Gazillions of Reptilians: A humorous paranormal novel (Freaky Florida Book 7)

by Ward Parker

  “You have kidney failure?”

  “Yep. I’ve been doing dialysis three times a week, and my doctor says I need a transplant.”

  Missy realized she’d been holding her breath for an unhealthy interval.

  “Can’t you heal your kidneys with magic?” she asked.

  “Nope. I practice black magic. I put hexes on fields to kill crops. I make people grow hideous warts while their hair falls out. I summon demons to kill the innocent. Healing magic, it’s not.”

  “Don’t you also raise the dead? Isn’t that sort of a healing process?”

  “Nope. Totally different principle. Plus, my kidneys aren’t technically dead. And if they were, who would want zombie kidneys?”

  “I see,” Missy said.

  What was the best way to politely decline the request for a kidney?

  “You know, I’ve been awfully busy lately. I just don’t have time to undergo major surgery.”

  “You call giving enemas to constipated vampires busy? That’s more important than saving a life?”

  “Asks the woman who tried to kill me. And not just at the office building. There was the time before that when you tried with a giant mosquito and an enthralled ogre.”

  “Missy, you need to learn to forgive and forget. It’s unhealthy to carry resentments inside you.”

  Missy didn’t add that she suspected her mother was responsible for her father’s death. She’d learned her father was also a witch, as he called himself. Others referred to him as a wizard. Either way, he was exceptionally wise and powerful, using white magick as Missy did, never dabbling in black magic like his wife.

  One night, he was killed in their kitchen in what was officially called a freak dishwasher accident. Most in the magic community believed a demon was at fault.

  Missy believed the demon was summoned by her mother, who was jealous for being overshadowed by her husband’s magic. Her mother, of course, denied it.

  Missy had resolved to find the truth someday.

  “Oh, it’s my fault for feeling resentment?” Missy asked. “And how do I know this isn’t a scheme to get me onto an operating room table, under anesthesia, where you can kill me?

  “I’m your mother, the one who gave you life.”

  “You wouldn’t even be talking to me now if you didn’t need something from me.”

  “I need life. You can give me life.”

  Well, when she puts it that way, it’s even harder to say no.

  “Aren’t you on an organ donor registry?”

  “Of course. But the wait could be longer than the time I have left.”

  “Oh.”

  “Can you, at least, find out if we’re a match? That's all I ask right now. See if we're a match, and then you can decide what to do.”

  “Okay. I'll let you know.”

  Missy didn’t need another weight on her mind.

  Especially not as screams came from outside, followed by the dull thump of an explosion. Squid Tower's fire alarm went off.

  As Marvin proved, fire is one of the few ways a vampire’s eternal existence could be terminated. Consequently, vampires are terrified of fire. The lovely fireplace in the first-floor community room had never been, and will never be, used.

  Squid Tower was equipped with a smoke-triggered sprinkler system, so the fire was most likely extinguished in whichever unit set off the alarm. But that didn’t stop nearly the entire population of the building from scurrying downstairs and flooding from the exits into the parking lot and meticulously groomed grounds.

  Word quickly spread that the fire had been in only one condo, and it had not been caused by something mundane such as lint in a dryer duct.

  Since it was night when everyone was up, more than one resident reported seeing a giant flying creature approach the building from the ocean, hover opposite the fourth floor, and belch a stream of fire into the balcony of Bill Meany. Bill was not on his balcony. He was in his den watching a commando movie, but the flames melted the sliding glass door to the balcony, which exploded, and then the fire poured into his living room, turning his couch into charcoal.

  “See, it’s the same thing that happened to Marvin,” an obviously unscathed Bill said to anyone who would listen. “The Reptilians know we’re on to them and want to silence us.”

  If a dragon had killed Marvin, why were the burns so surgically exact? Missy wondered. Bill’s balcony next door, though, had been completely charred. Perhaps, the difference in the flames’ radius was intentional on the dragon’s part. Missy wasn’t so sure.

