Glaring Shadow A Stream Of Consciousness Novel

by BS Murthy

  "How life changeth one; the one who was averse to buying sex with his dad's bucks came to build his business empire with his wife's doles! Be gone all principles."

  "Why fault life for our own lack of comprehension," he said seemingly taken back. "Try seeing it through the prism of pragmatism and you will find its fault lines blurring in your vision, any way, what about having one large for both of us."

  Chapter 18

  Gaffes of Youth

  "Perhaps principles are the variable features of life," he continued reflectively as we began sipping the drink. "Back to Sumitra, as she rarely stepped out, I had no means of wooing her, but as hope didn't desert me, it was my wont to obtain an update on her whenever I was in town. The fact that I have had a couple of women by then only increased my desire to possess her; though she continued to deny her body for all and sundry; but taking my fate into my hands, once I trespassed into her domain and found her alone with her mom. The oldie tried to pimp for her younger one, the same girl I told you about, well, she matured in the meantime; but I insisted at having none other than my old flame; maybe divining my want from a close range, she seemed to have recalled my enamor of yore; and as I reminded her about my futile courtship, her face was aglow with the joys reminiscence. When I told her that I was still burning in my ardor, she turned coy and yet demurred at my advances for she wasn't inclined to betray the man who kept her; but with my passion gripping my soul,

  I told her how desperate I had been for her possession and said that her denial would be a travesty of love itself. What with our interaction enhancing my passion for her possession, possibly affected by my body language, she began to waver in her manner

  all the while pleading for my understanding of her position; oh how pitiable she looked in her pleading. Well, not wanting her to suffer any qualms even for love's sake, I felt like withdrawing, but as my urge dulled my conscience, I remained adamant to have her regardless; when she softened her stance for a one-night stand; oh how I jumped for joy, but as she sought my word that I would not press for an encore, I was constrained to assure her that I wouldn't turn up again, and then she fixed the muhurat for the tryst of my life. Whether it was the charm of my persona or the intensity of my longing for her that swayed her mind in the end I don't know; maybe she too might've nursed a liking for me in the recess of her heart that came to the fore at the threshold of my fate."

  "Of all the joys of life, there's nothing like possessing the coveted one, isn't it?"

  "Say fulfillment," he said in apparent delight, "and it was dream come true when I took her into my arms, and it was as if we both indulged in the coitals of our lives all through that night, and each time, lying in her satiated embrace, I felt that I wouldn't mind dropping dead in her lap. But still, I kept away from her, and a year later, as my passion for her began to sway my mind, I went to see her regardless; but sadly I was late by six months, how distressed I was on learning that she died depressed, deserted by the man she had come to repose her trust in. If only I broke my word in time, maybe, I could've mended her broken heart with my affectionate manoeuvres, wouldn't have my adoration for her acted as an antidote for her depression; well, whether I could've given her hope to live I would never know.'

  "Possibly, buttressed with self-worth, distress makes way to hope; but what an irony your noble sentiment worked against a sensitive soul."

  "It was one of many in a seamless chain of my disjointed love life," he said seemingly depressed. "When I realized that the charm of life lies in the company of women, I could visualize that the medical profession facilitated it the most, in those days at least. But as the sight of blood always made me giddy, I had to give up my idea of being a doctor, but lo, I had to endure the trauma of, not one, but two, head-on crashes on the highways, and you know how they had changed my life in turns. And ironically I had the first taste of romance in a hospital that was after having desisted from being a doctor, in spite of the romantic possibilities the medical profession held for the enterprising! As I told you, once my paternal grandfather lay paralyzed in the hospital, and by then I began to focus on the female form as my eyes came to grasp the nuances of its sexual appeals. But as my sensuality began to visualize the imagery of the erotic best in women, it was the dusky dames with accentuated curves that began swaying my head; oh how my eyes started scanning their sensuous forms for sexual programming. While I spent the days with my grandfather, the nurse on duty happened to be Deenamani, who I thought was the personification of femininity; how we used to dote upon each other even as my grandfather remained skeptical about our closeness. When it was time for him to be discharged, she was downcast at the prospect of our separation, and as if to tie our relationship beforehand, she invited me to her hostel; but sadly for both of us, I failed to oblige her as I was still a novice for an affair, and going by the saying that any fool can start an affair but it takes a wise man to get out of it, who knows, maybe I would've stuck to her and possibly without any regrets at that; why the sweetness of her affection and the poise of her persona, ever made me rue that missed opportunity."

