“Daddy!” Lea cried, disrupting Sara’s steadily darkening train of thought. “Daddy’s here!”
Sara sat up straighter on her bed of tall grass, surprised to find that Lea was right. Sara hadn't expected Austin back from his errands in town for some time yet and certainly hadn't imagined he would come looking for them in the fields. Her heart filled with hopeful excitement at the sight of him moving nearer, thinking that maybe he just hadn't wanted to be apart from them for so long. When he got close enough for her to get a good look at his face, though, her stomach jumped nervously. His was not the expression of a happy man.
“Austin,” she called in greeting, doing her best to sound cheerful as she got to her feet despite the storm raging in his eyes. “I wasn't expecting you.”
“No?” he asked, the word a challenge. “Interesting. And were you expecting me to know about this?”
He yanked a sheaf of folded papers out of his back pocket so quickly that she heard one of them rip. When he waved them wildly in her general direction, her eyes widened with disbelief. She knew what she was looking at, recognized the papers she must have looked at a thousand times. She just didn’t want to believe it could be true.
“What is that, Austin?” she asked cautiously, moving closer to him so that Lea wouldn’t have to hear what came next.
“You know what it is, Sara,” he spat back, holding the partially crushed paperwork out for her to take. “In fact, it seems like I’m the only one who didn’t know. How could you not tell me? We’re living under the same roof, and you don’t tell me something this important?”
“Austin, if you have that paperwork, that means you went through my things,” she said, her voice rising despite her best efforts to remain calm. “You violated my privacy. Are you sure you’re in a position to be outraged right now?”
He at least had the decency to look sheepish at that, and for a couple of seconds it threw him off track. Even so, when he opened his mouth again, she could tell he wasn't going to back down.
"Fine, I shouldn't have gone through your stuff," he admitted grudgingly. "So I'll apologize for that. But what would have happened if Rachel hadn't told me what was going on? Would you ever have told me without me bringing it up first? Or were you just going to slink off in the middle of the night?"
"No, of course I wasn't," she exclaimed, shocked, and deeply wounded by the accusation. Her bottom lip was starting to tremble, and she knew it wouldn't be long before she started to cry. "You make me sound like some kind of criminal. I haven't mentioned it yet because I haven't decided what I want to do."
“Oh, okay,” he scoffed, his laughter full of anything but humor. “And I’m sure that Ted showing up right alongside the offer and this envelope is a total coincidence, right? Or is he just another thing you haven’t quite made up your mind about?”
“Of course not,” she cried with eyes so full of tears that she was seeing two of him. “Him coming really was a coincidence, nothing more. I sent him packing, just like I told you, not that any of this matters in the first place. Pretty soon Lea isn’t going to need me around, is she? You’re the one who keeps bringing that up. And you haven’t once mentioned that you might like me to stay. Was I just supposed to put my life on hold until you decide whether or not I’m worth keeping around? Is that what you wanted?”
They were squared off against each other like two boxers in a ring, Sara wondering all the while how on earth things had gotten this bad. She was halfway to falling in love with this man, she couldn’t deny it, and yet at the same time she felt like she didn’t know him at all. The person standing in front of her was a different man from the one who had made love to her in the barn, and he was looking at her like she was a stranger as well.
There was plenty more they could say, a plethora of ways in which they could hurt each other. In the end, it was Lea that stopped the fight where it was. She marched right in between them as if she wanted to use her little body as a shield. In her hands she held a bunch of wildflowers as a peace offering, and in her eyes were worried tears. Austin took one look at that and turned on his heels and walked away, leaving Sara and Lea to watch after him, each of them nursing their private pain.
Twenty-Two
Sara slept fitfully that night, both her waking thoughts and her dreams consumed with the awful scene in the field. It made her skin crawl to know that Austin could think so poorly of her, a feeling that was both distorted and magnified in the confusion of her dreams. Her sleep was so unsettled that when a loud crash from the direction of the kitchen woke her in the morning, she bolted upright with a gasp, half-convinced the ceiling was coming down around her.
Once she was reasonably sure that the house was still intact, she threw on a robe and padded down the hallway towards the source of the noise. When she arrived in the kitchen doorway she stopped, her hands going to her mouth to stifle her emerging laugh.
"I dropped it," Lea said, a guilty look on her face as she glanced first at Sara, and then at the plastic teapot she was in the middle of righting. “It’s time for tea. Want some?”
“Oh my goodness, do I ever,” Sara giggled, happily taking the seat beside Lea. “In fact, this sounds like exactly what the doctor ordered.”
And it was true. That was the thing about kids. It was hard to wallow in your own confusion and doubt when you were around someone like Lea, especially in her current state. Here she was, in a dress she had put on herself—backwards—with half a dozen dolls settled in for a tea party befitting a queen. Sara's future might be more uncertain now than ever, but this lovely interaction was happening here and now. Lea still wanted her, maybe even needed her a little, and for the time being, that was enough.
“What is it?” Austin’s voice came bellowing down the hall, directly preceding the sound of quick footsteps. “What’s the matter? Lea, are you--?”
