Don't Hate the Player...Hate the Game

by Katie Ashley

  Holy Hell, I was fighting back the hot angry tears that scorched against my eye-lids. Willing myself not to cry, I bit my lip until the metallic taste of blood rushed through my mouth. I’d be damned if I’d let my father see me cry like a pansy ass Mama’s Boy.

  “Noah, none of what I’m about to tell you is an excuse for my actions, but I want you to understand why I did what I did.” He shuddered. “I’ll admit that for many years, it didn’t bother me that I had no relationship with you. I was immature and immersed in my own good times. It wasn’t until my daughter was born that I realized what I’d lost with you. By then, I figured it was too late. I imagined you would be so angry and bitter for what I’d done to your mother and to you that you wouldn’t want to see me—”

  “But I was just a kid. You could have forced me to see you, and I would have come around!” I protested.

  Joe shook his head wildly back and forth. “I would’ve never done that to you. You see, my parents divorced when I was five. Your grandfather was an alcoholic, sometimes abusive. I never wanted to go with him on his weekends. I’d cry and cling to my mother, but he’d unwrap me from her and force me into the car. Several times, she tried to stop him by locking me in the house, but he just ended up calling the police.” He sighed and stared down at his hands. “Those are memories that still haunt me, and I’ve spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy trying to overcome them.”

  “Yeah, well I’m sorry you had a shitty childhood, but I’m not you!” I snapped.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Are you so sure?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Do you remember the last time I saw you?”

  “Yeah. You kept me for an entire weekend that you were playing in Atlanta.”

  “Yes, but do you remember what happened after that?”

  At the expression on his face, I realized he knew I remembered it all. I exhaled sharply. “Yeah, I do. But I was just a little boy. I could’ve changed my mind—I did change my mind.”

  “But what made you change your mind now?”

  I knew full well the reason for calling my dad was rifling through memorabilia and slurping on a milkshake.

  When I didn’t answer, my dad smiled. “It’s not just because of Josh that you called me, Noah.”

  “Really?”

  “I knew deep down there would be a time when you’d be curious, and you’d want to see me.” He smiled. “And thankfully my prayers got answered.”

  I widened my eyes. Jesus! Both literally and figuratively flashed in my mind. “You pray?”

  Joe laughed. “Is that so surprising?”

  “No offense, but hell yes it is. I mean, with the life you’ve led…” I snapped my mouth shut before I could say anything else hurtful.

  He arched his brows at me. “I pray precisely because of the life I’ve led. The 12 Step Program and AA, do those ring a bell?”

  “Oh shit, you are…I mean, you were an alcoholic?”

  “Yes, I am a recovering alcoholic.”

  “Wow.”

  “Does that change your view of me?” he asked.

  “No, I mean, I think it’s honorable you did something about it.”

  Joe smiled. “I’m glad to hear you say that. It means a lot.”

  Over his shoulder, I saw Maddie and Josh starting back across the field to us. I cleared my throat. “Look Joe, there’s another purpose to why I’m here today.”

  “Oh?”

  I nodded. “You see, Josh’s parents don’t make a whole lot of money, and the insurance isn’t covering all of his care. His parents are really in debt. I was wondering if you could—or if you might want to give them some money.”

  Joe stared at me in surprise. “Really?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  Then as if the day hadn’t been shocking enough, my dad suddenly lunged at me. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and rocked me back and forth. “Uh, Joe,” I said, my voice constricted from his bear hug. “Could you please knock it off with the hugs? I don’t think we’re quite to that level yet.”

  “Sorry,” he muttered before he jerked away. Tears shone in his eyes. “Noah, you don’t know how proud you’ve just made me.”

  “For hitting you up for money?” I questioned.

  He laughed. “No, not for hitting me up for money. Because of this,” he said, and pointed to my heart.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “No, I don’t suppose you do. See Noah, for so many years I was the guy everyone wanted me to be. The winner-take-all jock and the womanizer. But I grew tired of that. More importantly, I grew tired of being somebody I really wasn’t. I was ready for a change when I met my wife, Melissa. She showed me it was all right to be me.”

