by Katie Ashley
She pressed herself closer against me. “Please Noah,” she begged.
So let me recap here. I was out in the middle of Eastbumblefuck. The girl I thought I was in love with was standing before me, soaked to the bone, in nothing but a white camisole and her underwear. Oh, and she was begging me to sleep with her. What do you think I did?
Like some testosterone raging Incredible Hulk, the horny asshole in me broke free, and I seized the moment. I crushed my lips against hers. Her lips opened momentarily, and I took the opportunity to plunge my tongue in her mouth, thrusting hard and fast against her.
Panting, we rammed against the trunk of an oak tree. Then I became an eight armed octopus, raking my hands over her body. I cupped her breasts, teasing her nipples to hardened points. “Noah,” Maddie moaned.
All the while, I moved my hips against her, mimicking what I wanted to do once we weren’t clothed. I slid my palm along her thigh and then between her legs. When I began stroking her gently, she cried out and rocked against my hand.
But as I dared myself to slide one finger in her heat, an overwhelming feeling of disgust and regret washed over me. That was all it took for the Horny Hulk to deflate. I jerked away from her. I tried catching my breath while I raked my hand through my hair. “I can’t,” I murmured.
Tears sprung in her eyes. “Why?”
“Because I care about you too much to do this. You’d hate yourself in the morning, and you’d hate me even more. It’s your gift, remember? It’s yours to give, and I’m not your husband to take it.”
“It’s me, isn’t it?”
I rolled my eyes. “Jesus, are you even listening to me? More than that, are you incapable of feeling how much I wanted you?” I gestured wildly towards my crotch. “Damn, I’ll probably either have to go take a dip in the pond or take a cold shower tonight because of you.”
My little pep talk didn’t help. She started sobbing. “I just want someone to love me.”
Man, you’re so fucking blind. Jake loved you…hell, I love you. I tentatively put my hand on her shoulder. “You have lots of people who love you, Maddie.”
She shook her head. “Not like that. I mean a guy—a guy like you who wants me as more than a friend. I’m almost eighteen years old, and I’ve never had that!”
There had been so many times that I should’ve told her about the ring, and here was another example. Most of all, I needed to tell her how I truly felt about her. I opened my mouth to say something, and then it happened. She turned around and puked all over a bush. I grabbed up her hair as she heaved over and over again. She wiped her hand on the back of her mouth.
When she finally glanced up at me, there was such hurt in her eyes. I stepped forward just in time for her to tip forward and pass out. I stared up at the sky and rolled my eyes. “Fuck my life!” I grumbled as I gathered her up in my arms and started towards the Jeep.
***
Holding Maddie, I couldn’t unlock the door, so I had to ring the doorbell. Thankfully Mom, rather than Greg, answered the door. At the sight of me carrying an unconscious Maddie in my arms like Fabio in some trashy romance novel cover, her eyes widened. “What in the world?” she demanded.
“She got drunk at Blaine’s party and passed out,” I grunted as I stepped through the foyer.
Mom slapped my arm. “Noah! How could you let her get drunk?”
I rolled my eyes. “Jesus Mom, I didn’t force her to drink it.”
“Don’t say, ‘Jesus’,” she admonished.
“Whatever.”
“Well, you should’ve been watching her better.”
“Presley needed to talk to me,” I replied.
Mom arched a dark eyebrow skeptically at me.
“Yes, she really needed to talk to me,” I said.
Mom sighed. “Get her settled on the couch and then you and I are going to have a long talk about this party,” she ordered, in a no-nonsense tone.
I didn’t argue. Instead, I gently laid Maddie down on the couch. I pulled the mauve throw off the back and draped it over before rubbing her cheek tenderly When I turned around, Mom’s expression had completely changed. Instead of being in a pissed Rambo mode, she was gaping at me.
“What?” I asked.
“You love her,” she murmured.
My eyes bulged. “No, I, uh…shit!”
Mom smiled knowingly at me. “Yes, you do. I can’t believe I didn’t see it until just now.”
