The Return of Lady Jane

by Michaels, Jess

  And it did. God, how it did.

  He stood and refolded the letters, binding them again as he called out for Simmons. “Yes, my lord,” he asked as he entered the room.

  Colin held out the letters. “Take these to my chamber. And have my horse brought around. I have somewhere I need to go immediately.”

  Colin sat in Alicia Beckford’s parlor, shifting uncomfortably in a chair as he awaited the arrival of his wife and her family. He had no doubt her protective older sister would not welcome him here.

  He knew full well he didn’t deserve their warmth or their welcome. But he would bear their censure if, in the end, he could somehow make up what he’d done to Jane.

  The door opened and Alicia Beckford stepped in. Like Jane, she had blonde hair, but she wasn’t as delicate as her sister. Her eyes were brown rather than blue. At present, she also looked like she was very capable of breaking a chair over his back.

  He stood quickly. “Mrs. Beckford,” he said. “Very nice to see you. Felicitations on the birth of your son.”

  Alicia’s face remained drawn and angry, and she didn’t offer a hand of welcome to him as she paced inside the room. “Get out of my house, Lord Wharton.”

  He froze at her cold order, gathering his composure in the face of her anger. “I understand your rage with me, madam. I know I deserve it. But I must see my wife. Please.”

  Her eyes narrowed at the please, but she shook her head. “Even if Jane were here, I would not allow you to see her.”

  “If Jane were here?” he repeated, his stomach sinking as a dozen horrible possibilities flashed through his mind. “Jane isn’t here? She did make it here last night, didn’t she?”

  Alicia scoffed. “Are you pretending you care for my sister’s well-being now, after what you did to her?”

  “I do care,” he insisted, his voice elevating slightly. “Please tell me she arrived here last night.”

  She pursed her lips. “She did,” Alicia admitted at last. Colin almost sagged in relief. “And she left very early this morning. So you have stolen her from me not once, but twice.”

  Colin stared. “She—she left?”

  “Yes, at dawn,” Alicia said with a pained sigh. “As she was sobbing in my arms last night, she just kept saying she wanted to go home. As if you ever provided her with a home. But somehow she loves that Applegate place of yours. She feels safe there, out of the line of your disdain. So you should congratulate yourself, my lord. It seems you’ve gotten rid of her just as you always wished.”

  Colin couldn’t help himself. He sank back into the chair, putting his head in his hands as he tried to process what had just happened.

  “I don’t want her gone,” he muttered through his fingers. “I know you don’t believe me. I don’t even blame you for that. But the last thing I want is for her to leave.”

  Alicia laughed. “Which is why you banished her based on a lie.” He lifted his gaze and found her nodding. “Oh yes, she cried out the whole sordid tale to me last night. I could hardly understand what she was saying through her hysteria.” She took her own seat. “Though you did save her life yesterday. That is the only thing I will ever thank you for.”

  Colin shook his head. “I don’t deserve even that. Damn it, Mrs. Beckford…Alicia…I know I’ve bungled this terribly. In ways that were in my control as well as ways that were not. But I promise you, the last thing I want is her gone.”

  Alicia stared at him, reading him. “Why? Why would you want her to stay? For your reputation? Your pride?”

  He swallowed. “None of those things. They’re the last on my mind. I want her here because I…I care for her.”

  Alicia got up and paced away. “How utterly romantic. You care for her.”

  “The first time I admit I love her, it isn’t going to be to you,” he snapped.

  She spun around at that statement and stared at him. Her defensive posture didn’t change much, but her expression softened ever so slightly. “If you feel as you say you do, I won’t tell you that you don’t have a chance,” she admitted, almost reluctantly. “But you will have to work at repairing this. I have never seen Jane so hurt to her core.”

  He nodded. “I hate myself for causing it, I assure you. I’m going to follow her.”

  “She’s only half a day ahead of you. In a carriage. It’s a long trip—on horseback, you could likely catch up with her at her first stop at an inn tonight. I can tell you which one she intends to take a break at.”

  He considered it for a moment, but then shook his head. “No. What I have to say, what I must do, it can’t be done on the road. At an inn where there is no privacy. Jane wants to go home, so I will let her go home. It will give her a few days of peace, which is what she asked of me. On horseback, I can get to Applegate a day and a half ahead of her. Which gives me time to prepare. I must prepare.”

  He realized he was musing aloud when Alicia cleared her throat. He looked at her sheepishly and found her looking at him, her demeanor and expression now far less hostile.

  “I-I want my sister to be happy,” she said. “If you intend to make this up to her, if you intend to make amends, I just hope you’ll allow her to come back to London. I miss her, Lord Wharton.”

  He bent his head. “I have failed her and all who love her. And I give you my word that I will do everything in my power to make it up to all of you.”

  She nodded at last. “Then you best be on your way, my lord. After all, it’s a long ride.”

  He followed her as she got up and motioned him to the door. “And I have a stop to make before I leave London. A very important stop, indeed.”

