Bullies Love and Lies

by liberty freer

  “He fucking marked her up,” Sully growls. “I didn’t notice that shit last night. You hurt anywhere else?”

  I open my mouth but quickly close it. My eyes dart between them.

  “You don’t remember how you got those marks, do you?” Ryan asks me, and I shake my head.

  “You don’t remember?” Sully scoffs. “Not that I’m surprised. He had you so fucked up.”

  I narrow my eyes. “Who? Jones? I was the one who drank too much. He didn’t make me drink,” I say.

  “He gave you ecstasy. That shit makes you do crazy shit. He took advantage of you,” Sully says.

  “Nobody took advantage of me,” I mumble, wishing him and Ryan would leave.

  “He fucked you,” Ryan says. “Do you remember that?”

  “He didn’t make me do anything,” I say, remembering wanting to have sex with Jones.

  “You don’t remember, so how can you know?” Ryan asks.

  “I’m going back to bed,” I mumble. “You guys can go now.” I slowly move to my bed, the pain in my vagina too painful to stand any longer. I carefully get into bed, not wanting to move too quickly. My vagina is on fire. I think something’s wrong. I squeeze my eyes shut as they fill with moisture.

  “Here,” Sully says, grabbing the Tylenol and twisting the top off to dump two pills into his hand.

  I take the pills and water he offers. Fuck. How can he care after what I did? I had drunken sex with a stranger like a true whore. I know that’s what they must be thinking. I never intended for my first time to be so public.

  “Who’s Jeff?” Ryan asks.

  My eyes widen. “How do… Where did you hear that name?”

  “You said it last night,” Sully says. “I talked to the only Jeff at the party, and he didn’t know who you were.”

  I shake my head. “Nobody. Don’t say that name. He’s nobody.”

  I watch Sully and Ryan as their eyes lock, conveying some silent message.

  “Maybe a shower or bath will help,” Sully says.

  I look over at Ryan, who’s nodding in agreement, and I can’t imagine why they’re being nice to me. I slowly make my way to the bathroom, where Sully fills the tub with water.

  “I’ll grab an ice pack for after,” Ryan mumbles, backing out of the bathroom.

  “Do you need help getting in?” Sully asks.

  “I think I’ll be okay.” I sigh. “I fucked up last night, but it was my fault.”

  Sully frowns. “You were targeted and taken advantage of.” He cracks his knuckles. “Next time I see him…” He shakes his head.

  “Next time you see him what?”

  “I told him not to touch you, and he didn’t listen,” Sully says, like Jones should listen to everything Sully tells him.

  “Jones knew better. He normally doesn’t mess with inexperienced girls. He was getting back at me,” Ryan says, stepping into the room with an ice pack in hand. “His sister and I had a thing over the summer before she left for college. It wasn’t a big deal, but it pissed Jones off.” Ryan shrugs.

  I swallow. “What? He acted like he didn’t know who you were.”

  Ryan sets the ice pack on the counter. “He tricked you, gave you E, and then left you hurting and confused. He deserves to get his ass beat.”

  “Why do you care?” I ask Ryan.

  “Nobody deserves to be manipulated that way. His goal was to get you fucked up and then fuck you, thinking it would piss me off. I mean, you don’t even remember having sex with him. How do you know it was consensual?”

  “I just know,” I mumble. “Haven’t you ever had drunken sex?”

  “Your first time isn’t supposed to be—”

  “Not everyone wants flowers and romance their first time,” I snap, cutting Sully off. “Some people just want to get it over with. I wanted to lose my virginity to a stranger, even before I came here. Are you so surprised, Ryan? You think I’m a whore anyway.”

  “They shouldn’t be so wasted that they don’t remember,” Ryan says, snatching my wrist. “Did he hold you down? Is that why you have bruises here?” I move to pull away, but he pulls me forward and then lifts my shirt, revealing the bruises on my waist. “Did you know that Jones is sadistic in the bedroom? He can’t get off unless his partner’s in pain.”

  “Knock it the fuck off,” Sully says, shoving Ryan, who laughs and then walks out.

