Just Let Go

by Alessandra Thomas

  I promised everyone final decisions included in an updated proposal within a week, and they began to file out, giving me hugs and back pats and filling the plates Ethan had left out with the rest of the Joey and Hawk’s goodies for the road. As I was giving Daniel a squeeze, I noticed that Alejandro was hovering in the back of the room, quietly talking to Ethan, who’d stood up. The conversation was quiet, and Ethan’s expression was intense. Then again, Alejandro was always intense.

  As soon as I caught sight of them talking, they shook hands and Alejandro turned and walked toward me. He pulled me into strong hug and squeezed me for a second. “You sounded like Mamá for a minute there, you know that?”

  I laughed into his suit jacket. “Come on, Ale.” My heart wrenched, and to hide the surge of emotion, I shoved him a little, breaking whatever physical intensity there was between us.

  “You’re doing good, Nati,” he said into my hair, and then, without another glance, he was out the door.

  Ethan still hadn’t moved from his spot in the corner. He watched me, not saying a word.

  Seeing him there, waiting, listening, the stress of having to put on the front of looking like I knew what I was doing in front of my brothers lifted off my shoulders. I was exhausted – more than I would be if I taught three classes back to back. Like a wet noodle, I slithered into a chair. Ethan crossed the room to me and sat in the chair next to me, then scooted it along the floor until his thigh ran flush against mine.

  “Well?” he said after a few quiet moments.

  “Well,” I replied, “Let’s get to work.”

  Ethan stretched his arm out toward me and spread his fingers wide. Without a thought, I slid my palm against his, and I heard the faintest sigh pass his lips.

  “What did my brother say to you?” I asked, feeling the beginnings of drowsiness settling into my bones.

  “Nothing,” he murmured, leaning over to press a kiss to my head. “He was just asking me about my job with the firm.”

  “Mmm,” I replied, knowing that that couldn’t been the extent of what Alejandro had said to him. I also knew that I was so exhausted now that belaboring the point wouldn’t help anyone. I decided to let this one go, for now. I let my head fall on Ethan’s shoulder, and we sat there in the break room, listening to the buzz of the florescent bulb, until our feet fell asleep and we worked up the energy to leave.

  Chapter 20

  Ethan

  Natalia’s family seemed really grateful to me that night for my help with Natalia’s proposal, especially Alejandro and Mr. Ortiz. But really, Natalia was the powerhouse behind the changes that transformed The Knockout from an old traditional gym to something essentially the same yet also completely new. The two rings remained standing, so that the middle-aged men hoping to prove their strength and stamina in their regular weekly fights could still do so. The traditional locker room remained as well. But there was an abundance of extra space at The Knockout, especially once the contractors had done their magic in the basement. Slowly, there popped up a women’s locker room, a yoga studio, and a small spin room with a dozen stationary bikes and black lights. Quietly, at Sarah’s suggestion, Natalia put drywall up at three-quarter’s height and lined the room with colorful flooring to serve as a babysitting space.

  The gym regulars didn’t say much about any of it, only casting wary glances as Christian and Daniel hauled in play pens and bouncers, which they’d purchased and delivered themselves out of the back of their SUV. A week after Natalia announced the babysitting rates, Jose, one of her dad’s best friends, brought his four-year-old grandson to the babysitting room’s check-in desk before his workout.

  We popped a bottle of champagne that night.

  Natalia and I spent a lot of time together over the next few weeks.By day, she was in the gym and I was in my cubicle, working on one of a dozen or so other insurance accounts Mr. Kennedy. Once or twice a week I made it over to The Knockout for a workout, even dragging Mark with me. I’d even convinced Toby, the sound girl for the Bro Show, to come to kickboxing class once, and Natalia instantly adored her. Some shit about growing up as girls learning to deadly sports – Toby’s mom had her in Krav Maga - Israeli martial arts - since she was young.