  “We need to kick some Reptilian butt before they burn down all of Squid Tower!” Bill called to the crowd milling by the shuffleboard courts

  The Jellyfish Beach Fire Department had arrived, and the residents stood as far away as possible, worried about how pale and lifeless their faces would look in the strobe lights of the fire engines.

  “Who will take up arms and join Sol, Oleg, and me in fighting the invaders?”

  The crowd now was trying to stay as far away from Bill as possible, flowing into the pickleball courts.

  “Wait one minute,” Agnes said sternly. She strode toward Bill, surprisingly formidable on her little legs and quad-cane. Henrietta, her top aide, followed in her mobility scooter. Something about vampires in mobility scooters truly frightened Missy.

  Behind Henrietta walked Maria, an inexperienced vampire in her twenties, whom Agnes had taken in. The young woman had been adrift and homeless until Agnes stepped in as a grandmotherly figure. Maria had also wanted to kill Missy, which made for awkward social moments like this.

  “You will not escalate things with the dragons,” Agnes warned Bill.

  “Reptilians.”

  “Call them whatever you want, but they are dragons, a species with a long history of enmity with humanoids. Their king is being pushed by his council to engage in total war against us and humans. He is trying to talk them into peace. We do not need you to make matters worse.”

  “They tried to kill me tonight,” Bill said. “They could have burned down the entire building.”

  “But they didn’t,” Agnes said.

  “You killed a dragon last night,” Missy said. “You started this.”

  “The dragon who killed Marvin started it.”

  “Marvin shot him with no provocation.”

  “Stop the hostilities or you will be punished by the Board,” Agnes said.

  Henrietta drove her scooter right up to Bill, almost running over his toes.

  “I’m not going to be intimidated by your thug,” Bill said.

  The folks in any retirement community can be cranky and quarrelsome at times. In one populated by vampires, bad tempers were even more common. Being trapped in a seventy-year-old body for hundreds of years could turn anyone mean.

  Schwartz wandered onto the pickleball courts wearing tennis shorts and carrying a racquet bag.

  “Hey, I got a match scheduled in five minutes. Everyone, get off the court.”

  “You don’t care that our building almost burned down?” Bill asked.

  “I do care, and I blame you. You and your moron militia.”

  “Easy for you to say, since you depend on brave men like us to defend you.”

  “Ha! What a joke! I heard you’re the reason the dragon came here and torched your place.”

  “They killed Marvin.”

  “It would be very convenient for us to believe that, wouldn’t it?” Schwartz taunted.

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “Everyone knows you and Marvin didn’t get along.”

  “Are you implying I killed him?” Bill asked with exaggerated outrage.

  “It was easy for you to see when he was on the balcony. Then, all you had to do was sneak into his condo and lock the sliding glass door.”

  “Why are you taking the side of the dragons instead of your fellow vampires? I’m not talking to you anymore, dragon lover,” Bill said, walking away.

  “Can the rest of you fol
low him off the pickleball courts, please?” Schwartz asked.

  Agnes sighed. “We don’t need a war with the dragons when we have one amongst ourselves.”

  “That’s what the dragons want,” Bill said as he walked past her.

  “If we all need to fight the dragons, the only one who could unite and inspire us would be you, Agnes,” Henrietta said.

  “If that is true, then I’m the one who must prevent us from having to fight at all.”

  5

  The Parley

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Matt said, after he nearly choked on his coffee. “You’re going to parley with dragons?”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything,” Missy murmured.

  She looked around the outdoor cafe where they were having breakfast to make sure no one was eavesdropping. The place faced the beach and was where they met most often with their opposing night-day working hours.

  “Let’s get real,” Matt said. “I met Ronnie when you were nursing him to health. I know about dragons. And I’ve kept my knowledge secret ever since, just as I promised I would.”

  “I know, but—”

  “We have a sacred agreement between us,” Matt said.