Maddie stirred on the couch, and I stiffened. “Can we please discuss this somewhere else?”
Mom nodded and motioned for the sun room. I followed her out there and shut the door behind me.
“There’s nothing wrong with you loving her, honey” Mom said, softly.
“I know that.”
“Then why are you fighting it so much?”
Grimacing, I jerked a hand through my hair. “Because….of Jake.”
Mom’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What does Jake have to do with Maddie?”
“Everything,” I muttered before plopped down in a wicker chair across from Mom. “You know that night that Mr. Nelson and I were in Jake’s room?”
She nodded.
“Well, we found something that was pretty shocking.” From the look on her face, I could tell my mom was preparing herself for anything considering it was Jake. “It was an engagement ring.”
Well, maybe she hadn’t prepared herself for that. “What?” she questioned in a high, pitched shriek.
I nodded. “Yeah. He had the box wrapped up in the song lyrics to You Were Always on My Mind”.
“But who in the world was Jake in love with?”
I drew in a painful, ragged breath. “Maddie.”
Mom widened her eyes. “You can’t be serious! Jake Nelson, who was never faithful to a girl for over five minutes, was in love with a preacher’s daughter?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know how. Why do any two people fall in love? It just happens.”
“You’re right, sweetie. That was a silly question.” Mom cocked her head in thought. “And I suppose Jake did have his good points.”
“And he changed,” I admitted.
“He did?”
“Yeah, in the last few months of his life. Then he’d also told me he’d fallen in love, but he wouldn’t tell me who because he hadn’t told the girl yet. I just never imagined it was Maddie.”
She leaned forward and took my hand in hers. “But did Maddie love Jake?”
Even though I knew the answer, I didn’t want the words to leave my lips. “Yes, she did,” I murmured.
“And does Maddie love you?”
My gaze snapped to meet Mom’s. “What?”
Mom smiled. “You heard me.”
I got up from the chair and started pacing around. “I don’t know if she does or not. I mean, I know she loved Jake—she probably still does. Jesus, what kind a friend am I to hit on my dead best friend’s girl?”
“But she wasn’t his girl, Noah,” Mom protested.
“Yeah, she was. He may not have openly acknowledged it as well as he should, but he loved her. I thought he was incapable of loving anyone but himself, but I was wrong.”
“Have you talked to Maddie about any of this?”
“No.”
“You haven’t told her about the ring?”
I couldn’t help squirming in my seat under Mom’s intense glare. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I was waiting. I wanted to be sure it was her before I said anything.”
Mom raised her eyebrows. “Waiting for what? For Maddie to realize she liked you instead of Jake?”
I stared her before blinking a few times in disbelief. How in the hell could she see through me so well? “Maybe,” I muttered.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Mom said, “I’m guessing you’ve known the ring belonged to Maddie for a long time, but you didn’t want to tell her.”
“Yeah,�
�� I muttered.
“But why?”
“Cause I’m a selfish prick!” I exclaimed rising out of my chair.
Mom didn’t bother chastising my language. She knew I was too upset. “Honey, you have to tell her about Jake. But most of all, you have to tell her how you feel about her.”
I raised my eyebrows. “And just what am I supposed to say? ‘Oh by the way, Maddie, deep down, Jake was in love with you. How do I know? Oh, because he bought you a fat diamond engagement ring. But I guess it’s a good thing he’s dead because guess what? I’m in love with you’!”
Mom gave me an exasperated look. “No, I think you can do it better than that.”
I sunk back down in the chair. “I’ve never…felt this way about anybody like I do Maddie. I’m…afraid.”
“Of being shot down?”
“Of losing her,” I murmured.
Mom sat down beside me. Her eyes welled with tears. “Oh sweetie, I’ve always wanted you to be in love with someone. I was so afraid I’d caused you to be jaded and bitter towards love. I’m so happy you’ve found it. But more than anything in the world, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. Then I shook my head. “But you’re right. I have to tell Maddie the truth. It isn’t fair keeping all this from her. She deserves better than that.” I glanced back at the living room. “As soon as she wakes up, I’ll tell her.”
