Surviving Amber Springs: A Stand-Alone Contemporary Romance

by Siobhan Davis

  “Maybe not for you!” I tease.

  He scrubs a hand over his prickly jawline. “Why’d you choose sociology as your major?”

  “I like how broad the spectrum is although I’m pretty hellbent on becoming a social worker. I want to help others. To give something back.”

  His expression turns more serious. “I think that’s great, and you’ll make a fantastic social worker.”

  We chat about more mundane things while we eat, and I’m loving how relaxed and normal everything is between us. He insists on paying and walking me to my class. “Have you dated anyone since us?” he inquires. I shake my head, and he stops walking, pulling me over to a nearby bench. “Why not?”

  “I was focused on other things and …” I’m not sure I should say this, but I’m trying to be more open and honest, so I suck in a brave breath and continue. “And I was still hung up on you guys.”

  “Honestly?” That vulnerability is back on his face again.

  “It’s the truth. I didn’t want to break up with any of you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “I figured as much, but it was still a terrible shock when we discovered you’d left town. I was in a major funk for ages.”

  “If it helps, I thought about you all every day.”

  “It does.” He links his fingers in mine. “I haven’t been able to forget you either. Tried hooking up with a girl last year, and I was a hot mess. Ran out of the room, leaving her half-dressed, because every time I looked at her, all I could see was your face.” Shock splashes across my face and he notices. “That surprises you?”

  “Eh, yeah. You’re a guy.” I’m sure the fact guys his age are horny bastards is pretty much self-explanatory, so I don’t elaborate. “I didn’t expect any of you to be waiting for me. I mean, it’s clear Heath isn’t, and that’s fine,” I rush to add. “His girlfriend is pretty.”

  “She’s not his girlfriend. Heath only engages in hookups.”

  My brow furrows. “That’s not who he is.”

  “It’s who he is now.” He stands, pulling me with him. “C’mon. I don’t want you to be late.”

  We walk hand in hand to the building, and he seems reluctant to let me leave once we arrive. “I’m terrified to let you out of my sight,” he admits. “In case you vanish into thin air.”

  Boy, I’ve really done a number on him. And I hate myself for that. “What can I do to convince you I’m here to stay?”

  A flirty look shimmers in his eyes as he pulls me to him. “Kiss me.”

  My eyes dart to his mouth of their own volition. “Skeet,” I whisper, tracing the pad of my thumb across his lower lip. “I want that more than anything, but you need to hear what I have to say first.”

  “One little kiss won’t hurt,” he pleads, arching a brow and pinning me with puppy dog eyes.

  “It won’t be one little kiss if I press my lips to yours, and we both know it.”

  He shoots me a lopsided grin. “Can’t help a guy for trying. Especially when he’s missed his girlfriend so much.”

  Shock splays across my face. “I thought you just said that for Nina’s benefit. But you’re serious?”

  “As a heart attack.” He caresses my cheek. “Unless it’s not what you want?”

  “We can’t just pick up where we left off,” I splutter.

  An amused grin graces his lips. “Why not?”

  “Because … because …” I trail off, unable to articulate any legit reasons why we shouldn’t get back together. I still have feelings for him. He clearly has feelings for me. Is it wrong to rush back into this? Especially when I have stuff I still need to work out in relation to Ethan and the past?

  “Don’t fight me on this because you’ll only lose.” Then he places his mouth against mine, and time stands still. Our surroundings disappear, and it’s only the two of us, kissing and kissing like we’ve never kissed before. Skeet’s lips glide across mine in worship, and he holds me close, like he never wants to let me go. Our separation no longer exists. It’s as if we’ve never been apart. When we finally tear our lips from one another, we’re both flushed and grinning like fools. “I love you, Blaire,” he whispers, tucking my hair behind my ears. “I never stopped, and I never will. I can’t speak for the others, but you’re my girl unless you tell me you’re not mine. Unless I’m mistaken, and you didn’t feel that the same way I felt it.”

  “You’re not wrong. I love you too, but there’s still so much you don’t know.”

