by Kait Nolan
Her brows drew together. “I’m not backing down.”
“Bullshit. What the hell do you call that back there?”
“Strategy. I’m not going to start a war and ruin Christmas over this. That’s not fair to Athena and Logan.”
“Is that really what this is? Because it seems like you’re just going to put it off and put it off, quelling in the face of your father every time and chickening out.”
“I’m not chickening out. We agreed to wait until we’d had the opportunity to talk things through with Logan. That was your stipulation. And I’m fine with that because I’m not about to announce to my parents that I’m changing my whole life without being able to present an airtight plan for what I’m doing instead. That would be tantamount to me going into court with zero preparation and expecting to win the case.”
But this wasn’t a case. This was his life. The lives of his animals. Now that he was free of the dream she’d woven, he realized exactly how huge a leap he was willing to take—and on what certainty? Absolutely none. He could lose all of it on her whim.
“You’re going back to school.”
Her eyes lightened with comprehension. “Is that what this is about?”
“You said you were going to walk away. That you wanted to stay.”
“I do want to stay. But I never said I wasn’t going to finish school. I only have one semester to go and then I have my degree.”
“For the career you don’t want.”
“I’m not going to just throw away my education. As Ivy said, there are a lot of things you can do with a law degree besides courtrooms and contracts. It’s foolish to come this far, to have worked this hard, and not finish what I started. Finishing school is not taking the job.”
“Sure, you say that now. And what happens in five months when you graduate and you’ve got that shitpile of job offers from big firms and your dad is pushing you to take them? What then?”
She angled her head, eyes faintly narrowed, as if she was having to explain this all to a simpleton. “Then I walk away. By then I’ll have the details figured out for what, exactly, I’m doing.”
As long as he’d believed she was staying, as long as he’d been invested in the dream of them running the program together, he’d been fine. But the cold reality was that she could change her mind at any time, leaving him with something he had neither the desire nor the ability to handle.
Hell no.
She took a step toward him. “Baby, we’ll figure out the details. It’ll be okay.”
“I can’t do this.” The words came out in a whisper. A truth he didn’t want to voice.
“I didn’t hear you. What?”
Sebastian shook his head. “I can’t do this again. I can’t change my whole life on the off-chance that you’ll—”
“That I’ll what?”
That you’ll love me. That I’ll be enough for you. “That you’ll stay. That you won’t take off because you got a better offer, or because your dad threatened to disown you, or because you decide that this isn’t what you want either.”
She stared at him, a mix of emotions he couldn’t read flickering over her face. “You don’t trust me. That’s what this is. You don’t trust that I’ll keep my word.”
How could he? They barely knew each other. Certainly they had physical intimacy, even friendship and affection. But they didn’t have history. There was no track record that she’d do anything but what she’d always done. He’d poured so much of himself, his belief, into this fantasy she’d spun for him, and it was all built on a foundation made of shifting sands.
“Do you seriously believe that I’d put all this effort into something I have no intention of following through on?” she demanded.
“I don’t think you’re lying.” He didn’t doubt that her heart was in the right place. “I think you fully intended to do this when you came up with the idea.”
“I fully intend to do it now.”
“I think you think you do.”
Sebastian knew the moment she lapsed into lawyer mode. Her shoulders straightened and a battle light came into her eyes. “But I’m not smart enough to know my own mind?”
“It’s got nothing to do with intelligence. But you spent literally years denying your instincts. How do you know you really want the life you’ve painted with me? Maybe it’s just the more appealing of the two options.” That was hardly a contest. But it didn’t mean it was what she wanted for the rest of her life.
“I’m not sure which one of us you just insulted more.”
“Just calling it like I see it.”
“Then you’re fucking blind. Do you have any idea how much trust it’s taken me to get this far? You’ve been right here with me for the past two weeks. You know exactly how terrifying all of this is for me. I am taking this leap, giving up everything I planned, everything I’ve worked for, because of you. Because you were with me. You’ve supported me every step of the way. And that was all good and fine for you, because all the concessions were mine. But the moment you need to give a little, you’re not willing to meet me halfway. You’re not even willing to try because you’re so afraid.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He was a fucking Ranger. He wasn’t afraid.
Hands fisted, she faced him. “You’re so terrified of being abandoned again, you won’t even take the chance on me, on us. You’re standing there inventing a problem where there was none to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so you can tell yourself you were right. That everybody leaves, including me.”
Temper sparked. That wasn’t what he was doing. And he wasn’t about to apologize for wanting to protect himself before getting in any further over his head. Not trusting himself to speak, he kept his mouth shut.
At his silence, she simply nodded, as if he’d confirmed something. “That’s what I thought.”
Without another word, she turned on her heel and strode back to the house. He didn’t try to stop her.
As soon as she disappeared inside, he stalked to his truck. He didn’t even know where he was going other than away. Away from the farm, away from the damned if he did and damned if he didn’t decision awaiting him there. He didn’t realize he was going to Harrison and Ivy’s until he stood on the porch, still vibrating with fury.
