by Ruby Dixon
I am. But the last thing I want is him staking his claim on me in front of everyone else. "This isn't necessary—"
"Why are you being like this?" he asks quietly. "Why is it that every time I try to help you, you grow angry at me?"
"I'm not angry," I protest. "I just…don't like needing help."
"Do you think I like that you cut your cheek? Do you think I like seeing you shivering by the fire and knowing that you were in cold leathers all day?"
I want to ask why he cares, but I know why he cares. He thinks he still has a claim on me. That somehow all of this between us is going to clear up and I'll fling myself joyfully into his arms. That I'll endure a pussy-hammering every day for the rest of my life.
What's sad is that I don't know what I want. Because part of me really, really wants to take A'tam up on things. To push Daisy aside and scream "He's mine!" and drag him away from the others. To go back to those days of flirty kisses and cuddles and when the world had so much damn potential that I actually loved waking up each morning because I'd get to flirt with A'tam that day.
Sometimes I worry that I might endure the penis pounding. But then I remember how awful it was, and the fact that I’m built far too small to take something that size, and I force myself to pull back. That I don't want to go through that ever again. We're friends, him and I, and that's all we can ever be.
And I'm tired. I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of everyone coming up with wild theories every time I sit next to A'tam. Haven't these people ever heard of friendly exes? I give him a wan smile. "I'm sorry. I know I'm…prickly."
"You mean stubborn," he corrects.
"You're not helping."
"I am stubborn, too." A'tam reaches out and grabs my hand, nearly causing me to drop my tea cup. "I still want you in my furs. I still think of you as mine."
That escalated quickly. My eyes widen and I look around, but no one's paying attention to us. They're too busy with the fish, and F'lor is telling a joke across the fire, Sessah at her side. Everyone's wrapped up in their story and I might as well be alone with A'tam. I look over at him and he's completely, utterly serious, his expression full of yearning.
And I want to say yes. So badly. I swallow hard. "What, like, just get up and go to your hut? Right now?"
I'm only half joking. I might actually do it, if he keeps looking at me with those intense eyes and that expression full of hot need. We could at least kiss, right? We could kiss and maybe I could stop him before things got too awful…
A'tam shakes his head. "Not my furs. D'see is staying in my hut."
Is she now? That's news to me. I jerk to my feet, letting his blanket fall to the ground. "You know what? I think I'm just going to head to bed," I say. "I'm really tired."
"B'shit," A'tam calls, moving to stand next to me. "Do not go. Let me explain."
"For the hundredth time, it's Bridget," I snap at him. "For a man that says he likes me a lot, you sure haven't bothered to learn my name."
And I storm away.
14
A'TAM
My female is completely and utterly impossible. Why is it every time I try to protect her, she pushes me away? Why is it that when I am kind to her, when I look out for her…she acts as if I am being ridiculous?
It ruins the evening for me. I do not want to sit around and listen to others laughing and chatting. I do not want to watch happy resonated pairs holding hands or sharing secrets. I want to be alone in my anger and frustration. So I get up and leave the fire, taking a long walk by the beach, even though it is very dark. I see things move in the rippling waves and stay far enough from the water's edge, like any wise hunter. I stare up at the sky, but the stars are hidden. I even go looking for the outcast clan—Juth and Pak—because it is something to do. I know if I head back to my furs, I will not be able to sleep. B'shit will haunt me every time I close my eyes.
But there are no footprints in the cold sand, and eventually I wander back to the encampment. I head in to see if B'shit is perhaps in her pottery cave, but it is silent and empty. The fire pit is dead, and the pots she has carefully resting atop the coals cracked into pieces. The sight of it makes me sad. She will be disappointed to see she has failed. I pick up one of the still-warm pieces and see that it has cracked clean down the middle. I have seen this before, back when my mother did her pottery, but I do not remember the cause. I wish I did. B'shit works so very hard on these. She is determined to succeed, and I wish I could help. I imagine how sad this must have made her. Batch after batch of her pottery ends up cracked or broken or turns back into mud. She is getting better, but it is not fast enough to suit her.