  Chapter Ten

  Jane climbed down from the carriage and drew in a long breath of brisk evening air as she stretched her back. It had been five long days of travel through wet and cold conditions back to Colin’s country home. Her home for the past year.

  But five days of travel hadn’t done what she’d hoped they would for her. Despite the time alone, she hadn’t forgotten what Colin had done. Or what he’d come to mean to her during their time together. She had been restless all along the way, unable to stop replaying her entire ill-fated visit to London over and over again.

  “Damn you,” she whispered to herself as her servants approached, welcoming her home. She greeted them with as happy a smile as she could pretend and walked up the stairs to the foyer where the butler, Chadwick, was waiting.

  “Welcome home, my lady.”

  “I know you were not expecting me back so soon,” she said. “I hope my note did not arrive too late and that you didn’t have to rush much to prepare for my arrival.”

  The butler shifted, refusing to meet her stare, and her heart sank. He was going to reassure her, but she could tell that this change of plans had upended the household. She would have to do something kind for the staff to make it up to them.

  “Of course not, my lady,” he said, his expression still odd. “And we are very pleased to have you back.”

  “I assume there was not much correspondence during my absence,” she said as she moved toward the stairs.

  “No, since you were meant to be in London, hardly any,” he said. “What little there was is awaiting you in your chamber.”

  “Excellent. I know Laura is seeing to the bags. Tell her I will tend to myself this evening and not to worry about putting things away. I’m exhausted and I think I’ll just go straight to bed.”

  “Of course, my lady,” Chadwick said, stopping at the base of the staircase. “Good night.”

  She nodded as she trudged up the stairs. She only had to keep this brave face on another few seconds. In her own bedchamber, without her maid watching, she could collapse at last and have a good cry. She felt like she’d earned that.

  She reached her door and went inside, toward the blazing fire. But before she could reach it, something caught her eye and she stopped. There was a vase filled with roses on the table next to her bed. The servants di
d keep fresh flowers in the house, but not in her bedchamber and not during the autumn months. Which meant these were from the hothouse, brought in specially.

  “Do you like them?”

  She froze. It was Colin’s voice behind her. But that was impossible. It had to be impossible. Wasn’t it impossible?

  Slowly, she turned and found it to be true. He stood in the doorway to the sitting room between their two chambers. He wore no jacket, waistcoat or cravat, his sleeves were rolled up and his feet were bare.

  Her heart began to race, not just because he was here or because he was so damned perfect in the firelight, but because she was happy to see him. She was a fool to have that reaction, after all he’d done. And yet there it was, a joy that clawed up her body and forced her acknowledgment.

  “What are you doing here?” she whispered. “And how are you here when I left you at your home in London?”

  “The ride is five days in a carriage, but only a little more than three on a horse,” he said. “As soon as I knew you were heading to Applegate, I made chase to arrive here before you.”

  She shook her head. “Well, that explains Chadwick’s odd expression and tone when I arrived.”

  “I asked him not to reveal my being here to you. I thought you might…you might leave if you knew I was waiting for you.”

  “So you manipulated the situation to your benefit,” she said.

  He stiffened. “I…I suppose that is true. And perhaps it was unfair. Would you…do you want to go?”

  She bent her head. There was no use trying to lie. “No. I don’t want to leave, nor would I have left if I’d known you were here.”

  Relief flowed over his features and for a moment he was younger, less stern, more the man she’d always hoped he could be. “Good. That means I have some small chance.”

  She clenched her hands before her and forced herself to remain in her place. “Why did you come, Colin? After everything that happened between us, after everything I said to you, why not leave it be, as I asked you to do back in London?”

  He held her gaze steadily and drew in a ragged breath before he said, “Because I love you, Jane.”

  She heard a little cry escape her lips, but his expression didn’t change as she processed that declaration, as it wound its way into her heart. There was so much of her that wanted to walk across the room to him and fall into his arms. To accept what he told her and surrender to him.

  But when she thought of how he’d been so willing to believe the worst of her, how he’d sent her away and hadn’t even bothered to respond to her when she pleaded with him to give her even a moment of his time…

  She had to harden herself.

  “Perhaps you believe you do, or think that you must after treating me so callously,” she said, hands shaking before she shoved them behind her back. “But love is not abandonment.”

  His face crumpled. “Yes, I do have a great deal to make up for. I want you to understand that I come here with no expectation that you will forgive me quickly or easily. I know I’ll have to earn your trust and your love after all I did to hurt you. But I must tell you one thing that may make it easier.”

  She tilted her head. “And what is that?”

  “I never received your letters,” he said, stepping into the room for the first time, closing just a fraction of the distance which separated them. “Arthur intercepted them, as part of his plan to keep us apart. So your pleas, the ones you mentioned in London…I now understand what you meant. And I didn’t respond to them because I didn’t ever know they were being made.”

  Her lips parted in surprise. There was some part of her that was softened by that truth. At least she knew he hadn’t been ignoring her directly. And yet she still couldn’t fully let him in.

