sorry, princess.” Haru stares at me, conveying his “I’m sorry” with his eyes.
“Dad,” Max says. “You’re making a big deal out of broccoli.”
“You have no idea how important this broccoli is.” He stares longingly into Max’s unaware eyes.
“I do,” I say, extending my arm across the island to take Haru’s hand. He stiffens me with a piercing gaze.
“I know.”
“Are you going to eat it, Dad?” Max asks, innocently.
“Yeah, we’ll be right in. Give us a minute,” Haru answers.
“Okay.” He heads back to the den but turns around. “Can I have juice with dinner?”
“Yeah, I’ll bring you a juice box.” I smile.
“Thanks, Mom.” He goes back to the den.
My eyes veer toward Haru.
“I’m sorry for yelling, but I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now. I have to figure out how I’m going to approach this. I want to make the right choices for Max, for you. I think we should get a lawyer.”
“Give it some time, Haru, please. When you’re not angry, let’s talk about it. There is probably a better solution than fighting in court.”
“When am I not going to be angry, Summer?”
“I just think maybe you should find out more about the situation. I’m okay with getting a lawyer for gathering information.”
Haru sighs and nods. “I’ll think about it.”
I make his plate. He kisses me and joins Max in the den.
I don’t make my plate right away. The overwhelming sadness and inadequacy I feel takes my appetite away.
I grab my phone to call my mother, but the thoughts of her words from our last call run through my mind, shrinking me. I close my eyes tightly, furrowing my eyebrows.
I don’t know what to do, or even how to talk to Haru. This isn’t about the wedding, it’s about Max. Maybe she’ll listen.
I open my screen and call her. The phone rings three times.
“What do you want, Summer?” My mother answers coldly.
I stare forward. “Mom, this isn’t about the wedding.”
“Then what is it about?”
“Um, I need your help. Max needs your help.”
“With what?”
“Max’s grandmother is trying to take Max from us. Do we need a lawyer? Can’t we fix it without involving one?”
After a moment of silence, all I hear is a mocking low laugh. “Too much for you? This happens with adults. Hard things come, and they don’t go running to their mothers like an adolescent.”
I gasp at the s
cornful contempt in her tone, the coldness of it. “Mom, I’m just asking for your advice.”
“I will give you no such thing. Don’t call me when you need help. Either you come home and stop this nonsense—”
“It’s not nonsense. This is my life. And I’m asking for your help, that’s all. Just tell me what I should do? How can I help Haru?”
“You can’t. You’re a child. You wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a parent and all that it entails. There is nothing you can do for him. And even if there were, I wouldn’t tell you. You’re such a grown woman, figure it out yourself. The woman is what holds a house together. Can you do that? You’re about to fall apart right now, and you haven’t even gotten married.”
“Mom, you’re not even listening. None of what you say makes sense; you’re contradicting yourself every other sentence.”
“I don’t want to listen to you. You come running to me to fix your grown-up problems. Handle it yourself. Get off my phone.”
Her hanging up on me brings on the tears. I refuse to let them drop. I stand up straight and take a deep, tense breath.
I hate her.
Chapter Twenty-Two: To Darby’s
Haru doesn’t want to talk, but I do. We both have our feelings on the subject. Haru wants to get a lawyer, and I want to go to the hearing. To avoid a fight, I leave my smile open to interpretation, but I can’t do that forever.
As I prepare dinner, I receive a phone call.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hey. What’s going on? I’ve called a couple times. You haven’t answered. Everything’s okay, right? It’s been a few weeks.”
“Uh, yeah. Everything’s fine,” I say, stirring the pasta sauce with a wooden spoon. “We’ve just been busy.”
“Too busy to plan your own wedding?”
“Well, that’s your job.”
“Yeah, and you’re not allowing me to do my job. We have the first fitting coming up. Is Mira available this week? We have to have it all done this week, so we’ll have everything. We leave for Japan on the twenty-second. We only have a little over two months.”
The twenty-second. That’s right. I hope we can figure this out. I hope Haru doesn’t get mad. I have to talk to someone.
“Darby,” I call to her and take a few quiet breaths. “Max’s grandmother is trying to take Max.”
“What?”
“We have a hearing coming up in a couple of weeks, and I guess if things aren’t settled then, we’re going to get a lawyer and go to court. The official court date is three days before the wedding, and who knows how many court dates are going to be after that?”
“Haru’s mom is trying to take him?”
“No, Max’s mother’s mom. Haru is either angry or sad. He doesn’t really have any other emotions. I’m so stressed out, Darby. I don’t know how to help him. I feel like an awful person because...”
“Because what?”
“Because—I’m sorry for even talking to you about this.” I sniffle. “We haven’t had sex since we’ve been back. First, it was because of the vasectomy, and yes, it’s only been four weeks. He’s supposed to wait six, but he hasn’t even tried to or even talked about it. There are other things we can do than penetration.”
“You really are bent out of shape about this.”
“I know! Why am I thinking about sex? He’s about to lose his son, and I’m worried about having sex. What’s happening to my mind? Why am I not worried about this? I just think there’s a misunderstanding or something. It’s been years. She’s the one who contacted Haru, so something else is going on. Haru refuses to even talk about it, though.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your mind. You feel disconnected from him, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do. I don’t like seeing him like this. He doesn’t even want to go to the hearing.”
“So, everything is not all right. I can come if you need me.”