  “Get in the bath. I’ll be outside the door if you need anything,” Sully says.

  My heart’s pounding against my chest because of Ryan’s words. Fucking Jones. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t remember much. I carefully pull off my clothes. I ease into the hot water. The heat helps my achy body, but it stings the fuck out of my vagina.

  I gently touch myself and wince. The hot water seems to be making things worse, making the burning worse. I scrub away the dried blood from between my thighs and then climb out of the tub, wrapping a towel around myself. I frown as fresh blood runs down my thigh. My period isn’t due for another couple weeks.

  I wipe myself clean before pulling on clothes and grabbing the ice pack. I open the door to see Sully leaning against the wall, staring at his phone. He looks up, confusion written on his face, probably because I took a two-minute bath.

  “The hot water… makes things worse,” I say softly, feeling embarrassed. I clear my throat. “Can I ask you a personal question? I don’t have anyone to ask. I guess I could look it up. Yeah, I’ll just do that. Never mind.” I move to walk away, but Sully stops me by catching my arm.

  “Hey, just ask. What’s wrong?”

  I bite my lip. “So, I’m pretty sore… down there,” I whisper. “And I’m bleeding a little.” I cringe. God this is embarrassing. “Not sure if this is normal or not. My friends didn’t say anything about this much pain.”

  “I don’t know. I wouldn’t think…” Sully frowns. “How painful?”

  “Standing right now is killing me,” I say.

  “Shit, come on.” Sully gestures to my room.

  The fifteen-foot walk is torture. The pressure I was feeling eases as I slide into bed. “I’m not on birth control. I don’t know if he used a condom.” I can’t believe I’m having this talk with Sully.

  “Brent’s out getting plan B,” Sully says. “He should be back soon, but there was a used condom on the floor, so Plan B is just a precaution.”

  I hide my face in my hands. “This is so embarrassing.”

  “Here.” Ryan tosses a box toward me. “Plan B.” He nods to Sully. “Brent and I are headed out. You coming?”

  Sully clears his throat and whispers something to Ryan. I grab the box that landed next to my foot, reading the instructions to give them privacy.

  “It says bleeding for a couple days after losing your virginity is normal,” Ryan says, staring at his phone screen.

  My face flames. “Oh. Okay.”

  “Do you remember if you were wet?” Ryan asks.

  “Wet?” I ask.

  Ryan rolls his eyes. “You shouldn’t be having sex if you don’t know anything about it. If your pussy isn’t lubricated, aka wet, you’re more likely to tear.”

  “Okay,” I mumble, my eyes burning a hole through the box in my hand.

  “It says if you’re still bleeding after a couple days, you should see your doctor.”

  It’s quiet after that, so I look up to see Ryan slipping his phone into his pocket.

  “You coming?” he asks Sully.

  “Yeah, I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  “Take the Plan B,” Ryan says. “And that shit was expensive, so you might want to get on birth control.”

  “Go,” Sully barks, but Ryan’s already out the door. “I’ll pick you up something to eat on my way home.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Unless you need me to stay. I—”

  “You should go. I’m tired. Gonna lie down,” I say, giving him an out so he doesn’t feel bad for leaving.

  “Text me if you need anything,” is the last thing he says before leaving the
room.

  I slip the ice pack between my legs and go to sleep.

  Chapter 21

  I end up having the house to myself for the rest of the weekend. Sully was in and out, but Ryan and Brent stayed gone. I stayed in my room, my guilt getting the best of me. It’s not the sex part that I feel guilty about. I’m glad I got that out of the way. I feel guilty because Sully knows. I didn’t want anyone to find out, but him knowing makes my stomach roll. I don’t want him to go back to hating me.

  Robbie and I are pulling up to the school when I spot Lucy running our way, wearing a gigantic grin. I’m starting to understand that the flashy colors she wears match her bright personality. Her neon-orange boots and lime-green sweater should clash, but she totally pulls it off.

  She practically tackles Robbie to embrace him in a bear hug. She’s lucky he’s so much bigger than her, or they would have both been on their asses. She pulls me in next, and despite my lack of affection growing up, it feels nice.