Mom smiled. “Good. You’ll feel better when you do.” We stood up to start inside, but Mom doubled over. “Ouch!”
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah, your little sister gets temperamental this time of night. She must be hungry.”
I stared at her belly. “Want to feel her?” Mom questioned.
Not just no, but HELL NO! screeched in my mind, but I bit my tongue. “Um, uh…” I finally muttered.
Mom laughed. “Only if you want to, Noah. I’m not going to make you do it.”
I forced a smile to my lips as I prepared to conquer the unknown. “Sorry. It’s just kinda weird thinking about it, but yeah, why not. I’ll do it.”
She took my hand in hers and placed in on a particular spot. I felt a tiny bump, bump under the surface. I glanced up at Mom. “She’s pretty strong.”
“Yes, she is.”
“By those kicks, I guess she’s going to be the one to inherit the Sullivan sports gene that I obviously missed out on,” I mused.
“You didn’t miss out on the sports gene. You simply chose not to do it.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you remember playing T-Ball?”
“Yeah, and I sucked.”
Mom shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You were one of the best players on the team.”
“I was?”
“Yes, you were.”
“Then why did I quit?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you were afraid of not measuring up to your father, or maybe you were afraid of hurting me. Who knows. Sometimes we just have two sides to us, Noah. One that we’re willing to let the world see, and then the other that we hide deep within ourselves.”
Mom’s words cut me to my soul. Maybe Jake and I weren’t so different. He had hid a side of himself from everyone—except for Maddie and Pastor Dan. So why would it be so crazy to think I’d done the same thing with the part of me that was like my dad.
Mom smiled. “As for your sister, she’s not hiding her ability to be an accomplished dancer—I’m getting a tap dancer vibe.”
“Maybe.”
“Do you know I can remember the first time I felt you kick?”
I raised my eyebrows. “You do?”
Mom nodded. “It was right after your father told me he didn’t love me, and he wasn’t going to marry me.”
“Seriously?”
“He’d strung me along for a few months after I told him I was pregnant. Then he finally leveled with me. I was crying so hard and all the sudden I felt you.” Tears welled in Mom’s eyes, and she smiled. “It was like you were telling me in your own little way that you’d always be here for me—no matter what happened.”
Wow, I was kinda overwhelmed. “Mom…”
She waved me away with her hand. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m on hormone overload right now.”
“Well, that’s true, but I wanted to say-” I drew in a deep breath. “I wanted to say thanks.”
Mom’s eyebrows furrowed together. “For what?”
“You know—for having me and for always loving me, no matter what.”
My declaration sent Mom’s hormones skyrocketing. She was laughing and crying at the same time as she pulled me into her arms. “How did I get such a wonderful son?”
I fought the urge to argue with her that deep down I was a real shit. A real screwed up mess and a half-assed version of a man. But I kept my mouth shut.
Mom patted my back. “All right, I think that’s enough on the shows of affection. We need to get to bed.”
After we walked back into the living room, Mom eyed Maddie’s damp cami and underwear. “Let me get something to put on her. She’d die of mortification to wake up in the morning half-naked.” She turned and headed down the hall to her bedroom.
I sat down on the couch next to Maddie, watching her sleep. Her hair was still wet from swimming. As I pushed a stray strand away from her face, my heart thudded in my chest.
Mom came back with a gown. She gave me a look. “Even though you’ve practically seen everything, you can have the decency to turn your back.”
“Well, I haven’t gotten to see everything,” I countered, shooting Mom a sly smile.
She rolled her eyes. “God, what a typical man thing to say.” She motioned to Maddie. “You can pull her up for me before you turn around.”
“If you insist,” I replied. I peeled back the blanket and gently grabbed Maddie’s shoulder’s pulling her forward. Once Mom held Maddie’s shoulders, I turned my head, so I wouldn’t get a glimpse at her bare breasts after Mom pulled off the cami. At the sound of the fabric smacking to the floor, I jumped. I waited until I knew Mom had pulled the pale blue gown over Maddie’s head. Once she was clothed, I eased Maddie back down on the couch and covered her up. She didn’t stir once.
