by Laine Watson
“Summer, please. Max’ll hear you.”
“Don’t worry. You don’t have to worry about my foul mouth and Max hearing anything I say.” I march down the hall to the bedroom. I swing a suitcase out of the hall closet before I get there.
“What are you doing?” Haru hurries toward me.
“Stay away from me!” I go into the room and throw the luggage on the bed.
Haru appears in the doorway.
“I said ‘go away!’” I throw the nearest item, which is a gold alarm clock, at the door.
He disappears. “Princess, you’re being way dramatic.”
“Don’t talk to me.” I toss a decent amount of clothes and shoes into the suitcase and close it. “Asshole.”
“Princess, come on. Why are you doing this?” I almost give in to his sweet apologetic tone. “Now you’re the one not communicating.”
How dare he throw my shit in my face!
I snap the suitcase shut and grab it. I try to calm down just in case Max is downstairs.
“Princess...”
“Stop calling me princess!” I yell at him. “You said Max isn’t mine! I’m not his mom, and I don’t understand how you feel!”
“I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but you can’t possibly know what it’s like to have the only thing that’s keeping me alive, the only reason I try so hard, the only thing that ever has been in my heart, taken from me. If it weren’t for Max, there’s no way I would have fallen in love with you.”
I take a deep breath and prepare to face Haru.
As I make my way out into the hallway, my heart sinks to the soles of my shoes. I can’t even look at Haru; his eyes are full of sorrow and regret.
“I don’t care what you say. You will not say whatever you want to me. You will not make me feel like I don’t matter. I won’t deal with that from you and my mother. I just won’t.”
“I don’t mean to make you feel that way. Could you just stop for a moment?”
“No. You’re wrong. I do know how it feels to have the reason for your existence snatched out from under you. You just did it to me.” I sniff, tears building in my eyes and before I can speak, they run down my face. “That’s exactly how I felt about you and Max. My entire world. But just like everything else, it’s fake.”
“No...” He gently folds his fingers around my wrists.
“Let go of me.”
“Please, Summer.”
“I don’t want to pretend. I’m old enough to handle the truth.” I kiss his cheek. For just a moment, I’m about to give into Haru, but I gain my stability. Even if I do love him, I can’t allow him to treat me like I’m not important in this relationship. I step back from him, fully angry again. “I’m not giving you the ring back.” My wrists fall as his grip loosens.
He takes one step back and arches his neck. “What are you saying?”
“I will not marry you, Haru.” I move to the right and march confidently down the hallway toward the door.
“Summer. What-what—no, y—you can’t do this.”
I say nothing as he follows me to the door. I open it.
“Summer—Princess, please...” He stands near the doorway.
I stare him in his eyes, as much as it hurts. “I hope she gets to see Max. He’s an amazing kid. I love him so much. He deserves to have all of his family surrounding him.”
“We love you.”
I shake my head. “He needs to know his entire family. It’s unfair for you to be so selfish and not even consider how he might feel. Have you even asked him if he remembers her? And if he does, if he misses her? How does she feel? Maybe she thought it was a good idea at first, but maybe she misses him and she made a mistake or something. I don’t know. You’re not even willing to find out. I hope it works out for you. For Max’s sake.” I slam the door behind me.
I put my luggage in the trunk. Half assuming Haru will come outside to beg me back, but he doesn’t. I get in the car, stick the key in the ignition, and the engine quietly hums.
I take off.
Where am I going? The only place I can go right now—to Darby’s.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Of Course
When I knock on Darby’s door in the middle of the night, she doesn’t answer right away; rightly so. In fact, she doesn’t answer at all. When the door opens, I’m startled to find Hayden behind it.
I step back, my lips parting a bit. My chest tightens.
“Summer,” he says, groggily.
“Where’s Darby?” I ask, my voice unwavering and absent of sadness.
“Uh, I can wake her up.” He opens the door a little.
I nod.
“Hold on, let me get her,” he says as I step into the apartment and close the door.
He stops in mid-stride. “Did something happen between you and Arima?”
I huff subtly. “Will you please get Darby?”
“Right.” He continues on.
I crack my neck, gently rubbing it and pressing my fingers into my skin. For a split second, I imagine Haru’s hands comforting me. The person who has hurt me and pissed me off is the person who I want to comfort me.
Darby straggles out into the living room.
“What the hell, Summer? It’s three in the morning.” She squints at me, flopping on the sofa.
“Hayden’s down here in the middle of the week?”
“He wanted to see me.” She cuddles up to the sofa. “What are you doing down here? Were you at your mom’s?”
“Me and Haru broke up. I just called the wedding off.”
She says nothing right away. “Here you are worried about me and Hayden not working out and it being weird with you guys, and you don’t even know if you two’ll work out.”
I have no argument. My eyes widen, cheeks warm as my lip quivers.
She finally sits up with wide eyes as well.
“I’m so sorry. That was super insensitive. I’m tired. Tell me what happened?”
“We had a huge fight. We’ve been having it for a few weeks.”
“About what? The no sex thing?”
“No.”
“Max’s grandma?”
