Racing into Love (Cut to the Feeling Book 1)

by Noah Steele

  “Oh my god, again?” I said. “Talking about driving isn’t going to trigger an attack.”

  The twist to his lips melted into a tiny pout.

  “I’m sorry,” he mouthed. He threw his coat down on top of my things and snaked an arm around me, pulling me close to him for a kiss.

  “Honestly, it sucked,” he said, pausing on our way to the couch so he could adjust the thermostat.

  The apartment was freezing, and it seemed like he never left the heat on if he wasn’t home. I guessed it was because he was never really there. I loosed his grip and walked into the kitchen, busying myself with some water and an electric kettle on the counter to make some tea.

  “Uh huuuuuh,” I said, slow and drawn out so he’d explain his day.

  “My head just wasn’t in it. I did a few laps to beat my own times and then made up some excuse about the car feeling off. The crew took a look at things immediately. I feel a little bad about lying, but it gave me the time I needed. I left to walk around the building for a while to clear my head,” he finished.

  Derrek joined me in the kitchen, reaching into cupboards for mugs and tea bags. He produced them from the cupboard one at a time, and I knew he could see me watching his shirt rise and fall just enough to show off a hint of his muscular frame. I’d never get tired of it. When the kettle came to a boil, he snuck up to hug me again from behind, one hand pulling a mug across the counter toward us.

  Goosebumps flashed across what felt like the entire surface of my skin, and I closed my eyes when I felt Derrek’s lips brush softly against the back of my neck. He wasn’t shy about being physically forward, but it was a lot to get used to.

  “I’d say you should have called, but my afternoon at work got so busy,” I said, dropping a tea bag and pouring some water into Derrek’s mug.

  “I couldn’t have anyway,” he replied. “Diana snatched my phone out of my hand as soon as I walked through the doors. No distractions.” He squeezed my waist and let go to get the other mug, and I spun to lean my butt on the counter behind me.

  “She sounds about as peachy as she looked when I met her,” I spat.

  I’d never mentioned my terse exchange with Diana to him. It didn’t feel necessary, but I was glad to know I wasn’t wrong in thinking she was a shitty person. Derrek raised his eyebrows at my harsh tone, whistling in response as he poured water into his own mug.

  “Ugh, don’t do that,” I replied. “She was just the worst when I met her that day at the track. Besides, it’s not like you would have been able to reach me. Not only was work busy, my phone is missing. I think someone stole it.” I nodded my head toward the couch and we walked over together. I crossed a leg underneath me and sat down, slouching sideways.

  “What? I was just talking to you this morning,” he said, planting both feet on the carpet as he leaned back on the couch. He turned his head toward me, his face stern. “What happened?” he asked. I slouched further forward and turned to look up at him, my head in his lap.

  “It’s nothing. I guess it’s possible I dropped it between home and work. It’s locked, so nobody can use it. I’ll just cancel service if I can’t find it. Today’s just been a weird day,” I rambled.

  “Right,” Derrek said teasingly. “You said we could talk about your friend in person. Your voice this morning, Aiden…I’ve never heard something so sad.”

  I blushed and closed my eyes as he ran his fingers through my hair. My face softened when I felt the light press of his hand resting on my chest, and I reached up my own hands to rest on top of his.

  “I don’t know how much of it is anger and how much of it is sadness,” I admitted.

  “What do you mean?” Derrek said. “Why are you mad?”

  “You wouldn’t be a little mad if your best friend kept his feelings a secret from you for three years?” I said, feeling my grip on Derrek’s hand tighten. “I feel like I’ve done something to make him believe he should wait. I don’t even think I remember Oliver making a real effort to date since we started living together.”

  “Wait, Oliver the guy you once dated is also Oliver the guy you live with?”

  My eyes snapped open and I almost rolled off the couch when Derrek began to shake with laughter underneath me. He was practically howling when I rose from his lap and picked up my tea for a long sip.

  “I’m—I’m so sorry,” he gasped out between laughs. “But your face!”

  He clutched his midsection with both arms as I put my tea back on the table and made a point to sit on the smaller love seat across from him. Still wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, he took a great breath in, his face faltering when he looked across the table at me.

  “I just didn’t want you to think—”

  “Aiden,” he interrupted. “I don’t think anything like that. I have so little time to myself, you think I’d spend it with someone I didn’t think would be faithful? Men like that have come and gone from my life, and you aren’t one of them. I know it.”

  I dropped my shoulders and uncrossed my arms, my bottom lip clamped between my teeth. So much of Derrek was still a mystery.

  “Okay, well, that’s a story you’re gonna have to tell me later,” I finally said as I stood up and retook my seat next to him. He reached out a hand, and when I extended mine in return, he pulled me forward so hard I had to straddle him to stop from falling.

  “Well played,” I said, a smirk spreading across my face. I picked myself up and turned to rest my head in his lap again. “Anyway, yes, that Oliver.”

  “I wouldn’t be mad,” Derrek said quickly. “I’d be sad for him. To love someone so much that he’d do that, it’s rare. You said on the phone that you’ve lost him?”