Harrison opened the door, took one look at his face and called out, “Ivy! Get the good whiskey!”
Chapter 11
As she came back into the living room, her all too intuitive brother searched her face. “Everything okay, Pip?”
“I’m fine.” She wasn’t anywhere close to fine. But she was determined to get through the next three days if it killed her.
Pain spread out from her sternum, and she couldn’t quite stop herself from rubbing at the ache. What a perfect fucking time for an anxiety attack.
Frowning, Logan touched her shoulder. “Do you need a few minutes? I can—”
“Drop it,” she snapped, her harsh tone at odds with his murmured concern. She couldn’t take kindness and concern right now. She’d crumble.
Her stubborn, bull-headed lover was torpedoing their relationship before they could do more than get started. The moment they were confronted with the reality of normal life, their little bubble of happiness had shattered. She didn’t know if this was just a fight or if he was really so entrenched in his abandonment issues that he couldn’t even give them a real chance. The idea that she’d already lost him cut her to the quick. Grief and anxiety were a toxic mix, flooding her system, tightening the vise around her ribs. Maybe she should take a few minutes.
“You know, Laurel, if you’re going to hold out for a higher ranked firm, you’ll really have to find a way to step things up this semester. Have you considered—”
Her father’s words beat against the fragile glass barrier holding back the tide of her frustration, until she cracked under the pressure. “Stop it!”
Her shout startled him enough that he cut off mid-sentence.
“Just stop it.
Can’t we go for even an hour without you pushing me to do what you want, be what you want? Do you even care what I want? Or is this all just some weird wish fulfillment for you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about my future. My future. Mine. My life. I haven’t said yes to Carson, Danvers, Herbert, and Pike because I don’t want the job. I don’t want any job in New York because I don’t want to practice that kind of law. I’m not even sure I want to be an attorney at all.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because I can’t do this anymore, Dad.”
He drew himself up to his full height, deliberately looming in a way that should have cowed her. “You can and you will. You’re just getting cold feet. You’ll be a brilliant attorney.”
“Yeah, I could be. And I’d hate it. Because that’s not my dream. That’s your dream, Dad. And it’s my own damned fault for caring so much about your attention and approval, that I let you push me into it. But I can’t live like this. Not anymore. I’m done.”
“After everything I’ve done for you, how can you waste this opportunity?”
“How can you expect me to waste my life doing something I’d hate?”
His brows drew down like a thundercloud, and for a fleeting moment, Laurel wondered whether he’d call out “Objection!” The idea had a hysterical laugh bubbling in the back of her throat.
“And what, exactly, are you planning to do instead? You’ll just throw away your education? How will you support yourself?”
“I don’t know!” she shouted. “But my trust will give me time to figure it out.”
“Of all the irresponsible—”
Logan stepped between them, hands raised in peace. “Let’s everybody calm down.”
Lawrence rounded on him. “Calm down? Calm down? This is your influence. You did this.”
Laurel wasn’t about to let her brother take the heat. “Logan did nothing of the kind.”
“You weren’t like this until you came up here to stay.” His eyes narrowed with suspicion. “It’s that horse trainer. He’s filled your head with foolishness. I saw the way you looked at him. Don’t go throwing away your future for some…some…fling.” His cheeks went ruddy with anger and embarrassment.
Stunned at his observation, it took Laurel a moment to muster a reply, and by then she knew her hesitation had given her away. “Sebastian’s done nothing but let me be myself. Which is more than I can say for you.”
“I have never done anything but be supportive of you.”
“Yeah. You’ve bent over backward for me…as long as it was for something you wanted. But before I announced an intention to pursue the law, you couldn’t be bothered to pay any attention to me. All your focus was on Logan and pushing him down the path you expected him to take.”
“That’s not true.”
Laurel ignored his protest and kept on rolling. She was in it now. She might as well get it all out. “And from the moment he defied you, all you have done is make snide, cutting remarks about his choice, denigrating him at every turn. Do you even care what a success he’s made of this place?”
“As a laborer,” Lawrence spat.
“Actually, no, not just as a laborer. What Logan’s accomplished here also took a truckload of brains, vision, and guts. But what the hell is wrong with physical labor? It’s good, honest work. Why should you have such contempt about it?”
“Because I raised you both better than that,” he bellowed. “I did not work myself to the bone to have my children throw the gift of good educations and a better position in life away.”
Laurel stared at him. “Grandpa would be so disappointed in you right now.”
“Then at least we’d finally have something in common.”
“Lawrence!” Rosalind finally interjected, one hand clutching the pearls at her throat as she laid the other on his arm.
But no intervention was going to save things now. Eyes burning, chest constricting, Laurel just stared her father down. “Fine. At least we understand each other.” Whirling away, she headed for the door.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going, young lady? Don’t you walk away from me.”
“I’m not walking. I’m riding.” She resisted the urge to slam the door in an adolescent pique—barely.
