Dork Diaries Book 9: Tales From a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “I bet they would if they thought the silly, nosy girls were CUSTOMERS!” Chloe squealed as she did jazz hands. “All we have to do is pretend to be BRANDON!”

  “OMG! That would totally work,” Zoey agreed excitedly. “We’ll call and say he lost his receipt and needs a new copy. We can ask them to text a copy to us.”

  “Are you guys NUTS?!” I practically screamed at my BFFs. “We can’t pretend to be Brandon! Aren’t there laws against that kind of thing?!”

  That’s when Chloe and Zoey gave each other “the look.”

  ME, VERY SUSPICIOUS THAT CHLOE AND ZOEY ARE PLOTTING TO BAMBOOZLE ME!

  And I knew from experience that “the look” meant they were going to try to SWEET-TALK me into doing something I DIDN’T want to do!

  I absolutely HATE being BAMBOOZLED !!

  “Okay, Nikki. Just forget about it!” Zoey said, suddenly looking extremely bored as she bounced her tennis ball on her racket. BOUNCE. BOUNCE. BOUNCE. BOUNCE. “If you want to live your life and then DIE not ever knowing if your first kiss was possibly TRUE LOVE, go right ahead!”

  Chloe yawned and picked at her nails. “Well, Nikki, the good news is that when you’re old and lonely, you can always spend your last days pondering whether or not Brandon bought his pizza with cash or won it from a dare. Cash or dare. Cash or dare. Cash or dare. Cash or—”

  “Okay, guys! STOP IT!! Just STOP!” I yelled at them.

  Unfortunately, their BAMBOOZLING was working.

  As usual.

  “You’ve made your point,” I continued. “This thing could haunt me for the rest of my life. I DO want to know the truth. But I DON’T want to end up in jail trying to find out. And most important, I don’t want to give MacKenzie the satisfaction of RUINING my first kiss! So what I’m trying to say is that I’d really appreciate your help on this, guys.”

  We happily did a three-way fist bump to show our solidarity as BFFs and our commitment to uncovering the truth behind the rumor.

  “Okay, my biggest worry is that Queasy Cheesy would never believe us,” I explained. “WHY would Brandon suddenly need an emergency copy of an old pizza receipt from two days ago?!”

  “Well, I dunno. Maybe he needs it for, um . . . tax purposes?” Zoey said.

  “Tax purposes?! Hmm, that DOES sound really legit,” I said, tapping my chin, deep in thought. “You know what, Zoey?! I think it just might work!”

  “I agree! It’s brilliant! Pure genius!” Chloe said excitedly. “Um, what does ‘for tax purposes’ mean?”

  “Actually, I don’t have the slightest idea.” Zoey shrugged. “But whenever my parents lose a receipt or important papers, people always send them new copies whenever they say it’s for tax purposes.”

  “Yeah, I’ve heard my parents use that excuse too,” I agreed. “And it works like a charm!”

  “Wow! I think I’m going to try that the next time I bomb on a test!” Chloe snickered. “I’ll just tell my teacher I lost the test paper with the bad grade and request a new test for tax purposes. Getting a do-over on a test for tax purposes could really boost my grades.”

  “Sorry, Chloe, but I don’t think it’ll fix bad grades.” Zoey giggled.

  “Hey, it wouldn’t hurt to try!” Chloe grinned.

  “Anyway, I think we should make the call from the library phone so that it appears more official. Then Queasy Cheesy won’t be as quick to blow us off since we’re not adults,” Zoey explained.

  “Why don’t we call during lunch tomorrow?” I suggested. “Hardly anyone hangs out in the library during lunch on Tuesdays.”

  Chloe insisted on being the one to make the call as Brandon. She reasoned that since she’d read the most teen novels with hunky guys in them, she could really “get inside their heads.”

  Whatever that means!

  We also decided to have the receipt texted to Zoey’s cell phone since it has better reception in the library than Chloe’s and mine.

  My assignment is to pick up three library shelving assistant passes from the school office so we can leave the cafeteria during lunch to hang out in the library.

  And yes! I feel a little guilty about getting LSA passes to work in the library when we don’t actually plan on shelving any books.