“Thank you, but I don’t know. This summer was supposed to be a great summer. We’re getting married. We were supposed to spend the whole summer together—me, Haru, and Max. It’s like Haru’s not even here. Max knows nothing, and Haru lets him do anything now. He doesn’t have a time to go to bed—that’s not a big deal because he can’t stay up any later than ten— but Haru’s just different.”
“Where’s Max now?”
“He’s on a playdate. Haru’s picking him up. They should be on their way home. I’m cooking dinner.” I stare down at the sauce. “I’ve been stirring this sauce for like a half-hour.” I chuckle, sadly.
As I turn the burner off, the door opens. Max slides his shoes off.
“Hi, Mom!” He waves, flying up the staircase.
“Hi.” I giggle.
“Was that Max?” Darby asks.
“Yeah, they just walked in. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Don’t forget. I still have some things to ask about the wedding.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I sigh anxiously as Haru slowly takes his shoes off. I leave the sauce on a different burner and meet Haru at the edge of the kitchen. His eyes are distant as he sinks his chin into his chest and lays his hands on my shoulders.
I gently pull him down by his tie and kiss him. His lips taste so warm and sweet; I close my eyes to fall into it more. He doesn’t deny me.
When I open my eyes, Haru stares at me with a curious smirk.
“You’re happy today.”
“Yeah, I got off early, picked up Max. We hung out for a while.” His eyes peer deeply into me as his smile turns into a worried frown.
“What happened to his playdate?”
“Didn’t take him.”
I sigh, my heart reaching out to him. I have to tell him how I feel; I can’t keep it from him anymore. “We should go to the hearing, Haru.”
“We should get a lawyer and put this to rest before the hearing.”
“Get a lawyer, then, if you think it’s best. I think it would be a waste of money and creating enemies when we don’t have to.”
“They’ve probably been building a case this whole time!”
“Of what, Haru? You’re a great dad. You’ve never been to jail; Max has a great life, and you’re his dad. Max is happy and loves us. We’re getting ready to get married. We are a solid family. There’s no reason the courts would rule against you. If they actually try to, then we fight. There’s no reason to fight right now.”
“There is! They sent a subpoena. She started the fight!”
“Maybe she just wants to see him. Maybe she’s willing to negotiate.”
“No. No. It’s not up for negotiation, Summer.”
“With that attitude, it’s going to be ugly. It shouldn’t be, for Max’s sake.”
Skipping feet, happily trample down the stairs.
“You don’t have any kids, so you don’t know what it feels like when somebody thinks they have the right to take them from you!”
“Max is my son!”
“No, he’s not!”
I step back, my heart shattering; the air in my windpipes becomes thin. My face contorts as tears build in my eyes. My eyes squint with the pressure. Haru’s face is angry and not apologetic. My mom was right.
I glance to my left to see Max’s wide, teary eyes and pouted lips as he stands on the third step.
“Max.” Haru gasps deeply as his face becomes apologetic. He reaches toward him. Max flings Haru’s hands away, jumping off the steps and backing into the living room.
“Why are you yelling at Summer?” Max folds his arms.
Summer? Not Mom? My chest hollows, my legs wobble, barely keeping me upright. My whole life, the only reason I had to exist is a lie, and my mom knew it.
Haru looks to me, reaching out. I, in the same manner as Max, snatch myself away from him.
“Don’t touch me.” I whimper.
Haru turns to face him. “Max, go to your room.”
“No.” Max stands firmly.
“I said, ‘GO TO YOUR ROOM!’” Haru barks at Max.
I step back with a deep inhale, the tone of his voice sending a frozen streak through my body and I cover my mouth with my hands.
Max has never jumped at Haru’s voice. For a split-second, Max’s face shows deep and trembling fear. The next moment Max’s face disfigures, his lips quiver, and tears stream down his face. He stomps.
“Why are you yelling!” Max asks, his tiny voice roaring through the house. “You never yell! Stop yelling!” His voice goes up to a high pitch whimper. He runs up the stairs, crying.
Haru’s bottom lip trembles as he breathes in through his nose, his face pained. He glances over at me. “Summer...”
“Don’t-don’t talk to me.” I head to our bedroom.
“Please, please, don’t walk away from me. I need you.”
I turn around in the middle of the hall, his words sinking into my heart and piercing it.
“No, you don’t. You don’t look at me as Max’s mother. I’m just the fucking babysitter. My mom was right. I’m convenient. I don’t ask for much, and Max has a little playmate. With a nice pussy! I cook, I clean, whatever you need. I’m just the help. This is just a fun thing for you to do: playing house with the little virgin girl who lets you fuck her for room and board. For me, it’s real.”
“Stop talking like that. Watch your fucking mouth. You know that’s not true! That’s your mom talking; she’s getting in your head.”
“You don’t tell me what to do. I told you to stop talking to me like I’m a child. You think you have two kids, you sick fuck! Is that why you want me to call you Daddy?!”
“You’re acting like a child.”
“I’m the only one who’s acting like an adult. I keep telling you the best thing is to talk to these people. Talk to his grandma. He is her grandson. She deserves to see him. His mother died. You’re being an asshole.”
“Summer...” Haru calls agitated, an angry undertone to his voice.
“When you had the chance to get to know your grandparents, you chose not to, just like you’re choosing to be a douche now. Don’t put Max on the same isolated road as you. Getting married in this castle has nothing to do with giving your parents a happy memory, it’s so you’ll feel good about yourself. This has nothing to do with me or Max. And to think I believed all that crap you were saying. And I sucked your dick! I don’t do that.”