“Yeah, but it’s more than that. It’s not like I thought it was.”
“What isn’t?”
“Us. Our relationship. I’m a convenience, not his partner. We’re supposed to do things together. There’s no way he’ll listen to me. He’s almost thirty and I’m still in my early twenties. My mom was right.”
“No, she wasn’t. You’re just scared. You’re trying to convince yourself she’s right because it’s hard right now. You guys have been raising his son together. What can be more real than that?”
“Just like you said, his son.”
“So, you guys are fighting over Max?”
“There’s no fight. I can’t fight Haru about his own child. Just like he said, I don’t have any kids, so I couldn’t possibly know what it’s like.”
“He said that?”
“He’s right, and so is my mom. I’m not ready. I don’t know exactly how he feels, but I love Max too. I’d fight for him if I thought there was a fight to have. Haru is being unreasonable. It’s unfair to Max. When I voiced my opinion and said I was Max’s mom, he said I wasn’t. What’s worse? Max heard us arguing.”
“He said you weren’t Max’s mom?”
“Of all the things he could have said, why would he say that? The one thing that makes everything meaningful. Max grounds this relationship. Without him, I’m just in dreamland with this mysterious guy who I’m getting to know deeply and who is giving me mind-numbing, body-trembling orgasms that I can barely take.”
“That good, huh?” Darby contorts her face.
“Darby!”
“Sorry, you were saying?” she says with a sigh.
“Max makes us a family. I’m capable of being important to someone, not just to Haru. My existence does not belong to him. I’m not his property. I want to be his partner, not his disposable girlfriend.”
/> “Is this about Arima or your mom?”
I arch my neck, turning my lip up, and my shoulders tense before they fall. “It’s about them both, at least some of it. I’m a failure. I want to say it doesn’t matter, but it does. I try not to think about her actions when Haru proposed, but it’s reiterated every time we talk.”
“It will get better.”
“I don’t deserve a substantial adult relationship. She’s right!”
“We both know that’s not true.”
“Do we, though? Was he just going with the flow? If he doesn’t look at me like a mother to Max, how can he look at me as his better half—his wife? How could I ever measure up?” I sigh, looking to the floor, an endless nagging spear traveling through my body, piercing all the places it touches. “When we were in Iroshima, I felt like I was finally understanding Haru and getting to know who he truly is—what has substantial worth in his eyes—but that’s not true.”
“Yes, it is. He got a fucking castle to marry you in.”
“It was for him because of his family, not for me. I don’t need a castle. Am I just a part of a flashy endeavor to impress Max and his parents, and there’s no actual emotion or feeling behind it? I’m just some random lucky girl who gets to have a really hot guy, with a lot of money and an amazing child. If that is what it is, I don’t want it. I want him to love me.”
“Summer, he does. Those things are just not true.”
“Then why would he say I’m not Max’s mom? I am Max’s mom. It makes me feel like the times he said I was Max’s mom were all lies. He just said it because he thought that was what I wanted to hear, feeding me lies so I’d keep doing what he wanted. It worked until it didn’t. Because I love Max and I want to be his mom, and I want to be Haru’s wife. I want my family.”
“Then go back home. Talk to him and let me sleep.” She playfully cries.
“I can’t right now; can I please stay here? Just until I figure things out.”
She sighs heavily and walks over to the sofa. She flops next to me and lays her head on my shoulders. “Of course.”
Chapter Twenty-Four: We Miss Bob
A week has passed, and I’m still at Darby’s house. I avoid her so she doesn’t ask me about Haru. I don’t believe she has any desire to chitchat about our relationship. She’s way too caught up in her own. I lie in the guest bed with the covers over me. I’m so used to waking up with Haru, my eyes won’t stay shut.
It’s six in the morning. If I were home, Haru would be talking to my vagina, prepping me for some quiet morning sex before he’d be off to work. I feel silly, but I can’t help myself. I whoosh the covers off of me and spread my legs.
“Hey, Kathy. I bet you’re wondering what’s going on. Haru hasn’t been to visit you in a while.” I close my eyes, laughing at myself. “It’s probably going to be another while, if you ever see him again.”
I tilt my ear toward my pelvis.
“What d'you say? You miss him, even if he is a big ol’ douche bag?” I slowly lie down with a hopeless sigh. “Me too.”
I squirm around on the bed.
“What d'you say? You’re mad at me? Why?” I listen.
“Because I left Haru. Yeah, but I can’t go back now.” I pause. “You want him to lick you? That won’t make it better. Kathy, stop being a little slut; you’re just thinking about his tongue in you. There’s more to life than being licked and sucked.” I roll my eyes.
I guess it is a little fun to talk to her.
“Let me ask you a question, do you miss Bob?” I pretend to wait for an answer. “Yeah, me too.”
“What’s that, Kathy? There’s only one Bob.” I glance across the bed. “Yeah, he can never be replaced.” I sigh. “It’s about time for Haru to text me like he does every day.” I pick up my phone, and I have a text message from Haru:
Hey princess, I can’t believe you’re still mad at me. When are you coming home? Max misses you. I miss you.