  But making that phone call to Queasy Cheesy and getting to the bottom of all the recent drama is a WAY more important task as far as I’m concerned.

  Because honestly, I just don’t know if I can trust Brandon anymore.

  And the fact that our friendship is ending like this is absolute TORTURE!!

  !!

  TUESDAY, APRIL 8

  I’ve been a nervous wreck all morning! Very soon I’ll know if that rumor MacKenzie has been spreading about Brandon is true.

  I also had this really uneasy feeling, like I was forgetting to do something SUPERimportant.

  As soon as gym class was over, Chloe, Zoey, and I rushed to the cafeteria and quickly snarfed down our lunches.

  We were about to dump our trays and head for the library when I FINALLY remembered what I’d forgotten!

  Our LSA passes to the library!!! Oh, CRUD !!

  Unfortunately, we had to either cancel our secret plan or risk an after-school detention by SNEAKING to the library without any passes.

  Although I had messed things up, Chloe and Zoey STILL insisted on making that phone call.

  But the difficult task of sneaking out of the cafeteria suddenly became IMPOSSIBLE when . . .

  PRINCIPAL WINSTON PARKED HIS BUTT RIGHT AT OUR TABLE AND THEN JUST STOOD THERE, LIKE, FOREVER !!

  Of course we didn’t dare make any moves. We didn’t want to RUIN our rep as quiet, studious, rule-abiding dorks.

  I bet Winston would NEVER guess we regularly hung out in the janitor’s closet, which was strictly off-limits to students.

  Hey! It was our LITTLE secret !

  When I texted this to Chloe and Zoey, they couldn’t stop giggling. Chloe texted back that our BIG secret was that we made prank calls from the library phone ! And Zoey texted that our HUMONGOUS secret was that we’d snuck into the boys’ locker room !

  Lucky for us, Winston finally wandered over to the other side of the cafeteria to eyeball a table of football players who were having a contest to see who could shove the most mac and cheese up their nose.

  We quickly dumped our trays and snuck out the door . . . behind a very smelly garbage can.

  MY BFFS AND ME, VERY STEALTHILY SNEAKING TO THE LIBRARY BEHIND A VERY SMELLY GARBAGE CAN!

  Since we had been delayed by Principal Winston, by the time we made it to the library we had less than three minutes to make our phone call and get to class.

  We excitedly huddled around the phone as Chloe dialed the number.

  “What’s up, bro! Is this Queasy Cheesy? Cool! Yo, my name is Brandon and I was in there a few days ago snagging a pizza and, dude, I lost my receipt. And I, like, really need that receipt for, um . . . tax purposes. . . . Huh? I said tax purposes! . . . No, NOT tacks porpoises. Hey, bro, this has nothing to do with thumbtacks or those big fish that look like dolphins, okay? I said TAX! PURPOSES! . . . Yeah, that’s it! Cool! . . . Do I remember what I ordered? Of course I do! Not all guys are stupid. We can remember lots of stuff. I ordered . . . um . . . ! Could you hold on a second? I have to . . . burp? It’s a guy thing, ya know?”

  Zoey and I both cringed.

  Chloe put her hand over the receiver and whispered frantically, “Nikki, he wants to know what my order was! Do you know what Brandon ordered?”

  “Actually, Chloe, I’m not sure what his order was!” I whisper-shouted. “I never saw him actually eating it. But whatever it was, it was in the pizza box he was carrying. I’m guessing it was probably a large pizza. Oh, I almost forgot, he also had a soda bottle on top of the pizza box.”

  Chloe continued into the phone. “Well, DUDE! It’s like this. Actually, I’m not sure what I ordered since I never saw myself eating it. But whatever it was, it was in the pizza box I was carrying! I’m guessing
it was probably a large pizza. And I drank a soda that was on top of my pizza box. Did you get all that, bro?”

  Zoey and I both did a giant eye roll.

  I was worried sick that at some point the Queasy Cheesy guy was going to assume Chloe was a prank call and just hang up on her.

  Chloe went on. “So you want to know the date and time? Um, of course I know that. But hold on, I have to go spit. Most football players spit, and I play a lot of football, fo’ sure! Be right back!”

  It was like Chloe had lost her mind. Why was she saying all that crazy stuff?!

