by Katie Ashley
Turning on my heels, I headed down the hill to my Jeep. When I got there, I stood with my hand hovering over the door handle. I mean, what the hell was I doing here? What had possessed me to come out to the cemetery in the middle of the night to yell at Jake? Did I think he was going to talk back? I thought by confronting him in some way, I’d feel better. But I didn’t.
I shook my head and climbed inside the Jeep. Making a right out of the cemetery, I started the drive over to Jake’s house. It was almost five when I pulled into the driveway, but I didn’t care. I marched right up the steps and rang the doorbell.
The Asshole answered the door in his robe. He raised his eyebrows. “Good morning, Noah. Nice to see you up so early on a Saturday morning,” he muttered, sarcastically.
“Yeah, I know it’s early, but I need the ring.”
“Why?”
“Because I know who it belongs to.”
His expression softened. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
He held open the door for me, and I stepped inside the foyer.
Mrs. Nelson appeared on the landing of the stairs. “Martin, who was at the door?”
“It’s Noah, Ev,” he replied.
She hurried down the stairs. “Is something wrong, Noah?”
“No, Mrs. Nelson. I’m sorry to wake you guys up so early, but I came by for the ring.”
“So you know who it belongs to?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Who is it?” the Asshole pressed.
I drew in a breath. I realized once I spoke the name, I couldn’t deny it or take it back. “It’s Maddie Parker,” I finally replied.
The Asshole literally gasped. “Pastor Dan’s daughter? The one who was tutoring Jake?”
“Yes.”
“That’s unbelievable.”
With a shrug, I replied, “That’s what I thought, but the more I’ve been with her, the more I see what he saw in her. The fact that he hid her away kinda goes along with the song lyrics too.”
Mrs. Nelson didn’t say anything. She appeared deep in thought. Finally, she glanced up at me. “Thank you so much, Noah. I know this wasn’t an easy undertaking.”
I wheezed out a frustrated breath. “No, it wasn’t. In fact it was pure hell.”
She gave a bark of a laugh before motioning me with her hand. “Come on up, and I’ll get it for you.”
I followed her up the stairs and then turned down the familiar hallway to Jake’s room. It was just the way it had been the last time I’d been in there. When she saw the look on my face, Mrs. Nelson smiled. “Martin wants me to pack up everything, but I just can’t. Not now.”
I merely nodded. She opened Jake’s top dresser drawer and took out the ring box. She handed it to me along with the song lyrics. It weighed much heavier in my palm than it should have.
“There’s something else I want you to take, Noah,” she said. She went over to Jake’s closet and took out a bag. “This is what he had with him at his grandparents when he was killed.” She dug among some possessions until she pulled out an ordinary notebook and handed it to me. “I think you’ll find some of the reading interesting.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “I will?”
She nodded. “Jake was always a complicated little boy. A lot more than Jonathan or Jason. I shouldn’t be surprised that his teenage life was complicated too.”
I didn’t know what to say. She was trying to tell me something, but I was too physically tired and emotionally spent to understand. I merely bobbed my head and started toward the door.
“Noah?” she called.
I whirled around. “Yes, Mrs. Nelson?”
She stared down at her hands. “Tell Presley we’d very much like to see her, and we certainly want to be a part of our grandchild’s life.”
The wind left my body, and I collapsed back against the door frame. “Excuse me?”
Mrs. Nelson jerked her head up to give me a genuine smile. “You know what I’m talking about.”
The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, and I just wanted to be out of there. “Okay, I will,” I replied. Then I bolted from the room. I sprinted down the stairs, not even calling a goodbye to the Asshole who was standing in the foyer.
I don’t think I took a breath until I was safely inside my Jeep. Instead of heading home, I drove down to the cul-de-sac below Jake’s house. I grabbed the notebook and flipped it open. The first couple of pages were notes and homework from school. Some of it was in Jake’s handwriting and others were in Maddie’s. I was half-way through the notebook and wondering why the hell Mrs. Nelson wanted me to have it when I came across the note.
Dear Maddie,
I know you’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter. I’m surprised myself that this dumb jock is actually putting thoughts down on paper. But you shouldn’t be surprised though. It’s your influence, I know.
I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve screwed up. I know you hate that word—but trust me, it’s the only one that can fully describe what a mess I’ve made of my life. The bad thing is what I’ve done affects us. I got some news today that pretty much floored me. I’m going to be a father, Maddie. Presley is pregnant, and it’s mine. I know that for sure.
I don’t know if you know how much I love you, Maddie. You probably don’t since I’ve been such an asshole and kept it all inside. I’ve always hoped that deep down you knew—that you felt it when we were together. If you didn’t, I’m so sorry. I can blame anything and everything, but in the end, it’s all my fault. I should have told you. I wish I would have said all the things that were inside me. I wish I’d made you mine, but I didn’t. And I’m still being a coward because instead of doing it to your face, I’m giving you a letter instead.