  A strange feeling crashed from my head to my toes like someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water over my head. “So it’s kinda like ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’, right?”

  Joe gave me a confused look. “What?”

  “Like you were a product of what society wanted of you for a long time—even though it wasn’t who you really were deep down inside.” My heartbeat accelerated as I realized everything that Joe was saying was what Jake had been feeling.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty good way to sum it up.” He smiled at me. “I’m just so glad you’re your own person, Noah. I guess I have your mother to thank for that. Maggie was always her own person. She didn’t care what society expected her to be. She always lived by her conscience.”

  The extreme feelings zigzagging through my body were getting to me a little, so I replied. “Uh, okay…Thanks man.”

  “No, thank you, Noah,” he replied. He stood up from his seat just as Maddie and Josh rejoined us. “So what do you all say we go find some dinner?”

  I shrugged still dealing with my out-of-control emotions. “Okay then.”

  Joe offered to take us to Ray’s on the River, a pretty swanky place, but in the end, we decided on the Hard Rock Café—which was more for Josh than us. While Josh had Joe talking about baseball, Joe also peppered me for questions about my life. I told him about my music, about wanting to be an engineer, and some of the other parts of my life that he had missed. He gave me his rapt attention through it all and beamed with pride at a lot of my accomplishments.

  I had to say I was pretty sad to see the check come. All the awkwardness that I imagined seemed to melt away. It made me wonder what the hell all the conflict had been about to start with. But I knew it was more than that. This wasn’t a sitcom where everything was wrapped up in a neat, tidy package in a half an hour. It was going to take a lot more time to work through the issues of the last seventeen years. But deep down, I still wanted to try. In a weird way, I think Jake would have wanted me to try as well. His “new” side would have totally dug the acceptance and forgiveness between Joe and me. So for myself and for Jake, I thought I would see where it went.

  As we started to the car, Maddie and Josh walked ahead of us with Joe and me trailing behind. Breaking the silence, Joe said, “I hope we won’t go ten more years before we see each other again, Noah,”

  “No, I don’t want that,” I answered honestly.

  “I’d really like to keep getting to know you. Would you object to getting together when I’m in town?”

  Shrugging, I replied, “Sure why not.”

  “I could even fly you out to San Diego. I could show you the sights, introduce you to your step-mother and half-sisters.”

  Scuffing the pavement with my shoe, I finally bobbed my head. “I’d like that.”

  Joe smiled. “I’d glad to hear it.”

  After silently debating whether or not to ask him, I finally blurted, “Speaking of getting together. I’d really love for you to come to my graduation in a few weeks. I mean, if you can…”

  “I’ll make it work.”

  We then hugged each other one last time. “So, I’ll talk to you soon,” I said.

  “I’ll be looking forward to it.”


  ***

  Josh was out cold by the time we got on the interstate. Maddie looked back at him and grinned. “I can’t thank you enough for today, Noah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy or excited.”

  “I’m glad he had a good time. I want to thank you guys, too.”

  “Us?”

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t have had the courage to call my dad if it hadn’t been for you guys,” I said.

  “Then I’m glad we could help. Your dad seems like a really nice guy,” Maddie said.

  “Yeah, he does.”

  Maddie was quiet for a minute. Always playing the peacemaking Dr. Phil she asked, “Do you think you can forgive him?”

  I took one of my hands off the wheel to rub my eyes. Once again, she was totally intune with what I was thinking and feeling. I kept wondering myself if I could forgive Joe and move on—if he could actually have a place in my life as a father. “That’s a hard one.”

  “Yeah, forgiveness is a hard,” Maddie murmured.

  I sighed. “I really want to forgive him. I mean, he is totally changed from the jerk who knocked up my mom and ran off. It would be nice to have him in my life. I guess we can start over.”

