Home Tears

by Tijan

  “I traveled, Aunt Mae. The whole point of me leaving was not to get in touch with anyone back here.”

  Aunt Mae sat silent, then harrumphed, “Well, that’s all done. You’re here. You’re staying, and it’s time you got one.” She patted her leg.

  “You think so, huh?”

  “I sure damn do—stop with the bait and hook game. I’m too irritated to bite the bait.”

  Her word was final, set in stone, and passed by legislation.

  Dani chuckled silently to herself. “I love you, Aunt Mae.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “And I’ll go get a cellphone tomorrow.” Dani waited and added, “Right after I steal my mother’s picture.”

  She didn’t have to wait long. It only took a second before Aunt Mae sputtered and exclaimed, “You’re doing what? From where?” She frowned. “I’m surprised any still exist. Kathryn was always a bit irrational, and she could be mean. I thought she would’ve tossed everything out.”

  Dani held her breath, remembering Mrs. Bendsfield’s proclamations. “Why was Aunt Kathryn so irrational? Was your mother like that?”

  “Oh.” Aunt Mae’s frown deepened, and she plucked at the blanket on her lap. “I suppose. Your mother and Kathryn never wanted to talk about your grandmother, but I got enough black sheep in me to handle it. No. My mother had all these ideas and grand schemes in life. She’d either be on top of the world or she’d be thinking the world was on top of her. No, no. Your grandma wasn’t alright in the head at times. I’d like to think Kathryn got more than her fair share of our mother.”

  “What part did my mom get?”

  “She got the dreamer. Kathryn got the scheming part, some of her paranoia, too.”

  “And you?”

  “Oh.” A smile warmed her face. “I got the wild streak. But I got some of her demons. Too much boozing, too much whoring, and too many life lessons learned the hard way. That was me—yep—up until the day your mother asked me to take care of you.”

  Dani caught her breath.

  “I stopped living your grandmother’s dreams, thinking they were mine, and I turned serious. I think she knew you wouldn’t take to Kathryn.”

  “Aunt Kathryn didn’t take to me.”

  “No, no. That wasn’t it.” Aunt Mae’s voice was firm. “I’m betting your mother knew Kathryn wouldn’t mold you, so she came to me. That’s back when she found out she was going to go, and Kathryn wasn’t accepting it, you see. I think Kathryn lived in denial of your mother’s sickness.”

  “Why didn’t you guys ever talk about Grandma?”

  “Oh,” Aunt Mae sighed softly. “It was more about what she didn’t do than what she did do. I lived through it, but I was the first out of the home, so I guess I didn’t see the worst to come. I heard about it, and I always thought Kathryn and your mother got a little brainwashed against me. Your grandmother and I used to fight. Those was ugly fights. Nasty.”

  “You said it was about what she didn’t do?”

  “She didn’t love us. Not the way it’s supposed to be, you know. She put herself first. I think a part of us all came from your grandmother, but I’d like to think I partied my selfish streak out of me. I knew enough to know when my little sister Danny came to me that meant my universe shifted. I needed to change, and she informed me of that. She said she would not have my lifestyle influencing her children, and I needed to straighten up if I wanted to be a part of your life.”

  Another memory tinged with a bitter lining. Dani remembered standing at her mother’s funeral, staring at that casket in the ground. Julia and Erica were huddled against Aunt Kathryn’s sides with her arms holding both, all three with tears on their faces. Dani stood alone. She’d yet to throw her pink rose inside, but she bit her lip to keep from crying.

  Then Mae was there, and she nudged her hand with her own.

  “You held my hand at the funeral.”

  A hoarse chuckle ripped from Aunt Mae’s throat. “I’d been standing in the back, all self-conscious and not knowing what the hell I was supposed to do. Your mother only spared one conversation with me in years, but you looked so lost and lonely. A little puppy that just realized her mother wasn’t coming back for her.”

  “You picked me up, and Aunt Kathryn thought it was the most horrible thing that could’ve happened. I remember that.”

  “Ah—Kathryn has some of our mother’s jealousy, too. She was clueless, didn’t know how to even speak with you, but she couldn’t stand the thought that I might know. You and me, Dani, we speak the same language. Your two sisters, they speak Kathryn’s language. Your mother knew that.”

  Her mother had known her. Her mother had looked out for her. Dani blinked her own tears back, holding tighter onto the blanket.

  “Your mother was a good one.” Aunt Mae’s voice rasped out, thick with emotion. “Life’s not been easy for you, but you had one great mother. You got a good start in life.”

  Dancing herbs and magical spices. Dani closed her eyes, but chuckled. “Erica used to sneak into my bedroom. She’d tell me that it was because our mom came to her. She wanted Erica to check on me, make sure I was okay.” Dani grinned fondly. “Erica was scared of the dark. She slept with me for three years.”