I can never thank you enough for what you’ve meant in my life. You didn’t make me a better person. Instead, you dragged the real me out—even if it was only for short periods of time. I wish I had your courage, Maddie. Don’t ever let people make you doubt yourself, and don’t ever forget what an awesome girl you are.
I don’t want you to ever think any of this was your fault. To question if we had allowed ourselves to go to the next level, would this have happened? Don’t ever do that, Maddie. I love you too much for you to blame yourself for my stupid and irresponsible actions. I also loved you too much to take the gift that wasn’t mine to take. The truth is you’re too good for me, and you deserve someone better—someone like my buddy, Noah, who would worship you each and every day you were together—”
I stopped reading and gasped. My breathing came in erratic pants. Tears burned and blurred my vision, and it was several long minutes before I could start reading again.
I know this sounds like good-bye, and it is in a way. I know you’ll never have me after this—after I’ve cheated on you in the way I have. Yeah, we weren’t an official couple, but I should have told you months ago that I had feelings for you. But it’s okay; I understand. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing. I’m going to support Presley, and I’m going to be a father to our child.
No matter what happens, I’ll always love you—you’ll always be on my mind.
Love Jake
I must’ve stared at the letter for twenty minutes after I read it. I read it and reread it—trying desperately to let each and every word sink in. I couldn’t believe he’d mentioned me—that he’d suggested I’d be somebody who would love Maddie. How in the world could he have known that?
Most of all, he was stepping aside. For the first time in his life, Jake was really being a man. He was taking responsibility for his actions. More than that, he was actually making sacrifices for somebody—two people in fact. “Dammit!” I cried, banging my fist against the steering wheel. It wasn’t right he was gone. Just when he had gotten his shit together, he’d been taken away, and it wasn’t fucking fair. There was a baby who would never know his or her father, and Presley would have to truly be a single mother.
It hit me l
ike a train charging through my chest that Mrs. Nelson had known. She’d read the notebook, and she’d known. More than that, she hadn’t told the Asshole. I started to wonder why in the hell she hadn’t told me. Then I imagined she felt there was some purpose in this quest—something more for me to discover than just her. It was then I realized how wise Mrs. Nelson had been. I’d discovered so much about Jake, but I’d discovered a lot more about myself. And she’d wanted that for me. Just as Jake was an adopted member of my family, I was of hers—well, to everyone but the Asshole.
As the first streaks of amber and orange made their way across the morning sky, I knew I needed to head home. I was exhausted—mentally and physically. The house was still and quiet when I walked through the door. Maddie was still sleeping.
I eased down in the floor beside her. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I give her the ring and leave things the way they were? Should I give her the ring and the letter and tell her how much I loved her? Dammit, why was my life so complicated!
My head started to dip as I nodded off. At the sound of a soft moan, my eyes snapped open to see Maddie waking up. Her eyelids fluttered as her head slowly moved from side to side. When she opened her eyes, she frantically scanned the room.
“It’s okay. You’re at my house,” I whispered.
At the sound of my voice, she bolted up on the couch—causing the blanket to fall away. The perv in me couldn’t help but noticing how sexy she looked with her hair all wild and the way the satiny spaghetti straps of the gown hung loose on her shoulders. Then I remembered it was my mother’s gown. Damn, a psychiatrist would have a field day with me.
“Noah, what am I doing here?”
“You got drunk at the party, and you passed out. I knew I couldn’t take you home, so I brought you here.”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I-I got d-drunk?” she stammered.
“Yes, you did.”
“Oh no,” she moaned, her face flushing.
“It’s okay, Maddie. It happens sometimes.”
“Not to me it doesn’t!”
“Well, it did last night.”
Raking her hand through her unkempt hair, Maddie moaned, “But your mom—she must think I’m terrible!”
“Actually, she was more pissed at me.”
She stared down at her hands. That was when she noticed the gown, and she gasped. “M-My clothes?”
I sighed. “The truth?”
“Yes!” she screeched.
“You took them off at the party.”
Mortification filled her face as Maddie covered her mouth with her hand. “I did?”
“Everybody went swimming in Blaine’s pond. When we got here, my mom put the gown on you.”
Maddie nodded. She absentmindedly traced the outline of the design on the blanket. “Um, did I…did we…?”
I held my hands up defensively. “No, of course not.”
Surprise flashed in her eyes. “We didn’t?”
My lips formed a crooked grin. “I’d like to think if you’d been with me, you’d remember it,” I teased.
“Noah,” Maddie pleaded.
I knew I didn’t have to tell her anything about what went on the night before because she would never remember any of it, but I’d been lying to her for so long that I wanted to level with her. “We kissed.”
“Oh we did?”
“Yes,” I answered dutifully. “In case you’re wondering, it was pretty amazing.”
“It was?” Maddie questioned in a whisper.
“Yeah.”
She stared up into my eyes and then smiled slightly. “I wish I could remember.”
I returned her smile. “I wish you could. Maybe we’ll give it a try again.”
Her face flushed again, but she did nod her head. “Did anything else happen?”
