Brave
Page 1
“Sissy Goff is unquestionably the expert in helping young women identify their strengths and areas of need. Sissy helps them shape their days and their thoughts and therefore their futures. She is a gift to any family raising a young woman in our culture and our time.”
—Annie F. Downs, bestselling author and host of the That Sounds Fun podcast
“This book was born out of a strongly felt need to address the anxiety that many girls are facing today. In this book Sissy will take your hand, speak the truth, and equip you with the tools you need to navigate your way through the stormy seas of worry and anxiety. Brave is a timely gift. Don’t miss it.”
—Ellie Holcomb, Dove Award–winning singer/songwriter
“As someone who struggles with anxiety, I am very thankful for this book. It made me feel like Sissy was right there, sitting and talking with me. I related to all of her examples, and it made me feel not so alone knowing that other girls would be reading this and relating to it as well. This book will be something I forever hold close to my heart. I hope other girls can feel as thankful for Sissy as I do.”
—Hallie, 13
“This book confirms what I’ve always known: Sissy has the ability to really understand me! As a teenage girl who struggles with ADHD and anxiety, Sissy’s words encourage me and help me feel not so alone. Balancing funny with serious, she makes talking about hard stuff not so daunting. I know other girls will connect with this book and it will help them too!”
—Sydney, 14
“Throughout high school I have found myself struggling many times. I felt the need to change myself to fit in and be liked. I felt anxious all the time because I lost myself in trying to be everything I wasn’t. Through the ten years I’ve known Sissy, she has planted so much in my mind, and it’s all wrapped up in this book. The reminder that I’m not the only one dealing with anxiety has helped me be not only happier with myself but a better friend to others.”
—Eleanor, 17
“This book made me feel good to know that I wasn’t alone in having worries. It was a great perspective on seeing how God can lead us through our worries and our anxiety.”
—Piper, 13
“I love this book because it feels like Sissy really connects with me and is having a conversation with me. It is important to know that you are not the only one who deals with worry and anxiety. Don’t let the Worry Monster get under your skin! God is always in control!”
—Kaitlyn, 13
“Sissy explained the parts of my anxiety that I’ve never been able to articulate. Being able to pull out the book and hear Sissy’s insightful tips in the exact moment that I was feeling anxious was so helpful. This book is a game changer!”
—Catherine, 16
“I recommend this book to any teenage girl who struggles with any type of worry. This book shows you that it is okay to worry and that you aren’t alone.”
—Ella, 17
“Sissy has helped me through seasons of anxiety and fear and has been a rock in my life. This book is just like sitting in her office and feeling the safety that led me to overcome my anxiety. I know this book will help so many who, like me, were stuck and now are free.”
—Seanna, 16
“I can only imagine the number of teenage girls this book is going to help. It felt as if Sissy was speaking to me, as if she knew exactly how I felt when I worried. I would give this book the highest recommendation to my peers and friends because I know everyone has fears, worries, and anxieties, and everyone needs help overcoming them.”
—Jadyn, 16
© 2021 by Helen S. Goff
Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com
Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com
Ebook edition created 2021
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
ISBN 978-0-7642-3839-0 (paperback)
ISBN 978-0-7642-3908-3 (casebound)
ISBN 978-1-4934-3163-2 (ebook)
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Scripture quotations identified ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2016
Scripture quotations identified THE MESSAGE are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Excerpts from Raising Worry-Free Girls by Sissy Goff, copyright © 2019. Used by permission of Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group.
Some names and recognizable details have been changed to protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories for this book.
The information in this book is intended solely as an educational resource, not a tool to be used for medical diagnosis or treatment. The information presented is in no way a substitute for consultation with a personal health care professional. Readers should consult their personal health care professional before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from the text. The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use of and/or application of any of the contents of this book.
Cover design by Dan Pitts
Interior illustrations on pages 17, 82, 84, 137, and 138 by Connie Gabbert.
Illustration on page 54 is based on Shutterstock image 588235892 by AVA Bitter.
Illustration on page 99 is based on Shutterstock image 102371905 by mhatzapa.
Illustration on page 161 is based on Shutterstock image 12619393 by olkapooh.
The Feelings Chart on page 189 was designed by Katie Plunkett. Used by permission. No reproductions allowed.
I think of faith as a kind of whistling in the dark because,
in much the same way, it helps to give us courage
and to hold the shadows at bay . . . to demonstrate,
if only to ourselves, that not even the dark can quite overcome
our trust in the ultimate triumph of the Living Light.