  Maddie smiled encouragingly at me. “It’s never too late.” As she turned to stare out the windshield, her expression momentarily darkened. “Sometimes it’s easy to forgive. It’s forgetting that’s harder.”

  I raised my eyebrows. I wanted to know if she might be talking about Jake, so I pressed her for information. “Who have you had to forgive?”

  Maddie didn’t answer me. She stared ahead into the dark night. “Maddie?” I prompted.

  “My brother Will.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  “He’s hurt us all so much—my parents especially. Sometimes I want to hit him really hard for what he’s put them through.” She glanced down at her hands folded in her lap. “But in the end, I always forgive him…I just can never forget everything bad.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She turned to me and smiled. “Thank you.”

  We spent the rest of the drive in silence with only the muted sound of the radio filling the car. When I pulled into her driveway, Maddie’s house was still dark. “Where are your parents?”

  “My dad had a wedding tonight. They won’t be home until around eleven, I guess.”

  I hopped out of the Jeep and pulled Josh to me. He snored slightly as I carried him up the front stairs. Maddie held the door open for me. At the thoughts of taking him up the flight of stairs to his bedroom, I groaned.

  Maddie must’ve read my thoughts because she giggled. “Just put him down here on the couch. He sleeps better there than he does in his own bed.”

  I nodded and eased him down. When I turned around, Maddie was gone. She returned in an instant with Josh’s pajamas.

  “Can you help me?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  I pulled Josh into a sitting position. Maddie lifted his shirt over his head and then eased the pajama top over him. She noticed my hesitation at his shorts, so she unbuttoned them and slid them off. I had to bite my tongue from laughing. He was wearing Scooby Doo underwear.

  Once she was finished, Maddie pulled the blanket over him.

  A noise in the kitchen caused us both to jump. “Wait, I thought you just said your parents weren’t going to be home until eleven,” I whispered.

  “They’re not.”

  I grabbed the poker off the fireplace and started for the kitchen. Maddie was right behind me, her hand rested on my belt loop. When I flicked on the light, a disheveled-looking figure stood with the refrigerator door open.

  “Hey Maddie,” a slurry voice said.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Maddie. Her eyes widened. “You’re not supposed to be here!”

  “Who is that?” I demanded.

  Maddie blushed. “It’s Will.”

  Speak of the devil. I stared in disbelief at the ragged figure before me. Somewhere in his dirty face I saw some semblance of Josh. I couldn’t believe he was really standing in front of me.

  She shook her head. “You have to leave, Will.”

  Cocking his head, he challenged, “Now is that any way to treat your big brother?”

  “But you know the rules. Until you get clean, you’re not allowed to be around me or Josh.”

  At the mention of Josh, Will’s face flooded with concern. “How is he?”

  Maddie sighed. “He’s better. The doctors think the treatment is going to work.”

  Will bit down on his lip a minute before he finally replied, “That’s good to hear.” He then turned his attention to me. “Who’s this? Another punk playing you to get a little ass?”

  Maddie gasped, and I stepped forward. “Hey don’t talk to her that way!”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Wow, another chivalrous little douchebag, huh? Just like that last fucker. What was his name? The one who blew himself up.” He chuckled harshly. “What an idiot!”

  “Don’t you fucking say a word about Jake!” I shouted, shoving Will with all my might. His dark eyes narrowed at me. “Easy, you don’t want to get me riled.”

  Breathing harshly, I countered, “If you say or do anything to Maddie, I’ll break your head it.”

  Will quirked his brows at me before turning to Maddie. “He must really be wanting you bad if he’s willing to take up for you.” He then gave me a wink. “I wouldn’t waste my time, ace. Her legs are locked together at the knees like a good little girl!”

  “You bastard! Don’t you dare say anything shitty like that about my Maddie!” My anger momentarily faltered as I realized my slip-up. I’d called Maddie mine. Was she mine?

  My thoughts were interrupted by Maddie’s cries. Her sobbing pierced through to my soul. With clenched fists, I stepped forward. “Look, she asked you nicely to leave, and now I’m telling you. Get out!”