  “Colin, this is your home and I have no right to tell you what to do or if you should leave. But whether you knew about my letters or not, you still made no attempt to bridge the gap between us, judging me harshly without even allowing me to defend myself.” She lifted her chin. “Right now, I have nothing else to say.”

  He nodded. “I understand that. You deserve your feelings. But you are right that I remained silent for a long time, based on a lie. A good portion of that fact is held on my shoulders, no matter how I was manipulated into it. If you have nothing to say, then allow me to speak at last.”

  He drew a long breath, then moved forward, pulling a letter from his pocket and holding it out to her. She stared at the folded sheet and then up to his face. “What is it?”

  “Please take it,” he whispered, his voice cracking just a fraction.

  She blinked as she did so, and he stepped away as soon as she had, granting her the space she claimed she desired. The space that felt less needed now that she’d felt his warmth so close to her.

  “You—you wrote me a letter?” she said, forcing herself to remain focused.

  “A response,” he clarified. “One long overdue. Read it at your leisure. Read all of them at your leisure. I will not push you, I will not interfere with you. But Jane, I’m not leaving. I’m simply waiting. Just as I made you wait.” He walked to the door where he paused and turned back. “Good night, my love.”

  He departed the room, closing the barrier behind him and leaving her in a state of utter confusion. She shook her head and broke the seal on his note, unfolding the sheets. Within, she was surprised to find the first letter she’d written to him, over three months before. She read over it, flinching at the raw pain in her words, the pleas for an audience with him.

  Then she turned to his response.

  Dearest Jane,

  This response is long overdue and for that I am endlessly sorry. I am sorry for a great many things. In truth, perhaps I wouldn’t have responded to this first letter had I received it six months ago. I was hurt and angry, poised on the edge of a cliff where I had no faith in anyone. Pushed over that edge by a manipulator I called a friend. But that does not excuse what I did and all I failed to do for you. I hope that somehow I can find a way to make up for it.

  Yours forever,

  Colin

  She gasped as pain flooded her, and she read his words again and again until they were blurry from her tears.

  She set the letter aside and paced her room, confused and torn. His first response had been honest and she appreciated it. But she was still hurt by him. His words didn’t change that. She was so confused. So hurt down to the core of herself that she didn’t have the strength to do anything at all. Not respond to his letter, not think about what she felt.

  She let out her breath in a long sigh, then set the letter aside on the bed, eyeing it as she unbuttoned her gown and stepped out of it. She set her dress on the back of her dressing table chair, then shed her underthings and walked naked back to the bed. She stared at the letter, re-reading it until the words felt seared on her mind and her soul.

  She glanced back toward the adjoining door. Colin had made no attempt to return to her. She didn’t hear him in the sitting room that acted as an antechamber between their bedrooms. It seemed, against all odds, that he truly meant to give her the space she needed to process all that had happened between them.

  She sighed and slid between cool sheets, blowing out the candle as she clutched his letter in her hand. Sleep was what she needed. A good night’s sleep. Only as she stroked her fingers over the thick vellum of his letter, she wasn’t sure sleep would come easily.

  Not when there was so much more than a door to separate her from her husband who now claimed he loved her.

  Jane tightened the tie of her robe around her waist and sat down at her dressing table with a sigh. It was a bright and happy morning outside her window. The leaves were turning red and coppery orange and a slight breeze blew in from the sea. On any normal day, she would have thrilled at the idea of taking one of her long walks through the estate, calling on tenants and enjoying this place she had come to love.

  Today, she couldn’t. Today she
could only look down at Colin’s letter, still reading his words as if they would somehow rearrange themselves and give her the answer of what to do next.

  There was a knock at her door and she jumped as she faced it. She hadn’t heard Colin moving around this morning. Even if he were up, he would likely come to the door that connected their rooms, but her heart still raced as she slipped up and opened it.

  Laura stood on the other side. The maid’s eyes were wide and she blushed. “Good morning, my lady.”

  Jane forced a smile and stepped aside to allow her servant entry. “Good morning. I trust you slept well after our arrival?”

  Laura gave her a side glance and cleared her throat. “I-I did.”

  “Well, we ought to start our day, yes?” Jane asked, turning away to move to her wardrobe and pick a gown like this was a normal day in her normal life.

  “Er, of course, but I must tell you that Lord Wharton has asked that I deliver you a message before we do anything else.”

  Jane caught her breath and pivoted to face her maid. Laura had come with her from London after her marriage. The young woman had probably seen more of her heartbreak than anyone. Now she held out another letter, folded just as the first one Colin had given her was.

  “I see,” Jane whispered, and stepped forward to take it, feeling the weight of it in her palm. She wasn’t certain she was ready to read what Colin had written next, so she clung to it instead. “He called you to him?” she asked.

  Laura nodded. “He did, to his chamber next door early this morning. I thought perhaps he was going to sack me, but he was actually very kind. He asked after our travels.”