  "If only the clock could be turned back at every turn in life."

  "If it were the case, would man ever move forward in life?" he said before taking his memoir forward. "While I was single-minded in pursuing the passions of my heart,

  so to say, I was wont to let bygones be bygones, and all my life that helped me to pursue my attractions with gusto regardless of the debilitating heartburns. When I was laid low by my first love, I met a lovely girl, who set upon her heart on a fictional hero of the time; I told her that as men in flesh and blood bear warts and all, maybe she was distained to be a spinster, and how perplexed she looked at that. But as I began to address her innate romanticism with sher shairies, she insensibly fell in love with me, making me the object of her sensual adoration, well, but for the sectarian difference, our caste being the same, we would have become man and wife; and when she became a mother, she hoped the sectarian bar that barred our wedding wouldn't be a hurdle for the marriage of her son and my yet-to-arrive daughter. But sadly, like my soul mate of a cousin, she too died rather very early in life."

  "Wonder whether their spouses would have nursed fond memories of these as you did?"

  "Won't the fresh nuptial require the surviving spouse to dissipate the affections of the departed soul, and sadly for the toddlers, it brings about their emotional disconnect with the deceased parent," he said and continued with his saga of life. "While in my childhood, I was close to my paternal grandfather for his affection, in my youth, I was drawn more to my intellectually endowed maternal grandfather, who, as I told you, was reluctant to have my dad as his son-in-law; it was another matter though that he came to realize later what a capable man and devoted husband my dad was. Well as his fancied first son-in-law was found wanting in ways many, his esteem for the slighted groom only grew; he even came to depend on my father whom he began treating like a son, and my dad too started looking up to him as a father figure; what an amiable relationship they had developed and how that sustained till the very end!"

  "Maybe, liking is a product of presumptions and respect an outcome of analysis; that's why, liking wanes when perceptions are belied but respect grows when the character shows.'

  "Good observation," he said and continued, "Once, citing Kalidasa's astrological averments, my maternal grandfather predicted that I would be a rich man but cautioned me not to be complacent, how I rue failing to follow his warning! Whatever, sadly, when ripe old, he broke his hip, necessitating his hospitalization; he was put in a special ward at the government hospital, now a taboo even for the lower middle classes. 'S' the nurse on the night duty was wont to be playful with me but being fair and plump, she failed to enter into my zone of sexual attraction; but I was taken to 'V' her younger sibling who kept her company in the staffroom; though raw she was nearer to my ideal female. What a time we have had in the staffroom late into the nights as 'V' too unwound herself in S's infectious company; the
euphoria of their animation seemed to draw me closer to both of them; oh, how they vied with each other to shower praises upon me, all the while caressing me with their enamored looks! Though the vivacity of 'S' began to dent my entrenched sense of beauty; it was V's romanticism that catalyzed the chemistry of our attraction; how lovingly she symbolized the imagery of our attraction in that sketch of two flowers, marked 'S' and 'V' with the leaf 'M' in between them! Soon 'S' proposed that we three should celebrate her birthday, a week away, at a nearby tourist resort, and to my delight 'V' seconded the proposed outing."

  "It's as if your maternal grandfather took over where your paternal one left to facilitate another hospital romance in your life."