Maybe she is going to ask O'jek to help her.
The stab of jealousy I feel is intense, and I put the pottery back and leave the cave before I do something I regret. I think of B'shit and O'jek. My clans-brother keeps to himself, but even he has a soft spot for the females. If B'shit asked him, he would help her. She has a clever mind, so if anyone can make him smile, it would be her.
What if the competition makes them become great friends? What if B'shit gives up on me because I am with D'see? The thought makes me furious, and the last thing I want is to return to O'jek's hut and lie down on my furs across from him and listen to him snore with contentment. He sleeps as if he does not have a care in the world, while I stay awake and stew.
So I go to my old hut, my spirit brimming with frustration.
I do not scratch at the entrance to let D'see know I am coming in. Instead, I duck inside. All is quiet, and D'see is asleep. I move to her side and shake her. "Are you awake, D'see?"
She stirs and gives me a sleepy look. "I am now. What's wrong?"
"O'jek," I snarl. "I cannot sleep next to him tonight. I do not like how he is with B'shit."
"Because he was mean to her?" D'see asks, yawning as she sits up.
That makes me pause. "Was he mean to her?" A new kind of angry frustration surges through me. Was impatient O'jek unkind to B'shit? I noticed that when she fell in, I got to her before he did, but I thought it was simply because I was more determined. Because I am obsessed with her. I think about the scratch on her cheek, the blood that poured down her skin, and I feel a new kind of anger.
"Your clan has been a little cold to her ever since I got here," D'see says, rubbing her eyes. "I suppose it's understandable, given that they have your back and they're choosing your side, but sometimes it's hard to watch."
She is not wrong. I have been bitterly angry and frustrated with B'shit for many hands of days now. Of course O'jek, I'rec and even U'dron would support me in my anger. They understand my frustration. Why would a female come to my furs and then act as if she does not wish to be my mate? They are just as annoyed with B'shit as I am…but I did not think how it would feel to her. I know B'shit has struggled with being accepted, that sometimes the females keep things from her because she has a reputation for sharing secrets. I have not exactly kept our problems secret, either, yet no one blames me.
Now I suddenly feel guilty. "Do you think O'jek was cruel to her?"
"Honestly, A'tam, I think he treated her like he would any other stranger." She thinks for a moment, then adds, "Well, maybe a little less politely than that. But why do you care?"
How can she ask me that? "D'see, she is my mate."
D'see yawns again, her expression unruffled. "You keep saying that, but I'm not seeing any evidence of it. A marriage—or a mating—is a two-way street, A'tam. Both parties have to be mentally invested in making it work. Look at me. I was with a man for ten years. I was his mate in all eyes. We lived in the same house, shared a life together, and we were friends. But I wasn't his partner, because he was in love with another man. I was just there to make him look good. If it would have been up to me, I would have gladly been his mate in all ways." D'see's tone gets sad and for a moment she looks lonely. "More than anything, I wanted to be loved. But he couldn't love me, no matter how much I wanted it. Maybe it's that way with Bridget?"
Her
words make my gut cold. I do not want to think of B'shit going to my furs and then deciding she does not care for me. Not when my every waking thought is on her. Not when I am lost in her smile. "She is my mate. I know it."
"Every opportunity she has, though, she doesn't choose you, A'tam. I hate to say it, my sweet friend, but perhaps it's simply not meant to be?" D'see reaches out and pats my hand. "I know you care for her, but she has to feel something for you, too. One-sided affection isn't enough. Trust me, I know."
"It is not one-sided," I say desperately. I rake a hand through my mane, frustrated at D'see's logical words. She does not know how B'shit has been drawn to me since I arrived, and me drawn to her. She does not know of our secret meetings in the pottery cave, when we talk for the entire night and it feels as if we are the only two left in the world. She does not know of B'shit's smiles and the perfect beauty of her laughter. That cannot be one-sided. It cannot. "She cares for me. I know it."
"But she doesn't want to be your mate? Have you asked her why not?"
