The Oxford Shakespeare: Henry IV, Part 2 (Oxford World's Classics)

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The Oxford Shakespeare: Henry IV, Part 2 (Oxford World's Classics) Page 7

by William Shakespeare


  he--Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then--'Neighbour

  Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil; for', sayeth he,

  'you are in an ill name.' Now he said so, I can tell whereupon.

  'For', says he, 'you are an honest woman, and well thought

  on; therefore take heed what guests you receive. Receive',

  says he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none

  here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I'll no

  swaggerers.

  FALSTAFF He's no swaggerer, hostess: a tame cheater he.

  You may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He will

  not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in

  any show of resistance.-- Call him up, drawer.

  [Exit First Drawer]

  HOSTESS QUICKLY 'Cheater', call you him? I will bar no honest

  man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering.

  I am the worse when one says 'swagger'. Feel, masters, how

  I shake. Look you, I warrant you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET So you do, hostess.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, if it were an aspen

  leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.

  Enter Pistol, and Bardolph and his Boy

  PISTOL Save you, Sir John!

  FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you

  with a cup of sack. Do you discharge upon mine hostess.

  PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

  FALSTAFF She is Pistol-proof, sir. You shall hardly offend her.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I will

  drink no more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

  PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy. I will charge you.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.

  What? You poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate!

  Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

  PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung,

  away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps,

  if you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale

  rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray

  you, sir? What, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

  PISTOL I will murder your ruff for this.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY No, Good Captain Pistol. Not here, sweet

  captain.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater,

  art thou not ashamed to be called captain? If captains were

  of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their

  names upon you before you have earned them. You a

  captain? You slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff

  in a bawdy-house? He a captain? Hang him, rogue! He lives

  upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain?

  These villains will make the word 'captain' odious: therefore

  captains had need look to it.

  BARDOLPH Pray thee go down, good ancient.

  To Pistol

  FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

  PISTOL Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could

  tear her. I'll be revenged on her.

  PAGE Pray thee go down.

  To Pistol

  PISTOL I'll see her damned first

  To Pluto's damned lake,

  To the infernal deep,

  With Erebus and tortures vile also.

  Hold hook and line, say I.

  Down, down, dogs! Down, Fates!

  Have we not Hiren here?

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Good Captain Peesel, be quiet. It is very late. I

  beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

  PISTOL These be good humours indeed. Shall pack-horses

  And hollow pampered jades of Asia,

  Which cannot go but thirty miles a day,

  Compare with Caesar and with cannibals,

  And Trojan Greeks?

  Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus,

  And let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?

  HOSTESS QUICKLY By my troth, captain, these are very bitter

  words.

  BARDOLPH Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl

  anon.

  PISTOL Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins!

  Have we not Hiren here?

  HOSTESS QUICKLY On my word, captain, there's none such here.

  What the goodyear, do you think I would deny her? I pray be

  quiet.

  PISTOL Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.

  Come, give me some sack.

  Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.

  Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.

  Give me some sack. And, sweetheart, lie thou there.

  Lays down his sword

  Come we to full points here? And are etceteras

  nothing?

  FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.

  PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen

  the seven stars!

  DOLL TEARSHEET Thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure such a

  fustian rascal.

  PISTOL 'Thrust him down stairs'? Know we not Galloway

  nags?

  FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat

  shilling. Nay, if he do nothing but speak nothing, he shall be

  nothing here.

  BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.

  PISTOL What? Shall we have incision? Shall we

  Snatches up his sword

  imbrue?

  Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days.

  Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds

  Untwined the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Here's good stuff toward.

  FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.

  DOLL TEARSHEET I prithee, Jack, I prithee do not draw.

  FALSTAFF Get you downstairs.

  Draws and attacks Pistol

  [Exit Pistol, driven out by Bardolph]

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping

  house, before I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I

  warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up

  your naked weapons.

  DOLL TEARSHEET I prithee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal is gone. Ah,

  you whoreson little valiant villain, you!

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Are you not hurt i'th'groin? Methought he

  made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

  [Enter Bardolph]

  FALSTAFF Have you turned him out of doors?

  To Bardolph

  BARDOLPH Yes, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,

  in the shoulder.

  FALSTAFF A rascal to brave me!

  DOLL TEARSHEET Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape,

  how thou sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you

  whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, I love thee. Thou art as valorous

  as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times

  better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

  FALSTAFF A rascally slave, I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Do, if thou dar'st for thy heart. If thou dost, I'll

  canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

  Enter Musicians

  PAGE The music is come, sir.

  FALSTAFF Let them play.--Play, sirs.--Sit on my knee, Doll. A

  rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like

  quicksilver.

  DOLL TEARSHEET And thou followed'st him like a church. Thou

  whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou

  leave fighting on days
and foining on nights, and begin to

  patch up thine old body for heaven?

  Enter the Prince and Poins, disguised

  FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death's-head,

  do not bid me remember mine end.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Sirrah, what humour is the prince of?

  FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow: he would have made a

  good pantler, he would have chipped bread well.

  DOLL TEARSHEET They say Poins hath a good wit.

  FALSTAFF He a good wit? Hang him, baboon! His wit is as thick

  as Tewkesbury mustard. There is no more conceit in him

  than is in a mallet.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Why doth the prince love him so, then?

  FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and he

  plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and

  drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild-mare

  with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears

  with a good grace, and wears his boot very smooth, like unto

  the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet

  stories, and such other gambol faculties he hath, that show a

  weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits

  him; for the prince himself is such another. The weight of an

  hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.

  PRINCE HENRY Would not this nave of a wheel have

  his ears cut off?

  Aside to Poins

  POINS Let us beat him before his whore.