He stopped mid-sentence when he saw Sara sitting there, his eyes flitting uncertainly between her and his little girl. If he was feeling even half of the nerves that Sara was feeling, she guessed any thoughts of breakfast were gone. They hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since he had stormed off in the field, and she half-expected him to storm off again, now that he was sure Lea was safe. Except that Lea favored him with one of her most charming smiles, and he couldn’t help but melt. Sara could see that as plain as day, and it melted her heart too.
“Tea, Daddy!” she said happily, holding out a cup and gasping when some of its imaginary contents slopped over the side. “Sit with us!”
“You ladies sure about that?” he asked playfully, though he was looking straight at Sara as he spoke, his head cocked to one side with the questions. “You want a clod like me messing up such a charming party?”
"Yes!" Lea declared enthusiastically at the same time as Sara gave him a soft, tentative smile.
“You’re not a clod, Austin,” she said, patting the chair beside her. She wasn’t sure she was ready to forgive him for the terrible things he’d said the day before, but at the same time, she couldn’t seem to stay mad. Whether she understood it or not, there was something between them, and she wasn’t yet ready to let that go.
“Here!” Lea said, more enthusiastic now than ever as she clumsily set a plate piled high with goldfish crackers and arrowroot cookies before them. “Snacks, too. For the princess party!”
“Is that what we’re having?” Austin asked, raising an eyebrow. When he glanced at Sara, he gave her a little wink, brief, but still enough to make her heart flutter. “Am I a princess now?”
“No, Daddy, that’s silly,” Lea giggled, giving Sara a look of commiseration so adult that it set Sara giggling all over again.
“You’re right,” he said solemnly, nodding and taking a bite of the cookie. “I’m clearly not fit to be a princess. We’ll have to think of something else for me to do.”
“Mm-hmm,” Lea nodded, chewing her own bite thoughtfully, her sweet little face scrunched up in concentration. When she looked at Austin again, it was her t
urn to have an expression full of questions, ones Sara realized she was a little bit afraid to hear. “Daddy?”
“Yes, your highness?” Austin asked, bowing his head low.
“Can you and Sara be happy now? Are you done fighting?”
It was such a simple question, and yet it made Sara feel like the whole world was falling away from beneath her feet. She had made plenty of mistakes in her life, as she supposed was true of everyone, but never one she could remember feeling quite so terrible for. Lea had been shell-shocked when Sara had first arrived on the ranch because her world had been turned upside down. Her mother, the person she had trusted to be there for her no matter what, had gone away without a backward glance or any indication of if she would return. In Sara and Austin, in their budding relationship, she had found the stability so abruptly taken away from her. She had begun to come out of her shell again, and then Sara and Austin had gone and messed it all up.
Austin had to swallow hard against bile rising up the back of his throat when he heard his daughter's sweet, hopeful question. All he wanted, aside from restoring the ranch, was to see his girl happy. It was the most important thing to him in the world, and yet he and Sara had hurt her without even realizing it. They had been too selfish, too caught up in their own drama to see what they were doing to her, and as far as he was concerned, it was inexcusable. She was only three years old, for God's sake. He was supposed to be her protector, but instead he had put her in a position where she felt she had to play peacekeeper.
“Everything is fine, sweet girl,” he said softly, reaching out and taking Sara’s hand in a gesture he very much hoped Lea would find reassuring. “You don’t need to worry about a thing. Sometimes grownups have to work things out, but that doesn’t have to mean that anything is wrong.”
Lea frowned while she considered his words, and then nodded happily, his explanation apparently satisfactory for her three-year-old mind. Austin expected to feel massive relief at this outcome, but instead his reaction was far more mixed. He was happy to have Lea feeling okay about things, truly, but at the same time he felt like he had just told her a lie. It was starting to seem more and more like everything about their arrangement with Sara was a lie. Even this tea party, so charming and pleasant at first glance, was playing at a happy little family unit that didn't actually exist. His heart sank at the thought, and he let Sara's hand go, noting how quickly she pulled it back into her lap. It was like she couldn't wait to get away from his touch.
He and Sara sat in silence for a while, both of them relieved to have Lea's cheerful prattle to distract from the newly restored tension in the room. If Lea felt it, however, it didn't show. She seemed perfectly content to go on with the tea party forever. Still, when she looked up again roughly ten minutes later with a quizzical expression on her face, Austin's stomach flip-flopped nervously. Just that one look was enough to tell him they weren't out of the woods just yet.
“Sara?” she asked, reaching for Sara with one chubby hand while the other remained tightly closed around a fistful of crackers.
“Hmm?” Sara answered absently, busy supplying an oversized stuffed puppy with a cup of imaginary tea.
“Can I call you mommy now?” Lea asked, every bit as casual as if she were asking to go for a walk.
Sara froze, looking at Austin with stricken eyes. He knew she was looking for rescue, but all he could do was shrug helplessly. He had no more idea of how to answer this unexpected question than she did. He felt like he was five paces behind and always struggling to catch up.
“That’s so sweet, Lea,” Sara said finally, caressing Lea’s soft hair fondly with fingers that were trembling. “But you don’t need to call me mommy. You already have one of those, and even though she isn’t here right now, she still loves you very much. I’m your friend, Sara, and I love you very much, too.”