  “Fuck you!”

  Maddie gasped and stepped in front of me. Tears streamed down her cheek, and she was trembling all over. “Please don’t do this, Will? Why do you have to be this person? You’re breaking Mom and Dad’s heart!” she cried.

  Will’s eyes flashed angrily. “What do you know of anything? I see you. You’re just a cardboard cutout—Mom and Dad’s beautiful little princess.” He snorted. “You make me sick.”

  As the tears streamed down her cheeks, Maddie’s fists clenched at her side. “Get out!” she shrieked.

  I took a step towards him. “You heard her. Get out, man. Right now before I call the cops.”

  Will’s dark eyes gleamed. “Why don’t you make me?”

  Before I knew what was happening, he’d lunged forward at me. I ducked. Then I popped back up, pummeling him once in the chin and then in the ribcage. He moaned and fell over.

  “Now get out,” I growled.

  When I turned to check on Maddie, Will lunged at my legs, knocking me to the floor. On the way down, I busted my lip on the edge of the table. We started kicking and scuffling on the kitchen floor.

  The next sound I heard was the unmistakable click of a gun. Will and I both gazed up to see Maddie standing over us with pistol. “Get out, Will,” she commanded.

  He shook his head before pulling himself to his feet. “Bitch,” he mumbled and then he stalked out the back door, slamming it behind him.

  Maddie dropped the gun on the table. “Noah, are you all right?”

  I wiped the blood off my lip. “I’m fine.”

  “No you’re not, you’re bleeding!”

  “It’s okay, Maddie. I’ve had busted lips before.”

  “Wait, I’ll get you some ice.”

  “Frozen peas or vegetables work better.”

  She nodded and ran to the freezer.

  I was finally coming out of my stupor. “Um, since when do you know how to use a gun?”

  “Daddy made me and my mom take a gun class when we were living in Memphis. I was just fourteen at the time, but I was one of the best shots around.”

  I pulled myse
lf into a sitting position. It was certainly turning into an interesting night.

  Maddie came back over to me. With shaky hands, she thrust out a bag of black-eyed peas. “Will this do?”

  “Maddie?” Josh’s drowsy voice questioned from the doorway.

  I exchanged a horrified glance with her before she replied, “Uh yeah?” She quickly stepped in front of Josh so he couldn’t see me on the floor.

  Grinding his eyes with his fists, he said, “I thought I heard voices and fighting.”

  With a nervous laugh, she went to his side. “I think you must’ve been dreaming. You better get upstairs and get into bed. You don’t want Mom and Dad to catch you still up.”

  “Okay,” he replied.

  I didn’t breathe, let alone speak, until I heard the patter of his feet on the ceiling above me. “That was close.”

  Maddie rubbed her face with her hands. “Yes, it was.” Glancing over her shoulder at me, she grimaced. “You need cleaning up.”

  She hurried over to the sink and then came back with a wet rag. “Here, let me.” Tenderly, she wiped the blood off my lip and cleaned the cut.

  “I had no idea Will was that bad,” I said. At her surprised look, I replied, “I mean, I know you told me he had been in and out of rehab, but I just didn’t expect…”

  Maddie gave me a tight smile. “For him to be so awful to me?”

  “Yeah.” I gripped the bag of peas tight. “Even if he is your brother, I could’ve punched his lights out even more for the things he said to you.”

  “My Knight in Shining Armor,” Maddie murmured.

  “I guess.”

  She shook her head sadly. “I hate you had to see him like that. He used to be such a good guy.”

  “Yeah, that happens when you get hooked on drugs,” I said lamely.

  Maddie didn’t say anything. I had wanted to wait for a better time to give her the money, but now seemed like the best opportunity. I reached into my wallet and pulled out the check my dad had slipped me at dinner. Once I’d seen the amount, I knew why he’d given it to me then—I couldn’t protest loudly in front of the others at the amount. I did a good enough job silently when my eyes bulged from their sockets.

  “Maddie, I want you to have something.”