  Mark looked happier than ever when the four of us were together like this. My heart had been in the right place, pushing him and Toby together as part of The Bro Show, but I was worried now that it was going to turn out all wrong. I knew two things about what I was watching unfold between him and Toby – he was in love with her already, and she was in danger of getting there herself. The only bad part about it was that she didn’t want to settle down. At all. No attachments, no roots. No taking care of anyone but herself.

  Which was fine, but it was the absolute opposite of Mark’s goal. Oops.

  As the days, and our time together, stretched longer and longer, she even convinced me to go running with her. She never said it, but it became really clear really quickly that this was when Natalia did her thinking. We always set off together, but rarely talked unless she started a conversation. On some runs, we’d talk for twenty minutes about what we wanted to eat for dinner that week – on others, we’d spend 30 seconds in total agreement about what movie we most wanted to see next in the theater, and run the rest of the course in silence.

  I didn’t care either way. Just like in the bedroom, Natalia and I were perfectly matched on the running trail. Our strides fit together, and we both started getting tired at around the same point. We worked together in tandem nearly flawlessly.

  [Urrrrgh. Insert car date here?]

  Rarely, Natalia would blindside me with something. It was early May, the day before her dad’s birthday dinner. “Do you think I wounded him? Like, do you think he felt like less of a man, or something?”

  She stopped at a bench, propped her heel up on the back, and stretched, even though we were nowhere near the end of our course. I jogged in place, trying to stave off the chill the wind was painting over my sweaty, bare arms. Normally I would have been happy to ogle her legs. Even though she wore long running tights, their shape was still clearly on display. Besides, I knew what was underneath them.

  But I didn’t ogle anything today. Natalia looked like I’d never seen her – fundamentally sad. Her complexion sallow, her lips curving down, her eyebrows pulled together – like her heart was in the process of breaking into a hundred pieces. The sight made mine feel like it was about to do the same.

  “Who do you mean? Your dad?”

  Just like that, Natalia’s face crumpled. The tears that must have been gathering behind her eyes made their way to her lower lashes, streaming down her face as she nodded.

  “Aw, Tali,” I said, stopping my jog and walking to her side. She’d dropped her leg, and now looked at me with big, wet eyes. It was clear she wasn’t going to run anymore, but she also seemed frozen in place. I knew what I needed to do for Natalia. I pulled my phone out and called an Uber, then pulled her into the circle of my arms.

  Rubbing her back, I asked gently, “What do you mean? What made you ask that?”

  “It’s just… he hasn’t been by in a couple of weeks, you know? To The Knockout. He seemed okay with all the changes at that first meeting, but not, like, excited, you know? Then he stopped by couple of times to hold up drywall and swing a hammer, but still. I don’t know.”

  “Okay, but is your dad ever excited?”

  “I’ve seen him excited about soccer games,” she conceded. “But still. This is what he called me home to do, you know? And then he wasn’t at Sebastian’s birthday thing early last week. I’ve called a couple times in the past few days and he doesn’t seem like he wants to talk. And now it’s his birthday and I can’t avoid it anymore, you know? I can’t avoid looking into his eyes and just knowing I’ve disappointed him.”

  I pressed my lips to the top of her head and sighed, holding her closer. Our car came and I held her in the back, rubbing her arm occasionally. We were a fifteen-minute jog from The Knockout, but the
ride only took three minutes. I tipped the driver generously and made it clear how grateful I was to her as I guided Natalia up the stairs.

  “Okay, the party’s in two hours, right?”

  “Yeah,” Natalia said as she plunked herself down in one of the dining room chairs, undoing her laces with short, jerking motions. Apparently, she’d crossed over from sad to tired with a healthy dose of frustrated. At what, I still had to find out. “I just… I don’t know. I don’t want to go.”

  I pulled up a chair next to hers and held out my hand for the shoe she’d just taken off. She handed it to me, then started working on the next one. This was one thing I’d learned about Natalia – she would talk when she was ready. In the meantime, she would give me hints as to how she was feeling. The second shoe came off, I took that one too, and set it on the floor next to my chair. Then Natalia stood up and did something I’d never seen her do before – she started to pace.