  “And I’m sure I won’t feel any differently after you tell me.” He fixes the straps on my bag before pecking my lips softly. “Now go before you’re late. I’ll see you at the house in a few hours.” He backs away, mouthing “Love you, beautiful,” and I basically soar into the building as if I’m floating on love’s wings.

  Axel opens the door to me, a few hours later, ushering me inside the house. He’s not giving anything away, just politely offering me a seat in their spacious living room before striding to the kitchen to fetch me a bottle of water. Skeet lands in the room while he’s gone, dropping down onto the couch beside me and pulling me onto his lap. His arms go around my waist as his mouth descends on mine. I kiss him briefly before gently pushing him away. “We can’t.” Axel chooses that moment to walk back into the living room, halting when he sees our intimate embrace. I slide off Skeet’s lap and smooth a hand down over my dress. Ax walks toward us, not saying anything, but he shoots a dark look at Skeet before sitting down.

  “I’m not hiding anything,” Skeet states, resting one leg casually over his knee. “Blaire is my girlfriend again.”

  “Skeet,” I hiss. “This isn’t the time or place.” I can’t let this meeting get derailed. I need to get this stuff off my chest.

  Ax and Skeet drill deadly looks at one another. Then Ax sits back, sighing. “What is it you wanted to tell us, Blaire.”

  I look toward the door. “Where’s Heath? Shouldn’t we wait for him?”

  “Heath isn’t joining us,” Skeet says. “I didn’t tell you earlier because I thought Ax could bring him around.”

  “I tried, but he doesn’t want to know,” Ax confirms. “I’m sorry.”

  My stomach drops like a lead balloon, and pain pierces my heart. It doesn’t feel right to be here without him, but I can’t force him to listen. I can only hope that he’ll come around in time.

  “It’s not your fault, and it’s not his. I don’t blame him.” I wet my dry lips. “Okay, so I guess I’m doing this without him here.” I sit up a little straighter, eyeballing both guys, one at a time. “I have lots of stuff to tell you. Things about that night, and why I went away, and where I’ve been all this time. But it’s more than just that. There’s stuff from my past I never told you. Stuff you need to hear.”

  The guys trade knowing looks before Ax focuses on me. “I always suspected you didn’t tell us the full story.”

  “I couldn’t because of a promise I made to my brother, but everything’s changed now, and I want to right all my wrongs. It might not be possible, but I’m determined to try.” I smile at them. “It was never about you. You guys were the best part of my life back then, and you made me feel normal. Like I wasn’t broken. I didn’t want to shatter that illusion. I wanted to bask in the pretense. To believe I could turn things around, but the ties linking me to the past were too binding, and I couldn’t break free.”

  Skeet slips his fingers between mine. “It’s okay, Blaire. You can tell us anything. No one is judging you here.”

  I nod, smiling softly. “Thank you for always being so gracious.” I wet my lips again, ignoring the flurry of anxiety pressing down on my chest. “What I have to tell you isn’t easy to say or listen to, but I’m asking if you can try and not interrupt in case I lose my nerve. You can ask me anything you want after.”

  Ax moves, kneeling in front of me. “Don’t be scared. Let it out
. You’ve got this.”

  “In order to explain, I need to go back to a night I’d tried very hard to wipe from my memory.” I fight the trembling threatening to take hold of me. “It was the summer just before I started tenth grade. And a night that set everything in motion.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  “A couple weeks before my fifteenth birthday, I snuck out with some friends to attend a party at Todd DeLaurentis’s house.” Both guys stiffen, instantly recognizing his name. I’m sure it won’t take much for them to join the dots. “Ethan hated Todd because he was dating the girl he was crushing on. There’s no way he would’ve let me attend, so I went without telling him.” I pause for a second, dredging up reserves of courage. “It’s the biggest regret of my life.”

  Skeet squeezes my hand, moving closer to me on the couch. Ax sits cross-legged at my feet, giving me his undivided attention.