  “It’s not exactly sacred. It’s—”

  “Sacred to me. I’ve agreed to help you investigate things. I do the shoe-leather reporting, the cold calls, the digging through archives, all the hard, tedious, thankless work. And I do it without getting stories out of it that would help my career. Because I care about you.”

  “And because I introduce you to aspects of the supernatural world that you would have no access to without me.”

  “Right. It’s a quid pro quo. And a very effective one, I should say.”

  “Yes. I guess so.”

  “So, I want to go with you to this parley,” Matt said.

  “Why?”

  “It’s a historic moment. Humans, vampires, and dragons reaching a peace agreement.”

  “Technically, it’s just between dragons and vampires,” Missy said. “Humans aren’t part of the war, yet. The only reason I’m there is I’m the go-between, since I’m friends with Ronnie.”

  “You said the dragons had declared war on all humanoids. It’s only a matter of time before mortal humans get caught up in it. And personally, I don’t believe any dragon is a match for an F-18 Hornet fighter jet.”

  “I’m not sure I agree, but let's hope it doesn't come to that.”

  “I should go with you as a bodyguard.”

  She smiled as she looked at his slim physique. He was in good shape, but not at all shaped like a bodyguard.

  “You can’t write a story about the meeting. Or take pictures or video.”

  “I know, I know. I promise.”

  “Okay,” she said before taking a last bite of her crepes.

  “When is it?”

  “Tonight. On the roof of the Jellyfish Beach Hotel. Meet me on the sidewalk out front at quarter to midnight.”

  The hotel was chosen as neutral ground. Agnes didn’t feel comfortable meeting in the Everglades, and Ronnie felt the same about Squid Tower. The hotel was the tallest building in town, not counting the other condo towers the humanoids wouldn't have access to. In a rooftop meeting, the dragons could fly in and out with ease and less chance of an ambush. The humanoids could escape to the stairwell, if necessary. It seemed to be the best choice for both parties.

  The door to the roof, at the top of the stairwell, was not locked in case guests had to be evacuated from the roof in a fire. Missy used her magick to disable the security cameras. So, she, Agnes, and Matt stood on the roof and waited, enjoying the moonlit view of the Atlantic Ocean in front of them and the glow of lights of Jellyfish Beach stretching to the west.

  Missy worried that the dragons flying in would be picked up on radar, until she figured they would probably come through a nearby gateway from the In Between.

  She was correct. Not far offshore, the air shimmered. And two dragons appeared, flying over the beach, and landing gracefully on the hotel roof. It was Ronnie and a brown dragon she didn’t recognize.

  "Thank you for coming," Agnes said.

  “Thank you, as well,” said Ronnie aloud, not telepathically.

  Ronnie introduced the other dragon as Godwin, a more dragon-like name than Ronnie, in Missy's opinion. She introduced Matt. And then they got down to business.

  “I have no interest in war,” Ronnie said. “The lords on my council are clamoring for it, though. They conveniently forget all the suffering of both our species when dragons and humanoids fought each other.”

  “The vampires who attacked your dragons do not represent my vampires,” Agnes said. “We are elderly and peaceful. We wish to spend eternity enjoying friendships and Bingo night. The males who attacked you are deluded old fools who have been brainwashed by conspiracy theories.”

  “I thought as much,” Ronnie said. “Though, I’ve seen enough humans to know they’re a violent species. I know less about vampires, but it seems they have the same minds as humans.”

  “And some of them have very small minds,” Missy said.

  “We are proposing you give us one of them.”

  “One what?” Agnes asked.

  “One of the vampires who killed our dragon,” Ronnie replied. “I will graciously forgive the wounds I experienced. But Dragon law follows the principle of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a tail for a tail. Our tails don’t regrow like other lizards, by the way.”

  Missy knew she shouldn’t be surprised about the demand, but she was. Agnes would never agree to it. Just like Ronnie’s dragons were demanding blood or else they would overthrow him, Agnes would be thrown out of her position as HOA president and community leader if she sacrificed one of her own.