  "Maybe unwittingly," he continued, "but the next night, carried away by my sense of conquest, I jumped the gun; well, I had grabbed 'S', coyly watched by 'V' from whom I had stolen a few kisses by then. When I began deep kissing 'S', hugging me though, as she was in tears, I withdrew from her nonplussed, and seeing her cry in silence I was dismayed at the turn of events; I couldn't figure out how it might've been a transgression when we were anyway leading ourselves to get drawn into an threesome orgy. So, having apologized to the sulking 'S' watched by a perplexed 'V', disarrayed myself I left them for the night, but as 'S' remained indifferent to my attempts at reconciliation, my sense of decency precluded my courting 'V' though she was all eager. Well as if to remove us from the untenable situation, the attending doctor discharged my grandfather soon enough but it took me time to realize that for any it was one thing to fantasize about an orgy and another to indulge in it; if only I was privy to this feature of human nature, I would've as well had each of them behind the curtain, but in turns; and who knew, in due course, even we would've had our envisaged threesome; but as life would have it, my son did better on that count, but we will come to that later."

  Chapter 19

  Pats and Slights

  "If love denied me the ecstasies of sex, it was sex that gave me the joys of love,' he continued the intriguing account of his life. "M aybe vexed with the propensity of love to fail me at the threshold of possession, sex might've thought 'enough is enough'; so, it seems to have induced fate to let Raju play his part in bestowing its final favor on me; we were in the same place then and didn't drift fully apart still. There lived a desirable girl, a block away from his; when I told him that I would like to try my luck with her, he felt that it would be a wild goose chase as she was already betrothed. Yet, as I pressed my suit, she resigned into agreeing; is it not said that there is no woman chaste enough to resist man's seductive talk; that night, my long awaited first night in which baring our bodies and souls to each other when we sought to discover each other in the candlelight; she surrendered in ardor as I possessed her with passion; urged by her surge, as I entered into her with all my longing for a female, she took me in with all her wanting for a male; in that lovemaking, so to say, as she had a measure of her femininity, I had the grasp of my manhood; while the ecstasy of sex gripped us all night, the fulfillment of it eased my body for days; well, reminiscing about the nuances of our coition, I realized that the essence of sex lies, not in the physical release it affords the mates, but in the gratification of their union that it entails them. But it was my contentment—I wonder how I became insatiable in later years— coupled with the dangers of our liaison that kept me away from her until she turned into a gatecrasher. When she said that she desperately wanted to have me again, I felt that I owed it to her to satiate her urge, never mind the risk I might be running in obliging her for I came to know that her father was a ferocious character. When I made it to the rendezvous, she said that she wanted more of me before her beau got the better of her; about her liaison on the verge of her nuptial, she said that she was only following the dictates of her heart amidst the realities of life. M aybe, you may say that she was romanticizing her lust, but I believe she had only rationalized the leanings of her heart."

  "M aybe lust features on the reverse side of love's coin."

  "Beautifully put, but I may add that lust is the abettor of love for without it, there can be no lovemaking," he said. "Well, I imbibed her philosophy of love, and all was okay till I wavered from it to impress Ruma, which was much later. As if sex gave me

  my due, it forthwith put a price for its favors, and I too was willing to pay for it as I had been on my own by then; and maybe, it was prognostic of my sex life that the first buy in a way was a rare buy; it's a rickshaw-wallah doubling up as a pimp, who took me into a dimly lit middle-class brothel; how odd I felt as I came face to face with the madam! Though the way she received me was promising, to my disappointment the girls she fetched were no seductresses; so as I tried to excuse myself, a stunning dame stepped out of the shadow near the entrance; well, I failed to notice her as I made it there in the fashion of those who enter brothels, focused on avoiding the focus of the passerby. When she wondered how none of the girls impressed me, I told her it was possible that none of them might've liked me; saying she was bowled, she led me into her chamber."

  "Looks like you're lucky with those."

  "Maybe, my innate love for women tended them to be affectionate towards me," he said. "From then on, I sought her at every turn and she gave me the time of my life for long; but as she began to bloat, she said she was sad that her body could no more provide what her love craved to give me; how moved I was for her sensual concern for me, but when she offered to turn into a procuress for me, I told her that I wanted to remember her as a mate and not as a madam. How sad that the charms of these women are so short-lived; it's as if by giving in to all, they lose all they have. Whatever, I always cherished the romantic times we have had."