  “How was your weekend?” Lucy asks, releasing me.

  “Uh…” I feel my eyes filling with stupid tears. I had no intention of crying. I can’t believe I’m doing this.

  “Hey, Grant!” Robbie says, waving his arm in the air, oblivious to the fact that I'm about to fall apart. “I’ll see you guys at lunch,” Robbie throws over his shoulder, already halfway over to his bandmate.

  “Come on,” Lucy says, seeing me struggle to hold in my emotions. “Let’s talk.”

  ***

  Lucy and I are meditating. Well, she’s meditating and has been for an hour. I think she needed the time to process everything I told her. I left out details of my life before Arden. I think that might give her a heart attack.

  She was shocked to hear how Ryan’s been acting even though I told her a watered-down version. I think the drinking, drugs, and sex blew her away, because she looked horrified.

  “This was a cry for help,” Lucy says as I’m about to doze off.

  “What?”

  “This was self-destructing behavior.”

  “I agree the drinking and pill-taking was self-destructive, but the sex… my only regret is that I wasn’t in the right mind to remember much of it.” And having sex at Arden’s house might not have been the best idea, I think. I wring my hands together. “Most of my friends started having sex when we were thirteen. I wasn’t ready, and as time went on, I had more and more anxiety about it. All I could think was, am I normal down there? I tried to use a tampon once, and it would not go in. It was like a wall was stopping it from going in even an inch. I kept thinking what if I’m too small down there and not built for sex? When I was sixteen, I ended up pretending I had a boyfriend out of town because I didn’t want to be teased about being a huge prude. Lame, right?” I sigh. “Anyway, I’ve kinda just wanted to do it with a stranger, so if there was something wrong with me, I’d never have to see him again. I mean, what if I had sex for the first time with someone I loved and found out my vagina was deformed? I’d scare away my boyfriend and be heartbroken.”

  Lucy laughs. “Are you for real?”

  “I am one hundred percent for real. The first guy I kissed was a stranger I met at a bonfire when I was fifteen.” I don’t tell her that was my first consensual kiss. Lenny’s didn’t count. I didn’t participate in that. “I don’t think I would have ever gotten the courage to kiss anyone if I hadn’t kissed him.” I blush. “It sounds stupid when I say it out loud.”

  “And this is why you need the inner work so badly.” She winks. “I got you, girl.”

  I smile back, happy that someone does.

  ***

  I’m feeling great as I move around the kitchen, making an after-school snack. Lucy’s a miracle worker. She has a way of making me feel like everything will be okay. I feel like a different person after spending the day with her.

  “Hey, Emma. How was school?” Sully asks, coming in through the garage.

  I eye the basketball shorts and sleeveless shirt he’s wearing. The sides of his shirt expose the defined muscles on his torso. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate if Sully was in my class. Holy shit.

  “School was good. How was class?” Yesterday, I was too embarrassed to look Sully in the eyes. But Lucy helped me see that I need to move on from past mistakes. Lucy said wanting to lose my virginity to a stranger was based on fear, and that if I had taken the time to logically think about it, I probably wouldn’t have made that choice.

  Sully drops his backpack on the counter. “I swear, college is easier than high school.” He drops down on the stool as I’m sitting down to eat an apple and peanut butter. “Got plans today?”

  I shake my head. “Just hanging around here.”

  He runs his fingers through his hair. “If you want company—”

  “Sully,” Ryan says, walking into the kitchen. “Headed to Nick’s with everyone. You coming?”

  “I have a paper due, but I might stop by later.” Sully turns to me. “You wanna come?”

  “I didn’t invite her,” Ryan says.

  Normally, what Ryan just said would hurt me, but it’s not Ryan that’s hurting me. Lucy helped me understand that I have past trauma around rejection.

  Ryan’s hurting, scared, and taking his insecurities out on me. Arden doesn’t see the fake smiles Ryan throws his way; Arden doesn’t see Ryan’s pain. I see him. It doesn’t mean I’ll let him mistreat me, but I don’t need to get worked up over his words.

  “I think I’ll chill here,” Sully says, relaxing back in the chair.