  “I…yeah. That’s what it feels like, anyway,” I said, looking up at Derrek’s down-turned face. Even from where I sat, he was all angles and edges. The emotion behind his deep brown eyes was the only thing that betrayed his softness. “I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting.”

  “What did he say this morning?”

  “Just that he needed space and was still my friend,” I said.

  “Do you think those are just words?” Derrek asked.

  “No. At least, I don’t think so.”

  Derrek slid out from under me and I sat up again, watching as he walked into the bedroom. I abandoned my mug alongside his and followed to find him on all-fours, rummaging for something under the bed. He rose to sit on the bed with a small black shoe box in his hands and motioned with his head for me to sit with him.

  “What’s that?” I asked, flopping down beside him.

  “Something that will help you, I hope,” he said, handing me the box.

  Puzzled, I opened the box and found a small collection of letters. Some were written in Spanish, some in English, dating back years. I tried not to read them—it didn’t feel right—but certain words jumped out at me as I riffled through the small stack.

  I love you, I miss you, left behind, good luck, I’m sorry, find your happiness.

  I clenched my jaw the further through the pile I got until I felt the tension release and my mouth dropped into a soft ‘O’.

  “Are these from your family?” I asked.

  “Some of them,” he replied, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped as if in prayer. “I bring them to every city I stay in for work. Those letters are…a roller coaster. It was hard when I first left my family and friends behind, and even harder when I started to see them less and less.” Derrek angled his head to lock eyes with me, the sadness looking foreign on his face.

  I moved to close the box again, but he reached out a hand to stop me.

  “Not yet. There’s more.”

  I turned back to the box and pushed the letters aside to find a small collection of photos. Some were unmistakably of Derrek’s family—I could see his features on his father’s face, the softness of his heart in his mother’s smile. Some were of Derrek with other guys, and he looked younger, but not in all of them. Some of
them were recent.

  “You keep pictures of exes?” I asked, everything in my chest tangling into a knot.

  “Some of them are close friends I left behind, and some are boys I dated who just…disappeared, ghosted, left for whatever reason.”

  I cocked my head to the side, surprised that anyone would consider leaving someone like Derrek.

  “This is all very…powerful,” I said, my voice threatening to break. “But why?”

  Derrek leaned back onto the bed and chuckled.

  “These are memories, Aiden. It’s not all the same kind of love Oliver might be feeling for you, but it’s proof that any kind of love can linger.”

  I put the box down at my feet and leaned back on the bed with him.

  “If you love your friend, you’ll let him go if he wants to go,” Derrek said. “And if he can learn to love you like a friend, he’ll reach out. You’re a happy boy full of so much worry, Aiden. I just wanted to take some of that worry away.”

  A great wave of heat flushed through my body then as I leaned forward to kiss him, and it felt like lightning on my lips. Our bodies became a tangle of arms and legs as we turned on our sides and embraced each other fiercely—two boys navigating a whirlwind, trying to survive with each other. Needing to survive with each other.

  My body shook, and I pulled away from the gentle scratch of Derrek’s face against mine as I began to cry. A cold wave rippled across my skin as I stained the front of Derrek’s shirt with tears both happy and sad.

  “What a mess,” I finally sputtered.

  “Aiden,” he whispered as he pulled me closer, practically coiling his limbs around me. “Everything will happen the way it will happen. It’s okay to feel your way through it without knowing the future.”

  He took my face in one hand and lifted my chin, taking me in again with his dark, thoughtful eyes. The knot in my chest unraveled the longer he looked at me until a smile crept through my lips, and Derrek smiled, too.

  “Thank you,” I said, rolling onto my back.

  “Don’t thank me for caring about you, Aiden. That’s weird.”

  “You’re weird,” I replied, failing to find a better response. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and pushed myself off the bed with my elbows, leaning over to pick up Derrek’s memory box. “So the guys in these pictures…are they who you meant when you said ‘other men’ before?”

  Derrek sat up, stretching one leg out on the bed and lifting the other to rest an arm on his knee. “None of them stayed around for long, and I don’t know why. It’s the same story every time. I was starting to feel things for them, and then they were just…gone.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I blurted suddenly, almost immediately slapping a hand over my mouth.

  I hated boys who tried to make someone else’s problems about themselves, and that was definitely what I’d done without meaning to. Derrek just beamed at me from the bed without moving. He had no idea how hot he was, even at his most relaxed at home.

  The image of him half-posed in bed, smiling even after the conversation we just had, made me want to pin his body to the mattress and rip his clothes to pieces. I could feel my jeans tighten as I stood there, and I quickly excused myself to retrieve my tea. Opening up to each other felt like a huge step forward for us; I didn’t want to turn it into something physical every time we were together.

  “Bring mine back, too!” Derrek called after me.

  I practically bounced toward the living room table, positive that Derrek was watching me walk. I’d meant what I said—I wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t want to. I picked up both mugs and carefully walked back to the bedroom, where Derrek was bent over, rummaging through a drawer.

  “Lose something?”

  “I thought I had an old phone you could borrow,” he said, frowning when he came up empty from the drawer. “I guess not.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “But how will I bother you at work all day if I can’t reach you?” he said, thrusting his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout despite the comical gleam in his eyes.

