She turned slowly as if she were afraid to face him, and her eyes grew wide as she took in the monstrosity he was setting down on the kitchen table. She approached cautiously, plucking the card out of the arrangement's cellophane folds, and reading it without expression. When she was done, Austin cleared his throat to get her attention.
“So that’s it then, huh?” he said, a sharp edge to his voice that made her wince.
“What’s it?” she asked quietly, hugging her arms around herself protectively. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Come on, Sara, sure you do,” he said with a hard smile. “People don’t send stuff like this unless they’ve gotten the answer they wanted. You accepted the job. Officially, I mean, seeing as we both know that was always what you were going to do.”
“Austin, please,” she said, her exasperation hanging thick in the air. “I haven’t accepted anything. I--”
"No, seriously," he interrupted, unable to stop now even if he'd wanted to. "It's a good thing. You should take it. Clearly they think you're a big deal, and it's not like you've got anything keeping you here. When your purpose somewhere has been fulfilled, it's time to move on. Best for everyone involved."
Her mouth dropped open, evidently stunned by the brutality of his words. Honestly, he was a little bit surprised by them as well. He didn’t understand why he was actively trying to wound her, except that it was easier to hurt her before she got a chance to do so to him. The sick thing about it was that he wanted her to argue with him. He was desperate for her to tell him that no matter how hard he tried to push her away, she wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted her to choose him and Lea over the fancy new job.
Instead she nodded her head once, as if to herself rather than to him. He could actually feel her body shaking as she brushed past him, and it made him long to reach for her, to take her in his arms and tell her it was all a terrible mistake. But he let her go, heart in throat, watching her watch away from him.
“I’ll pack my things,” she said quietly when she reached the door, keeping her back to him so that he couldn’t see her face. “And I’ll be out of your house by tomorrow.”
Every item Sara folded and tucked away seemed to bring with it a fresh wave of painful disbelief. She had been trying to pack for most of the night, only stopping for a few, fitful hours of sleep. The sun was coming up now, dawning on a day that looked far too joyous for the way she felt. It should have been gray and raining. It should have been brutally cold, with harsh wind whistling through the trees outside her window. That would have been a more appropriate backdrop to her making her retreat, broken heart in hand.
“Stop it,” she hissed to herself, angrily brushing aside the tears that just wouldn’t let up. “You’re grieving over a thing that never actually existed, and how foolish is that?”
The problem was, it didn't matter if it was stupid or if it made zero sense. Sara was completely devastated to know that Austin preferred her leaving over fighting for her to stay. Or even just asking her to give him a chance. She had spent all night trying to convince herself that it was for the best, with even her dreams centering around the idea that walking away and starting a new life yet again was a good thing. If she looked at things in a certain way, the way Austin had treated her wasn't all that different than what she had put up with when she was with Ted. There was the same lack of respect for her need to decide what she wanted for herself, and even for her ability to do so in the first place. Ted had made her feel like she was still a child for years, and she had sworn to herself when she left that she would never allow that to happen to her again. If Austin wasn't willing to be supportive of her and her dreams, just as she was of him, then she had no choice but to walk away. Even if it made her feel a little like she was dying inside. She loved him—she knew and admitted it now. But love didn’t guarantee a happy ending.
“What’s that one, Daddy?” Lea asked, her words wafting through the partially open window on a breeze. “That one’s pretty!”
Sara rose, drawn by the deeper, harder-to-hear tone of Austin’s voice as he answered her. When she got to the window, standing a little behind one of the curtains so as not to be caught watching, she saw father and daughter headed for the barn hand in hand. They looked like they belonged in one of those heartwarming ads that ran on TV, and Sara couldn’t help but cry to look at it. No matter what had happened between her and Austin, she still cared very deeply about his relationship with Lea. She wanted the two of them to be happy together and to build an unbreakable family bond. She just hadn’t imagined that he would want that to the exclusion to everyone else. She had believed for a time that she might be a part of the perfect little family, not on the outside looking in. She had tried so hard to help him see that not only Lea could count on her, but he could do so too. If he wanted to depend on himself and himself alone, then she would leave him to it.
“Enough,” she said, wiping a wayward tear from her cheek and turning purposefully away from the window. “Enough now. It’s a waste of time.”
She stalked back to the little room that was no longer really hers and settled back on top of the bed, where half her things were still scattered across the comforter waiting to be packed. It had seemed so easy setting them out when she had first moved in, with no regard to when and how she might have to pack them back up again. It wasn't even packing up the things she had brought with her that was so terribly painful. It was the few, small things she had accumulated while living at the ranch. Everywhere she looked, there were little drawings and trinkets given to her by Lea, tiny monuments of the bond they had formed with each other. Sara had always done her best to maintain a healthy amount of distance between herself and her students because she knew it was the safest thing for all of them. When she had come to the ranch, though, she had forgotten how dangerous letting her guard down could be. Now she loved Lea every bit as much as she would love a daughter of her own. She loved her so much that even looking at her drawings now was almost too painful to bear.
