Switching Witches

by Robyn Peterman

  Waving his hand, Fabio magically duct taped Roy’s mouth shut. Amazingly Roy did nothing in retaliation. The two warlocks usually liked to best each other with violent results, but Roy knew he was in the doghouse at the moment. The protection of my children was one of the things Roy took very seriously. Along with Sassy and Marge, my babies were his world. He’d promised the Goddess he would always keep them safe until his last breath.

  I believed that. However, I was doing a fine job of enhancing my children’s potty vocabulary on my own. I didn’t need any help from Roy Bermangoggleshitz.

  “Not only will my grandchildren be protected by Marge, Roy, Carol and me—all the Shifters in Assjacket have volunteered to have play dates here at the house,” Fabio said, pulling a sleepy Audrey onto his lap.

  My babies should be exhausted considering they made each and every one of their stuffed animals fly around their room all night. They had a lot of stuffed animals, thanks to my dad and Baba Yaga. Even though keeping my eyes open was kind of difficult, last night had been perfect in every way. We all rode on Mac’s wolf and then we watched Monsters Inc. twice—or Monster Inky as Henry called it. Audrey had plans to marry Mike Wazowski when she grew up. Henry’s first crush was Elastigirl. Interesting choices, but my little ones were very interesting people.

  “Some noodles need a nap,” I said with a grin as Henry laid his head on top of his syrupy pancakes. “And possibly a bath…”

  “Ohhhhh, can I give them their bath?” Sassy asked with her hands clasped together.

  “I’ll help,” Jeeves volunteered quickly with a loving smile to Sassy. “That way we won’t flood the house.”

  “That is so hot and sweet and hot,” Sassy told Jeeves as she slapped him on the bottom. “Our chipmunks like to bathe in the pond, so I don’t get to do bath time at our house. And considering the gnarly little bastards are old enough to be my grandfathers, that would be all kinds of weird. I’ve told them to tell people that they’re twelve so no one thinks I’m old.”

  “Umm… okay,” I said, squinting at my BFF and her kangaroo Shifter mate—who was also Mac’s adopted son, making me Sassy’s mother-in-law. Terrifying but true. She was forbidden to call me Mom. She’d tried once and it didn’t end well for her. Suffice it to say she likes being a woman more than a man. “Just make sure that Audrey doesn’t conjure up a hurricane and Henry doesn’t add an octopus to the tub. Bath time yesterday was a shitshow.”

  “Shitshow,” Audrey agreed.

  “Do I need to duct tape your mouth too?” Fabio inquired with a grin.

  I looked up at the ceiling and groaned. “Probably.”

  “No octopus and no hurricanes! Buuut, did you know that octopuses have three hearts and blue blood—not because they’re rich or anything. It’s just blue. Kinda gross if you ask me,” Sassy told a fascinated Henry and Audrey as she and Jeeves scooped up the twins and headed out of the kitchen. “And those slimy swimmers also have nine freakin’ brains! My guess is that they can totally speak Canadian.”

  “Is that true?” Mac asked, confused.

  “That octopuses speak Canadian?” I asked with a laugh.

  Mac grinned and shook his head. “Umm… no. The rest of it.”

  “I’d hazard a guess that the answer is yes. Sassy is obsessed with Animal Planet.”

  “We’ll go get story time ready,” Marge said as she took Roy’s hand and led him out of the kitchen. “We’ll also monitor bath time.”

  “Thank you,” I said, relieved. Sassy meant well, but tended to get over excited and blow shit up. My living room furniture was proof.

  Fabio held out his hand to me and smiled. “Zelda, come take a walk with me.”

  “Why? Am I in trouble?” I asked, eyeing him warily.

  “Did you do anything bad?” he inquired.

  “Define bad,” I shot back.

  My dad shook his head and chuckled. “Come on.”

  “Go,” Baba Yaga said, shooing us out of the kitchen. “Mac and I will clean up.”

  I glanced over my shoulder at a terrified Mac. Being alone with Baba Yaga could do that to a person—even an alpha werewolf. I loved her, but she was still a scary motherhumper.

  “You be nice to Mac,” I told her as my dad pushed me out the front door.