  “I’d never drank alcohol before or attended any of their parties. While Ethan and I went to the Academy, and we had our own small circle of friends—other kids who came from middle-class families—we were mostly outsiders. Our parents weren’t stinking rich like the majority of kids, and they looked down their noses at us. Except for Cam. He’d been Ethan’s friend since they were three, but he was the only rich kid who didn’t treat us like dirt. I should’ve smelled a rat when Todd told my bestie to make sure I came along that night. But I was too stupid to think anything was suspicious.”

  “What did he do to you, Blaire?” Ax grits out, and his lack of patience isn’t anything new.

  “Matt Carey was fawning over me all night, and I was flattered by his attention. I didn’t realize how fast he was filling up my cup or that he’d drugged my drink.” I swallow the bile forming in my mouth. “I started to feel unwell, and he acted all sympathetic, taking me upstairs to one of the bedrooms to lie down.”

  My chest heaves up and down. I’ve gone over this with my therapist and spoken in group sessions about that night while in the facility, but retelling it doesn’t get any easier. “My vision was blurring in and out, and I couldn’t stand upright without his help. I started to panic. I knew, deep down, something wasn’t right, but he bundled me upstairs so fast I didn’t have time to call out for help.”

  I knot my hands in my lap, pausing for a split second. “Most of the rest of what happened is a blur. I was unconscious when someone undressed me, but I woke up as the first spear of pain shot through me.” Tears fill my eyes despite my desire to recount this without sobbing. I don’t want them to see me how I used to be because I’m stronger now.

  “Here, take a drink,” Skeet says, uncapping my bottle of water and handing it to me. My hands shake, and he holds the bottle to my mouth, helping me take small sips.

  “They sodomized me,” I whisper. “All four of them taking turns. Todd, Matt, Finlay, and Lucas.” I don’t need to explain who they were. Their names have been splashed all over the media since the shooting.

  “You were fourteen, and they did that to you?” Ax’s nostrils flare.

  I nod. “I don’t remember a lot of it, but I get these flashbacks. Of them laughing. Taunting me and calling me names.” My voice trickles out in a soft whisper. “I remember the pain.” Skeet runs his hand up and down my spine in a soothing motion. “I don’t know which is worse. That I can’t remember everything and my imagination fills in the blanks or whether it would’ve been better to have been fully conscious during it. Maybe I could have fought them off. Or screamed for help.” I shrug, shaking my head.

  “They called Ethan to pick me up in the early hours of the morning. I don’t remember him coming to get me. Cam came too. The next memory I have is waking up at home, in bed, with Ethan holding me in his arms. He was crying. I’d never seen him cry like that.”

  My body aches to feel my brother’s arms around me now.

  “I was hurting so bad, and I couldn’t sit down properly for weeks. And they left marks all over my body. They didn’t rape me vaginally. I was still, technically, a virgin, but they left scars on the outside and the inside that will never properly heal.”

  “Why weren’t they put behind bars?” Skeet inquires.

  “I refused to go the cops.” I hang my head. “I couldn’t remember what happened. I didn’t know if I’d consented at first or not. The whole night was a blur.”

  “It doesn’t matter. You were under age, and it was still rape.” Skeet continues rubbing my back.

  “That’s what E said too. He begged me to go to the police. He pleaded with me to tell my parents, but I blackmailed him into staying quiet. I was embarrassed. I’d gotten drunk and flirted with Matt, and I convinced myself I was responsible. They were all from extremely wealthy families, and I knew they’d destroy me in court. Ethan and Cam tried talking me around, but I wouldn’t budge. I wouldn’t talk about it. I just wanted to pretend like it never happened. And I was partly successful. For the rest of the summer, I banished it to the back of my mind, but I was unraveling on the inside. I’d wake up screaming, drenched in sweat, as flashbacks haunted my dreams. I was sneaking out, going to parties, getting drunk, and kissing random guys. My friends gradually distanced themselves from me, and I only found out why when we returned to school.”