“It’s for the best, though,” she said with a little sob to the empty room, once again abandoning the idea of packing and flopping back on the bed. She draped an arm over her tightly shut eyes and tried to pretend that time would stop moving if she couldn’t see it anymore.
But despite all the pain and loss she was feeling now, she couldn’t make herself regret that she had come. Being with Lea and Austin had helped her to find the perspective about her work she had dearly needed. And even if Austin didn’t actually want her, the school board seemed to want her back desperately. She would be a fool not to take them up on their offer, especially for somebody who didn’t want her at all.
Twenty-Four
In the days after Sara's departure, Austin moved through the hours like a man trudging along the bottom of the ocean. The mechanics of trying to keep up with the demands of the ranch were as demanding as ever, only now he no longer had Sara there to be a bright spot in his life. Rachel was always more than willing to step in and help with Lea or anything else she could get her hands on, but it wasn't the same. Nothing really seemed the same since Sara went away. Everything in his life was just a little bit duller without Sara there to make it shine.
That fact was never clearer to him than the morning when he got the call about the remaining permits he was waiting for in order to move forward with his work on the ranch. He was over the moon about getting the necessary approvals, of course he was, and his first instinct was to go running to Sara and tell her all about it. He went so far as to hurry into the kitchen, the place where he still saw her captured in the glow of the sun's rays, before realizing that she wasn't going to be there. She wasn't going to be anywhere on the ranch because she had chosen to leave.
“Doesn’t matter,” he told the empty room through gritted teeth, a proclamation that would fool exactly nobody. “You should be telling Rachel anyway. She’s the one who’s invested in the project now.”
Which was true, except that if he t
old Rachel, the conversation would invariably find its way to Sara, and why exactly she had first decided to leave. No matter how many different ways he tried to tell her, Rachel never seemed to be quite satisfied with his answers. And forget about him convincing her that he was managing just fine without Sara around. It was like Rachel stockpiled evidence of how shaken up Austin really was, just to prove the point that things weren't going nearly as well as he wanted her to believe.
“But we’re just fine, thank you,” he said grimly, his eyes narrowing at the room as if it were somehow responsible for Sara’s not being there.
"Who's fine, Daddy?" Lea asked from behind him, startling him so badly that he clapped his hand over his heart in an effort to slow the intensity of its pounding.
“Nobody, baby,” he said with a shaky laugh, turning and crouching down so that they could be more on eye level. “I was talking to myself.”
She gave him a doubtful look when she heard that, arching one eyebrow in a perfect imitation of his own skeptical expression. It was enough to make him chuckle despite his melancholy mood, and he pulled her in close, covering her in feathery kisses until she started giggling helplessly.
"What do you say you and I go for a little walk, baby girl?" he asked when the laughter had subsided some. "It's a beautiful day, and we might even take the pony out for a stroll if you're up for it."
Her squeal of approval was enough to tell him that indeed she was up for it, and they started down the hallway to get her ready for the great outdoors. Austin was careful not to look over his shoulder as they went, not to look at the kitchen again. If he didn’t look, he could keep on half-believing that Sara was still standing by the counter, watching them go with a fond, loving look in her eyes.
He didn't mean to lead them to the field that had been the scene of one of his and Sara's last fights. He didn't even realize they were headed in that direction until they were already there. He was too busy talking, saying whatever came to mind to keep Lea engaged so she wouldn’t start asking him questions he didn't know how to answer.
“See?” he said now, hardly sure what he was even talking about. “This is all going to be like your little kingdom. When you get a little older, you’re going to be able to roam all this land freely, just you and your imagination. There are a lot of people that never get to do anything like that, you know. It’s pretty special, don’t you think?”
He moved forward a couple of steps, clinging tightly to the rope leading Lea's pony before it registered that Lea hadn't bothered answering him. He always got a knot in his stomach when she was too quiet for too long. It was enough of a worry that he halted now, in the middle of the wildflowers Lea and Sara had luxuriated in not so long ago, and turned to face his little girl.
“Everything okay, honey?” he asked, hopeful that she would just say yes but already reasonably sure that she would not.
“Will Sara come home soon?” she asked, picking at imaginary fibers coming loose in the seams of her little saddle. “I want to see Sara again.”
“I know, sugar. I do too.”
The words were out of his mouth before he even knew he thought them, and they hung in the air like little bombs of knowledge he knew he couldn't take back. He wasn't sure he would want to even if he could. He had promised himself when Lea was born that he wouldn't lie to her, and although that promise had already been harder to keep than he would ever have dreamed possible, it was still important to him. Anyway, he could see she was in pain, missing Sara, and he didn't want to give her the impression that she was out on that limb on her own. Because if he was honest with himself, he missed Sara so much it hurt to breathe. He had been telling himself that he would get over it once things moved into full swing with the ranch's permits, but he understood now that wasn't true.
His success didn't feel complete without Sara by his side. He didn't think anything would again unless he did whatever he could to get her back.