  His poker face was just as bad as mine.

  Derrek climbed over me, kissed me, and dropped into bed beside me.

  “I’ll have to come and work for you,” he said and sighed dramatically. “Talking to people about the exciting time they can have in Reykjavik.”

  “Have you never picked up another book in your life?” I said, laughing.

  “I’m too busy driving to read! I’m too busy driving to do anything,” he said.

  I snaked an arm down and took one of his hands in mine, both of us staring at the ceiling.

  “I thought you liked your job,” I said.

  “I love it whenever it doesn’t feel like a job, but the better I do, the more some other company wants a piece of my fame. I just want to drive,” he said gruffly.

  “So drive,” I said flatly. “Don’t you have a team to take care of the rest?”

  “I have a sponsorship coordinator who seems to think my life is not my own, but she’s the best in the game. I’m not about to let her go for doing her job exceptionally,” he said.

  “It would be nice to see you more,” I whispered.

  “It would be nice to be able to reach you,” he said.

  I sighed, frustrated that I’d probably have to just buy a new phone.

  “It sucks. I thought it was with the rest of my stuff in the store. I checked my bag, checked my coat, closed the back door—”

  “To the store?” Derrek interrupted.

  “Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you one of my employees thought someone shady was hanging around outside the store. I didn’t think it was a big deal because it was the middle of the afternoon and we were so busy,” I said in one long breath. Derrek squirmed beside me, his full lips working themselves into a tight line.

  “Aiden, are you serious?” he said. “You didn’t lose your phone. You got robbed.”

  “That shady guy was gone as soon as Theo pointed him out.”

  Derrek rested a hand over his eyes.

  “Yeah, gone to the other side of the building.”

  “I guess it’s possible,” I said. “It’s just a phone. I can replace it. If anything else happens, I’ll just talk to the police, okay? Don’t worry.”

  “I’m gonna worry anyway,” Derrek said with a growl as he let go of my hand and sprang himself up and over me again, our noses practically touching. I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him to the side, turning with him as we collapsed into a pile of pillows and laughter.

  “Can I stay with you tonight?” I asked.

  “You can stay with me every night,” he breathed.

  “Perfect.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  We left Derrek’s apartment at the same time so I could spend the morning prepping Bay Window Books for open mic night while he was at another practice session. He held the elevator door open to steal extra seconds together before I slid out and sulked my way to the bus stop.

  After what felt like the longest bus ride, I was greeted by the familiar jingle of the bell at Bay Window Books.

  “Why are you all making that face?” I asked as I passed some of my usual morning crew, all of them wearing nervous smiles, making my way toward the back room. In my periphery, I could see that there were already some tables and chairs out.

  “They’re just excited to see me,” Derrek said as he sauntered out from the back room with folding chairs tucked under either arm. I dropped my bag and bolted toward Derrek as if we hadn’t just spent the night together. He dropped both chairs and lifted me off the ground in a tight hug, the same stupid grin plastered across both our faces.

  “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but—”

  “Why am I not at the track?” he finished for me, bending to pick up the chairs. Derrek flexed as he stood again and I choked back a laugh when someone muttered a low “holy fuck” under his breath. “Because I didn’t want to be,” he said, smiling as he passed me to set up t
he chairs. He snaked an arm around one of mine on his way back and led me toward the back room.

  “I came to help you work and you’re not even working! Bad boss,” he teased. “Come on, there’s so much to do.”

  I squirmed next to him, catching the dark glint in his eyes as he tightened his arm around mine and began walking faster. I tripped over my own feet as Derrek released my arm and I stumbled toward a nearby shelf, hearing the door close behind us.

  There was an audible click as Derrek turned the deadbolt and rushed toward me, my grip tightening around the metal bar of a shelf as his hands suddenly made their way up from my navel to my nipples to my neck. He pressed me against his muscular form, growling into my ear as he pushed his hips forward, fitting the swell of his dick firm against my backside.

  I hissed out a heated breath, letting go of the shelf to drop my bag. As soon as it hit the ground, Derrek spun me to face him, hunger on his full lips.

  “Do you know how hard it was to keep myself off of you last night?” he whispered.

  “About as hard as it’ll be right now,” I said. “I can’t here. It’s…work.”

  “But you don’t want to go to work out there,” Derrek murmured, his nose tickling my neck as he leaned in, nipping his way up from my throat to my ear.

  “N—no,” I practically moaned, fidgeting to unzip my coat and peel it off. “I don’t.”

  “So?” he breathed into my ear. “Let me put you to work back here,” he said, lifting his other hand to rest on my shoulder. “And down here,” he commanded, pushing me to my knees in front of him with little resistance.

  I traced the outline of his cock with my fingers as I moved to unbutton his jeans. My fingers hovered at his waist and I looked up to see his dark eyes trained on me with a sharp heat, a grin coiling its way across his face. When I grazed my thumb across the outline of his dick, Derrek sucked a deep breath in through his teeth.

  “I—really? Here?” I stuttered. Derrek nodded darkly, biting at his lip. I hesitated, running circles around the button of his jeans with a finger. “I don’t know, it’s kind of—”