—Frederick Buechner
I have had the tremendous privilege of bearing witness to the whistling of thousands of girls in my almost thirty years as a counselor at Daystar Counseling Ministries. They have taught me, and their parents with them, what it looks like to truly live out this idea—this force—this blessed hope of bravery. This book is written for them, the girls and young women who have allowed me to sit with them in their stories and hear them whistle with strength, with beauty, and with a buoyant hope. Light wins every time. Thanks for leading the charge and being reminders of what it looks like to take heart, live brave, and whistle.
Contents
Cover 1
Endorsements 2
Half Title Page 4
Title Page 5
Copyright Page 6
Dedication 7
To the Parent Who Bought This Book 11
Introduction 15
Rules for Reading 19 Things to Remember
SECTION ONE: UNDERSTANDING 21
1. Defining the Worry W
ords 23
2. Why Me? 37
3. How Will This Help? 63
SECTION TWO: HELP 75
4. Help for Your Body 77
5. Help for Your Mind 103
6. Help for Your Heart 125
SECTION THREE: HOPE 147
7. Trouble 149
8. Take Heart 157
9. He Has Overcome 175
Notes 181
About the Author 187
The Feelings Chart 189
Back Ads 191
Back Cover 193
To the Parent Who Bought This Book
First of all, thank you. If you bought this book, my guess is you have a worrier, or you’re worried that you have a worrier. I truly believe this book will help. Second, if you’re really worried that you have a worrier, I suggest you grab a copy of Raising Worry-Free Girls. Here’s why:
When my publisher first approached me about writing a book for girls on worry and anxiety, my immediate response was, “Only if you’ll let me write one for parents too.” Anxiety is not just a childhood epidemic in America today. It’s also a parenting epidemic. If you struggle with anxiety, your child is up to seven times more likely to struggle with it herself.1 A few more interesting facts: Most kids go two years before receiving any kind of help for their anxiety, and anxiety left untreated usually gets worse.2 By the way, that’s most of the bad news in Raising Worry-Free Girls. The rest of it is filled with good news that can help you and the worried girl you love, whatever her age.
Anxiety is tricky because it often doesn’t look like anxiety. For younger girls, it can look more like manipulation and anger. As girls get older, it morphs into type A behavior or perfectionism. It also looks like the child who loves control. The source of worry morphs over time as well, so it’s easy to think the signs of anxiety were part of a phase because as soon as you start to notice how much she’s worried about being away from you, it stops. A few months or years later, though, it emerges as worry about flying on airplanes or throwing up or any other unrelated topic. And the whac-a-mole game of parenting a child with anxiety begins. My guess is that if you have a teenager who is prone to worry, she’s been that way for quite some time. It’s undoubtedly enough to make you anxious, if you weren’t already.
In this book I have outlined a few guidelines for her. My hope is that reading Brave, for her, will be much like sitting in my counseling office at Daystar. Obviously, I’m not in person with her, although I wish I were. But many of the same guidelines still apply—for her and for you.
The most important guideline is confidentiality. Not for her. She’s welcome to talk to whomever she likes. I certainly hope she talks about her worries with you. In fact, I’ll encourage that often throughout this book. The confidentiality clause is for you. I can’t tell you how many times over the years of counseling girls I’ve heard a parent say something like “She left her journal out in the den because she really wanted me to read it.” Teenagers are forgetful. Have you noticed how many things she leaves out? This book will only help if she’s honest in what she writes, and that honesty will only happen if she believes you won’t look through this book when she’s at school. I know you want to help, but I recommend that you let this be her space. Every teenager needs space to process her emotions.
So here are your main guidelines:
Give her space to process.
The work is hers, not yours. Sorry—it sounds a little harsh, I know. You will also be tempted—and I would imagine have been tempted a lot over the years—to rescue her. In fact, the two most common strategies for dealing with anxiety are escape and avoidance, according to cognitive therapy experts David Clark and Aaron Beck.3 I don’t mean you avoiding her, but you helping her escape and avoid whatever is making her anxious. If you have done those things, I have every confidence it was with the best of intentions. The problem is that neither strategy actually helps. The definition of anxiety I came up with in Raising Worry-Free Girls is this: “Anxiety always involves an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of herself.”4 For her to work through her fear, she’ll have to do the thing that scares her. I’m going to give her a lot of tools in these pages. She is capable. The work is hers.