  “Erica loved you. She looked up to you.”

  Not when she used her.

  Not when she betrayed her.

  Not when she forgot Dani was in love with someone.

  Erica hadn’t idolized her then.

  Dani pointed out, “Until she was eleven. It was Julia after that.”

  Mae’s hand came down over hers. “Erica was an idiot.” She squeezed lightly. “Pure and simple, tried and true. That girl was an idiot. She loved you, and I knew she loved you. She worshipped the ground you walked on.”

  A tad dramatic, but Dani enjoyed her aunt’s flair.

  “I know you think I’m just exaggerating, but I’m not. Your sister, your littlest sis, she—Erica was a lot like you, more than you think. She kept the world away, like you do, Dani. You keep the world away. Erica did that. She gave one face for everyone to love, but she had another face behind her. Your little sister, I watched her. I saw it. She wasn’t the Erica everyone thought.”

  “What?” Dani asked. “She wasn’t really as self-absorbed as I thought? She didn’t want to be a goddess like everyone deemed her?”

  It was laughable. And it was bullshit.

  “Why do you think she fell in love with Jake?”

  Dani frowned.

  Aunt Mae added, “I never talked much to those two, but I saw plenty. Julia with her nose in the air, prancing in Kathryn’s shoes. You skulking wherever you thought no one would look, and Erica was the youngest. She watched, too. She got by. She played the part Kathryn wanted, but she kept you in her rearview mirror at all times. Your little sister, she idolized you no matter what you say. I know it.” She continued, “Little Erica was smart. Smarter than Julia. She had everyone in town wrapped around her pinkie, but by my thinking, she hadn’t counted on her fatal mistake.”

  Dani wrapped her fists in the blanket now.

  “She fell in love with your Jake. And your Jake fell in love with her.”

  Dani closed her eyes as if to ward off the impending assault.

  “She loved him because he loved you. I’ve had a few years to ponder the two of them. I’ve come to my conclusions, and I’ve got to say that Jake loved her. Hook, line, and sinker. It was the part of you that she had inside of her. That’s who he fell for.”

  Dani caught her breath and released it slowly.

  “Erica took a part of you that she loved and she made it a part of herself. That’s who Jake fell for. And I know it’ll hurt, but Jake was needed by Erica.”

  “What?” The words cut from Dani’s throat. “You don’t think I needed him?”

  “No.” Aunt Mae continued, “Not like she did. Jake was her soul. You were his, but he was hers. She needed him. You didn’t, and that’s what reeled that boy in. You didn’t need h
im, Dani. You didn’t need anyone.”

  Did she need Jake?

  What about Boone?

  “That boy didn’t know what train was coming his way. Erica was the train, and she barreled over him, but she didn’t know. She didn’t have no stupid driver. Erica was playing life just like the rest of us. She was going forward, but she couldn’t stop. She had no idea until you left.”

  Dani stood, holding the blanket around her. “I don’t want to hear any more.”

  “You got to.” Aunt Mae scrambled to her feet. “Because you have a sister in the grave you haven’t mourned yet. You have to mourn her. You got to make right with her.”

  “She’s dead!” Dani snapped. “She’s dead! She doesn’t give a rat’s ass what I think.”

  “You’re not! That’s what I’m getting at.” Aunt Mae was right there, right in her face. She didn’t blink an eye. “You’re alive and you’ve survived hell, though you don’t speak about it. I know! I know the look, but you’re standing, and you’re alive. You survived, but you ain’t living.”

  Erica wasn’t either.

  Dani couldn’t breathe. Her chest was constricted.

  Erica was dead. She hadn’t felt her sister leave, yet she’d felt the children die.

  That was the point.

  “You got to make right with your ghosts. Erica didn’t mean to fall in love with Jake, but she needed to.”

  “How can you say this?”

  Erica had Kathryn. Erica had everyone, but Mae was her aunt. She was supposed to be on her side.

  “Because I know you better than anyone else.” Aunt Mae grabbed Dani’s shoulders. “And I know how strong you are, how courageous you are, how beautiful you are. You left holding your head high because you lost your boyfriend. You and Jake were together all your life. News alert: if you didn’t need your boyfriend for that long, he’s not the one for you.”

  “I loved him!” The words ripped from her throat. “I loved him, and she took him.”

  “You’re not fighting Julia, Dani. You’re fighting Erica. She’s alive, and she is a ghost to you right now. Her body’s in the ground, but she’s around. She will be until you’re finally at rest with her.”

  Where had this come from? Where had any of this come from?