Austin nodded, whether in agreement or encouragement he wasn’t sure. He swallowed hard, trying to fight down the sick feeling that kept threatening to creep up the back of his throat. All his lingering resentment towards his ex and what she had done, plus everything that had gone down between him and Sara, felt like it was coming to a head inside his heart. He got the sensation of the three of them careening towards some terrible, inevitable end, with him powerless to stop their forward motion.
“Daddy?” Lea went on, turning her attention towards him. “Are you going to marry Sara? She could be my new mommy then.”
If she had reached out with one chubby hand and decked him in the face, it would have surprised him less. Not that he really had a right to his shock. It should have been clear that this was where the conversation had been heading from the very start.
“Honey,” he said finally, already sure that whatever he said would fall woefully short of what was required. “I like Sara very much. You know I do.”
"So marry her!" Lea said brightly as if the matter had already been decided. When he shook his head, she frowned, looking to Sara for understanding. Sara wasn't looking at either one of them, though. She was staring into her clasped hands like she thought the answers might be hidden somewhere in her white-knuckled grasp.
“I wish it were that easy, Lea, but it just isn’t,” Austin said with a sigh. “Getting married is a complicated undertaking, and people shouldn’t do it unless they are sure it’s definitely what they want. And the thing that makes that even harder is that some people just don’t know what they want. Some people never really do.”
If asked about it later, Austin would swear on his life that he didn’t mean for the comment to come out as pointed as it sounded. He didn’t mean to lob a dig in Sara’s direction, but as soon as the words were out, he could hear that it sounded like that was exactly what he’d done. He wanted to apologize to her, but before he could even open his mouth, Sara pushed back her chair. She did so with extreme poise and grace, the only hint of upset in the bright spots of color in her cheeks. It scared him, seeing her that way. Somehow it was even worse seeing her calm than full of emotion. More than anything else, it filled him with a dreadful certainty that whatever was between them was broken beyond repair.
“Thank you for a lovely tea party, Lea,” she said, dipping down and kissing Lea on the cheek. “I hope we get to do it again sometime. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get dressed for the day.”
And with that, she walked away without so much as sparing a look in Austin’s direction.
Twenty-Three
In no time at all, the happy harmony that had for a time existed on Austin's ranch seemed like little more than a dream. He and Sara had hardly exchanged more than a handful of words in the days since the disastrous tea party, almost like Sara was the one in need of speech therapy and not Lea. While he did his best to keep his head down and tend to the never-ending list of chores around the ranch, Sara behaved as little more than his employee. And that was when she could stomach looking at him or interacting with him at all.
“What did you expect?” he whispered to himself, the sweat pouring down the back of his neck as he put the finishing touches on a final coat of paint for the front porch. “She is your employee. It’s why she came here in the first place.”
It was true, there was no denying it, but the knowledge still sat like a ball of lead in the pit of his stomach. After how fantastically everything had blown up with his ex, he had been sure that he would never love another woman. Now he understood that he had been wrong. The problem was that understanding had come too late for him to do anything about it. Sara was already lost to him, even if she hadn't said as much. He could feel her distancing herself further each and every day. Soon it would be like living with a ghost in the house. At any moment, he expected her to give notice that she was taking the job in Casper and leaving them behind.
When a delivery van pulled up the drive to his house, Austin wasn’t surprised. Part of him had been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since Ted had shown up unannounced, and certainly since the arrival of that damned letter. The del
ivery man, who was little more than a kid, hopped out of the front seat while whistling a jaunty tune that set Austin’s teeth on edge, hauling an obscenely large gift basket with him.
"Hello there!" he called out, his voice actually breaking at the end of the second word as if he were still finding his sea legs in the wilderness of puberty. "You the man of the house?"
“That’s right,” Austin answered with a curt nod. “What have you got there?”
“Special delivery for one Sara Kline,” the kid said brightly, balancing the basket precariously while he struggled to produce a little machine from a holster in his pocket. “Think you could sign for it?”
“I think I can manage,” Austin said, thinking to himself as he took the stylus in hand that it would probably be the last time he accepted anything for Sara. If this basket meant anything, surely it was that she had made up her mind to go.
The kid thanked him profusely for the signature before climbing back into his van and going on his merry way. Austin would have killed for even a fraction of that good cheer, something he was all out of as he plodded slowly back towards the house with the stupid basket in hand.
He found Sara in the kitchen preparing herself a snack while Lea napped the hottest hours of the day away. He hesitated for a moment in the doorway, watching Sara with her back to him in the afternoon sun streaming through the window. Her hair looked like spun gold everywhere the rays touched it, and he wanted to remember her just this way; beautiful and at peace in the sun, making his house feel more like a home. Now that their time together was coming to an end, he felt compelled to have some small piece of his brief happiness with her to keep.
“You’ve got a package,” he said gruffly, startling her badly enough that she dropped the knife she was using to chop her fruit. “And it’s a doozy, let me tell you.”
The Rancher’s Tempting Nanny Page 16
