Love Finds Its Pocket

by Mary Scarpelli

  She had managed to keep a cool head around Kat, not wanting to burden her with her frustrations and fears and now felt almost guilty that the HR director had become the recipient of every fearful emotion over which she was powerless to control.

  “Take a deep breath crazy-girl; you need to stay strong for your partner and you won’t be able to if you make yourself sick over this. There’s wisdom in knowing when to fight and when to calm the hell down and realize that you can get what you need if you’re just willing to work within the system. You’ll just have to trust me on this. Responding with a defensive and angry tone is not going to change the status quo; you hear me?” Elena didn’t want to be so harsh with Toni but knew her so well that a swift kick was exactly what was required to force a change in course and implement evasive maneuvers.

  “No, hey, I hear you. You’re making perfect sense and I hope your message sinks in really soon because I’m about to go ape-shit on someone; I mean, some guy bumped into my shoulder this morning as he was getting off of the train – I could tell it wasn’t one of those angry bastards who’s looking for someone to take out their rage on, this was a gentle, there’s-too-many-people-in-this-car kind of bump but I was ready to smash his head into the pole.

  “I’m feeling out of control and angry and scared out of my mind and I don’t know what to do. My best friend, the one I would turn to in a time like this is the one going through hell so I can’t very well have this conversation with her. I think my family is getting tired of listening to me whine about how unfair life is because everyone’s on their own pins and needles knowing that this insidious disease is arbitrary and that any one of us could be its next target.”

  “Hold up, Toni. I’m going to say this one last time and I really want you to pay very close attention, okay? Good.

  “My mother had Stage Three breast cancer; she was fifty-nine at the time. Do you know what that means?” Elena asked. When Toni shook her head in the negative, she proceeded to elucidate her point.

  “It means that she was given only a 70% chance at survival. There was significant lymph node involvement throughout her body so of course we were frightened out of our minds. We worried that there would be a distant metastasis and of a more immediate concern, how was she going to get through the ravages of chemotherapy because for her, refusing it would have been a certain death sentence. This was right before you started working for me so you never had to watch me working through my tears, barely able to make the day.

  “I was angry – so angry that it happened to my mother. What did she ever do to anyone, I would demand to know – of no one really, just direct my face toward the heavens and scream out in pain that my mother didn’t deserve to be going through this hell. She was putting herself through the nightmare of treatment, the Cadillac of chemo we were told, without a guarantee that when she finished, and her body regained its strength and her hair was finally starting to grow back, the cancer wouldn’t return with a vengeance and steal away not only our joy that she had made it through as a survivor but also take away from us our mother – our strong, loving mother. Being powerless is the worst feeling ever.

  “You know what, Toni? You know what got us through the bad times?” Elena asked almost patiently awaiting an answer although her question was purely rhetorical.

  Toni just assumed that she was going to point to their conviction and belief in a higher power or convey some trite adage about letting go, letting god, or some such schlock but was pleasantly surprised to hear something quite different.

  “It was my mother, Toni. My mother was the one who got us all through it. We were the basket cases and although she was the one going through hell, had strength enough for every single one of us. It’s not like I didn’t have children at the time; Marcel and Tamika were eight and six so I knew all about the power of a mother’s love, but my mother’s strength exceeded the limit. She cast her shield of protection and love big enough to cover us all.

  “Needless to say, we were amazed and humbled by the experience and not to mention feeling a little guilty that the one who needed every ounce of her reserve to make it through another day was the one expending her limited energy to comfort us!

  “But when I think back, I think that in having to take care of us, looking at all of our sad, sorry, scared faces, knowing that we all depended on her so much, made her even stronger than she ever had been and she was already an incredible woman – a force to be reckoned with. I never forgot that lesson, nine years long and still going strong. Do you see where I’m going with this parable, Toni?” Elena was practically on the edge of her chair.

  “Yeah, sure – um, maybe. Well, no, not really.” Toni didn’t want to get it wrong so elected to take the safest path possible and let Elena educate her on the finer points of the human condition.

  “No worries – sometimes, Toni...” Elena chuckled as she too, like Kat, had found Toni’s bouts of air-headedness and utter density to be wholly endearing.

  “It’s like this, Toni. I know you’re not a very religious person – no, no let me finish. You believe but you also think that people need to rely on themselves rather than give it up to a higher power, right? Right; thought so. But you know what? Sometimes things happen for a reason and you might not know what that reason is right away; it might take time to unravel but if you’re patient enough, you’ll discover what it is. In our case it was to learn a valuable lesson about love and family and sticking together – we’re closer now than we’ve ever been, and I’m not sure we would have had that opportunity to grow if it hadn’t been for my mother’s cancer.” Elena stopped because she was interrupted.

  “Oh, whoa, whoa, hold up a minute. Are you telling me that god gave your mother cancer so that she could demonstrate to the rest of you how to love unconditionally? Really? Do you think she would have signed on for it knowing the shit she would have had to go through to teach that lesson? I might have just walked away and told god that my family could fend for themselves, that there must be a less destructive way in which to shake them out of their complacency. Geeze...” Toni was exasperated.