  It wasn’t pent-up energy that needed to be punched out. It wasn’t the little shuffle I’d seen her do plenty of times now that signaled she wished the person talking to her would hurry up and stop wasting her time. No, this wasn’t it at all. Her eyes looked at the ground one step ahead of her, empty and a little wider than usual. One clear thought came to my mind: This is what Natalia Ortiz looked like when she felt trapped.

  After a minute or so, she stopped and stared at me, that same off-kilter look in her eyes. She blew out a long breath, and her shoulders slumped forward. “I’ve gotta get ready,” she said, helplessly.

  “Want me to come with you?”

  She looked at me like she hadn’t understood the question. Suddenly, a weird energy buzzed from my chest down my arms. My stomach pitched. I’d been in the same space as Natalia and her family several times, of course, and worked out with Rodrigo and Arturo a fair bit as well. I’d never attended a family function with her, though. Not as a business acquaintance or even a friend. Certainly not as anything more than friends. I realized that I was nervous – something I’d never felt with Natalia. Maybe, the moment before our first kiss… but everything up until this moment had felt so right, so certain. Now, it was like this one little question had pitched my entire outlook on our relationship into uncertain waters.

  “No,” Natalia finally replied. “I mean… you don’t have to do that. It’s, um… it’s a family thing, anyway.” Her eyes flicked to mine, and knowing that she was nervous too loosened something around my heart.

  “Come on,” I said, squeezing her arm. “How bad could it be? Your dad doesn’t carry around a shotgun, does he?”

  She looked up at me, her eyes wary. “Ethan, they don’t even know that we’re… whatever we are.”

  I bit my tongue. Hell, I didn’t even know what we were. A time-limited sex-fest peppered with dates that we were only going on to settle a friendly score wasn’t a relationship. At least, it wasn’t one that Natalia had asked to acknowledge. I’d only asked her about the party because it was my knee-jerk reaction in support of her. Now I realized I was basically asking her to tell her whole family we were an item.

  I didn’t say any of that, though. I just waited. Whatever decision she made, I wanted it to be hers. I was watching my buddy Mark go through the utter angst of wanting a girl to want to be in a defined, serious relationship with him. It was like watching him be dragged through Philly by a bus. It might end up okay in the end, but only after a lot of hard work after the fact.

  I didn’t want to hitch myself to that bus, no matter how fun and sexy she was.

  I also didn’t like seeing Natalia like this – in this space between sadness and dread and guilt. Didn’t want to know she was enduring it without me for support.

  So I took a deep breath, and I lied.

  “It doesn’t matter what we are, Tali. I want to support you. We work together. Plus, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

  “You work with me,” she said, squeezing my hand where it sat on her lap.

  “Whatever,” I said. “I’ll say I was hungry and you dragged me over.”

  “That’s not something I would do.”

  “It is if I told you I was headed to Taco Bell and you couldn’t stand to let me eat shit instead of Amalia’s cooking.”

  A soft smile curved her lips, and my heart soared. “There she is,” I said quietly, cupping her face. Her big brown eyes framed by lush, heartbreaker lashes, blinked at me. I’d seen them filled with lust or laughter, but never seen anything quite like this sparkle.

  I didn’t want to think about it, because of the possibility that it wasn’t what I wanted it to be – attachment.

  “What time are we leaving?” I asked.

  * * *

  “I was planning to leave at 6:00. That’s when it starts, but ever since my stupid brother and his boyfriend moved to Haverford, getting there for dinner is a traffic nightmare. I’d rather try to hit the tail end of traffic instead of the middle.”

  I glanced at my phone. It was four thirty – just enough time for me to get home, shower, dress like I would have been at work, and come back. I stood up, disentangling myself from her before she had a chance to respond. “Okay,” I said simply, “I’ll see you then.”

  Her mouth dropped open like she was going to say something, then closed like she’d thought better of it. I was no fool. I was clearing out of here before she had a chance to change her mind.