  “Nikki, he wants the date and time!” Chloe whispered nervously.

  “Um, okay. Brianna accidentally killed her fish on Friday, and we picked up a new one Saturday night. I saw Brandon from the Pets-N-Stuff door a little after nine p.m. But please! You don’t have to tell him every little detail since it’s none of his business.”

  Chloe cleared her throat. “Okay, listen up, dude. My best friend’s little sister killed her fish on Friday and my friend picked up a new one Saturday night. Then I saw um . . . myself from the Pets-N-Stuff door a little after nine p.m. But I don’t have to tell you every little detail since it’s none of your business. Got that, bro? Great! . . . Okay, I’ll hold.”

  Zoey and I shook our heads in disbelief.

  My fear was that Chloe had probably been placed on hold so that the manager could call the FBI to report a suspicious caller trying to gain access to private customer info to commit identity theft or something.

  The call would be traced to us in the school library and a SWAT team of twenty-nine officers would come crashing through the windows to take us into custody.

  Then after what seemed like forever . . .

  “OMG! You actually found the receipt and are going to send it! SQUEEEE!” Chloe squealed.

  Then, assuming her phony identity, she quickly added, “WHOA! I don’t know what came over me. THAT was weird! Sorry, dude. What I actually meant to say was, you found my receipt and will text it to me?! That’s cool, bro, very cool!”

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND ME, HAPPY AND RELIEVED THAT QUEASY CHEESY AGREED TO SEND THE RECEIPT!

  Chloe gave the guy Zoey’s phone number and then continued. “Thanks a lot, dude! I love you, bro! To infinity and beyond! Later!”

  Then she hung up the phone and gushed, “We did it! He’s texting the receipt to Zoey right now!”

  I couldn’t believe that Chloe had actually pulled it off.

  She was absolutely HORRIBLE and terribly HILARIOUS, all at the same time.

  We were SO happy that we did a group hug !!!

  I consider myself really lucky to have great BFFs like Chloe and Zoey.

  We waited nervously for the text to arrive, and when it finally did, Zoey handed her cell phone to me.

  My hands were practically shaking as I read over Brandon’s receipt. . . .

  QUEASY CHEESY TAKEOUT

  THE WORLD’S BEST PIZZA SATURDAY, APRIL 5 9:04 P.M.

  **RECEIPT**

  1 LARGE MEAT LOVERS PIZZA

  $9.99

  1 COLA DRINK

  $1.21

  TAX & DEPOSIT

  $0.80

  TOTAL

  $12.00

  CASH

  $0.00

  QC GIFT CARD

  $12.00

  CHANGE DUE

  $0.00

  **THANK YOU!**

  I blinked in shock and disbelief and read the receipt over several times.

  Brandon had NOT purchased the pizza from Queasy Cheesy with cash !!!

  Which meant that MacKenzie WAS telling the truth!

  It had been paid for with a gift card! A gift card that, according to MacKenzie, had been won from a DARE that involved ME!

  That little receipt told me a lot more than just the type of pizza Brandon had ordered.

  It revealed that . . .

  The rumor was TRUE!!

  MacKenzie was RIGHT!!

  Brandon was NOT MY FRIEND!!

  And my very first kiss was a complete and utter SHAM!!

  AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

  (That was me screaming!!!)

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9

  Today I had a meeting with Mr. Zimmerman, the adviser of our school newspaper, about the advice column I secretly write, Just Ask Miss Know-It-All.

  Since my week has been a complete nightmare, I half expected him to FIRE me on the spot!

  I nervously poked my head into his office. “Hi, Mr. Zimmerman, you wanted to see—”

  “NO! I don’t want any!” he yelled. “NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!”

  “I’m SO sorry!” I gasped, and turned to leave.

  “Wait a minute, Nikki! YOU can come in! But NOT those kids who smell like Doritos and video games,” he muttered.

  Mr. Zimmerman is actually a nice teacher! He’s just VERY . . . um, WEIRD!

  It took me a while to get used to his high-strung personality and the fact that he spirals through at least five different moods daily. Which means I never quite know which one I’m going to have to deal with.

  I slowly peeked inside his office again to find him slumped over his desk with sunglasses on.