  “Define nice,” she replied with an evil little giggle.

  “Oh shit,” was the last thing I heard Mac say before Fabio shoved me out of the house.

  “Where are we going?” I asked my dad as I followed him down the stairs of the front porch.

  “To town,” he replied.

  “Why?”

  “I want to show you something.”

  And with a snap of his fingers, we poofed to town.

  Chapter Six

  Our town, if you could call it that, consisted of Main Street. The town square was dominated by a cement statue of a bear missing one side of its head. The rest of the block included a barbershop, hardware store, gas station, diner, a few other rundown buildings, and a mom and pop grocery store.

  It was a total dump and that suited the Shifters of Assjacket just fine. Humans drove right through the dilapidated town without a backward glance. Inside the ramshackle structures, everything was pure enchantment. Everything from the Assjacket Diner to my idiot therapist Roger the rabbit’s office was charming and lovely behind the broken down exteriors. The town was a massive sleight of hand, so to speak. It was a testament to the brilliance of my friends since the Shifters and witches lived very public yet secret lives.

  “Soooo,” Fabio said, bouncing on his feet in excitement. “I bought a building in town.”

  “Define bought,” I said, narrowing my eyes at my dad.

  “Not following,” he replied in a vague tone, not making eye contact.

  Trying not to grin, I groaned instead. “Did you pay actual money for this building?”

  “Basically.”

  “That’s a non-answer,” I told him. “Did you procure this building?”

  Fabio became quite fascinated with the half-headed cement bear. “If you’re implying that I stole it, I didn’t.”

  “Okay, that’s a good start,” I said, wondering where everyone was. It was a lovely day and no one was out. “Did you sucker someone?”

  “You’re getting warmer.”

  “Would a poker game happen to have been involved?” I pressed.

  “Very hot,” he replied sheepishly.

  I shook my head and sighed. “Dad, did you cheat in the game?”

  “Burning hot,” he admitted.

  A leopard couldn’t change his spots and a warlock couldn’t change… much. I knew Fabio was trying really hard. I also knew that millions of his questionably gained funds went to charity. My dad was a very good kind of bad-ish dude.

  “Who used to own this building?”

  “Bob the beaver,” Fabio said. “Word around town was that he had plans to turn it into a large dam.”

  “For real?” I asked, surprised. Bob was an odd one. He had a unibrow that should be illegal and had a habit of eating berries that gave him gas, but building a massive dam on Main Street? That could be a freakin’ mess if it broke.

  “Absolutely,” Fabio said, clearly relieved to be telling the truth if his direct eye contact was anything to go by. “And Bob was happy to get rid of it—lots of plumbing problems—hence his idea to turn it into a dam. Roger the rabbit was horrified as his place of business is right next door. He was my second in the game.”

  “My therapist cheated at cards?” I demanded, tucking that little nugget away for blackmail purposes if the rabbit tried to get me to use interpretive dance to express my feelings ever again.

  “Umm… no?” Fabio whispered, realizing he’d outed the nose twitcher. “But if it would please you, I would be happy to pay actual money to Bob.”

  “It would,” I told him with a smile. “And you’ll feel better too.”

  “Umm… I wasn’t actually feeling bad, but making you happy makes me happy, and that’
s why I bought the building.”

  “Okay, thank you. But I don’t really need a building, dad. I have an office to heal the clumsy ass Shifters on my own property.”

  “This is true,” Fabio said, smiling. “However, Assjacket is missing something very important.”

  “It is?”

  “It is,” he confirmed, leading me over to a crumbling bench and seating me.

  He was nervous. Now I was itchy. My dad’s ideas could result in prison time. We’d just found each other. I didn’t want him to end up in the pokey.

  “Zelda,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and pacing in circles. “I wasn’t there for you as a child. I missed so much that we can never get back. I know we have the future, but I live with so much regret and guilt. It sickens me when I think about that woman raising you.”

  “Fabdudio, you didn’t know about me,” I told him, pulling him down on the bench next to me. He was making me dizzy with the pacing. “I’m not mad or upset or anything. I love you and I’m just fucking delighted that we’re together now. And my past is just that—past. It doesn’t define me. I’m proud to be a somewhat materialistic, Shifter healing, profane mother.”

