Brave

by Sissy Goff

  Here’s what we’ve learned about the Worry Whisperer so far:

  He’s a liar.

  He’s an isolator.

  He’s confusing.

  And he’s smart, in a sneaky kind of way.

  The Whac-a-Mole Ways of Worry

  The Worry Whisperer knows the things that you are most likely to worry about at any given age. He knows the thing that would be the scariest in second grade—like something bad happening to your parents. And sixth grade—like throwing up. And tenth grade—like failing a certain subject or being abandoned by friends. He then takes those intrusive thoughts (intrusive because they intrude on whatever you’re thinking about right then) and drops them into your brain. Because those thoughts represent the scariest thing you can imagine at that particular age, they are the thoughts that have the most power. Therefore, they’re the thoughts that get stuck. Whac-a-mole. You beat him in one area in second grade. He pops up in a different way in sixth. And so on. The great news is the tools that beat him in second grade work in sixth and tenth as well. They continue to work when you’re a grown-up too. Anxiety expert Tamar Chansky says that although “anxiety is the number one mental health problem facing children and adolescents today . . . it is also the most treatable.”4 We’re gonna prove together just how weak this Worry Whisperer is!

  I do want to mention two more words that aren’t used much in your world anymore, though they certainly should be. Stress and pressure. We’re going to talk about them both in the next chapter. Stress is a powerful force and one that kicks the Worry Whisperer into high gear. I believe you live with profoundly more stress than I did when I was growing up, and more than your mom and grandmother grew up with. You live with more pressure to get things right, to succeed, to look beautiful, and to have all of your friends and followers on social media respond. It’s a lot.

  I’m going to use the words worry and anxiety in this book interchangeably, mostly because some of you live more in the land of worry, some of you struggle more with anxiety, and some of you flip back and forth. In fact, we all worry at least a little—people who don’t worry at all certainly aren’t reading this book.

  When to Worry about Your Level of Worry

  Actually, I don’t ever want you to worry about your worry. Maybe we should call this section “When to Make Sure You Have Someone in Your Life to Help You with Your Level of Worry.” In this book, we’re going to be talking about worry and anxiety both. I do want you to know that we can feel anxious and even struggle with anxiety without it being “diagnosable.” Diagnosable anxiety is what the folks in my profession would refer to as a disorder. It could also be called clinical anxiety at that point. Clinical anxiety comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s social anxiety, phobias (debilitating fears around certain objects), panic disorder, and panic attacks. Obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are very similar to anxiety disorders. And then there’s the wider diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, as well as several others. Just because you identify with the anxiety we talk about in this book does not necessarily mean that you have one of these or any kind of anxiety disorder. Don’t jump to diagnosing yourself. Your feelings are valid even without a diagnosis. You don’t want to be defined by a struggle you’re experiencing.

  If any of the following apply to you, I want you to talk to someone. Show your parents this section of the book and let them know I said it was time.

  If your anxiety is debilitating, meaning you aren’t able to do or think about anything else when the anxiety hits.

  If it interrupts your daily life.

  If you try the things in this book and they don’t seem to help—or they don’t help enough.

  If anxiety is affecting at least two of the three most important parts of your life: your family, your friends, your schoolwork.

  If it’s gone on for at least six months.

  Anxiety left untreated only gets worse. It can also lead to depression when it goes on for too long. But we’re not going to let it.

  Here’s the good news: You can do this. You’re not alone. You’ve got me, and you’ve got people in your life who love you and want to help. You’ve got a God who delights in you and has beaten every Worry Whisperer that’s ever been or ever will be. And I know that you’ve got more strength, more resourcefulness, more grit, and more brave going on inside of you than you think. God made you that way. I can’t wait for you to see that version of you in action.

  What are three things you’ve learned so far?

  I want you to write a letter here to the Worry Whisperer. What would you want to say to him?

  A Few Brave Things

  to Remember

  It’s never been harder to be a teenage girl than it is today.

  Worry tries to make you think something is wrong with you and you’re the only one who feels this way. Neither is true.

  Anxiety is a liar and an isolator. It’s also very confusing.

  Fears have to do with something we’re afraid of—that our amygdala has developed an unpleasant emotional attachment to. Worry doesn’t go away just because we get away from the thing we’re afraid of. It’s more about a general subject than a specific object. Anxiety is when those fears are worries that get stuck—much like the one-loop roller coaster at the fair.

  It’s important to give your anxiety a name so you can remember that his voice is not only not yours, but it’s also not true.

  The subject your worry loops around changes as you get older. Basically, it’s the scariest thing you can imagine happening at any specific age.

  Anxiety left untreated only gets worse. If your worry or anxiety seems to be getting worse, or you’re just not sure what to do to make it better, talk to your mom or dad. Find a grown-up at school or church you can trust and who can help you find your way to help—and to beating this lying, isolating, confusing Worry Whisperer. You can do this!

  2. Why Me?

  I want to know what you think. What do you believe are the reasons why you worry? I don’t mean the things you worry about, but why you struggle with worry or anxiety.