  PRINCE HENRY Look, if the withered elder hath not his poll

  clawed like a parrot.

  POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years

  outlive performance?

  FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.

  She kisses him

  PRINCE HENRY Saturn and Venus this year in

  conjunction! What says the almanac to that?

  Aside to Poins

  POINS And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not

  lisping to his master's old tables, his notebook, his

  counsel-keeper.

  FALSTAFF Thou dost give me flatt'ring busses.

  To Doll

  DOLL TEARSHEET Nay truly, I kiss thee with a most constant

  heart.

  FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.

  DOLL TEARSHEET I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young

  boy of them all.

  FALSTAFF What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of? I shall receive

  money on Thursday. Thou shalt have a cap tomorrow. A

  merry song, come. It grows late. We will to bed. Thou wilt

  forget me when I am gone.

  DOLL TEARSHEET Thou wilt set me a-weeping, if thou say'st so.

  Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. Well,

  hearken the end.

  FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis.

  PRINCE HENRY and POINS Anon, anon, sir.

  Stepping forward

  FALSTAFF Ha? A bastard son of the king's?-- And art not thou

  Poins his brother?

  PRINCE HENRY Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life

  dost thou lead!

  FALSTAFF A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a

  drawer.

  PRINCE HENRY Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the

  ears.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY O, the lord preserve thy good grace! Welcome

  to London. Now, heaven bless that sweet face of thine! What,

  are you come from Wales?

  FALSTAFF Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this

  light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

  DOLL TEARSHEET How? You fat fool, I scorn you.

  POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and

  turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

  PRINCE HENRY You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did

  you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil

  gentlewoman!

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Blessing on your good heart, and so she is, by

  my troth.

  FALSTAFF Didst thou hear me?

  To Prince Henry

  PRINCE HENRY Yes, and you knew me, as you did when you ran

  away by Gad's Hill: you knew I was at your back, and spoke

  it on purpose to try my patience.

  FALSTAFF No, no, no, not so. I did not think thou wast within

  hearing.

  PRINCE HENRY I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse,

  and then I know how to handle you.

  FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, on mine honour, no abuse.

  PRINCE HENRY Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and

  bread-chopper and I know not what?

  FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.

  POINS No abuse?

  FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, in the world, honest Ned, none. I

  dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not

  fall in love with him--in which doing, I have done the part of

  a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give

  me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.-- None, Ned, none.-- No,

  boys, none.

  PRINCE HENRY See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice

  doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to

  close with us? Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of

  the wicked? Or is the boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph,

  whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?

  POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

  FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable,

  and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth

  nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good

  angel about him, but the devil outbids him too.

  PRINCE HENRY For the women?

  FALSTAFF For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns

  poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and whether she

  be damned for that, I know not.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY No, I warrant you.

  FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit for

  that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for

  suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law,

  for the which I think thou wilt howl.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY All victuallers do so. What is a joint of mutton

  or two in a whole Lent?

  PRINCE HENRY You, gentlewoman--

  To Doll

  DOLL TEARSHEET What says your grace?

  FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh

  rebels against.

  Knocking within

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door

  there, Francis.

  Enter Peto

  PRINCE HENRY Peto, how now? What news?

  PETO The king your father is at Westminster,

  And there are twenty weak and wearied posts

  Come from the north, and as I came along,

  I met and overtook a dozen captains,

  Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,

  And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

  PRINCE HENRY By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,

  So idly to profane 332 profane i.e. misuse the precious time,

  When tempest of commotion, like the south

  Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt

  And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.--

  Give me my sword and cloak.-- Falstaff, goodnight.

  Exeunt [Prince Henry, Poins and Peto]

  FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and

  we must hence and leave it unpicked. More knocking at the

  door? How now? What's the matter?

>   Knocking within

  Bardolph goes to the door

  BARDOLPH You must away to court, sir, presently.

  A dozen captains stay at door for you.

  FALSTAFF Pay the musicians, sirrah.-- Farewell,

  To the Page

  hostess.-- Farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how

  men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep,

  when the man of action is called on. Farewell good wenches.

  If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.

  DOLL TEARSHEET I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to

  burst--well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

  FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell.

  Exeunt [Falstaff, Bardolph and Page]

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these

  twenty-nine years, come peascod-time, but an honester and

  truer-hearted man--well, fare thee well.

  BARDOLPH Mistress Tearsheet!

  Within

  HOSTESS QUICKLY What's the matter?

  BARDOLPH Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

  Within

  HOSTESS QUICKLY O, run, Doll, run. Run, good Doll!

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 1

  running scene 8

  Location: the royal court

  Enter the King, with a Page

  KING HENRY IV Go call the Earls of Surrey and of

  Warwick.

  Gives letters

  But ere they come, bid them o'er-read these letters,

  And well consider of them. Make good speed.

  Exit [Page]

  How many thousand of my poorest subjects

  Are at this hour asleep? O sleep, O gentle sleep,

  Nature's soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,

  That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down

  And steep my senses in forgetfulness?

  Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs,

  Upon uneasy pallets stretching thee

  And hushed with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber,

  Than in the perfumed chambers of the great,

  Under the canopies of costly state,

  And lulled with sounds of sweetest melody?

  O thou dull god, why liest thou with the vile

  In loathsome beds, and leav'st the kingly couch

  A watch-case or a common 'larum-bell?

  Wilt thou upon the high and giddy mast

  Seal up the ship-boy's eyes, and rock his brains

  In cradle of the rude imperious surge

  And in the visitation of the winds,

  Who take the ruffian billows by the top,

  Curling their monstrous heads and hanging them

  With deaf'ning clamours in the slipp'ry clouds,

  That, with the hurly, death itself awakes?

  Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose

  To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude,

  And in the calmest and most stillest night,

 

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