  “You’re a wonderful mother,” he said with pride.

  “They’re toddlers,” I reminded him. “That remains to be seen.”

  “You love them?” my dad questioned.

  “Yep. I would die for them.”

  “As I would for you,” he said and then smiled sadly. “I didn’t get to go on field trips with you or any Father-Daughter dances. We didn’t have magic class with each other like a father and daughter should. I didn’t get to teach you how to play blackjack or take you to dance lessons. And I know I can’t make up for lost time, so…”

  “So you bought me a building instead?” I asked, a little confused.

  Fabio nodded and grinned. “Follow me.”

  The front of the building looked just like every other façade in Assjacket—awful. However, the inside? The inside made me cry.

  “It’s for you and Henry and Audrey and all the children of Assjacket,” Fabio whispered as he gently wiped the tears from my eyes.

  It was a school. A lovely school with state-of-the-art technology. I wasn’t about to ask how he’d amassed so many machines. It wasn’t the right time. It was filled with books and games and little desks. It was warm and inviting and perfect.

  And I now knew where everyone had been hiding. Wanda the raccoon was here with her son Bo and her mate Kurt. DeeDee, the deer who owned the Assjacket Diner with Wanda was grinning broadly and waving. My buddy Simon the skunk was playing with the small instruments and having a ball. Bob the beaver was straightening up the small library and nodding with satisfaction. Roger, my rabbit therapist, was leading a line of little ones around to check out all the computers and games. And at the front of the line of children were a spiffily cleaned up and giggling Henry and Audrey.

  In fact, all my peeps were here. Mac, Baba Yaga, Marge, Roy, Sassy and Jeeves. Clearly, I was the only one who didn’t know about the surprise. They had to have left right after Fabio and I did… very sneaky. But that was just fine with me. I adored surprises—especially ones like this.

  Fabio clapped his hands and got everyone’s attention. “Welcome to the Assjacket School, my friends. You are standing in the Zelda Building—named after my beautiful daughter. As time goes on, and we need to expand, we shall.”

  “I have two more buildings I don’t want,” Bob announced with his unibrow waggling. “I’d be up for a round or two of blackjack.”

  “I’ll take that under consideration,” Fabio said with a grin. “However, to celebrate the grand opening we are going to have a Father-Daughter Dance.”

  “Now?” I asked with a giggle.

  “Now,” Fabio said.

  Simon pulled out his guitar and a few of his skunk buddies joined him on drums and a keyboard. Baba Yaga snapped her fingers and a motorized mirror ball appeared on the ceiling—straight out of the eighties. It was all kinds of cheesy and all kinds of great.

  As the music started Fabio bowed to me. “May I have this dance, daughter?”

  I almost couldn’t speak it was so sweet, but he was expecting an answer. “Yes, you may, father,” I told him as I placed my hand in his.

  Fabio was a great dancer. Me? Not at all, but it didn’t matter. My dad held me in his arms and whirled me around the beautiful school that he’d named for me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Roy lead Sassy out for a dance. She was crying and I was pretty sure Roy was too. On the flip side of that Mac and Audrey were all smiles. Mac held our daughter in his arms and swayed to the music. And just so Henry wouldn’t feel left out, Baba Yaga flew him to the dance area and cut the rug with my little dude.

  It was so beautifully overwhelming I almost couldn’t breathe.

  “Thank you, dad.”

  “You’re welcome, Zelda,” he whispered and kissed the top of my head.

  We couldn’t make up for the lost years, but this might just be the medicine to heal all the old wounds.

  Chapter Seven

  “Are weese dere yet?” Fat Bastard asked for the fiftieth time in the last hour.

  At least this time, he’d raised his head out from between his legs to speak. The last four inquiries had been punctuated with slurps.

  We really should have just poofed to Lexington, Kentucky, but Baba Yaga had insisted we drive like normal humans. So Mac, Sassy, Jeeves, my cats, and I were all packed into the car. It was awesome… not. As far as I was concerned, normal was seriously overrated. My crotch goblins were driving everyone nuts.