  Ax rubs my legs, heating my frozen skin while I continue. “I’m not sure if it was deliberate or how it happened, but the guys’ girlfriends found out what had happened, and they made my life hell from that point on. They were under the illusion that it was consensual. That I’d somehow gotten their boyfriends drunk and convinced them to have an orgy. They blamed me for their actions, called me a whore to my face, and made sure everyone in school knew what I’d done.”

  “I can’t believe Ethan let all this happen,” Ax admits.

  I pin my eyes on him. “He didn’t. Him and Cam were jumping in to protect me on a daily basis. Ethan got suspended numerous times for fighting. He begged me to tell our parents, but I thought it was too late. I told him there was no point reporting it now. People wouldn’t believe me. I was ostracized in school, and I withdrew into myself.”

  “I don’t understand why he didn’t just tell them,” Skeet says. “If that happened to Shaz, I wouldn’t care how mad she was at me. I’d still tell my parents.”

  “Ethan would never go behind my back. Maybe it’s a twin thing, but he’d never betray me like that. Instead, he did everything he could to help me. He protected me from the bullies, and when he found me cutting, he forced me into therapy. He gave my parents part of the truth. Told them I was depressed and suffering from anxiety, which wasn’t a lie, but I refused to tell them what was behind it.”

  “And what about those assholes who raped you?” Ax asks.

  “They kept their distance although I always felt their eyes watching me. And they stood back and smirked when their girlfriends slut shamed me and beat me up. I lived in fear that they’d come back for another turn, but I think they realized they were lucky to have gotten away with it, and they weren’t risking it a second time. I don’t know.”

  I rest my head on Skeet’s shoulder for a minute. “I begged my parents to let me move schools, but they wouldn’t hear of it. The Academy was the best school for miles, and my grades were great. Focusing on schoolwork during the week was the only thing that distracted me from the pain and self-loathing. I threw myself into my schoolwork during the week and partied hard on the weekends, making sure to avoid places where any of those guys would be. Until Cam and I got together, and he helped me in ways Ethan couldn’t.”

  I lift my head up. “I know you guys have a bad impression of my ex, and I’ll never forgive him for dumping me like he did, but he isn’t a bad guy. He helped me cut out the partying, and he made me happy. He helped me regain some of my self-confidence, and he kept me safe at school. The bullying died down once everyone saw our relationship was serious. Cam comes from money, and he was one of the popular kids in school, so people wouldn’t cr
oss him. And it helped Ethan too. He was happy to see me happy again, and he trusted his best friend to look after me. It finally seemed like things were turning a corner until Ethan went into school day one of our senior year and shot them all dead. The four guys who’d raped me and three of their girlfriends. Lucinda Jamison got a reprieve. She was the girl Ethan had wanted, but she’d been Todd’s girlfriend the whole way through high school. She never participated in the bullying even though I never understood why.”

  I take the bottle from Skeet’s hands and guzzle water. My throat is parched but my soul feels lighter.

  “That’s why you don’t drink?” Skeet asks.

  “Haven’t touched a drop since that night.”

  We don’t speak for a few minutes, all lost in our own thoughts, until Ax breaks the silence. “What happened that last night we were together sent you spiraling,” he quietly says, instantly understanding.

  I bob my head. “That night was one of the best and worst nights of my life.” I cup Skeet’s face. “You sang me that beautiful song and told me you loved me, and I was ready to burst I was so happy.”

  I look to Ax, cupping his face with my free hand. “You loved me with your body and made me feel desirable, like a normal woman. I never thought I’d feel so free when it came to sex, but you gave me that. And Heath stood up to his family for me. He put me first when I’d felt like I was scraping the bottom of the fish pond for so long, unworthy of love and devotion. I loved you guys, I really did, but I wasn’t strong enough to deal with everyone pointing fingers at me again. I was struggling already in the aftermath of the revelation of my true identity. When that video was posted online, and our relationship was outed, I just shut down. All I could think was I was going to ruin your lives like I’d ruined Ethan’s. I loved you enough to walk away. But it was Jenkins and his crew that truly sent me into a tailspin. When they attacked me, it brought everything back, and I just wanted it to end.”