  She never wanted to have religious conversations with workmates, only did so reluctantly with Elena because they had grown close over the years, but could not abide the connection and rationale being provided. The reality of a preordained fate was too harsh and if that were the case, there was no way she could be able to buy into that doctrine.

  “No, Toni. I’m not saying that. Sometimes bad things just happen; they just do. It’s up to us to decide how we’re going to react to it. We can get angry and lash out at those who would seek to help us or we can rise above it and become a better person and in doing so, touch the people around us so they can become better people and so on. It’s the decision aspect that I’m referring to as having a divine component.

  “When we’re at a crossroads, what is it that helps us ultimately decide which path to take? Sometimes, requesting spiritual guidance not only keeps us humble but also gives us a morality boost that people might lack if left to their own devices. In your case, I suggest that you let go of your anger; even though you probably don’t pray, you can at least meditate on it see where it leads you.

  “Keep an open mind; even you have said that you don’t really know what the truth of life is, none of us will really know until we’re too dead to share that information with the living but at least if you open your mind to it, if something is out there, it’ll be able to get through to you. It can’t hurt Toni, because right now, you could use some help. You’re a mess.” Elena grew exhausted with the weight of the conversation but oddly enough thought she might have gotten through to a very stubborn and fearful Toni.

  “No, hey, I understand what you’re saying. Thanks, Elena. You’re a good friend.” Toni managed to squeak-out a tight smile.

  “I probably shouldn’t be bringing this up right now, but when you get back, I want to discuss with you the possibility of opening our own consulting firm. You and me and some hired gun
s, creating software solutions for the financial services industry. We can sub-contract programmers as we need them but the company will be ours, fifty/fifty.

  “While you’re tending to your healing partner, while she’s asleep and you need something to take your mind off of the pain that she’s in, you give my proposal some thought and we can design a business model when you get back.” Elena already saw Toni’s smile so went for broke and added, “We can be partners too!”

  “Well, that’s the best offer I’ve had in years!

  “I want you to know that I’m willing to log in remotely during that two-week period. You’re right - Kat will most likely be asleep most of the time and I’ll need something other than cancer to occupy my mind so if you can let that dumb ass Barbie doll in HR know that you’ve approved my remote access then we’ll be golden.

  “And I’ll put some serious thought to your proposal because I’m totally sick of working under the rigid thumb of a limited mentality corporation. If my life weren’t so tragic right now, I’d probably be super excited.” Toni got up to leave, feeling much lighter than when she first took a seat although for the life of her, she didn’t know why.

  “Hey, Elena?” Toni turned around before leaving.

  “Thanks.”

  “For what?”

  “For everything. I really love you.” Toni said then left the room.

  ******

  Toni’s thoughts kept retreating to how this possibly could have happened to Kat: macrobiotic, organic, locavore, low-body fat, smoke-free, yoga-loving, low stress Kat who had absolutely no family history to speak of. It was baffling and when Toni would think too long about it, she would become enraged by the unfairness of it all. She wondered what, if anything at all, could have been done to prevent that mass from forming. And Kat was far too young; everything that Toni read on the subject was that younger, pre-menopausal women had a higher probability of recurrence with the virility of the mass typically being of a faster growing, more robust nature as the amount of estrogen coursing through a younger woman’s body was a hormone that worked against her as a silent, deadly weapon. She made a note to ask Kat’s oncologist about the possibility of removing her ovaries as a preemptive strike against the continued production of estrogen, thereby improving Kat’s odds for remaining cancer-free, saving her from having to deal with a recurrence, ovarian cancer or god-forbid a life-threatening metastasis to a vital organ.

  “I’m not sure we’ll be able to make sense of this Toni; that’s why I don’t want to discuss it or dwell on it.” Kat was calmer than she had been but was still operating as if existing on an alternate plane; her oomph was missing, having vacated the premises for sunnier pastures.

  “Well, okay. I respect your decision to remain in your quiet place, but here’s the thing,” Toni said, hoping Kat might change her mind and agree to discuss the diagnosis and how it was going to impact her life, most likely becoming a life changer for which she might benefit from pre-planning.

  “No, no Toni. There are no ‘things’. And for whatever it’s worth, please don’t treat me like one of your work projects – I don’t want to be ‘managed’”, Kat said making air quotes with her index and middle fingers.

  “I haven’t yet been able to wrap my own head around this. My thoughts aren’t clear and I’m barely able to construct a cogent thought let alone absorb your anxiety and mollify your angst. But feel free to just hold me – silently, so I can feel your love wash over me. That’s what I really need right now.” Kat was almost pleading.

  “Um, okay, I guess I can hold you without talking,” Toni said with a tone of someone whose heart had just been mashed to a pulp.

  Kat just looked at her in amazement, yet understood that her little muffin would not be able to let it go until she had a chance to get off of her chest whatever was mentally gluing her in place. Kat grabbed hold of Toni’s arms, shaking her slowly, lovingly, and told her to go ahead and speak but to please make her point as quickly and concisely as possible, lest she expire right there in her arms.