  “You fond of your nads?” I asked Fat Bastard.

  “Youse knows I am, dollface,” he said making a little kitty thumbs up with his furry paw.

  Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett were mine for better or worse—most of the time it was worse. They were rotund, fur covered, smack-talking buttholes. They were also my familiars. Yessssssss, I loved them but the cats were gross. Their obsessive testes cleansing was at the very top of the Yuck List.

  “Then I’d suggest you keep them out of your mouth for the remainder of the trip, which is a half an hour. You feel me?” I asked, eyeing my corpulent cat.

  “I feel youse,” Fat Bastard said with a grunt of laughter.

  “Nows, I did hear dat the Bastard can’t canoodle wid his cockbeans, but was youse just talkin’ to the Bastard, or does dat go for me and Jango too?” Boba Fett inquired politely, his back leg perched high over his head.

  “If you want to keep your wrinkled crotch purses, then it goes for all three of you,” I answered just as politely. However, I was deadly serious.

  “Would youse really remove the nickel ticklers?” Jango asked, covering his tiny balls just in case I used his as an example.

  “Oh, my Goddess,” I shouted on a laugh. “How many names do you have for your nuts?”

  “Oh, shit,” I heard Mac say under his breath as he stepped on the gas to get us there faster. “You’ve done it now, Zelda.”

  Mac was correct and sadly we would all have to pay for my horrifying mistake.

  “Well now, dats a subject close to my heart,” Fat Bastard announced, hopping up into the front seat and landing his huge kitty ass in my lap. “Deres meat clackers and man berries.”

  “Don’t youse forget ball-slaw and badoodles,” Jango chimed in.

  “Youse mangy motherfuckers left out magic flesh grapes and double bubbles,” Boba added.

  “I’m going to hurl,” I muttered, knowing I was fully to blame for this lesson in nicknames for scrotum.

  For the next twenty-three minutes, we learned over five hundred ways to describe balls.

  Mac, Sassy, Jeeves, and I were now officially scarred for life.

  “Jeeves and I will go check in with the local Shifter pack,” Mac said as he pulled me in for a quick hug. We’d checked into our rooms then went back to the car to speak in complete privacy. Mac had found a great spot on the street right ac
ross from Rupp Arena. “Don’t hesitate to call if anything goes wrong in the venue. We’ll meet back at the hotel in three hours. If someone doesn’t show, call in backup.”

  “Got it,” I said, checking for my walkie-talkie.

  Marge had provided two more for Mac and Jeeves. And they weren’t normal walkie-talkies. Nope, these were infused with enchantment. The range of communication was over fifty miles and we were the only four that could use the private magical channel.

  Rupp Arena was huge and the Witchypoo Convention had apparently taken over the entire place. Lexington was all kinds of charming with fountains and flowering trees everywhere, but I still preferred Assjacket.

  “Jeeves, you be careful,” Sassy said as she kissed him and then squished his cheeks. “There are apparently a lot of constipated people in this town. Crap could get bad.”

  “Sassy, you just made a really bad pun,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “Well, if I did it was a shitty one because I didn’t even know I did it,” she replied looking confused.

  I was tempted to explain but that could take days. We had shenanigans to find.

  “We’re out,” Mac said as he and Jeeves got out of the car and walked down the street.

  The local Shifter headquarters a few blocks away—it doubled as a veterinary clinic. Pretty clever.

  “Sweet cheeks,” Fat Bastard said as he waddled out of the car. “Are weese comin’ with youse?”

  “Yep,” I said, locking up with a key. It was incredibly strange not to use magic since it was second nature, but Baba had made the rules very clear. No magic unless absolutely necessary. “And it would be great if you could pretend to be normal cats.”

  “So what youse is sayin’ is dat we can’t spray paint no profanities on dem walls?” Jango asked, pointing to the side of the convention center.

  Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I nodded. “Yes. That would be a big fucking no-no. That would be a wax you bald and time out in your kennel for a week no-no.”

  “Got it, Hot Potato,” Fat Bastard said. “Howsevers, what are the ground rules if weese find some feline hookers? Is the wild thing off limits?”