I frown at D'see. She is nothing more than a bundle of furs, her small head sticking out, and she looks sleepy. But the expression on her face is patient…it is very unlike B'shit's, I realize. My mate is like me in that she is impatient with a great many things. She has a hot temper, like I do. Perhaps this is why we bicker so much. "Of course I have talked to her. I have told her many times that she is mine."
"No, no." D'see shakes her head, her hand emerging to wave at me. "That's not what I asked. I asked if you tried asking her directly why she doesn't want to be with you. Have you said, 'My lovely Bridget, I adore you and want to love you forever, but I do not understand your reticence'? Or do you just go up to her and beat your chest and declare that she is your female?"
I say nothing, scowling.
D'see sighs. "It's the latter, isn't it?"
"…Maybe."
She puts her hands together, clasping them under her chin. "All right, friend. The next time you have a chance, here is what you should do. Are you listening?"
"I am." I have never listened so hard in my life.
"You are going to go up to Bridget and say, 'May I have a word with you?' and ask her to join you somewhere nice and quiet. Ask her to talk to you. Don't demand. Do you understand?" She gives me a piercing look.
I nod. D'see has an odd way of speaking, but I grasp most of it. "I go up to her and ask if I might word on her in quiet. That is what you said, yes?"
"Mmm, close." She gestures I should continue. "And then what?"
I think. "And then I tell her she is my…mate?"
D'see sighs. "You ask, A'tam. You ask her."
"I ask her to be my mate," I say confidently.
"You ask her why she turns you away," D'see clarifies. "You tell her that you love her and you want to be with her and no one else. It's true, isn't it? I haven't seen you look at another female since I got here."
Her head tilts, her sunset mane spilling across her shoulders, and I realize in that moment that D'see is…attractive. And yet, I have never paid attention. D'see is a friend to me, no more. When I see her in my furs, I am just sad that it is not B'shit. When I think of a mate, I see my prickly, hot-tempered B'shit. I think of her wicked smile before she gives me hot kisses, and of the way her body felt underneath mine.
There is no other female for me but B'shit. I clench a hand over my chest. "It does not matter that my khui is silent. I know in my spirit that she is meant to be mine."
The look she gives me is soft with approval. "I know. Which is why I want to help you two. Tell her how you feel, A'tam. I know you think it's obvious, but trust me, sometimes a woman needs to be told that a man loves her. She needs to hear that she is attractive and he can think of nothing else but her."
"Tell her I love her," I echo. "That she is attractive."
"Tell her why it's so very important to you that she be your mate. And do not demand," D'see expresses firmly. "You must ask. If you demand, you will just drive her farther away from you."
"Ask," I repeat. "Tell her she is attractive and ask her…"
"To be your mate," D'see prompts.
It sounds odd that I should have to ask about such obvious things, but perhaps this is what B'shit needs from me. Humans have strange customs. Perhaps B'shit needs me to state the obvious, over and over again.
Surely I can do this.
I imagine taking B'shit aside and asking her to be my mate. I imagine her pretty face wreathed with smiles and her flinging her arms around my neck as she joyfully declares that all she needed was for me to ask her. That it was an obvious solution, and it is the only reason we have been apart these long, long days.
Excited, I jump to my feet. "Be ready tomorrow," I tell D'see. "If the weather is clear, we are hunting. And I aim to show O'jek that I am the right male for my B'shit, not him." I point at her. "Wear your best hunting gear and be ready at dawn. We hunt prey…and we hunt my mate."
"Oh boy," is all D'see says.
15
A’TAM
The weather seems to be smiling upon my plans, for the day dawns bright and clear. The air is biting with cold, but the twin suns are out and no snow is falling. I head toward the fire in my best hunting gear, my spear strapped to my back, eagerness surging through me.
Today, I will claim my mate.
After I win this hunting competition, of course.
I suck down a cup of tea handed to me, spitting out the shrimp shells as I watch others rise and approach the fire. This is the contest that was made for me. I'rec is the best at fishing in our small clan. O'jek excels at fire-making and skinning. U'dron is good with music. Me, I am good at hunting. I have the best nose of us all, and I can follow a trail from beginning to end, no matter how faint the scent. If there is a trail, I will uncover it.