  “You feel guilt,” Aunt Mae murmured, quieting. “You gotta push that aside and start living. It’s stopping you from living. I don’t know what you’re guilty about. If it’s Erica dying, your mother dying, I don’t know. Or that you didn’t fight for Jake. I don’t know, but I see those demons in your eyes. Me, finding you here, sitting alone and damn near chilled—that pisses me off. You should have a husband beside you, and you should be happy, not a numb robot.”

  “What is this? An intervention on guilt?! Don’t come here and tell me what I’m messed up on, who I’m fighting. It wasn’t my fault that she up and died.” Her voice cracked and it took a moment for her to regain it. “Erica is supposed to be here, and she is supposed to be apologizing to me! I’m not in the wrong. It’s not me who should be apologizing to her!”

  “She apologized, Dani. It took about two years, but she did. She came and talked to me. She changed because of you. Erica knew what she did, that she lost you.”

  “I don’t want to hear this.” Dani started for the cabin.

  She did what she did best.

  She left.

  She grabbed her keys and was down the road within a second.

  Dust skirted underneath her tires, spitting the gravel behind her. She drove without thinking, and when she parked, she found herself on a cliff that overlooked Falls River. She closed her eyes, drawing in a breath. Another painful memory. Two trails led down to a pool of water below the cliff. There was a small cave that was underneath.

  It was where she and Jake first made love.

  Dani climbed from her car and moved to a trail. It looked the same, but brush had grown over it, nearly erasing the trail. It was years of remembrance that highlighted the trail as she made her way downward. It seemed a bit steeper, but flooded topsoil may have had a hand. As she came to the bottom, two buckets were placed near the bank with one containing different mussels and shells.

  The cave hadn’t remained a secret

  A large bubble popped the surface, and a dark shape quickly followed. Two heads broke the surface, complete in diving suits and snorkeling equipment.

  “Hey!” A smile broke out as he peeled off his goggles, and his mouth dropped the snorkel mouthpiece. Still attached around his head, it fell to his neck and Dani found herself meeting Jonah’s dark eyes. “What are you doing here?”

  His colleague peeled off another pair of goggles. It was the same Trenton Galloway who steered his boat to her dock. He waved before ducking back underneath the water. Jonah hoisted himself up and sat on the bank.

  “What are you guys doing here?”

  Jonah shifted through the bucket. “We found this cave a little while ago.”

  “What’s with the—?” Dani gestured to his hand.

  “It’s a freshwater mussel we found. This was supposed to be extinct, but Trent thinks we’ve found the next greatest discovery since the Red River ran north.”

  “What?”

  Jonah studied the mussel and replied, distracted, “It’s a river on the Minnesota and North Dakota border. It goes up where all the others go down.”

  Not what she meant. “Why are you here? How’d you find this place?”

  “Oh—Jake told us about it. He said he used to come here all the time as a kid—oh.” Understanding dawned in his shoulders as he suddenly glanced up, wide-eyed. “This was…”

  “I found this place. Not Jake.” Dani sat beside him. Rolling up her pants, she slipped her feet into the water and felt it’s warmth against the cold air. This was a day when one shivered as they came up for air. The water served as a warming blanket.

  Jonah continued to watch her. “Any consolation, but this mussel’s going to be on the cover of Rivers and Streams. It really is a find. There’s a research team coming to town in a month just for this sucker.”

  “And they’re going to violate my cave.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “You’re right. I’m not. But I understand, if that’s worth anything.”

  “This was my spot with Jake.” It went without saying. Jonah was quick on the draw, but she felt the need to say it.

  Trenton decided to reappear that moment and grinned at them. “This is awesome, Jonah. Another load and we’ll have a good enough find to get some grant money for this river.”

  Jonah shot a cautious look in her direction.

  Trenton waved at her. “Ah, it’s Dani. She won’t say anything. Besides, it’ll go public in two months. Plenty of time to solidify our ownership before any freshwater pirates join up.”

  “Freshwater pirates?”

  Trenton hoisted himself on the other side of Jonah. “When a lot’s been found like this and it has some serious scientific finding, there’s always going to be someone else trying to cash in.”

  “Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in the scientific world.”

  Trenton shrugged. “Yeah, but we want to make sure all the new grant funds are going to come through our department. When the magazine comes out, the word will be officially out. Research teams are going to pop up around Craigstown like ticks in the summer.”

  Dani cringed and started itching. “Thanks for that thought.”

  Trenton laughed and rifled through the bucket, still in Jonah’s hand.

  “What are you doing here, by the way?”

  Dani shrugged. “Felt like a drive down memory lane.”

  Jonah’s eyes sharpened, and Dani knew he hadn’t bought it.

  Trenton looked up. “Huh?”

  “This used to be Jake and Dani’s spot.”

  “Oh.” Trenton grimaced. “Sorry, Dani. This spot’s going public from now on.”