  His office was messy, with stacks of paper piled everywhere.

  He gestured for me to have a seat, so I timidly walked over and sat down.

  “PLEASE! DON’T WALK SO LOUDLY!! I HAVE A SPLITTING HEADACHE!” he grumbled.

  “I-I’m really sorry!” I stammered. “I didn’t know!”

  “Yes, you DID! I just TOLD you a few seconds ago. I said please don’t walk so loudly, I have a splitting headache. Don’t you remember?!”

  ME, TRYING TO APOLOGIZE TO MR. ZIMMERMAN FOR TALKING WALKING TOO LOUDLY!

  “Um, okay then,” I said, and quickly changed the subject. “Anyway, I’m here because you wanted to see me about my Miss Know-It-All column. I hope everything is okay?”

  “Actually, your advice column is more popular than ever! You’re on your way to becoming the next Oprah! Keep up the good work!”

  Then he explained that to make it easier to answer the large volume of mail I was receiving, he had arranged for the computer club to design a Miss Know-It-All website.

  So now students needing advice can either leave a handwritten letter in one of my help boxes located around the school or e-mail me!

  Thanks to Mr. Zimmerman, I have my very own Miss Know-It-All website.

  This is actually great news. Although, it’s about time SOMETHING went right, for once in my life.

  MY BRAND-NEW MISS KNOW-IT-ALL WEBSITE !

  Mr. Zimmerman said that Lauren, his intern, would also scan the handwritten letters and e-mail them to me to be stored on the website.

  This will make my job A LOT easier!

  Then he reached into his pocket and handed me a crumpled-up Post-it note.

  “Now, here’s the info for your site. Your user ID is on the second line, and your password is on the third line.”

  “This is highly sensitive information! So guard it with your life! And if you don’t, you’re automatically FIRED!” he said solemnly.

  “FIRED?!” I gulped. “Really?!”

  “Yes, really! It took me almost four hours to set up that user ID and password! And now I can’t find my to-do list. It’ll be easier and less time-consuming for me to just FIRE you than spend another four hours setting up new ones. So please! Don’t mess this up!”

  I wanted to mention that it looked to me like my user ID and password WERE his to-do list.

  But since Mr. Zimmerman was already having a rough day with his headache and all, I didn’t want to risk upsetting him again.

  So I just smiled, thanked him, and stuck the note in my pocket.

  Then, using my new user ID and password, we logged into the website and he explained how everything worked.

  I can’t wait to start answering letters using the new site. Working on my advice column is going to be more fun than ever!

  “Is there anything else?” he final
ly asked, glancing at his Ninja Turtles clock on the wall.

  “No, I don’t think so,” I answered. “But I want to thank you again for my new Miss Know-It-All site!”

  “You’re very welcome!” Mr. Zimmerman said, adjusting his sunglasses and slumping back down in his chair. “NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!! I’ve wasted enough time talking to you! And I STILL have to find my missing to-do list!”

  Anyway, after our meeting, I was absolutely certain about ONE thing!

  The man is more NUTTY than a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup !!

  But you gotta love him !!

  Anyway, I’m really happy that my advice column is going so well, even though the rest of my life is in SHAMBLES.

  OMG! I just got the most brilliant idea!

  I should write a letter to Miss Know-It-All!

  Then maybe I’ll give MYSELF great advice on how I can solve all my OWN personal problems!

  !!

  NOTE TO SELF:

  **EXTREMELY IMPORTANT INFO!!**

  Miss Know-It-All advice column website:

  User ID: 1Buymilk

  Password: 2Yogaclassat7pm

  Remember to guard this with your life!!

  Or you’re AUTOMATICALLY FIRED!!

  !!

  THURSDAY, APRIL 10

  I arrived at school early to work on my Miss Know-It-All advice column. It was the perfect distraction from all the drama I’ve been dealing with lately.

  I just hoped I wouldn’t run into you-know-who. Since our big fight last week, he and I have basically ignored each other.

  When I walked into the newspaper office, the first thing I saw was a group of kids laughing hysterically at a video they were watching on a cell phone.

  Apparently, the guy showing it had gotten it from a girl who’d recorded a classmate.

  Since I love funny videos as much as the next kid, I decided to stop and check it out.