It took three tries to get her arms shoved into the coat she’d grabbed on the way out. Her hands were shaking too badly. She’d done it. She’d told her father off. Everything was out, in possibly the worst possible fashion. She’d been accusatory and disrespectful in the extreme. No matter that what she’d said was true. If he spoke to her again after all this, she’d be amazed.
Sebastian’s truck was gone.
Fine. She didn’t feel like seeing him right now, either. One crisis at a time.
The sky was a solid sheet of gray. Not the most pleasant weather for riding, but she wasn’t in this for a happy jaunt. She needed to cool off, to gain some space and some distance so she could breathe again and figure out what the hell to do next. If they got rained on, they got rained on. They wouldn’t melt.
Inside the barn, she retrieved a saddle and bridle from the tack room and went to tack up Ginger. The mare blew out a breath, bumping Laurel against the shoulder and demanding chin scratches.
“I will give you the mother of all rubdowns when we get back, pretty girl. But right now, we need to move.”
She half expected Logan to come out after her, but he was probably dealing with the fallout she’d left behind. She’d apologize to him and Athena both when she returned. Swinging into the saddle, she nudged Ginger into a canter.
“At the first sign of confrontation, she backed right down. The opportunity was right there, and instead of speaking up, she just started talking about next semester and going back to school, as if we hadn’t made all these plans. Like she hadn’t just told me she was going to change her whole life because she wanted to stay.” Like she hadn’t made love to him after in that very same room. “Suddenly staying with me is throwing away her education.”
Frowning, Ivy crossed her legs and sank back onto the sofa. “I have a really hard time imagining Laurel saying that.”
“Well, she did. She said she wasn’t going to throw away her education. That it was stupid to come this far, work this hard, and not finish what she started.”
Ivy pressed her lips together. “Well, sweetie, she’s not wrong.”
Sebastian scowled, and she held up a hand in peace.
“It does make sense for her to finish up since she only has one semester left. And probably having that law degree would impress prospective investors or donors. But I’m not hearing anything in there that staying with you would be wasting her life. It just sounds like she needs to finish this one thing. Did she ever actually say she wasn’t going back to school?”
He opened his mouth to say yes, then stopped. They hadn’t actually talked about specifics yet. It had all been put off until they could speak to Logan about all of it. Which was exactly what she’d said when he’d confronted her in the barn.
“It doesn’t change anything. There’s not a damned thing stopping her from walking away and dumping this whole equine therapy program in my lap.”
He’d promised himself years ago he wouldn’t do this again. Wouldn’t do something he wasn’t a hundred percent on board with just in the name of getting someone to invest in him. He knew first-hand that people couldn’t be counted on. That people would always, always leave. And here he was, all ready to throw himself into this plan he’d been uncomfortable with from the start in the name of keeping Laurel in his life.
Harrison leaned forward, bracing his forearms on his knees. “Sebastian, man, she’s not Kevin.”
“What does he have to do with anything?”
“Look, I’ve known you for a lot of years. You have always been the go-to guy when anybody needs anything. You’re really good at being what other people need. But in all that time, I don’t think I’ve ever seen yo
u ask anybody for more than helping you carry something from one place to another. Hell, you didn’t even do that if you didn’t have to. You don’t ask people for help. Not for anything. And given your background, that makes sense. The last time you did that, your stepfather just threw up his hands and said he was out. The guy you should have been able to count on let you down, and you’ve spent the past decade plus expecting everybody else to do the same.
“Now here comes Laurel. She snuck right through all those defenses of yours to hand you exactly what you need. You didn’t have to ask. Didn’t have to say a thing. She just saw and gave, and that’s so different from what you expect, you can’t quite believe it. And I get it. It’s hard to get over that past experience. But at some point, you’ve gotta risk trusting somebody again.”
Ivy leaned forward. “Laurel isn’t with you because she needs something from you. She’s with you because she wants to be. And she wouldn’t have brought up this whole idea if she didn’t intend to stick with it, to stick with you, to make it a success. Because that’s not who she is. On some level you know that, or you wouldn’t be in love with her in the first place.”
Sebastian closed his eyes. He couldn’t deny it. He was in love with Laurel. And it scared him shitless because she was the first person he’d let close enough to hurt him in years.
He thought about that last accusation she’d hurled at him.
You’re so terrified of being abandoned again, you won’t even take the chance on me, on us. You’re standing there inventing a problem where there was none to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so you can tell yourself you were right. That everybody leaves, including me.
Was that really what he was doing?
He played their entire fight back through his head, actually hearing what she’d said instead of what he’d believed. She’d never lied. She hadn’t gone back on her word. They simply hadn’t been on the same page. And in his haste, his fear, at the first sign of difficulty, he’d broken faith with her. She’d trusted him to be there for her while she faced her parents, and he’d been the one to bail. He hadn’t heard her out, hadn’t stuck around long enough to calm down and listen. He’d just walked away.