  “Though your offer is tempting when it comes to a certain vampire, I cannot accept,” Agnes said. “Vampire justice doesn’t work that way.”

  “Don't you punish murderers?”

  “Yes, but we punish them ourselves. We don’t hand them over to another party.”

  “My dragons will not be satisfied until they see a guilty vampire killed. Those who watched through the gateway to the Everglades said one of the two vampires who attacked was deadlier. He wore a black beret.”

  Bill, Missy thought. No surprise.

  Agnes was silent while she considered her options. The truth was, Bill should be tried for murder. Or something. It’s kind of tricky punishing a deadly creature for killing things. Vampires kill humans all the time, though it’s strongly discouraged. And a vampire who does so too close to home can be punished severely because it endangers the entire vampire community.

  The same should apply to dragons. They’re not mere animals one can hunt in the wild. And if killing a dragon endangers the vampire community, then Bill and Sol should be punished, banned from the community or, even, staked.

  Missy knew that banning them would not satisfy the dragons.

  “We will put them on trial,” Agnes said. “If they are sentenced to be staked, you will be given proof of their executions.”

  “If they are sentenced?” Godwin asked angrily. “If?”

  A loud bang came from behind them as the door to the stairs opened. Missy turned to see Bill leaping out, dressed in black tactical gear and weighed down by too many weapons to count.

  “Why are you talking to these evil Reptilians?” he asked Agnes. “They'll fool you with mind control.”

  “How did you know we were here?” Agnes asked.

  “I followed you.” He tapped his head beneath his black beret. “I’m cleverer than you believe.”

  He aimed a semi-automatic rifle, held at his hip like an action-movie character, toward the dragons.

  “Go back to wherever you came from,” he said. “Go to the fires of Hell.”

  The dragons were already in the air when the first rounds sprayed from the weapon, missing them.

  “No!” Matt shouted as he dove and tackled Bill to the ground as more
rounds went off.

  Hovering twenty feet in the air, Godwin sent a torrent of fire toward the two men. They were partly protected by the roof of the stairwell, so Missy couldn't tell if they'd been hurt.

  The dragons streaked across the sky toward a shimmering spot near where they had first appeared.

  Matt and Bill groaned and grunted as they wrestled. A loud bang was followed by the hiss of a projectile streaking from beneath them, narrowly missing Agnes and Missy as it headed toward the gateway.

  The dragons disappeared. Then an explosion lit up the sky.

  “What in God's name are you doing with a rocket-propelled grenade?” Matt cried.

  Light applause arose from the beach below. It was hotel guests who believed a fireworks display had begun.

  “You idiot!” Agnes shouted at Bill. “Do you realize what you have done?”

  “I’ve struck a blow for freedom,” Bill said, squeezing out from beneath Matt.

  Before Missy could cast a spell to immobilize the militant vampire, he disappeared down the stairwell.

  Matt groaned and tried unsuccessfully to stand. Tendrils of smoke arose from the back of his pants and shirt.

  “I’ve been burned,” he said.

  “We’ve all been burned,” Agnes muttered under her breath.

  Missy went with Matt to the hospital. He had first-degree and small patches of second-degree burns. Ironically, tackling Bill shielded the vampire from the fire. Bill appeared to be fine when he sprinted down the stairs.

  Matt was lucky the roof of the stairwell had blocked the full blast of the dragon breath, and that it was a short blast. Dragons could melt steel with their fire.

  In addition to his burns, the backs of Matt’s clothes were mostly burned away. The entire seat of his pants was missing. Despite his bright-red burns, his naked butt was pretty cute, Missy thought.

  Agnes texted the news that Bill had not returned to his condo, which was still habitable despite the earlier fire damage. She didn’t expect him to return any time soon. Even with a brain turned to mush by conspiracy theories, he knew he was likely to face punishment by his community.