I sigh, staring at the message. He’s clever, I’ll give him that. That Max line gets me every day. I almost cave.
The door flies open, and I quickly toss the covers back over me.
“Who are you talking to?” Darby asks.
“U-uh,” I say, sporadic eye darts across the room. “Haru, just texted me. I read it out loud and answer it out loud.” I smile stiffly, my cheeks warming a bit.
Darby flops at the end up the bed, and I sit up.
“You guys still haven’t made up?”
“No.” I stare at her. “Why are you up this early?”
She yawns. I was just going to the bathroom. Then I heard you talking. I was half hoping to catch you sneaking Arima in here. Then I could send your ass home.” She laughs tiredly. A serious expression comes across her face. “Have you thought about what you’re going to do?”
“Not really. It’s only been a week.”
“Are you still mad at him?”
My shoulders droop as I pull the covers up. “I can’t muster the anger anymore. I miss him and don’t like him, but I love him. And I really miss Max. I wonder what they’re doing. If he’s being an idiot about the hearing, if the house is a mess, if he’s using the hamper...”
“See you’re totally a mom—those are all ‘mom’ things to worry about.”
I smile. “Yeah.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. You guys’ll figure it out. Hopefully quickly, so you can get the hell out, and I won’t have to worry about you so much.”
“Your sarcasm isn’t as welcomed in the morning as it is around noonish.”
“Cue taken. I’ll get out.”
“Thank you.” I smile.
She rises from the bed and heads toward the door, turning back to look at me. “Seriously, Summer, I don’t think you need to stay here for a long time. You know you could, you’ll always have a place with me, but you need to be with Max and Haru. He’ll fall apart if you aren’t there, trust me.”
“You sound like you know first-hand.”
“You’re happy—genuinely happy—when you’re with him. It’s your place in the world, being Max’s mom, making sure Haru doesn’t fuck everything up. That’s where you belong. I don’t care what your mother says. You’re one hell of a mom, and you shouldn’t be here while the man you love is going through so much. Don’t prove your mom right; she said you couldn’t handle it. So, go handle it. Prove her wrong.”
I shake my head no. “I can’t handle it. When I try to talk to Haru, he doesn’t listen; he just yells. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be anywhere where I can’t say what I want and be a contributing part. It doesn’t matter how much I love him or miss him. I have to do this for me. I know he’s hurting, but if he won’t listen, then what’s the point?”
She nods. “Make him listen.”
“He’s a grown man. He won’t listen to me.”
“That’s not you talking; that’s your mother. She does not understand you’ve become a woman. Hayden told me Arima’s never had a girlfriend; he was a fucking asshole—he still is—but, from what I hear, you being in his life has changed him. Don’t let all that go to waste because you’re scared, because your mom’s in your head. He listened before, he’ll listen now.”
“Yeah, but what if he doesn’t actually love me? What if I’m just a good pastime? It’s been fun playing house.”
“Who said that?”
“Who said what?”
“Who said you were playing house? Your mother, I’m almost one hundred percent certain. It was her, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I peep.
“Get her out of your head. Stop letting her control you when she isn’t even here. That’s what she wants. You forget the manipulative games she plays. Don’t let them get to you. She’s lonely, successful, and unhappy. All she has in her life is her job. You were the one relationship she had left, and now she can’t control you like she did before.”
“She doesn’t care about anything but her job, so she is happy.”
�
�No, she’s not. She’s angry and jealous and scared of losing you. If she’s going to lose you, she’d rather it be because she caused it. It makes her feel better. Don’t let her control the situation. Be strong enough to demand mutual love and respect from her. It’s the same with you and Arima.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“Yes, you do. Don’t let people walk all over you and accept their definition of you. You know who you are, you know you miss him, you know you miss her. Just set your ground rules, and I promise you, they’ll comply. You’re special to them. Stop running away. You can’t hide from your problems—you have to face them head on, especially when they concern the things you love. I’m here for you, and Hayden is trying to be there for Arima, but you both are acting like complete jerks.”
I pout and lower my head.
“Sorry.” She sighs. “I think you should to him.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Chapter Twenty-Five: Can’t Deny
I’ve been staying with Darby for a few weeks. It’s been quiet, uncomfortably quiet. I can’t bring myself to take off my engagement ring, no matter how much I tell myself I need to. I stand at the kitchen counter in a teddy bear tank top, comfy pink pajama shorts, and ankle socks, cutting avocado for some fresh guacamole and tacos. As I pull the two sides apart, a daunting realization strikes me. Oh... I close my eyes and smile sadly.
“What are you doing?” Darby asks, prancing by me in a tight, pale pink dress, blush-colored stilettos, an updo, and 'dangly’ earrings, which she’s currently trying to put in her ear as she searches for something.
“Making tacos because I miss Haru and Max. We had Taco Tuesday and Fiesta Friday. We haven’t in a while though.” I smile, nostalgically, “We even have Max’s incredible sundaes on Sundays.”
“You should go home and talk to your fiancé.”
“We’re not engaged anymore.”
She opens drawers in the kitchen, holding the earring to her ear and bends down to investigate inside.