  I wish I could see your list. If I had to guess, I would imagine that you wrote a few phrases like “I’m too ________” or “I’m not _______ enough.”

  “I care too much about what people think.”

  “I overthink things too much.”

  “I’m too sensitive.”

  “I’m not independent enough.”

  “I’m not confident enough.”

  “I’m not brave enough.”

  Maybe you should go back and add to that list now. What are really the reasons you suspect that you worry?

  Years ago I read something I’ll never forget. You know how we have those things? It’s because I realized when I read it how true it was. It said that when something goes wrong in a boy’s world, he blames someone else. When something goes wrong in a girl’s world, she blames herself. RIGHT?! It’s why I’d guess your list had several negative things on it that you believe are true about you.

  The other reason I know those sentences are on your list is that I have heard thousands of girls say them over the years. I would guess you say something like them every single day. I would also guess that you get angry with yourself far more often than you get angry with anyone else. I know those sentences because I get it—I do the same. I think one of the Worry Whisperer’s other worst tricks is that he tries to get us to blame ourselves for things that are either out of our control or aren’t blameworthy to begin with.

  I want to set the record straight here, not just about why you worry, but about you. Those sentences simply aren’t true. Now, maybe you are sensitive. Perhaps you don’t have a lot of confidence or you don’t feel like you’re very brave. But any time you use the words too much or not enough, that’s when you know you’re believing the Father of Lies again. We all have areas where we struggle. I often think of it like muscles. My math muscle isn’t great—and neither is my patience muscle. Those a
re muscles I continue to work on as an adult. (Okay, truth be told, I don’t really work on my math muscle much anymore.) Even if there is a little truth to those statements, those are EXACTLY the muscles we’re going to be building together in this book! You’re not too much or not enough anything. For now, let’s talk about why you really worry. And then we’ll come back to the truth of who you are.

  The Externals

  A few times in this book I’m going to have to tell you to trust me. This is one of them. The overwhelming majority of the reasons you struggle with worry and anxiety don’t have anything to do with who you are on the inside. They’re externals. They’re parts of your life that you didn’t choose or that you didn’t have any control over. They’re outside of you. External—get it? Remember, I’ve been counseling for almost thirty years. And I forgot to say, when I wrote the book for your parents, I read twenty-three books on the topic of anxiety. I really do know a lot about the subject. Let’s talk about some of those externals I’ve learned about through counseling and research.

  The Family Trickle-Down

  Who in your family are you most like?

  How are the two of you similar?

  I wonder if part of how you’re similar is that you both struggle with worry. There’s a great chance it’s your mom that you’re most like in the worry category, but it could be your dad. It could even be a grandparent or an aunt. Now, your worry might look different than theirs, but you still have a worry trickle-down that affects you. In fact, if you have a parent who has anxiety, you’re up to seven times more likely to experience it yourself.1 And your family member might not even understand that the name for what’s happening is anxiety.

  My mom died this past year. I still miss her so much. She loved my sister and me like crazy. And remember, the things that are most important to us are the things that can easily start to loop. My sister and I were what our mom worried about the most. She would often say, “Worrying is a mother’s job.” She also often said that she did NOT have anxiety. My sister and I knew the truth . . . and I would guess that now in heaven she does too. She had anxiety, especially when it came to my sister and me.

  When I turned sixteen, I got a car. I know, I was really lucky. It was a cool car—an old navy blue BMW with a sunroof and a tape deck, which was how we played music in our cars before Bluetooth. It also came with a twenty-four-inch rusted metal spike, courtesy of my mom. She told me it was for me to use to shatter my window if I went off a bridge so I could swim out. Yep. I’m serious. If she were sitting here, she would tell you it was very important that I keep it in my car at all times. My sister and I also got pepper spray in our stockings every single year. I guess our version of Santa had a little anxiety too.

  For both of us, it trickled down. However, my sister’s and my worries look really different. Let me also insert here that if you’re the oldest, it’s very likely to trickle down to you first. It definitely hits the younger sister (and brother) sometimes too, but the oldest almost always catches some of it. My sister, Kathleen, and I are sixteen years apart. Yes, you read that right. I was SHOCKED when my parents told me they were pregnant. Because we’re so far apart in age, it’s a little like we’re both the oldest—or only children—in our birth order, and we both caught some of the anxiety.

  My anxiety comes more in the form of a type A personality. I’m a perfectionist. If you’ve ever studied the Enneagram, I’m a 1. (If you haven’t, check out The Road Back to You book or podcast. It’s my favorite personality study out there.) The fact that I’m a 1 means I don’t necessarily feel anxious on a daily basis, but I am highly productive. I get so much done, and quickly. I was always the first to finish a test in school. My room was clean. My bed was made. And still, when I find myself putting everything back in order in my house, I realize that I’m worried about something. It’s all about order for me. Order might be the thing that helps you feel better too. If so, you hate it when your brother comes in and messes up your room. Sometimes you have to line things up just so, or put your clothes out the night before, or do all kinds of organized or efficient things to help yourself feel better.