I grin at the others as they approach the fire. L'ren and W'lla are chatting with V'za, while D'vi and M'rsl attend to the early morning food, T'chai at his mate's side. D'vi offers me a bowl and I tip the entire thing back, consuming my meal in two great gulps, and then return it to her.
She just blinks. "Um, you want more?"
"No. I need to be swift this day, not weighed down with food." I grin and lean in conspiratorially, because D'vi is a pleasant female, if strange in her admiration for dead fish. "Today, I will catch the most meat AND I will claim my mate."
Her eyes go wide. "Do I dare ask?" She pauses as if talking to herself and then shakes her head. "You know what? I'm not. I'm just gonna let it ride. Good luck, A'tam." She gives me a little nod and then returns to the fire.
Let her think what she wants. Nothing can contain my excitement. I look for B'shit's familiar form, but she has not arrived yet. O'jek appears, a pack on his shoulder and spear at hand. He nods at me from across the fire, and there is a competitive glint in his eyes. I grin back. We both think we will win this day, but he is wrong. I have more reason than any other to win. Not only is there one of the sharp knives at stake, but I want to show B'shit what a good hunter I am. I want her to look at me with pride.
"I'm here," D'see cries from afar. "Don't start without me!"
I look over at my partner and fight back a groan. I told D'see to wear her finest hunting leathers. That means warmth. She needs to wear practical clothing, because the weather will be cold in the mountains, and the snows deep. She will need a spear, too. Even a kit can use a spear with some skill.
But D'see has arrived with her mane artfully pulled up atop her head, a few curls teasing around her face. The fur she wears is dyed bright yellow—one of Buh-brukh's failed dye experiments. Her boots jingle with the chimes of decorative seashells and her tunic has beaded fringe that makes noises when she walks. She has no spear. I bite back a groan at the sight of her. D'see does not know better. She is new to this world and to survival.
Even so, I am disappointed in the sight of her and her clothing.
This is a terrible idea and D'see will scare away all game if she even gets close. The yellow of he
r furs will make us stand out, too. I move to my partner's side, ready to chide her for her poor choices in hunting gear, when B'shit arrives. I shove my spear at D'see. "Hold this." And I go to speak to my mate.
B'shit, I am happy to see, has taken the hunt seriously. Her mane is braided tight against her scalp, and she wears bright white furs in thick layers to protect against the cold. Snowshoes are slung over her shoulder and she carries a spear in her hand. She looks fierce, and I am foolishly pleased by this. She is not my partner in this, but I am still proud of my mate.
Now if she would only accept that she was my mate, I would be even more pleased.
I approach her, smiling. What was it D'see told me I should say to her? Ah yes, I should tell her she is attractive and then ask to word on her. I nod at B'shit. "You look like a hunter, B'shit."
"Bridget," she snaps irritably. "And why wouldn't I look like a hunter? That's what we're doing today, right? Hunting?"
Why does she not accept my compliment? I try again. "You are quite appealing holding that spear."
The human female gives me a puzzled look. "Is…is that a sexual innuendo?"
"It depends." I lean in close. "What is in-you-en-doh?"
B'shit blinks at me twice. Her mouth twitches. Then she looks over my shoulder and her face breaks into a full-blown smile. "Uh, you might want to pay less attention to the way I hold my spear and more attention to the way your partner does. I think she needs help."
I turn around and look for D'see. The female is easy to find—like a piss stain on snow in all that yellow—and she holds the spear I gave her between two fingers as she chats with R'jaal and I'rec. Both of the males look as if they are doing their best not to laugh.
I bite back a sigh. "Something tells me this hunt will be…interesting."
Before I go, B'shit grabs my arm, stopping me. "Just…don't be hard on her," she says. "Daisy's still learning. She's spent her life being someone's pampered pet. It's not her fault she doesn't know how to hold a spear yet. Be patient, okay?"