  "Won't it make an interesting contrast, your romantic negation of favors on offer with that of Devdas's sexual abnegation of an alluring Chandramukhi?"

  "More so to the sophists, who celebrate sentimentality," he said. "Well, as in all walks of life, these women too present a mixed bag, and it's not that brothels are the only slime-spots of society as there is a moral decay in every walk of life; if anything the world is in need of a moral revolution than ever before. So, before casting the proverbial first stone at them, it's as well that we may count our own warts; whatever, after failing me in love and fulfilling me through sex, maybe life wanted to show me more of its variety in some of its mundane dimensions that was shortly after that rendezvous with Raju's neighbor."

  "More conquests to follow, I suppose."

  "Oh, no, but there were encounters of another kind to recount," he said, "Landing in a metropolis, I joined a small subsidiary of a big company, supervised by diploma holders and bossed over by a graduate engineer. It was as if to prevent any possible threat to his engineering preeminence, the boss dumped me in the inspection department, where I languished till I left the firm; oh, how smaller can small men in big chairs become! I might as well have died of ennui but for the hope induced in me by a cousin's husband; he was wont to say that there was bound to be light at the end of the tunnel for a graduate engineer. I don't know why, but he took a liking for me from the beginning, and when he asked me for a game of chess, I saw in it the chance of my life to prove that my scrape through degree was not the denominator of my gray matter. So, even before we began, I wanted to win, let Fischer be the opponent, but I found out soon enough that he was no mean a player either; from the see-saw struggle in that five-hour long tussle, it was apparent that he didn't want to lose and I was determined to win; and at last, as he resigned, I felt vindicated. It was a different matter though that being an engineer in top gear, he was unable to tow my career wheel spiked by my pitiable score-card."

  "After all, it's one's limitations that set one's course of life."

  "But life can be cruel even in our moments of triumph," he continued. "As I won his admiration in addition to his affection, it was galling to my cousin who wasn't enthused about me from the beginning; and to be fair to her, she made her position clear; it was an article of faith with her that relative
s were suckers to be banished and friends were sweeteners to be added, and needless to say, she misconstrued my bonhomie with her man as my endeavor to buttress my hopeless position. Caught thus between her apathy and his empathy, how I had to put up with all those embarrassing moments in their scores! And it was their conflicting outlook about me, which led to that humiliating experience."

  "Aren't likes and dislikes the nuances of our nature?"

  "M aybe so, but surely they are the lamp posts of life that either aid or hinder your journey through it," he said. "It was a five-day week for us at the workplace and on Saturdays it was my wont to go to their place for his sake; well at lunch time, as my cousin's invitation to join them at the dining table used to personify formality, though inevitably famished by then, I invariably excused myself. On a weekend, he wanted me to accompany their daughter to a sporting event that evening; but my cousin, in an apparent abhorrence towards its possibility, began scouting for an appropriate candidate for the occasion; oh how frantic she had been in ringing up their friends and acquaintances in her frenetic search for the eluding character! Possibly in her view, apart from her weird perception of relatives, it was the lack of social status coupled with a bleak future that rendered me unfit for their daughter's company. Sadly as both didn't renege on their respective positions, it was in deed a double squeeze for me in that embarrassing position, and I only knew how I had endured that humiliation until I was relieved by another cousin, who rang up for me to run an urgent errand for her. So, I left my tormentors taking my humiliation stoically and I'm sure that the ceasefire my exit would've occasioned could've relieved them as well; and thanks to my obsession with the charms of the fair sex, I was not on the rebound to settle scores over that slight. Whatever, I told her later that what matters is personal character and it's unwise to discount relatives as if friends are infallible, after all, one's friends are someone's relatives; didn't Raju proved it in my case; in the end though, I derived a sense of satisfaction as she began to see the value in my averment, and she was all the happier for her altered mind-set. Why her calls for lunch began to spell affection, and what sumptuous meals I have had with them."