  At home, I sped through my shower, making sure to lather my hair with the shampoo Natalia had said she loved the smell of. I realized mid-scrub that I probably shouldn't be thinking about that particular shower sex memory if I wanted my dick to be calm enough to spend an evening not touching her. It was too good not to think about, though. I'd been pounding into her while she clawed at my back and bit at my ear. And that wasn't even the best sex we'd had. Maybe not even in the top ten.

  Ah, memories.

  I started to get dressed in my typical work clothes - neatly pressed pants, button down, and tie - but looking in the mirror, realized what overkill it was. For reasons that still weren't completely clear to me, Natalia was dreading this dinner. None of her other family members would look like they'd just stepped out of a conference room, since Alejandro most likely wouldn’t be there. I wanted to blend in, not strike fear and discomfort and thoughts of insurance policies into the hearts of the other family members.

  At exactly five minutes to six o'clock, I stood in front of Natalia's house in a sweater and dark jeans - respectable, but unremarkable. At least, I hoped.

  But all thoughts of my own appearance flew out of my head when Natalia hauled open the heavy door that led to The Knockout. She was wearing a sweatshirt, but that was where any similarity to her typical appearance stopped. I didn't even know she owned a pair of jeans, but here she stood in front of me, with her perfect legs encased in tight, dark denim. My mind went instantly to an image of peeling and tugging the denim off of them, inch by inch.

  Down, boy.

  Instead of training sneakers, she wore boots with a few inches of heel, making her almost my height. Her calves curved deliciously thanks to the platform under her heel. And her sweatshirt. Before I started seeing Natalia, I would have sworn to you that it was impossible for a woman to look drop dead gorgeous in a sweatshirt. Like with so much else in life, Natalia proved me dead wrong. This one was a mottled red color, the kind that made it look vintage even though there wasn't a rip or tear on it. It had a wide, high bottom that I just knew would ride up and expose her waist, a swooping neckline that showed her collarbones, and just enough fuzzy drape to its appearance to make me desperate to shove my arms up inside it so I could experience the softness of the fabric and the skin of her torso, which I already knew to be silky and warmer than you'd expect. Almost like she ran a degree hotter than everyone else.

  It would have made sense.

  And her hair. Dear God, her hair. I'd seen it down outside the bedroom few times before, but most of the time she had it in a high bun. Tonight, she'd let it down. Thick and shiny, it
flowed over her shoulders and down her back, almost reaching her waist. She'd curled it, but it didn’t look stiff with hairspray at all. I was overwhelmed with the desire to run my fingers through it, top to bottom. Then, I wanted to start over again, but grab a handful right at the roots and kiss her until she couldn't remember where she was.

  Even though she had some black goop coating her lashes and lining her lids, her skin had a slightly unnatural glitter to it, and her lips looked glossy and sticky, she was stunning. It took every ounce of willpower I could muster to reach for her hand and say, "Let's get going."

  Her eyes flicked to where my car waited at the curb. "Together? Like... in the same car?"

  I shrugged with one shoulder, like her question didn't make my chest hurt just a little. Her eyes were unreadable. "Makes sense. Better for the environment, and, you know. If there is traffic, I'd rather have company." She squeezed my hand and followed me down the front steps of the gym.

  As she ducked into her seat and I made my way to the driver's side, I tried not to think about every time I'd dated a woman and not particularly cared about whether she wanted to ride together. Was it really possible that every other person I'd dated had caused zero anxiety when I considered whether she wanted me to join her for a party, what I should wear for that party, and whether we should drive to that party together?"

  It wasn't possible, it was a fact, one that worked its way into my mind and sat there, heavy, as Natalia pointed me through every twist and turn and light of the route to Christian and Daniel’s house.

  "It's kind of ridiculous," she said, turning to me and looking sheepish as we would our way down a backroad in Haverford. "Just turn here."

  The driveway was lined with forest and made of gravel. It was the kind you wouldn’t be able to drive up or down if the winter weather got particularly icy. "Oh, it's one of those houses," I said.