Oh fuck. She would have to ask that. Playing with a thread on my shirt, I finally replied, “A little.” When her eyebrows shot up, I quickly replied, “Just a little second base action.” I decided to pace myself and not totally freak her out by admitting I’d gotten to third.
“Did I enjoy it too?”
I snapped my gaze to hers. “I think you did,” I murmured.
“Good.”
We sat staring at each other for a moment before I cleared my throat. “Maddie, I really need to talk to you about something. But first, why don’t you get a shower, and I’ll fix us some breakfast?”
“Okay.”
I took her upstairs. I quickly detoured past my bathroom—afraid for her to see what a slob I was—and got her set up in the guest bathroom. “I’ll leave your clothes outside the door for you.”
“Thanks, Noah.”
When I heard the water turn on, I went back downstairs and out to the Jeep. I quickly fluffed her wrinkled clothes in the dryer along with her underwear, which I tried not to ogle for too long, and then I took them back upstairs.
I met Mom in the hallway. “Morning, honey.”
“Morning.”
“I’ll go start on breakfast, okay?”
I nodded and followed her back downstairs. Mom whipped up a quick batch of bacon, eggs, and toast. She had just finished when Maddie walked shyly into the kitchen. “Good morning, Maddie,” Mom said.
Maddie smiled weakly. “Good morning, Mrs. Anderson.” Playing with the hem on her shirt, she stared down at the kitchen floor. “I want to apologize about my behavior last night,” she began.
Mom shook her head. “No need to apologize. We all have our moments. It doesn’t change who we really are.”
Maddie jerked her head up in surprise as Mom’s answer. A pleased expression formed on her face as she eased into a seat at the kitchen table. Mom made small talk with us through breakfast, but I could tell both Maddie and I were anxious to be alone. As soon as she put her napkin on her plate, I stood up. “Wanna go for a walk before I take you home?”
Maddie nodded. “Thank you for the delicious breakfast and letting me stay last night,” she said politely.
Mom smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I led Maddie outside through the glass door. We walked out in the backyard, and I steered her over to the swing. It was shady there under a canopy of trees.
“So what is it you want to talk to me about?”
I stared into her eyes. “I’ve not been honest with you.”
“About what?”
“Jake.”
Maddie’s brows rose in surprise. “What do you mean?”
I sighed. “Remember that night you and I took Jake’s things down to the funeral home?”
She nodded.
“Well, earlier that night, Mr. Nelson and I found something in Jake’s room. Something he was meaning to give to the girl he truly loved.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring box. I leaned over and gently put it in her hands. “It was wrapped in the lyrics to You Were Always on My Mind.”
Maddie gasped as he cracked open the box and stared down at the diamond. “I don’t believe it.”
“You should because it was meant for you.” My heart constricted in my chest as I added, “And you were meant for him.” Maddie snapped her gaze from the ring to me, and I nodded. “He loved you, Maddie.”
“How can you be sure?”
I slowly took the rolled up notebook out of my back pocket. I flipped it to his letter and handed it to her. Without another word, I got up off the swing. Leaning back against a tree trunk, I watched her devour the words on the page. Tears welled in her eyes. When she finished, she gazed up at me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Nodding, she wiped her eyes. “It’s just hard to believe, that’s all. I mean, he hinted at things along the way, but there was nothing definite. But know, actually reading his words—actually knowing but not being able to do anything about it…”
She started sobbing. I eased back on the swing and took her into my arms. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but frankly, it was a real bitch. Her tears wet through my shirt, and as
I held her, my mind was clear. There were no impure thoughts that would send me into overdrive. All I cared about was comforting her.
After a while, she pulled away from me. “Presley’s really pregnant?”
“Yes, she is.”
Maddie moaned. “I loved him and he loved me, but she’s having his baby. How much more screwed up could this get!”
“So you really loved him, huh?” I asked.
She stared at me in surprise. “I cared for him very much, and I loved him as a friend. But yes, I think I did love him. Why?”
I shook my head. “Never mind,” I mumbled as I got up from the swing.
“Noah, wait!” she cried, grabbing me by the sleeve. “What did you mean when you said you hadn’t been honest with me?”
Shit. I was hoping she’d be so overwhelmed with grief she’d forgotten I mentioned that. I ran my hand through my hair. “Mrs. Nelson asked me to find the girl for Jake. For a long time, I thought it was you—then after that night in the coffeehouse, I knew it was you. But I—I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want you to belong to him!”
“You didn’t?”
The blood boiled in my veins as I thought of losing her, and it turned over to white hot anger. “No, I didn’t. He was a jerk, Maddie. Can’t you see that? Hiding you away, dating other girls, screwing other girls. You deserved better!”
“He might have been a jerk sometimes, but he was trying to change. And at the end, he’d stopped partying and sleeping around,” she protested.
“Oh big deal!”
“For him it was a big deal. And just because he couldn’t tell me how he felt, doesn’t make his feelings any different.”
“How can you say that? If it had been me, I would have told you every day how much I loved you. There wouldn’t have been a day that passed by without me admitting how many times I thought about you, missed you, or wanted to feel you in my arms!”