  “Come on, Ry,” Brent says, walking in. “Everyone’s waiting.” He nods to me. “Hey, Emma.”

  “Hey… Brent,” I say, surprised he’s acknowledging me.

  Ryan looks annoyed as he and Brent shuffle out of the room.

  Sully pulls his ringing phone from his pocket to answer it. “Hey, Dad.” He nods his head even though Arden can’t see him. “Everything’s fine. Tonight? Okay... She’s right here.” He hands the phone to me. “He wants to talk to you.”

  I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Hey, kiddo. How’s it going? How’s school?”

  “Everything’s fine. School’s great.”

  “I hardly see you anymore. Mostly my fault; I’ve been so busy with the restaurant in California. I’ll be back tonight, but it’ll be late. I’ll make breakfast tomorrow, and we can catch up.”

  “It’s fine. I’ve been busy with friends. No worries,” I say, knowing it’s my fault because I've been avoiding him. I feel tears in my eyes. He cares about me without expecting anything in return, even when I’ve been the one avoiding him. Arden Croft is a good man.

  “Okay, tell the boys I love them. I’ll see you all in the morning.”

  “Sure will. Bye.”

  “You okay?”

  “Shit,” I hiss under my breath, forgetting Sully was in the room. “I’m fine.”

  “My dad cares about you.”

  I smash my lips together and nod, passing him his phone.

  “What’s wrong?” Sully asks, turning my chin to face him.

  I shake my head, and his hand drops away. “I’ve never had anyone to care about me like Arden does. It’s just not something I’m used to.” I look up at him, hoping he isn’t going to read what I’ve said the wrong way. I finally have them backing off about me trying to use Arden.

  “I’m glad my dad cares about you. You deserve to be cared about. I fucked up, letting Ryan get in my head. Ryan’s got issues.” He studies my face for a moment. “Ryan was in foster care for the first six years of his life.”

  “What?” My voice comes out high pitched. “Why?”

  “Ryan’s mom hid the pregnancy. Her and Arden were only sixteen. She was the daughter of some high government official, and a baby would have been a huge controversy. Ryan didn’t get adopted right away because he had a heart defect. He was in and out of surgery until he was three.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “He bounced around until an anonymous
person tipped Arden off. Not having stability early on gave him abandonment issues. He used to have massive anxiety when Arden would leave the house, even just to go to the grocery store.” Sully smirks. “Ryan didn’t like me living here at first either. You and I have that in common.”

  “Really?” I laugh. “Was he mean to you?”

  “As mean as a six-year-old can be. Ryan was afraid that Arden would like me more and send him away. He had problems and still does with sharing his dad. He’s worked through a lot of it in therapy.”

  “I never stood a chance coming here with that and his history with crazy women.” I’m learning more about each of them. I hope he doesn’t ask me my story. I’m not ready. “What’s your paper on?”

  “Huh?”

  “You told Ryan you have a paper due.”

  “Right, I’m not sure. I have a list of topics to choose from. It's due tomorrow.” He groans. “I hate English. Everything else is easy.”

  “I hate Math. English is okay. I haven’t taken either of those yet. Sudbury High is—” Remembering Sully had wanted to go but wasn’t allowed, I stop talking.

  He shrugs. “I was chasing a girl who went there.”

  I laugh. “Yeah? I guess Arden didn’t approve?”

  “It was eighth grade, so I think he figured it probably wouldn’t last. If I had wanted to go because of the school, I’m sure he would’ve let me.”

  I feel a twinge of jealousy, which is ridiculous. “Must have been a very pretty girl.”

  He shrugs and then grins. “I liked her bright-green braces.”

  I laugh. “Oh, well, how could Arden say no to that?”

  “I didn’t get his reasoning either.” Winking, Sully steals an apple slice from my plate and eats it in two bites. “Sudbury’s a good school. Everyone who graduates gets accepted into top colleges. What are your plans for college?”

  I push peanut butter around with the apple slice. “I’ll probably be working too much to go once I leave here.” My stomach sinks. I’ll be on my own in a few months.

  Sully softly tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “You don’t have to go.”