  “I’ve been doing some research on this breast cancer thing – so many medical websites are dedicated to it, you know? So many message boards are out there containing all manner of useful information. Ironic that something so destructive could have brought about such a positive reaction from people but breast cancer seems to have brought women together to fight the good...,” Toni stopped short when she saw the incredulous look in Kat’s eyes.

  “Sorry about digressing; I think I’m just nervous. I’ll get right to it, then.

  “I understand that you won’t start seeing an oncologist until after the first surgery but I’d like to discuss your treatment options before then because everything I’ve read says that having too many hormones raging through your system – namely estrogen, will work against your body’s ability to remain cancer-free so unless you’re going to have your ovaries removed, which your doctors might dissuade you from doing since you are too young and they won’t want to steal away from you your final chance at having children...”

  Toni was once again stopped dead by Kat’s reaction but this time it wasn’t from an oblique stare, but rather Kat’s full-throttle laughter and the strength of the hand with which she was now gripping Toni’s arm. Toni was more than confused; she hadn’t seen Kat smile or laugh over the better part of two weeks and since she hadn’t said anything even remotely funny, didn’t understand what could have precipitated such a hearty guffaw.

  “Oh Toni, Toni...” Kat paused but before continuing, picked Toni up and placed her straddle-style on her lap so that they were facing each other, faces mere inches apart.

  Kat lit a joint, took several large lungfuls and then blew an extensive shotgun into Toni’s welcoming mouth. The overwhelming fear and trepidation that Kat had been harboring ever since receiving that utterly disorienting diagnosis had lessened considerably in the aftermath of her belly laugh – so cathartic, she thought. She kissed Toni for the first time in two weeks then proceeded to enlightened her on a Kat-fact of which she currently was not in possession.

  “I understand your concern about my treatment options and I’m touched that you’ve been so diligently, tirelessly researching that topic for me – I know how scared you are and gathering all of that information seems to have helped stabilize you so that you can calm down and emotionally be there for me, but it’s only fair that I let you know something about me so that any future research you conduct can be more focused – have more value. The ‘something’ about me that you need to know is,” Kat said, but could not continue before breaking eye contact with Toni.

  “You’re really a man?” Toni said, which prompted them both to laugh with abandon.

  “I love you, Toni Mangiarmi,” Kat said, holding Toni tightly and feeling, for the first time since commencing her death-watch countdown, a flood of positive, loving emotions. Finally!, she thought and then proceeded with her confession, lest she persuade herself, yet again, to avoid speaking the truth in lieu of requesting a long overdue thrashing.

  “Remember when we first started hanging out, you thought I was so together, so composed and self-actualized? You simply attributed it me being, as you put it, ‘well-bred’, like I was some fucking race horse or show dog or something, but anyway, it had nothing whatsoever to do with any of that but rather it was borne of the collection of experiences I had accumulated over time, the wealth of which rewarded me with a calm center and solid maturity that drew you to me and made you find me so compelling.” Kat looked at her again and seeing that Toni would need to have this spelled-out for her, decided to take in a deep breath, and continue.

  “I’m more than a few years older than you, Toni.” Kat was interrupted by Toni’s rather pig-headed insistence of what she knew to be the truth.

  “But I’ve seen your driver’s license which lists your date of birth as August thirteenth, nineteen sixty nine.” Toni was confused. Being thrown for a loop wouldn’t necessarily have caused her to be so dense but the p
ast few weeks being so emotionally tumultuous coupled with a head clouded by the nascent effects of some fairly potent weed, had robbed her of her sharper edge.

  “No, my love. I keep two sets of records, if you will. My real, official year of birth is nineteen sixty one.” Kat stopped speaking to allow Toni time to finish the calculation, gauge her reaction to the result and determine whether it would be safe to continue or if she should just pack a bag and leave. She instantly regretted her decision to speak her truth before requesting that Toni pound her senseless, but she’d held that secret far too long and although it was being disclosed under a circumstance that could easily be construed as duress it had to be done, so it was better to just get it over with and suffer the consequences later.

  “Wow, you’re forty-fucking-eight? Holy shit!”

  “Until August, I am. So..., Comments?”

  Toni mentally left the room and temporarily retreated into her ‘zone of the void’, then absently added, “I should have figured out the math, ‘cause your age never did make sense to me,” lost as Toni was in attempting to conduct calculations without the assistance of a mechanical aid but, thankfully for a soft jab from Kat, she returned from her cloud rather quickly.

  “At least I wasn’t born on April Fool’s Day, my love.” Kat teased.

  “Yeah, my birth date may be a joke but I’m still only thirty-six. No worries, though; you look damn good for a senior citizen – just sayin’.

  “Hey, wait a minute; so then you faked it during your entire fortieth birthday party? Huh.

  “We’ve known each other like forever and still you didn’t trust me enough to just tell me the truth? Geeze, Kat.”

  And then the light went on, “Oooh! That means you’re closer to being peri-menopausal? That’s great news because the estrogen being produced by your ovaries should be slowing down, which means you’re not in as much deep shit as you otherwise would be if you were eight years younger. Sweet.” Toni kissed her several times in quick succession but then stopped dead. Kat was already steps ahead, waiting for Toni’s second light to start shining.