Sara followed the apartment agent around their third location dutifully, trying to ignore the manila envelope sticking out of the top of her oversized purse. As was so often the case with things she didn’t want to pay attention to, it seemed to be the only thing her over-taxed mind could focus on. It was crazy to her, how one envelope could contain the next chapter of her life. Her entire immediate future was in her purse, and she was lugging it around with her like it meant nothing at all.
"And I'm sure you can see how cutting edge everything is here," the agent was saying, oblivious to the rapid-fire thoughts shooting through Sara's mind. "You can control virtually everything you need, electronically speaking, from this one convenient panel. That means everything from the cooling and heating to the fireplace. Isn't that just marvelous?"
The woman looked at Sara expectantly, but all she could do was nod. Suddenly she felt herself dangerously close to a fit of giggles, which would likely turn to tears before it was done. The poor woman wasn't doing anything wrong; it was just that Sara could imagine the kind of faces Austin would be making if he was there to hear the spiel. He wouldn't be able to help himself, nor to stop himself from teasing both the realtor and Sara. He would remind her of what a city girl she was, despite all her assertions to the contrary. Austin had a way of making sure the people around him didn't take themselves too seriously, even when he had trouble doing the same for himself.
“So, what do you think?” the realtor asked now, watching Sara curiously. Sara nodded again, sure that her reaction to the place so far wasn’t exactly what the poor woman had been expecting. The apartment really was amazing, and Sara thought that probably everyone who saw the place was immediately ready to sign. She would probably be exactly the same if her heart wasn’t still back on the ranch.
"It's lovely," she finally said, her hand moving to the envelope in her purse for what had to be the thousandth time that day. "It really is. I was just wondering if there's any outdoor space in the complex. I've recently developed a love for being outside, and it would be a shame not to be able to continue it in my new home."
“Well, then you’re in luck!” the woman answered excitedly, her eyes gleaming with new confidence. Whatever she had in her back pocket, she looked like she was pretty sure it was going to seal the deal. Sara trailed behind her as they left the apartment and headed outside, hoping against hope that the big reveal would be something that would make this place truly feel like home. She was tired of spending every waking moment pining for people and a place that couldn’t be hers any longer. If she was going to move on, she wanted to start doing so now.
“Now, is this a courtyard, or is this a courtyard?” the realtor asked when they were outside, surrounded by walking paths and beautiful, mature trees. “And here in the middle is the piece de resistance. The complex has its very own butterfly garden!”
Sara gasped, her hand going to her heart and her eyes growing wide. No matter her pain over her abrupt exit from Lea and Austin's life, there was no denying that the butterfly garden was beautiful. She had always been a fan of butterflies, of their beautiful colors and delicate nature. There was something about them that always made her think of fairy tales, as if the little creatures were too full of magic to truly be of the human world. She could already imagine how much Lea would love this place if she came to visit. She would see it with the same eyes that Sara was seeing it with now, with wonder and love.
“Except that she won’t be coming to visit,” Sara reminded herself, a lump forming in her throat along with the words. “You aren’t ever going to see her again.”
“I’m sorry?” the realtor asked, favoring Sara with a look of professional courtesy that couldn’t quite hide her curiosity. “Did you say something, dear?”
“No,” Sara answered quickly, her cheeks burning with embarrassment as her hand found the job contract in her bag yet again. The edges of the stupid envelope were so worn from her fingers by now that it looked like it was a decade old. “Or, yes, I guess. I was just saying that the place is lovely, but I’ll have to think
about it for a little while.”
“Oh,” the realtor said, her disappointment obvious. “Well, of course. If I might offer some advice, though, don’t think too long. Places like this don’t stay available for long.”
Sara nodded, and her realtor made a hasty exit, leaving Sara to stare at the butterfly garden with a churning stomach and a racing mind. It seemed like lately everything in her life had an expiration date, one she wasn't at all prepared for. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t spend an infinite amount of time deciding whether or not to make them hers. They should have been good things, too. A fancy apartment so she could leave her temporary housing in her mother’s home, a job with the stability of a contract and a salary she never expected to earn. The problem was that she wasn't sure she wanted either of those things. She didn't feel about them the way she expected to. There was no excitement, no anticipation of what was coming next.
She could always say no to both and move again, out of Casper and maybe even out of the state, but she didn't think that would help either. Because she was coming to realize that without Austin and Lea, nothing was going to fill the hole she felt in her heart. They had taken their places inside of her, and there was no coming back from something like that.
Twenty-Five
“Was it good, Daddy? Did that man like us?” Lea asked, her hot little hand wriggling in Austin’s as they hurried back to the truck.
"I think he did, sugar," Austin laughed as he unlocked the doors and picked Lea up. He kissed her firmly on the top of her head before settling her into her car seat, where she immediately started swinging her feet back and forth happily, humming a tune Sara had taught her sometime over the summer. "I know he liked you. Want to know how come?”
The Rancher’s Tempting Nanny Page 17