  Kathleen is different. She’s organized, but she doesn’t have to be, which is awesome for her. She might even say that my need to be organized drives her a little crazy. (She probably wouldn’t say that out loud, because she’s super sweet. You’d really like her.) She’s an Enneagram 6 and has a primary need for security. Having someone listen and worry with her really helps her. She also, however, doesn’t seem worried. She says she’s like a duck gliding on the water, looking very smooth and unruffled but paddling her feet as fast and furiously as she can underneath the surface.

  We both caught the trickle-down. You might have too. Your anxiety might look different from your mom’s or dad’s, but it’s still there. You hear theirs in how often they ask you where you’ll be going or what time you’ll be home. You likely know just what your worried family member’s Worry Whisperer sounds like. And there’s a significant chance their Worry Whisperer tries to make them worry about you.

  Here’s the thing. You can’t call them out on their anxiety. If you were to tell them those things aren’t important or are just their Worry Whisperer talking, it might not go over so well. They would likely use the word disrespect, and you might end up grounded. We sure wouldn’t want that. But what you can do is remind each other. You can ask your mom or dad to get a copy of Raising Worry-Free Girls. Many parents I’ve talked to started reading that book for their daughters and found themselves in the pages. You can ask them to read this book after you do. Then you can gently remind each other when you hear the Worry Whisperer coming through. You can tell them, “Your Worry Whisperer is getting my Worry Whisperer stirred up,” as long as you say it respectfully. I have a nine-year-old friend who tells her mom sometimes, “It sounds like the Worry Monster is talking to you again, Mom.” She says it with respect, which means it goes over much better.

  You want your mom or dad to help you with this fight against the Worry Whisperer, but you can help them too. There’s a whole lot more strength when you’re fighting together than when you’re each fighting on your own. And that strength and resilience are two of your most important tools in this fight, regardless of your external situation.

  From Trouble to Trauma

  Just like with the words anxiety and depression, I’m sure you’re hearing the word trauma a lot too. I certainly am. It’s another one of those words we seem to be using more in the past few years. We use it to describe all manner of things, including horrific events—such as watching someone die—and even as a type of slang. You might have experienced talking to a friend about something you struggle with when someone else overheard you and said, with more sarcasm than concern, “Trauma.”

  What does trauma really mean? Let me give you the clinical definition first. According to the American Psychological Association, “A traumatic event is one that threatens injury, death, or the physical integrity of self or others and also causes horror, terror, or helplessness at the time it occurs. Traumatic events include sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, community and school violence, medical trauma, motor vehicle accidents, acts of terrorism, war experiences, natural and human-made disasters, suicides, and other traumatic losses.” The article goes on to say that more than two-thirds of us have experienced a traumatic event by the age of sixteen.2

  Here’s some good news: Trauma is really a newer word we have for trouble that has been around for a long time. John 16:33 is a verse we’re going to talk more about in the last section of the book: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” It could also read, “In this world you will have trauma.” The rest of that verse is what enables us to go through trauma. We do not go through it alone. Jesus has overcome the world, and He eventually redeems every bit of trauma that we experience. You will likely go through trauma and be even stronger and more resilient for having gone through it. It’s what research sa
ys,3 and it’s certainly the case for many girls I know.

  Take Ellen. She was young when her parents divorced. Several years later, her dad remarried a woman that Ellen was close to. One weekend, when Ellen and her brother were staying with their dad, an argument erupted in their house. The argument escalated and got physical. Ellen heard the yelling and ushered her brother into another room where he wouldn’t have to see what was happening. Her stepmom called the police, and Ellen watched her dad get in the back of a police car and be driven away. It was traumatic for Ellen.

  Take Lily. When Lily was ten, she lost her mom. It was completely unexpected. Her family was at home. She was the first one to call 9-1-1 after her mom’s stroke. She witnessed not only what happened, but the aftermath of her dad’s panic and devastation. All of it was what we would consider trauma.

  Take Katherine. Katherine’s dad was a drug addict. When he was sober, she would get to see him. When he wasn’t, her mom would make sure she wasn’t exposed to the dangerous situations that arose from his behavior while he was on drugs. But it was hard to know when he was using and when he wasn’t . . . and hard to anticipate the risky situations he might put Katherine in. Not only did he put her in traumatic situations over the years, but their relationship itself was traumatic for Katherine.

  Take Hannah. Hannah was bullied over and over by a group of girls when she was in elementary school. One afternoon, one of the girls grabbed her on the playground, pushed her to the ground, and proceeded to kick her as the other girls stood around laughing. That traumatic scene has been etched into Hannah’s mind.

  I could tell you stories of literally thousands of girls like Katherine, Lily, Ellen, and Hannah. They are four strong, resourceful, courageous young women whom I admire greatly. I have watched God at work in redeeming their stories through the strength of these girls. It’s not complete. It’s still hard. But I wish I’d had more of their courage when I was in high school. I wish I’d had more of yours.