Ask her open-ended questions about her work from time to time. Teenagers shut down when they feel like their parents are interrogating them (moms, I’m not pointing the finger specifically at you, but . . .). Don’t ask her about it every day. Give her space to process. But every so often, ask her how it’s going. What does she think of the book? What’s one thing she’s learned recently? I tell parents that breezy is the best posture when it comes to teenagers. Act breezy. If you care more than she does, she’ll likely care less—on purpose.
Give her time to answer. She may not answer you right away. She may have to think about it. That’s okay. Again, give her time and space to process.
Be aware of what you reinforce. Whatever you pay the most attention to as a parent is what’s most reinforced. Pay more attention to her courage than her anxiety. Praise her for her bravery. Call out any time you see strength in her. Connect with her around what she can do and how she is capable, rather than the times she isn’t or does her best to communicate to you that she’s not. I have had teenage girls tell me that their moms are most nurturing when they have panic attacks. Be aware of what you’re attending to the most.
When all else fails, offer empathy and questions. Empathy is always a good place to start with teenagers. It’s hard to be a teenage girl in today’s world—yes, harder than it was for us. It means a great deal to her when she knows that you see that. Empathize, and then ask questions. “That sounds hard. What do you think would help?” “What do you think is the best thing to do?” “What is your heart telling you?” “What do you hear God saying to you?” Questions imply capability. We want her to believe that she’s capable. Even if she doesn’t have an answer, just the fact that you asked communicates that you believe she’s capable. She is bigger than her worries. She’s stronger than whatever problem is facing her right now. She’s got to do the work. But you can offer support through empathy, questions, and a whole lot of encouragement along the way.
Introduction
Hey! My name is Sissy. I’m so glad to get to meet you—although I really wish we were meeting in person rather than just in the pages of this book. I have a feeling we’d like each other. But for now, we can do our best to imagine how things would go if we were meeting in person.
Let’s start with a little backstory. Maybe you’ve been worrying some lately.
Maybe you’ve been worried about what your friends think of you and whether they notice when you say the things that you think sound kind of awkward sometimes (and whether they’re just acting like they don’t notice). And then you replay what you said and try to figure out from their reaction if it really was awkward and if they’ll want to keep hanging out with you. Your mind keeps thinking about it, over and over and over.
Maybe just being with others makes you nervous. Adults are fine, but people your age are a different story. It’s hard to know what to say or when to say it. It’s even hard to know who to talk to in unstructured social times, like at lunch or youth group. So it becomes easier to hang back or stay away from those situations completely. The problem is that the more you pull back, the harder it is to step back in. The worry becomes so consuming that it’s all you can think about when you’re with people, so spending time around other people happens less and less often. People besides your family, that is. But the worry about missing out nags at you too.
Or maybe you threw up with the last round of the flu. Now every time you get a little sick—or your stomach feels the slightest bit weird—you can’t stop thinking that you might throw up. You end up making yourself feel sick just from thinking so much about being sick.
Maybe you can’t fall asleep at night because your brain won’t stop looping through all the things you worry about.
Maybe you’ve worried ever since you wer
e little, although the topics have changed. And you’ve wondered, after hearing other people in school talk about anxiety, if that might be what’s going on with you. Maybe you feel pretty sure it is.
Maybe, when you worry, things don’t feel quite right, but you’ve found a few things that help. Things like counting even numbers, tapping, washing your hands, or checking on things. Maybe you have something you do that makes you feel better at bedtime, even though that thing doesn’t totally feel like it makes sense.
Maybe you worry about getting worried, and that if the thing that happened recently really was a panic attack, you could have one again at any moment.
Now let’s imagine your mom or dad has noticed. They’ve noticed because you’re spending more time in your room, or you’re missing school because of headaches. Maybe you’re not interested in doing things with friends as much as you used to be. Or maybe you brought it up to them and they said, “We think it’s time to talk to someone.”
Those words can sound kind of ominous. “Talking to someone” about the things that are going on deep inside of you, when you’ve never even met that person, can feel intimidating or awkward.
Or it might not. You might have friends in counseling and you’ve been curious if it would help you too. You might have wanted to bring the subject up with your parents but weren’t sure how or whether they would think something was wrong with you.
That’s where I come in.
Let me interrupt our imagining to say that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Nothing at all—unless the same thing is wrong with almost one out of every three kids in your grade.1 You are totally normal. In fact, you’re a lot better than normal. But we’ll come back to that.
I got us off the track of our story. Your parents told you—or you decided—it was time to try counseling. Now you’ve gotten pulled out of math class to come to my office. You drive up to an adorable yellow house with a white picket fence.
“Is this really where we’re going?”