Mom started for the stairs but then stopped. “Coming?”
I shook my head. “I want to stay downstairs with her in case she wakes up in a strange place and freaks out.”
She gave me a skeptical look, and I rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, Mom! Give me a little credit that I’m not going to molest a passed out girl!”
Mom nodded. “All right. Goodnight then. Come and get me if you need anything.”
“Okay.”
I sat listening to Maddie’s small snores for what felt like an eternity. Each time I would almost doze off, my mind would begin whirling again, and I would wake up. I’d probably been asleep maybe an hour when I snapped wide awake. There was something I needed to do, so I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
It was after four am when I pulled into Rolling Gardens. I’d never been to a cemetery at night before. I guess I had this freaky image of skeletons or zombies busting out of graves doing highly choreographed dance moves like in Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I was relieved when I found everything quiet as the dead, no pun intended. I grabbed my flashlight out of the dashboard and started the walk towards mausoleum.
Once I reached the bronze plaque baring Jake’s name, I cleared my throat. “Hey, man,” I said, my voice echoing a little off the marble walls. “Yeah, I realize you’re probably wondering what’s gotten my ass out at this time of night, least of all what I’m doing here in the cemetery talking to your ashes.”
Kicking at a blade of grass with my toe, I added, “I’m kinda wondering the same thing myself. But let me tell you something buddy, things have been pretty fucked up since you died. I mean, there’s all this drama shit going on. Yeah, I know—when is there not drama, but seriously, you left one more freakin’ mess when you blew out of here.” I glanced up at the br
onze plaque as a chill went over me. I shuddered and shook my head. “Sorry dude about that last line.”
I sat down on the bench bearing his name. “Listen, man, I just wanna say I’m sorry about the whole Presley thing. I would’ve never made out with her and almost gotten off had I known she was…pregnant.” Another shudder ricocheted through my body. “And what’s up with that? You found out that weekend, and you couldn’t even call me and tell me what was going on? That was some epic news man—shit that your best friend deserved to know! Best friends are supposed to talk to each other—tell each other about things. Not leave freakin’ cryptic text messages and shit!”
With my blood pumping, I hopped off the bench. “And there’s one more thing, and that’s Maddie!” I cried, my voice rising a little. “I mean, what the hell was that all about? You loved her, you dickhead, didn’t you?”
I threw my hands up in exasperation. “And you thought you couldn’t tell me? I was your best friend, you douchebag! I had a right to know who you were in love with—not get some bullshit answer like, ‘I’ll tell you when I tell her’. I had a right to know you had some semblance of a heart. But what do you do? You hide her away like you were ashamed of her or something. What a dumbass!” The ache in my chest tightened, and I rubbed the place over my heart, trying to get rid of it.
I stepped forward. “Maddie is—amazing. She’s beautiful and sweet and kind and way too good for you! If you loved her, how could you not tell her every single day? Seriously dude, she deserved better!”
I started to stalk away, but then I stopped. I turned back as tears welled in my eyes. “Hey man, I gotta be honest. I deserved better, too.” Wiping my eyes, I added, “All those years through all your bullshit, I was by your side. Even though most of the time you treated me like crap, I was still there. When your dad was an ass, when you needed homework help, or a DD, I WAS THERE! But what about you, huh? Living some double life, going on mission trips, and volunteering and then lying about the whole damn thing! What the hell? Yeah, you were really acting like a Christian, man! WWJD, right? Well, I guarantee you Jesus wouldn’t be panty chasing and getting drunk every other night!”
I dried my eyes. “Yeah, I know what you’d say right now. What about me, huh? Yeah, I’ll admit I haven’t actually been playing fair. I’ve scammed on your girl, right? Well, it’s over. I’m telling her the truth about the ring just as soon as she wakes up. And if she wants you, I’ll walk away, man. You can have her in life and in death. But I am going to tell her how I feel. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from your death, it’s to be honest with the people you love.”
